123. U-571 (2000)


*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers, gargoyle shades and an NCIS hat. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*The Warlock just walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight will be a little bit different at the Realm. NCIS Appreciation Month continues but with a contribution not of my own. That’s right, Mr. America himself has picked a movie for us to do.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing green cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Just to keep my sanity from doing garbage such as Purgatory House and Submarines, I figure to use one of mine so I don’t have to put up with your shit.

Warlock: Watch your mouth on what I watch. Anyway what is U-571 about?

America: A World War 2 story of American sailors stranded aboard a German sub that has to use their wits to make it home safe.

Warlock: Now they’re really in trouble.

*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started with U-571.


*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A German submarine is boarded by disguised American submariners trying to capture their Enigma cipher machine.”

America: I’ll see what MY cipher machine gives this movie for a score.


*Opening graphic has German subs wreaking havoc in the Spring of 1942 on Allied ships*

Warlock: So is this based on a true story?

America: Duh.
*German subs prepare to fire on Allied ship. They hit and sink it*

Warlock: Nice shooting stranger.


*German captain eats orange*

Warlock: Hey, I want an orange.


*Depth charges go off all around, wrecks the sub. One guy is set on fire*

Warlock: Anybody got a marshmallow?


*Hans (Casten Voight) reports the mechanics are dead including the fat kid*

Warlock: Like he said “the fatties are the first to go”


*Scene shifts to elaborate party with swing music*

Warlock: Isn’t this fun?


*Chief Petty Officer Henry Klough (Harvey Keitel) mingles with guests*

Warlock: Mr. White!


*Lt Andrew Tyler (Matthew McConaughey) joins the party*

Warlock: Matthew McConaughey!

America: Don’t you mean Matthew  McCona-hay?

Warlock: What the hell’s the difference?

America: Just saying.


*Griggs (Derk Cheetwood), Trigger (Tom Guiry), Prudence (Carolyna De Laurentiis), Louise (Dina De Laurentiis), Mrs Dahlgren (Rebecca Tilney), Captain Mike Dahlgren (Bill Paxton) are introduced*

Warlock: Wowwwwww, what a cast.


*Dahlgren says Tyler is not ready to be captain*

Warlock: That’s harsh.


*Henry gives Tyler a pep talk*

Warlock: The wolf to the rescue.


*MP (Norman Campbell Rees) breaks up party. The crew has been recalled to active duty.*

Warlock: Shore leave is cancelled.


*Crew shows up to port, the sub is being refitted to look German. Ensign Keith Larson (Matthew Settle), Lt Pete Emmett (Jon Bon Jovi) are given orders by the Captain*

Warlock: Its Bon Jovi.

America: Oh my god you’re right.

Warlock: Did he do the soundtrack?

America: I don’t think so.


*Major Matthew Coonan (David Keith) confers with Captain Dahlgren. Radiomen Bill Wentz (Jack Noseworthy) , Admiral Duke (Burnell Tucker) and Lt Hirsch (Jake Weber) are introduced. Hirsch speaks German to Wentz who answers back. Hirsch is pleased. Later Wentz tells Tyler not to tell the others he’s half German*

Warlock: Yeah they didn’t like that back then.


*Eddie Carson (TC Carson) offers Tyler a light*

Warlock: Excuse me while I….

America: Smoke!


*Major Coonan wants Emmett and Tyler to unload his luggage. He’s there on Hirsch’s orders. His “luggage” are high explosives*

Warlock: He’s come to party.


*The sub departs*

Warlock: Is that U-571?

America: NOOOOO!

Warlock: How would I know?

America: Germans called their subs U, you idiot!

Warlock: Sorry.

America: Go bury your head in sand.


*Emmett, Dahlgren, Klough, Tyler and others all get set to dive*

Warlock: Hold on I forgot my snorkel.

America: Ughhhhhhh


*Coonan says its his first time in a submarine*

Warlock: Haha this is fun.


*Dahlgren says they go below 150 feet, they’re screwed. “She’s old, but she’ll hold”

Warlock: Good line.


*Hirsch briefs everyone on the mission. Find the disabled U boat from earlier, pretend they’re Germans, steal the cipher machine and blow the place. Tyler is concerned their men won’t handle combat. Coonan says the Germans aren’t either. They need time to train. They hang a swastika on the sub to disguise it*

Warlock: Yeah make sure other allied ships don’t get confused or they’ll start blasting.


*German captain Gunther Wassner (Thomas Kretschmann) tries to repair the sub. Meanwhile topside, a skiff with passengers request aid. Wassner has them all shot*

Warlock: At least they’re maintaining heel heat.


*Crew goes into character development mode. Anthony Mazzola (Erik Palladino) cracks an egg to simulate water pressure implosion*

America: Now who’s gonna clean that up?


*Dahlgren gives Tyler a crash course in command. He says Tyler’s not ready because he’s not ready to make hard decisions, not ready to tell men to carry out orders that could result in death*

Warlock: That’s the hard truth but he’s absolutely right.


*The senior officers try to have chow in choppy water. Coonan and Hirsch are not used to it*

Warlock: That is a bitch.


*Wentz lets everyone know they picked up a signal. They’ve reached their destination. Coonan rallies the troops for combat. Dahlgren tells him if it goes south, he’ll blow the sub away*

Warlock: If all else fails.


*Dahlgren tells Tyler to get the cipher and get out, says good luck*

Warlock: One last pep talk.


*German’s celebrate when they see the American ship coming, thinking its a supply ship. Hirsh, Coonan, Klough and Tyler lead the boarding party. Tyler says they’re gonna bushwhack them*

Warlock: Bushwhack them???


*Hirsch freezes when supposed to hail the boat. Wentz saves the day by speaking up at the last second. Finally Hirsch get into it. Captain Wassner sees Griggs with a gun and freaks. A shootout commences. The allies board the ship, Griggs and some of the sailors are shot but they take topside. Wassner goes below to retreat. Coonan throws a smoke bomb down below and the crew goes to take the rest of the sub. Rabbit (Will Estes) is hit and Coonan says to kill anybody that moves. Coonan finds the cipher as Tyler almost pisses himself while getting shot. Mazzola blows away the cook*

Warlock: Food couldn’t have been that bad?

America: Robert Irvine he’s not.


*Tyler’s team takes more prisoners, Emmett and Hirsch secure the area. Meanwhile Mazzola and Klough find the rest of the sailors, they surrender. Back on the American ship, TC Carson numbers all the prisoners. Emmett snaps pictures of the inside of the German sub. All the gear is unloaded off the German sub and Coonan’s team blows it with c-4 from the inside. All of a sudden a torpedo blows away the American sub and everyone on board. Emmett is decapitated by flying debris. The real Germans have shown up. Dahlgren in the water tells Tyler to go, save themselves. He drowns as Klough, Hirsch, Tyler, Wentz, Tank (Dave Power), Rabbit and a host of others make it back inside the German sub. Wentz and Hirsch translate everything and dive safely. The German ship fired first but missed, the Americans fire and sink the sub. Now that its safe, the Americans go topside to rescue survivors. TC is rescued*

Warlock: Of course the cook is saved.


*Captain Wassner is rescued. He tells Klough that he’s an electrician. Tyler finds the corpse of Dahlgren.  Meanwhile down below Tank says he can fix the sub. Tyler says they’re headed for England. Coonan is presumed dead. Meanwhile Wassner watches Tank try to fix the engines. More character development has the sailors saying they won’t listen to Tyler but Klough shapes them up to follow orders*

Warlock: God damn scuttlebutt.


*Tyler tells a story of his father as a fisherman to Klough. He says he always saw himself as a battleship captain. Klough gives him a pep talk that he has to be the almighty one and NEVER to say “I don’t know.” He’s supposed to have all the answers no matter what.*

Warlock: Once again he’s right.


*Rabbit spots a German ME-109 attack plane. They flag it down but it looks to be going into attack mode. Mazzola shouts to shoot it down, Tyler says to let it go. Rabbit lets it go and Tyler punches Mazzola, saying he’s in charge. Rabbit then spots a German destroyer headed its way and they go to plan. Meanwhile Wassner knocks out Tank and frees himself. He kills the power. Tyler sends Mazzola to investigate. Wassner shoots Mazzola twice but Mazzola wrestles the gun away and shoots him in the chest before dying. TC shows up with a machine gun with Tyler in tow and they get Tank back on his feet. Tyler orders TC to tie up Wassner. Meanwhile the German destroyer catches up with them*

Warlock: The shit just hit the fan.


*A boarding party is on its way. Hirsch says they’ll be shot as spies and they’ll get the Enigma. Tyler says to take out the radio tower  with the deck gun so they can’t communicate. The German boarders get ready to board and Hirsch tells them to buzz off. Meanwhile the deck gun blasts the radio shack to smithereens as planned and Tyler’s men all dive below. Tyler heads toward the ship to negate their deck guns and plan to dive underneath*

Warlock: This may not work…let’s do it!


*Sub dives underneath the destroyer. The destroyer sends out depth charges*

Warlock: Hold onto your dicks gentlemen.


*Tyler: Step away from the bulkhead Mr Hirsch. The shockwaves from a blast will snap your spine*

Warlock: Wow.


*4 of the chargers nail the sub and the place goes shithouse. Water and sailors flying everywhere. Klough is injured as Tank steers the ship back on course.Tyler says to drop below 160 meters even though decompression starts at 150. Tyler’s plan is to go so deep, shoot up a bunch of debris for the Destroyer to find and investigate. Then surface 700 feet away and fire their one torpedo to take out the Destroyer. Hirsch’s concern is that some of them may talk when captured if this doesn’t work. Tyler better save them all or kill them all, no in between*

Warlock: There’s his marching orders.


*More depth charges are set off and they rattle the sub around, causing chaos. Tyler orders the sub down to 200 meters to avoid depth charges*

Warlock: Why don’t they just set all of them at 250 meters so the sub can’t get away?

America: They’re not bombs, they don’t explode on contact.


*Sub begins to compress, flooding with water, losing buoyancy*

Warlock: Better get your snorkel out.


*Ballast tanks are gone, they’re going up and can’t stop. Worse off, Tank can’t fix the torpedo because he’s too big. Either Rabbit or Trigger can do it. Klough picks Trigger to go with Tank to fix the torpedo. Trigger fixes one of the air leaks but can’t get the other one. Wentz picks up morse code. Hirsch figures out its Wassner. The code says “I am U-571, destroy me*. Hirsch bashes Wassner’s head in with a fire extinguisher. Tank radios Tyler that Trigger can’t fix it. Tyler gives him a pep talk that he can do it*

Warlock: Go get em Tiger….er Trigger.


*The sub surfaces in plain view of the destroyer. Trigger’s leg is caught and he can’t go back, so he sacrifices himself to fix the torpedo hatch before drowning. Once the hatch is ready, they fire….KABOOOM, bye bye Krauts. The destroyer sinks as the crew celebrates. Tank reports the bad news that Trigger didn’t make it. Tyler says he never gave up and is a hero. Klough says they can’t stay afloat much longer because it took too much damage. They need to abandon ship. All that’s left is Rabbit, Wentz, Hirsch, Klough, Tank, TC and Tyler. They have the cipher on an inflatable raft, watches as the German ship sinks once and for all*

Warlock: Do they play Taps in Germany?

America: I don’t think so.

*Warlock stands, salutes and sings Taps*

America: Pleassssseeeeeeeee


*Later, the raft is rescued by an American plane*

America: If they’re heading toward England, a British plane should have found them. Its an accurate aircraft, just the wrong nation.


*End graphics showed all the ciphers captured in real life. The last one was two days before D-Day. End credits*


Mr. America’s assessment: I’ll say 7.5

The Warlock’s assessment: I’ll say 7.5, damn good

Final Grade:  7.5 – Brilliant


*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was pretty damn good. Had an all-star cast, had an easy to follow storyline and it was fun all around. You picked a good one.

America: Of course I did, I don’t normally watch the garbage you keep buying.

*Warlock balls his fist but then stops and smiles*

Warlock: Speaking of garbage.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and levitates the nearby trash can into knocking America out of the recliner*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.


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