*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a green #33 Larry Bird Boston Celtics jersey, blue jeans, white sneakers, gargoyle shades and an NCIS hat. He’s holding a mug of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock
*Warlock flicks his wrist and the streetlight goes dead. He walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight we continue NCIS Appreciation Month with Navy Seals.
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat, black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: The Charlie Sheen movie?
Warlock: That’s the one.
America: Wow, another movie about the actual navy.
Warlock: I told you.
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
Warlock:So let’s not delay, its time for Navy Seals.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “During a rescue mission, a Navy Seals team discover that a newly formed terrorist group have access to deadly US built Stinger missiles, and set out to locate and destroy them.”
America: You know it will become more complicated than that.
Warlock: Did you just say “I am a fire engine?”
America:……No! How the hell did you get THAT out of that? There are no syllables close to engine..
*Movie begins with a graphic saying President Kennedy came up with the Navy Seals to fight terrorist threats in other countries*
Warlock: True story.
*USS Forestall is getting a distress signal from a burning ship nearby. They send a Seaking to help. Suddenly a pirate ship shows up and shoots down the chopper*
*Lt Dale Hawkins (Charlie Sheen) wakes up on the beach. He staggers over to Lt James Curran (Michael Biehn). He asks where Graham (Dannis Haysbert) is. He’s getting married and is nervous*
Warlock: Pedro Cerrano.
*Graham says he’s stopped drinking and started thinking. Hawkins and Curran drive Graham to the wedding. Curran says go for it and Hawkins says no way. Dale says he doesn’t want any part of it and dives out of the moving jeep, off a bridge into the ocean 50 feet below*
Warlock: He’d be dead in real life if he did that.
America: Most likely.
*Graham calls Dale a crazy motherfucker as James hopes he dies of pneumonia and throws a jacket over and off the bridge. The jacket magically appears next to Dale*
Warlock: Oh yeah, the jacket landed exactly where it was supposed.
*At the wedding, James is the best man. Jolena (S Epatha Merkerson) is walked down the isle by her father. All of a sudden everyone on the team’s beeper goes off. Leary (Ross Rossovich), Rexer (Cyril O’Reilly), Dane (Bill Paxton) and Ramos (Paul Sanchez) are called into action along with Graham and Curran. She’s mortified as they all leave*
Warlock: Next time shut the beepers off.
*The team hops in jeeps and Hawkins is there too. They tell him the wedding never happened and Hawkins says there’s a god in heaven. Next frame shows terrorists up to no good. The leader is pissed his subordinates shot down the navy chopper. There are 3 survivors as prisoners. The subordinate kills one of the prisoners. Suddenly the Seals barge in and wope everyone out*
Warlock: Take that you towel headed bastard.
America: Little bit late.
*The helicopter pilot (Gregory McKinney) and the co-pilot (Rob Moran) are rescued by Curran. The head terrorists sticks his head in and quietly leaves*
Warlock: I’m just gonna walk away, pretend I wasn’t here.
*Hawkins defies orders and barges into a room where the lead terrorists pretends to be a prisoner. Hawkins and Ramos let him go. Curran gives him shit for it. The team grabs the pilots and make a run for it. They spot nitrogen and propane tanks*
America: Ready for fireworks?
*Dane snipes two terrorists with a 50 calibur rifle*
Warlock: Jesus christ.
*The seals are pinned down. The team gets the prisoners out of there as Graham and Hawkins stay behind to clean them out. They run off after blowing away the propane tanks with grenades. They spot terrorists moving boxes around*
Warlock: They’re just moving furniture around, leave them alone.
America: That’s hardly furniture…..idiot..
*Graham asks why they’re not shooting back. Hawkins figures out they’re surrounded by stinger missiles. He pulls a grenade and leaves it on the missile boxes. They don’t blow. Graham “No shit!”
*One of the seals gets shot from behind. Hawkins and Graham join them. Hawkins says they found missiles. He’s going after them but Curran talks him out of it. Everyone gets in the chopper safely. Curran says they were never there but Hawkins says “you’re welcome” anyway. Next scene is the debrief. Dane “I vaporized the hostiles” They grill Curran and he yells at them for bad intel. Next scene Hawkins points a gun at himself in the mirror*
Warlock: He was nuts even then.
*Curran barges in and hands Hawkins the report. The terrorist they let get away and Hawkins is jacked up. He’s excited about the mission. Curran “That high is NOT the one you’re looking for.”
Warlock: I’d rather him get high off that, instead of coke.
*Claire Varrens (Joanne Whalley) interviews the terrorist, now named Shaheed (Nicholas Kadi). She’s half Lebanese as a group of bigwigs discuss the situation. Warren (Ira Wheeler) says Curran should have blown the place. Curran wants back in. Meanwhile at Norfolk, Captain Dunne (Ronald G Joseph) says to stand down and Curran doesn’t like it. America stands and shouts*
America: Wait a minute. They just heard a jet taking off. They’re next to an aircraft carrier IN PORT. Carriers generally have their air wings exit the carrier and land at the nearest naval base so the pilots can still fly. There should be no jets taking off behind him.
Warlock: Also, I never saw a jet take off. Its chicanary!
*Bon Jovi cover Boys Are Back in Town as the team clowns around on the golf course*
Warlock: Graham should have gotten married there.
America: The guy that fell down is me. The guy who missed completely is you.
*Curran laments letting Shaheed go. Hawkins says to go for them. Curran reads Claire’s book as Graham and Jolena talk about the wedding mishap. She still loves him. Hawkins spots his car being towed and he chases off after it with a bicycle to Strike Like Lightning by Mr Big. He gets his car back by driving it off the ramp*
Warlock: Wish I could do that.
*Curran’s team is called in by Dunne to go after Shaheed one more time. This time the seals attack a commercial freighter*
Warlock: Want to drink some bilge water?
America: Why would I want THAT?
*The boat is a refugee ship. The seals sneak around as a lamb starts baaaaaaing. Some of the refugees signal each other*
Warlock: Awwww its a set up.
America: You are falling behind.
*Ramos and Curran grill the ship’s captain and he doesn’t know anything. Curran asks what’s going on and Graham ponders if they got the right ship. Meanwhile terrorists open fire. One takes a hostage*
*Curran wants a status report. Hawkins says he had to do it. Next day rescue ships show up and they go through the ship’s cargo, there are no missiles on the boat. Curran is pissed. Meanwhile Claire goes on TV saying true Islam does not practice hatred*
Warlock: 25 years later, we’re still having this problem.
*Curran meets with Claire to have lunch. He wants to know about Shaheed and she counters with the whereabouts of the missiles. Curran takes her to a seal training facility*
Warlock: Hi look, I see GI Jane.
America: Good for you. I’m more interested in the Huey.
*Curran and Claire walk through the facility and Hawkins blows her a kiss from inside a dive tank. James says Dale is part fish and to get out of there before he presses something else against the window*
*James brings her to the kill house, its for close quarters combat. The team runs in and starts shooting to scare the shit out of her. Curran laughs and she storms off. She’s pissed but he had a point. He says that was a feeling of helplessness. He grills her on Shaheed’s whereabouts but she doesn’t know*
America: She’s taking a shot in the dark.
Warlock: Isn’t that when you take a shot of whiskey blindfolded?
America: No! Stop making shit up.
*James and Claire have dinner and Dale calls pretending to be Dunne to call Curran into action. Dale crashes their table and makes several racist comments. She tells him she’s “half rag”. He apologizes for making an ass out of himself. Curran answers the pager and leaves. Dale sits next to her. He eats Curran’s meal and later drives her home. He makes more racist comments but tries to stop himself each time*
Warlock: Why is he driving a motorcycle in the middle of the night?
America: He’s in a car. What are you talking about?
*James pulls over on the beach, forces himself on her and she gets out and leaves. She says she’s not interested and he says “I guess the weekend in Bora Bora is out of the question.” He drives her to the hotel as Curran spots his car and forces him to pull over. Curran “What’s the matter with you? What kind of bullshit was that?” Dale “Hey trust me with your life but not your money or your wife.” Curran “You’re an asshole.”
*Curran says he told her about the stingers and Hawkins asks why. Curran says she’s their only lead to Shaheed and asks if they still have her*
Warlock: No she’s halfway down main street running for her life.
*Dunne calls in Curran for real and says an attack in Algeria was perpetrated by Shaheed using stinger missiles. Curran confronts Claire and she stonewalls him. Curran says to get the names, ages and victims right next time. She gives in and she talks. Back on a houseboat, Curran goes over the files on Shaheed. He finds a go-between and says to go after him. Claire says they’re religious zealots and they won’t give up Shaheed. The bigwigs meet again. Warren goes nuts again but one of the men suggests to kidnap the go-between and pay him to make him talk*
Warlock: Sounds good to me, what about you?
America: Sounds good to me.
Warlock: Who asked you?
America: YOU DID!
*Curran goes over the orders and the battle plan with the seals. Dunne says only one hostile is there, the bodyguard. Don’t shoot anyone you don’t have to*
Warlock: So their mission is to go in and start blasting?
America: NO! Pay attention.
*Dunne gives James final orders before they depart. They banter on the plane before they parachute out of a C-130 for Lebanon. They make it to the target zone and infiltrate. A jet passes overhead*
Warlock: Another 747 passing overhead.
*The go-between watches Mr. Ed when Curran pulls him outside. Hawkins is told not to interfere with the locals, he runs down and shoots at them anyway. He takes them out but one of them kills Graham*
Warlock: Nice going asshole.
*The team gathers around Graham and Curran yells at Hawkins. They grab Graham and the hostage and make their getaway. Next frame is Curran delivering the bad news to Jolena*
America: Is she going to fall to the knees or hug.
*She falls on her ass and screams*
*Graham gets a 21 gun salute at his military funeral*
Warlock: Was that the 21 gun salute?
America: Yeah. 7 people fire 3 shots
Warlock: Why don’t they have 3 people fire 7 shots.
Warlock: More bullets.
America: You’re complicating things.
*Dunne presents the flag to Jolena and later she walks with James. She asks how did he die. He says a training accident, she says bullshit. Jolena says to take the classified intel and shove it. She says it may seem simple to him, but if they were married would she get a flag. He says yes and they hug*
Warlock: A little late but there’s your hug.
*Curran stares a hole in Hawkins as he leaves. Next frame is the team at the bar watching Graham home movies. Everyone is smashed as they take shots. Some dude says to turn the game on and off the home movie. Leary doesn’t like it but Hawkins tells the guy to buzz off. The guy goes to attack Hawkins but Hawkins chokes him and kisses him on the mouth*
*Curran leaves before Hawkins can make a toast to Graham*
America: I sense a fight!
*Outside Curran gives Hawkins a tongue lashing and drunkenly says he killed him. Hawkins screams asking what he wants from him. James just stumbles away*
Warlock: No fight.
America: A spat…peh!
*Claire visits James’ houseboat but the place is ransacked. Curran tore the place up and threw a tantrum as a really cheesy song plays. Claire tells him where Shaheed is and to go get him*
Warlock: Took her this long to do it?
*Curran spends the night with Claire. He wakes her up and hugs her goodbye. Meanwhile Hawkins confronts Curran and says he’s still on the team. Curran blows him off but says they’re leaving for Beruit. The team leaves for battle*
Warlock: Don’t they get a replacement guy?
America: You would think.
*The team makes it to shore and their contact is a teenager.They make their way to Shaheed, trying to ignore the civil war going on. They get pinned down as Dane goes for high ground*
Warlock: Go Hudson go.
*Dane gets shot and killed by a terrorist*
Warlock: Well, so much for him.
America: He’s gone.
*Curran gets trapped and a terrorist goes to shoot him, but Dane lives long enough to shoot him dead. Curran asks if he’s okay. Dane says he’s fine…and dies*
America and Warlock: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*Team finds the mother lode of stingers. Meanwhile the terrorists have them surrounded. Curran gets hit and says to take out the terrorists, including him. Hawkins says hell no and makes a daring rescue. Hawkins spots Shaheed and gets Curran up and moving. Once they’re to safety Ramos blows the headquarters, including the stingers, to hell. The team regroups as Leary tries to patch up Curran. Shaheed surveys the damage and vows revenge. The team commandeers someone’s car and head for the beach*
Warlock: Finally the big finale.
*They are trailed by a Pakistani APC*
Warlock: I thought they were in Beruit.
America: They are, this is inaccurate.
*Rexer is shot and killed as Leary blows away the APC with their only stinger they had. They run for it on foot*
Warlock: Dane, Rexer, Graham…they’re gonna need a new team.
*Leary, Curran, Ramos and Hawkins make it to the beach but some terrorists shoot at them. They dive underwater to avoid the gunfire. One guy shoots a missile at them. Shaheed takes a war boat as the seals play dead*
Warlock: They set him up.
*Hawkins pulls Shaheed in the water and the others blow the boat. They wrestle underwater*
America: I don’t think he’s getting out of this one.
*Hawkins brings Shaheed under water and guts him with a combat knife*
Warlock: Good, leave him for the sharks.
*The quartet laugh in the water as a submarine picks them up*
Warlock: Watch, the sub runs them over.
Warlock: Close enough.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 6
The Warlock’s Assessmnet: I give it a 6.5, very very cheesy but watchable.
Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was good but not great. Amazing how a cast that good turned in a performance that cheesy. Its a shame because that had the potential to be an all-time classic. Still a good movie though. That wraps up Navy Seals, have a pleasant evening.