121. Battleship (2012)

Battleship

*The Warlock and Mr. America are locked in one of the most epic games of Battleship ever. Warlock is in blue jean shorts, white sneakers, an NCIS t-shirt and gargoyle shades. America is in green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. Every piece is off the board except America’s battleship and Warlock’s destroyer. America has 2 hits on his battleship and Warlock has one hit on his destroyer*

America: You have no chance. You can’t beat me.

Warlock: So what if I’m 0 for 99 against you lifetime, there’s always one time.

America: Not gonna be today…..B5

*Warlock scans his board and smiles*

Warlock: A MISS!

America: What? NOOOOOOOO

Warlock: B5!

*America scans his board*

America: Hit….but that’s no matter. I have you now. C4….goodnight

*Warlock breathes a sigh of relief*

Warlock: Miss……and now its movie time.

America: WHAT? HOW DID THAT MISS? I NEVER LOSE…GAHHHH

*America storms off into the recliner, throws his hands up and sits down*

America: This movie better be good.

Warlock: Its supposed to be, its apart of NCIS Appreciation Month

*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Its Battleship, the 2012 action movie about the Navy vs Aliens.

America: Oh god….that hunk of shit?

Warlock: You’ve seen it?

America: Can we watch something else, Ankle Biters 2 maybe?

Warlock: Nope, and without further delay its time for Battleship.

 

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.”

America: They will NOT sink my battleship and neither will you.

 

*Opening graphic says Earth found a new planet in 2005 and attempted to made contact in 2006. Its called The Beacon Project*

America: When will these people learn? Stop inviting alien life to Earth, it never ends well. Independence Day, Mars Attacks, The Faculty. Stop being so damn inviting!

 

*Dr Nogrady (Adam Godley) says we found a bunch of planets that could sustain life. They’re sending a signal to contact them while Cal Zapata (Hamish Linklater) says it’ll be like Columbus and the Indians except they’re the Indians*

America: Great foreshadowing.

 

*Lt Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) watches on the news that The Beacon Project is underway. Commander Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgard), Alex’s older brother brings him a cupcake for his birthday. Billy Squire’s Everybody Wants You plays on the jukebox. A really hot girl walks in that catches Alex’s eye and Stone tells him not to waste the wish.  Johnny the bartender (Louis Lombardi) tells the girl the kitchen is closed. The hot girl is Sam (Brooklyn Decker) and she initially scoffs at Alex. Alex yells at Johnny to get her a chicken burrito*

America: Watch out for the shotgun.

 

*Alex “What’s your name?” Sam “I’m hungry” Alex “That’s not your name”

America: That’s a country, not a name.

 

*Alex runs to the convenience store to get a chicken burrito but its closed. He breaks into the store via the chimney with the Pink Panther theme playing. He falls through the panels and takes out half the store. He heats up the 3.99 burrito and then falls off the ladder trying to get back up*

America: I don’t think the 3.99 is going to cover all the damage you’re doing.

 

*Alex runs from the cops who start tazing him. He crumples to the ground in front of Stone and Sam then hands Sam the burrito before he passes out*

Warlock: Well that’s dedication.

America: Above and beyond the call of duty. Although I have to point out I don’t remember convenience stores having ready made burritos or microwaves in the damn stores.

Warlock: Imagine some idiot running away with the microwave?

 

*Stone says Sam’s father is Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson). Stone gives Alex an earful about his life. Stone forces Alex to join him in the Navy. Opening credits*

Warlock: Took this long to have the credits?

America: Took this long to have the opening.

 

*RIMPAC is going on*

Warlock: Is there such a thing?

America: Yes.

 

*Alex and Stone are on the Navy soccer team with Weps (Rihanna), Alex score a goal*

Warlock: He’s supposed to shut up and drive.

America: What are you talking about?

 

*Alex kicks kicked in the face by Nagata*

America and Warlock: Awwwwwww

 

*Alex wants to take the penalty kick, he gives Yugi Nagata (Tadanobu Asano) shit*

Warlock: I wish the real Yuji Ngata was in this.

 

*Alex shoots and……kicks the ball way over the net completely. Japan wins 2-1*

Warlock: The field goal is good but they lose the game.

America: Wow he sucks.

 

*Alex and Sam share bonding moments*

America: Well I guess we’re just gonna jump ahead to say they’re already in a relationship

Warlock: Well, saves time.

America: True.

 

*A signal transmits from planet Plaxor back to Earth*

America: Meanwhile, these people won’t learn.

 

*Admiral Shane aboard the Missouri welcomes everyone to RIMPAC’s wargames*

Warlock: Horsemen vs Superpowers?

America: Not THAT Wargames.

 

*A kid acts what’s the difference between battleships and destroyers. Alex says destroyers are like The Terminator while battleships are like a punching bag*

Warlock: Not even close to the truth.

 

*Admiral Shane catches Alex sneaking to the ceremony. Shane says Commander Hopper (Stone) and his crew got the highest rating in the Navy. Stone gives a speech to be safe during the wargames*

America: *Stands and salutes*

Warlock: *Stands and does the DX chop*

America: Stop that.

 

*Alex continues to give Nagata shit as Weps laughs at him. Admiral Shane stares at Alex and he runs away*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Alex rehearses in the bathroom  asking Shane for Sam’s hand in marriage when Nagata walks in. They go at it. At the court martial, Nagata and Alex say it was an accident. Captain Browley (Rico McClinton) yells at them both.  They both put over Jerry Lewis as Admiral Shane says this will not happen again. He kicks Nagata out and Shane gives Alex the business. He says the fact he’s a very smart officer but no discipline and leadership angers him more than anything. Alex has a chance to talk but doesn’t do it*

Warlock: So much for the proposal.

 

*Shane the wargames are most likely Alex’s last. Alex listens to AC/DC’s Hard as a Rock as the wargames begins*

Warlock: Love the soundtrack.

 

*Alex barks orders and Weps makes fun of him. Alex is whisked away on a chopper to see Stone. Stone says he’s going to be court martialed as soon as the war games are over. Alex apologize and leaves*

Warlock: Oh this is gonna end well.

 

*Sam works for disabled veterans. Mick is a former golden gloves boxing champion who got his legs blown off in Afghanistan. He’s mean and ornery but Sam sees his potential. Alex calls and says he messed up again*

Warlock: Can the shit hit the fan now?

America: I think we’re getting there.

 

*A group ofspaceships hurl toward Earth*

Warlock: About time.

 

*Dr. Nogrady sees the ship coming and thinks its a joke. Then realizes its not*

Warlock: Here they come.

 

*Cal realizes they’re being invaded but no one believes him. Sam and Mick spot the ships landing in the water a few miles away. One of the ships hits a satellite and shatters, wiping out half of Hong Kong*

Warlock: That jut ruined their day

 

*Secretary of Defense (Peter MacNicol) is shocked that no one told him these are aliens responding to the signal they put out. Admiral Shane and the Navy is on their way*

Warlock: Here we go.

 

*Various news reports about the “attack” on Hong Kong*

America: You needed a sample to figure it out??

 

*Strodell (Jerry Ferrara) says to take a look at the radar. The alien ship is not showing on it*

Warlock: Nice stealth.

 

*Weps sings as the boat makes its way to the alien craft*

Warlock: S S S S…M M M M M

America: Cut it out.

 

*Alex is with Beast (Jon Tui) and Weps. They prepare to board the craft*

America: They’re not looking for an umbrella.

 

*Alex stands on top of it*

America: Knock on it, see if anyone’s home.

 

*Beast tells Alex that its probably not a good idea to engage the now tower sticking out of the water. Alex touches it and is thrown backwards 50 feet by an electrical surge. The tower bands together to form a force field. An attack plane crashes through it*

Warlock: Can they rip off Independence Day any more?

 

*Alien attack craft springs to life. Alex “That’s not good”

America: That’s an understatement.

 

*Alien attack ships pop up all over the water. A loud screetch wipes out the glass. Sampson says to fire a warning shot*

WarlockL I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

 

*Alien ship powers up and wipes out the battleship John Paul Jones. Hopper, Weps and Bear shoot at the alien ship but its too fast to sink. The Sampson is also taken out as Stone scrambles around*

Warlock: Uh oh.

 

*The Sampson is completely destroyed with Stone on it. Alex is pissed*

Warlock: HE SHALL BE REVENGED!!!

 

*Alex is the new commander of John Paul Jones by default*

Warlock: You just got promoted.

 

*The alien craft starts wiping out every ship in the area. Alex wants to kamikaze the thing but Beast shakes him that there are survivors to think about. They call off the suicide dive and try to save survivors as the aliens start breaking off. 3 buzzsaw aliens wipe out an entire Air Force Base*

Warlock: This is a mismatch.

 

*The buzzsaws make it to mainland China and start demolishing the place. Meanwhile the US high command has no idea how to stop this thing*

America: Useless morons.

 

*Alex has Nagata and the survivors picked up. Meanwhile Sam and Mick (Gregory D Gadson) are still climbing the mountain. Cal in the station feels an earthquake. A craft lands by the station and troops emerge from it*

Warlock: Oh great.

 

*Sam and Mick are confronted by a state trooper saying they need to get off the mountain. Mick wants to see the alien. The troops attack the state trooper and we’re back to Alex and Beast. Alex doesn’t know what to do*

Warlock: Lousy leader.

 

*One of the alien troops is aboard the Sampson. Alex inspects it and Nagata takes the helmet off. The alien wakes up and snatches Alex. Beast tries to pull him off but more aliens attack. They drag the trooper away and leave*

Warlock: Something’s fishy.

 

*Ordy (Jesse Plemons) acts confused. Weps and Alex search for more aliens on the ship. One of them snatches a sailor and heaves him across the hall. Meanwhile the alien busts in on Beast. He tells the crew to leave, the alien inspects him and then the engines. Beast attacks the alien and the alien beats the crap out of him. Alex comes in shooting but the bullets do no damage. Weps starts shooting and the alien knocks her around. Alex tells her to beat it and he wants the alien one on one. Alex leads the alien to the deck where Weps aims one of the ship’s cannons at the alien’ head. Alex dives and the alien is blown to smithereens*

America: Goodnight

 

*Mick and Sam check out some wild horses.and the state troopers mangled cars. Mick says they gotta get off the mountain.  Meanwhile the alien troops approach as the duo hide. The alien stops to check out the horses as Mick arms himself. Cal runs up and looks at the prosthetic legs of Mick and freaks, thinking he’s a cyborg*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Cap says they need the marines, army and all of them*

America: Oh don’t worry, they’re here.

 

*Dr Nogrady says they’re about to be extinct. Cal continues to freak out. Meanwhile Ordy wears the helmet he took off  one of the troopers. Ordy runs to Alex and says they have the same eyes as his pet lizard, meaning they can’t handle sunlight. Barack Obama (himself) says resources are being diverted to Hawaii*

Warlock: The real Obama.

 

*People around the world freak out because of the alien attacks. Cal talks with Sam and Mick and speculates that they’re calling home for reinforcements*

Warlock: Uh oh.

 

*Nagata and Alex say that they have no radar, Nagata say they can track the aliens using island tsunami buoys. Nagata says this is how they’ve been tracking US ships for 20 years. Alex gives up the Captain’s chair to Nagata*

Warlock: Should have done that all along.

 

*Sam says she needs to get in touch with Alex. Cal says that makes sense*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Cal is forced to run through the aliens to get his cell phone*

Warlock: Run you coward.

 

*The alien ship is heading toward the Sampson after it misses a missile launch. Meanwhile Mick says he’s going to beat up Cal if he doesn’t go for it. Cal makes it to the station but an alien finds him. The alien lets him go*

America: Its established they don’t go after you unless you’re a threat.

Warlock: Can they rip off Predator anymore?

 

*2 alien crafts fire upon the Sampson. The Sampson shoots down attack missiles and launch their own tomahawks*

Warlock: Tommy Lee Jones would be proud.

 

*Both alien ships are destroyed*

Warlock: Take that you sonovabitch.

 

*Sam calls Alex and says the aliens are there at Saddle Ridge. They need to blow the island in 4 hours or the aliens win. Alex tells them to get the hell out of there then*

Warlock: They’ll take them out too.

 

*Another alien craft is headed their way but its moving too quickly. Alex says sunrise is in 40 minutes so they need to move*

Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene.

 

*The Sampson hugs the island close and the alien jumps out in front of them. Nagata and Alex blow away their shield to allow sunlight through, blinding them. Sampson fires their tomahawks and blows the alien craft away*

Warlock: Another one bites the dust.

 

*The buzzsaws are on their way. The deck guns have no effect and they tear through the Sampson. Weps pulls Ordy out of the way of one in time. People abandon ship*

Warlock: God damn buzzsaws.

 

*Alex and Nagata are the only ones left on the ship as everyone else has made it off safely. They climb to the top and jump off*

Warlock: Weeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

*Sam fears the worst but Mick says to relax because a lot of lifeboats are in the water. Mick and Sam drive off and leave Cal behind because he doesn’t believe in fighting*

Warlock: Hipster piece of shit.

 

*The aliens set up base on the island and prepare to turns their beacon on. Meanwhile Alex, Weps, Beast, Ordy, Nagata are milling on a life boat. Nagata wants to know what to do. Alex spots the Missouri and says they have a ship left. On board the Missouri, Beast goes on a rant saying its too old to operate because none of them were trained to handle it. All of a sudden a group of World War 2 veterans march in front of Alex. Alex says they’re hired. We get a montage of the old sailors and new sailors starting up the Missouri to AC/DC’s Thunderstruck*

Warlock: We’re gonna need a montage.

 

*Old sailor yells at Ordy while another one tells Weps they’re playing with the big boys now*

Warlock: Those guys would be at least 80.

America: Those aliens are about to get fucked up.

 

*Alien battleship emerges to fight the Missouri*

Warlock: Well, wasn’t gonna be easy.

 

*Alex has the turrets aimed the wrong way as t steers toward the alien craft. Then it turns left and drops the anchors.  Nagata says they’re gonna die. Alex says they are, just not today. The alien missiles miss them completely*

America: Ya missed.

 

*The Missouri fires everything it has and damages the alien battleship. This time the alien doesn’t miss and the Missouri is damaged. The veterans refuse to go quietly and continues to blast away at the alien ship*

Warlock: Take that you alien motherfuckers.

 

*The ship is destroyed and so is the force field they put up. Admiral Shane says to get all available ships, planes and soldiers to blast the island. Meanwhile the alien completes the beacon*

Warlock: Too late.

 

*Sam, Mick and Cal drive right through the alien base and kamikaze their jeep into the beacon, disrupting it*

America: I believed her being a good driver until she drove right into the damn thing.

 

*Mick gets out of the jeep to wrestle the alien leader. He pulls his mask off and nails it with a right cross. Meanwhile the entire John Paul Jones crew carries their remaining shell to a different turret*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*The alien goes to kill Mick but Cal starts whacking it with his computer. The John Paul Jones crew load the shell in. Mick wrestles the leader again as Cal goes to free Sam. Mick takes Cal and Sam and tells them to beat it. Meanwhile the buzzsaws begin to heard toward the Missouri. Alex gives the command to fire…..and the alien base is wiped out just as the buzzsaws are on their way…only to be wiped out by the US Air force F-18’s. America stands and points*

America: Bahahahaha, got you!

 

*Next frame is Shane giving out medals of honor to the John Paul Jones crew. A medal of honor goes to Mick. Stone gets a posthumous Navy Cross to be accepted by Alex. Alex himself gets the Silver Star. Shane says he looks forward to seeing him in command of his own vessel someday. Weps, Ordy and Alex take pictures with Beast, Nagata, etc. Alex and Sam kiss and Shane tells Alex to come here*

America: Heh!

 

*Alex tells Shane he’s in love with Sam and asks permission to marry her. He says no. Alex says he saved the world. Shane “No means no.” Shane says he’ll have a chicken burrito. Alex is stunned and Shane says he’ll discuss Alex’s terms of surrender over lunch. Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival plays as the end credits plays.

Warlock and America: *Stands and salute*

*After the credits roll a bunch of kids in Scotland check out a burnt out barn. The kids bang on an asteroid. Jimmy (Kevin P Kearns), Thom (Dyan Gilooly), Angus (John Bell) and Ronnie (Connor McCrary) uncover a lone surviving alien*

America: This was completely pointless. They’re setting up for a sequel nobody wants to see. He’s the lone survivor, his means of communication were cut off. What is he gonna do, twiddle his thumbs?

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4. A very thin plot, a character development for all of two characters, stolen storylines. Mildly entertaining movie which was just an excuse to make a giant game commercial.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6.5, good, bordering on great…lots of stolen ideas but still entertaining to watch.

Final Grade: 5.5 – Above Average

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: You are one hard marker America. I thought it was good, America didn’t. That means its up to everyone out there reading and watching to decide for themselves. Well, now that the movie is over, let’s get back to the game. By the way America, its my shot….B6

*America goes back to his board and goes bug eyed*

America: How….why…..how….ughhhhhhhhh….you sunk my Battleship

Warlock: I told you…there’s always one time. Have a pleasant evening.

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