*The Warlock is already in the middle of the couch wearing standard attire while Neyzor Blades is also in standard attire but in the recliner*
Warlock: SURPRISE!!!! Didn’t see that one coming did you? Tonight’s movie is Operation Petticoat, the 1959 navy comedy where Cary Grant commands a pink sub. Yes of course I’m serious. As we continue NCIS Appreciation Month, without further delay, its time for Operation Petticoat.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “World War 2 comedy about a submarine commander who finds himself stuck with a decrepit (and pink) sub, a con-man executive officer and a group of army nurses.”
*Opening credits with various types of fish swimming by*
Neyz: Smells like farts!
*Driver opens the door for Lt Commander Matt T Sherman (Cary Grant). He looks at a submarine*
Warlock: Yes that is a submarine.
*Two sailors banter back and forth about why Sherman is there. They say the ship is to be decommissioned and Sherman was its original captain and is there to see its decommission. The movie will be told in a flashback as Sherman reads his old journal. The setting is 1959 but we go back in time to 1941 when the ship is in battle*
Warlock: Great, a flashback.
*The port is attacked and one sailor tries to put on his pants, but fails*
Neyz: Forget the pants!
*Next scene shows Sherman trying to convince Captain Henderson (Robert F Simon) the USS Sea Tiger is ready to sail despite it being blown to hell*
Warlock: Just a scratch.
*Sherman says he’s going to lug the sub to the nearest port for repairs despite the Japanese air force lurking about. He’s got 2 weeks to get it sea worthy or it will be permanently decommissioned. He’s going to have to survive with a skeleton crew*
Warlock: There’s your plot.
*Various sailors try to get the Sea Tiger in condition to just move, let alone fight*
Neyz: The ship is in ruins.
*Sailor found a cake his mother made, navigation dude says he wishes his mother sent him something more useful. Meanwhile sailors laugh at someone coming aboard dressed in all white. Sherman joins in and laughs with them*
Neyz: Why are they laughing?
*Lt Nick Holden (Tony Curtis) is on his way in all white and apparently he’s bad news. The rough looking sailors look at him with disgust*
Warlock: Bahahaha its Tony Curtis.
*Nick is the Admiral’s aide but he’s stranded. Chief Mechanist Mate Sam Tostin (Arthur O’Connell) says they’re fucked unless they get supplies. Meanwhile Nick tells Sherman that he has no business being on the sub, he talked his way to being the Aide*
Warlock: Con artist.
*Nick nearly gets cleaned out by a lead pipe carried by two men*
Warlock: Awwww, I wanted to see him get nailed.
*Sherman asks Crewman Hunkle (Gavin MacLeod) if he stamped the requisition forms “Urgent”. He says they don’t even have an Urgent stamp, they need to requisition more requisition forms as well. Hunkle gets Nick coffee as The Prophet (George Dunn) strums away on a guitar*
Warlock: He’s gonna play Hard Luck Woman next.
*Hunkle informs the captain that they have no toilet paper*
Warlock: That’s a real problem. Forget the broken sub, no toilet paper is worse.
*Sherman has Hunkle write an angry letter to base taking them to task. Nick butts in and says they need to beg, borrow, steal like he did as a kid. Sherman says he’s the new supply officer and pats him on the back. Nick turns around and he’s got a handprint on his dress whites*
Warlock and Neyz: Ha ha.
*That night, Hunkle, another sailor and Nick raid the supply room at port. While they raid the place, Nick checks out Hunkle’s chest tattoo of a woman. Nick says he should be hung in the Louvre. Hunkle said instead of going home to his fiancee, he re-enlisted. Someone shows up and Nick says he’ll handle it. He goes outside and bullshits the guy to put on blackface so the Japanese can’t see him*
*Someone pulls up in a supply truck and the next frame is the next morning when everyone is unloading the supplies to the sub. Chief Molumphry (Gene Evans) gives Tostin shit. Nick brings Sgt Ramon Gillardo (Clarence Lung) and says he’s the newest member of the crew. Sherman figures out not only is he a marine, he’s a prisoner too. Nick says that the stockade was blown up and it was every man for himself*
Neyz: What a rag tag bunch.
*Nick says Ramon is an informer so if they don’t take him on, he’ll squeal about the supplies*
*Stovall (Dick Sargent) says Nick is damn good and asks Sherman how he does it. Sherman says treat him like a stripteaser, don’t ask how just enjoy what’s coming off*
Warlock: My kind of line.
*December 19, 1941 Sherman writes that Nick and Ramon are the world’s greatest thieves. Montage showing Nick and Ramon stealing a jeep’s wheel, sink pipes and other things*
*Captain Henderson bitches that his wall has been stolen*
Neyz: Its like MASH.
Warlock: This came first.
*Dooley (Frankie Darro) says they’re fine. Henderson goes with Sherman to the Sea Tiger and he says to take his band of merry thieves and get out of there. Sherman says he’s going for the real repairs. Henderson finds his wall and asks him to bring the window back*
*Henderson makes it back to his office and everything is gone. Henderson says he’s been a victim of Sherman’s march to the sea. Meanwhile Sherman gets ready to sail*
Warlock: This better work.
*A witch doctor (Tusi Faiivae) shows up with 2 drummers and dances around. Sherman asks what this is and Nick says he hired him to perform a ceremony to send them on their way. Sherman protests until the sub begins to move*
Warlock: What are we gonna do about the witch doctor?
Neyz: I don’t know, salute him?
*Warlock stands and salutes*
Neyz; Not you!
*The sub smokes, gurgles and putt putts as the witch doctor says they’ll never make it*
*They prepare to dive*
Neyz: Nice AWOOGA alarm.
*While diving, Nick crosses his fingers and and Prophet sing*
*Nick is having breakfast in bed*
Warlock: First class treatment.
*Sherman gives him shit and tells him to report to Mr. Watson (Robert Gist) Nick has no idea they’re underwater and he freaks out. Sherman gives hand signals to tell them they may sink. Nick gives a flim flam story about his past*
Warlock: Another phony.
*Sherman writes in his diary he sent Nick to the island to scout the situation. Watson alerts Sherman that Nick didn’t come back alone. Everyone on deck watches and Nick rows back to the Sea Tiger with a bunch of army nurses. Stovall “Wow, that’s what I call scavenging.” Sherman gives him shit and send shim away. Someone nearly cleans out a lady with the bow line*
Warlock: Almost took her head off.
*Major Heywood (Virginia Gregg), Lt Duran (Dina Merril), Lt Reid (Madlyn Rhue), Lt Colfax (Marion Ross), and the busty Lt Crandall (Joan O’Brien). Everyone stares at Crandall and Chief says “That’s what we’re fighting for.” Tostin takes his hat off*
*Nick says they’re giving them a lift and Sherman isn’t happy. Sherman sends them away and asks for Watson. Sherman says to tell Watson to tell everyone to treat them with respect. The collision alarm goes off and one sailor freaks out. Sherman says to relax, they’re not moving. Down below, Stovall says one of the girls hit the alarm by accident. Sherman diffuses the situation*
Warlock: EVERYBODY PANIC!!!
*Sherman says a sub is not meant for co-education*
*Hunkle reports that Nick is raffling off the women, Sherman is pissed*
Warlock: Hey Neyz, can I win you in a raffle?
*Nick says he’s doing it for morale. Meanwhile the women banter back and forth*
Warlock: Oh jesus.
*Stovall walks in on Nick hitting on Duran and he gives her his pajamas. He’ll take the bottoms and she can have the tops*
Neyz: Haha, wayyyy too close.
*Nick calls for ice and Ramon shows up with the ice for the champagne*
Neyz: Haha Ramon.
*Sherman asks for Nick and Stovall says he’s busy. Sherman barges in on Nick and Duran and says the bar is closed. She leaves and tells Nick to get rid of the hooch. He pours her glass into his and Sherman says “uh uh” and Nick pours it down the head*
*Prophet strums his guitar as the boys bicker back and forth. Sherman goes to take a shower but Crandall beat him to it. She says she can’t get it working right and he goes in to fix it. She pulls the lever and he gets sprayed in the face*
Warlock: Saw that coming.
*They both walk out and Nick walks up, giving Sherman shit for it. He walks off and Crandall hands Sherman her scrub brush and runs off. Tostin runs up and says Heywood is in the engine room. He says women are like snakes. Crandall calls for the brush and Tostin is shocked. Back in the engine room, the major is hanging her socks*
*Heywood and Tostin yell at each other, she knows about engineering. Tostin makes fun of her*
*Tostin “A woman shouldn’t mess around with a man’s machinery”
Warlock: Good luck getting away with that line now.
*Crandall put a cigarette in Sherman’s coffee. She apologizes and says he needs more vitamins and minerals. Crandall says the men are sick and Sherman wonders what’s going on. Harmon (Dick Crockett) Fox (Tony Pastor Jr) and Dooley are pretending to be sick to chill with the nurses. Sherman shouts and Dooley hits his head on the ceiling*
Neyz and Warlock: Hahahaha
*Sherman stops Nick and Duran from talking again. Tostin calls Sherman to the engine room, she put her truss on the engine and it actually works. Lt Reid hit Hunkle and Sherman is on his way. Sherman investigates and apparently she got startled by Hunkle’s chest hair. Crandall keeps bumping into Sherman*
Neyz and Warlock: Haha.
*Once again Duran and Nick are alone*
Warlock: God damn Tony Curtis what the hell is the matter with you?
Neyz: He’s on a sub full of dudes and now its full of women, what the hell do you think is wrong with him?
*Sherman walks in on Nick and Duran kissing again. He throws him out and tells Heywood to control her women. Heywood is on her side*
*Sherman lays down the law and confines Nick to quarters, but then the battle alarm goes off. They spot a tanker and Sherman says to shoot it with torpedoes*
Warlock: Why are they firing on a tanker?
Neyz: They’re in battle.
*Crandall interrupts Sherman just as he’s shooting. The torpedo misses the tanker, swims to shore and blows up an army truck*
*Stovall “What happened?” Sherman “We sunk a truck!”
*The enemy fires at the Sea Tiger and it makes a getaway. Next journal entry is December 23, 1941 and he says he almost hit Crandall. Next day at port, an army colonel says they’re going to have to keep the women because the island is under attack. Plus, there will be no repairs. Sherman sends Nick out to steal some shit. Nick reads off the list and calls for Ramon*
Warlock: Of course its Ramon.
*Ramon, Hunkle and Nick rob the place blind using casino chips they stole*
*Next journal entry, December 31, 1941 Sherman says Nick will be the only guy to get a navy cross at his court martial*
*Sherman unknowingly has the sub painted pink until they can get gray paint. Meanwhile Hunkle and Nick sneak into a pig pen and Nick says its their dinner*
Warlock: Awww come on.
*Nick and Hunkle steal a pig as a farmer chases after them with a gun*
Warlock: That’s not right.
*Nick gets stopped by a border patrol. He has Hunkle dress the pig in his clothes to fool the border guys*
Neyz: He’s not happy.
*He calls the pig Seaman Hornsby*
Warlock: Seaman Hornsby wins best supporting actor.
Neyz: I agree.
*The army MP’s are there to see Sherman. The farmer is demanding the return of his pig. Sherman at first poo-poo’s the accusation then figures out Nick did it. Nick says Hornsby is in the officer’s head. Sherman covers for Nick and the farmer wants Nick’s golf clubs, socks, pants, tennis jacket, aftershave and shoes as collateral. Sherman encourages all of it*
Warlock: Hahahahaha they’re robbing him blind.
*Lt Reid spots Seaman Hornsby and walks away stunned. Sherman “They’re drafting everybody these days”
*The Sea Tiger is now salmon pink. Molumphry is mortified but tells everyone to have fun for 3 hours. Heywood and Tostin talk about the engines as Watson notifies Sherman that Nick, Duran and a life raft are gone*
Warlock: Gee, wonder where they are.
*Crandall and Sherman share bonding moments but Sherman sits on her curling iron and shrieks*
*Duran and Nick lay on the beach. Nick says he’s engaged and Duran freaks out. She goes to swim back to the sub and Nick chases after her. Meanwhile Dooley patches up Sherman*
Warlock: What a pain in the butt.
*Everyone sings the New Year’s Song and Neyz joins in*
Warlock: Oh for the love of pete.
*Nick paddles after Duran in the raft who’s swimming away. Sherman spots them and laughs at Nick. Duran pokes a hole in the raft and Nick sinks. All of a sudden the air raid alarm goes off and Nick gets up. Battle stations are called as Warlock runs in a circle*
Warlock: BATTLE STATIONS EVERYBODY, HURRY!!!
Neyz: Sit down!
*A Fillipino family is taken aboard because Nick promised. Sherman at first disagrees but as the air raid begins, he tells everyone to get to safety including the goat. Prophet runs after his guitar but hits the deck and a selection of fruit is shot next to him and he gets splattered. He wipes some sauce off his face. “I knew it I’m deaddddd.” Then he tastes it “Ohhh, cranberry.”
*The sub dives*
Warlock: Its still pink, they didn’t get a chance to paint it.
*Molumphry is still distaught over the color. The goat bleats on the deck and Sherman asks why its up there. Meanwhile the pregnant lady (Vi Ingraham) has a boy and Dooley delivers the news to Sherman who doesn’t feel the love*
Neyz: He doesn’t know if he’s amused or bemused.
*January 3, 1942…Sherman says Seaman Fox is having symapthetic labor pains because another woman is having a baby. Sherman banters with the crew, the family, the goat and the lady*
*Sherman walks in on Heywood and Tostin making out. Sherman gets a message from Stovall. The Japanese radio network insults them for being pink and says they’ll be attacked*
Warlock: The Warriors 20 years earlier, insulted by the DJ.
*US Navy headquarters says they’ll fire on any pink sub they see. Later on Sherman surfaces and a nearby destroyer fires at it. Sherman freaks out and falls down the hatch. They dive again and Kraus (Nicky Blair) says they’re rigging depth charges. They go off all around the sub and start doing damage*
Neyz: Ohhhh my god.
*The momma had twins and the babies are screaming, Nick calms them down*
Warlock: Way to go Nick.
*Sherman comes up with the idea to shoot up oil and lifejackets to fool the destroyer, it doesn’t work*
Warlock: Plan B
*Nick comes up with a new plan, send up the women’s undergarments*
*The destroyer pulls up the bra with a grappling hook. The destroyer ceases fire as the Sea Tiger makes it back to base. Everybody whistles at them. Molumphry says he’ll never live this down. A picture is snapped of the Sea Tiger*
*In present time, Admiral Sherman gets word that Captain Nick Holden is on his way. Nick gets out of a cab with Duran and their 2 sons. Nick says goodbye and gets on board. Sherman and Nick share final bonding moments as Sherman wants to know where his wife is. Crandall gets out of the car after bashing into a bus. Meanwhile Sherman says goodbye to the Sea Tiger as it putt-putts away. End credits*
Warlock: No end credits, nice.
Neyzor Blades Assessment: 9 out of 10, it was old but it was funny and can get into it. You can relate to the rag tag bunch and ship.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 8 out of 10
Final Grade: 8.5 out of 10 – Outstanding
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was pretty damn good. Its funny how it was a comedy yet Cary Grant was the serious one, or tried to be. Usually he’s the comedy fodder. Well that about wraps up Operation Petticoat, have a pleasant evening.