117. Down Periscope (1996)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blue wifebeater, jeans, white sneakers, gargoyle shades and an NCIS hat. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates but gets distracted by a hot girl jogging by and hits his head on the ceiling*

Warlock: Owwowoowwwwwoww…

*Warlock rubs his head and walks inside. Neyzor Blades in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: Serves you right, what are we watching today.

Warlock: Down Periscope.

Neyz: I’ve heard of that, isn’t that the funny submarine movie?

Warlock: Yes.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Neyz: Finally, something that sounds good.

Warlock: So without further adieu, let’s get to Down Periscope.

 

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Lt. Cmdr. Tom Dodge is assigned as Captain to the USS Stingray, an old diesel driven submarine that has seen better days. With a crew that consists only of weird guys (and a gal), he’s headed against the atomic powered USS Orlando, with the mission to destroy a dummy battleship”

Neyz: Ya don’t say.

 

*Movie begins with a round table discussion of whether or not Lt Commander Tom Dodge (Kelsey Grammer) is fit for command. Admiral Winslow (Rip Torn) is the head of the table. Admiral Price says this his the third time Dodge has come up for command and if he doesn’t get it, he’ll be dropped from the program. Admiral Graham (Bruce Dern) says Dodge bumped into a Russian sub he was supposed to be tracking*

Neyz: Come up for what, air?

Warlock: Its him being incompetent.

 

*Admiral Graham shits on Dodge’s command style. Dodge has his sailors give him coordinates to fire…and he does…..and he golf swings a ball 10 feet from the cup*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Captain Knox (William H Macy) says they should pull up to port so he can putt*

Warlock: Even funnier

 

*Graham got drunk and got Welcome Aboard tattooed on his penis*

Neyz: Haha.

 

*Knox yells at Dodge for being reckless. Dodge says his career is a confirmed kill*

Warlock: Haha.

 

*Knox gets a fax, Dodge is to be given his own command to take part in a navy exercise. Knox says congrats and looks like he’s going to throw up*

Warlock: He looks like he’s gonna hurl.

Neyz: In record time.

 

*Dodge and Graham are talking at port. His submarine is the old diesel powered USS Stingray. It was last refitted in 1958. Dodge is terrified*

Warlock: Hahahahaahahhahaa

 

*Dodge says his crew has been handpicked. Dodge talks to Winslow who says his boat is a complete piece of….antiquated equipment*

Warlock Heh.

 

*Winslow says he’s been chosen to participate in a naval mission for a series of wargames. A rebel ship against the Navy. Winslow gives him his orders and a pep talk*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Dodge says if he can pull this off, he wants his own ship. Winslow says if he can simulate sinking the other sub, he’ll get his own*

Warlock: This is going to be interesting.

 

*Marty Pascal (Rob Schneider) reports for duty loudly. He says he feels he needs a tetanus shot just looking at the Stingray*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Spots (Jonathan Penner) reports wearing shades and a suit but no shoes*

Warlock: Nice getup.

 

*Sonar (Harland Williams) is the…sonar officer. He looks like a doofus. Sonar is sad the Stingray is not a real ship*

Neyz: He’s like Radar from MASH.

 

*Stepanak tells Dodge to sit on it and rotate. Pascal goes berserk*

Neyz: He went berserk!

 

*Stepanak says he’s a dedicated pain in the butt. Dodge says if he throws him off the boat, it’ll be in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. Stepanak says “What’s the mission, rescue Gilligan?”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahaha

 

*Buckman (Ken Hudson Campbell) introduces himself to Nitro (Toby Huss). That’s his real name. He wants his nickname to be Mike. Meanwhile Spots yells at Jackson (Duane Martin) for costing him money on a basketball game he bet on*

Warlock; Nobody near him but the mascot.

 

*Dodge’s quarters are old and filthy. Pascal knocks and says Lt. Lake (Lauren Holly) is there. Dodge says show him aboard and Pascal says that’s a problem. Lt. EMILY Lake reports for duty. Warlock stands and shouts*

Warlock: FORMER NCIS DIRECTOR JENNY SHEPHARD IN THE HOUSEEEEEEEE!!

Neyz: Sit down!

 

*Dodge confuses her for a stripper and Pascal facepalms*

Warlock: I’m with Pascal.

 

*Dodge introduces her to the rest of the crew. Stepanak insults her and everyone laughs. Dodge cracks a dick joke to crack the crew up. Dodge runs off as Stepanak, Jackson and Sonar check her out*

Warlock: I will admit that was funny.

 

*Pascal runs around yelling at everyone. Stepanak gets a tan*

Neyz: Its Klinger.

 

*Dodge has Buckman unintentionally knock Stepanak into a tar vat*

Warlock: Man overboard.

 

*Spots and Jackson lug a torpedo and ask Sonar for help, he lets go of his hose and Pascal goes flying into the drink*

Warlock: Nice going Sonar.

 

*Pascal confronts Buckman in the kitchen, he’s the cook. Pascal screams and shouts that coffee is more important than lard. Dodge brings Pascal aside and says he’s going to go crazy. Pascal screams and shouts to him that he doesn’t belong there. He wants to be transfer because he’s embarrassed to be there. Dodge says Pascal’s career is in the hands of the “assholes” he can’t stand on board*

Warlock: That shut him up real quick.

 

*Spots goes through the laundry to find one of Emily’s bras. Meanwhile Dodge gives a pep talk on the dock. He spots Emily with no bra or panties on and says she’s out of uniform. Stepanak says if he can get thrown off the ship, he wants full credit. Dodge says someone fess up or shore leave is cancelled. Emily says she can take care of herself*

Neyz: Revenge is coming.

 

*Howard (Harry Dean Stanton) is in the bowels of the sub as they shove off*

Warlock: Harry Dean Stanton motherfuckers!

 

*Pascal says to prepare to dive. Nitro says “Underwater?” Emily gives orders and Sonar nods. Howard says “Down we go!”*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahaha

 

*The sub goes sideways and Emily hits her head. Howard braces himself and Nitro slides down sideways*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahaha

 

*Nitro *Did we hit an iceberg? Stepanak “In the middle of Virginia?” Nitro falls down again as Dodge says its a vent*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahaha

 

*Dodge says Emily needs to head to sick-bay and she says no. Emily says to take her down further and Jackson crosses himself*

Warlock: When is crushing depth?

Neyz: I don’t know.

Warlock: Ohhhhhhh, sailor’s daughter doesn’t know…..

 

*Sub begins to crush at 350 feet below. At 400 feet, no leaks. Emily says they’re at crush depth and Dodge says he wants to know how far she can go. The sub begins to give way and spring leaks at 500. Dodge calls off the exercise and says job well done, Nitro falls asleep*

Neyz: He’s sleepin!

 

*Graham says Knox will take control of the Orlando to aid the Charleston against the Stingray. Nitro nearly electrocutes himself while talking to himself*

Warlock: Yeesh.

 

*Knox on the Orlando confers with his crew. Meanwhile Dodge asks Sonar what’s going on, he says Buckman is eating an oreo*

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Sonar says he wants to learn whale language*

Neyz: That’s great.

 

*The Orlando Sonarman (Joseph Latimore) says everything all is well*

Warlock: Hey, its Lonnie from Little Big League.

 

*Howard shuts the sub down. Knox gets confirmation from his X.O. (Matt Landers) that the Stingray is there. Sonar gets pinged and says they’re done for. Stepanak “Nice going Captain Custer”

Warlock and Neyz: Heh.

 

*Dodge tells Emily to surface. He says Jackson could use some air. Jackson “…No” Dodge brings Jackson to the surface in a rain storm and sends him up the mast. He raises the periscope as Jackson sings “Be all that you can be” Dodge “That’s the army!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Knox spots the Stingray but confuses it for a fishing boat. Dodge and the crew sing Louie Louie to fool the Orlando who listens in. Pascal refuses to sing. Knox “We just chased down a boatload of beered up fisherman” Knox turns around and leaves, Sonar gives the good news and Dodge celebrates. Sonar asks if they’re really going to blow something up, Dodge says no, they’ll use flares*

Warlock: Ha.

 

*Graham and Winslow confer, Graham says he up for 3 stars and he’s never lost a wargames. A flare goes up and its Dodge waving a pirate flag. Winslow gloats that Stingray defeated the Charleston and Graham’s record is in trouble. Graham says this won’t happen again*

Warlock: Snooze ya lose.

 

*Spots makes fun of Jackson and they insult each other back and forth. Meanwhile Nitro nearly electrocutes himself to get Graham on the horn. Graham cuts his range in half and is to surrender when confronted*

Neyz: What a dick, he’s cheating.

 

*Pascal confronts Buckman that he found a fingernail in his foot and yesterday found a band-aid. Buckman says the band-aid was holding the finger nail on. Pascal goes berserk on Buckman and falls on his ass*

Neyz: Heh.

 

*Sonar gets a ping on the radar. He alerts Dodge that 3 destroyers and a frigate are up there. They’re diving to get underneath the destroyers. Dodge says to take it to the ocean floor, it’ll block their sonar*

Warlock: Brilliant!

 

*Stepanak correctly points out that hitting the floor caused too much sound, the Orlando will hear them. He yells at Emily for it*

Warlock: For once he’s right.

 

*The Orlando passes over the Stingray. Meanwhile someone drops 45 cents, Sonar hears it. Nitro pokes himself in the head. Meanwhile Buckman farts so loud Orlando’s sonar guy and Sonar pick it up*

Neyz: Hahahahahahahaha

 

*Eveyrone smells it and Stepanak buries his head into a pillow*

Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Dodge tries to breathe through his mouth but can’t, Jackson plugs his nose with cotton. Jackson says they need to sew Buckman’s ass shut*

Warlock: Good line.

 

*Dodge tries to silently communicate to Sonar to do the whale voice to fool them, Sonar doesn’t understand until Nitro joins in*

Neyz: Heh.

 

*Sonar does a whale voice and everyone on board stares at him. The Orlando is fooled into thinking its a whale. Emily stares at him in shock, Pascal facepalms*

Warlock: Can you imagine this in real life? I bet the actors had to do 5 takes because they were laughing their asses off.

 

*The Orlando leaves and Dodge defies orders to fire outside the zone they were assigned. Dodge says Stepanak had a chance to screw it all up and he says he’s not trying to screw everyone over, just himself*

Warlock: A joker to the end.

 

*Dodge walks in on Emily who’s in a hammock. He tries to make her feel better by saying hitting the floor wasn’t her fault. She says she wasn’t properly trained and Dodge says don’t worry about it. Emily asks how he got over bumping into the Russian sub. He says he got drunk and got a tattoo, its not recommended. Meanwhile the whole crew listens outside*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Pascal wants to speak to Dodge in private. Dodge says its a direct violation of their orders, Dodge says he knows. Pascal says he will gather the crew and force him to relinquish command to him. Dodge walks out without answering. Dodge puts him on blast and makes him speak to the crew. Pascal says they’re in violation of orders and he wants them to assist him in ordering the captain to relinquish command to him, they just laugh at him. Dodge takes the intercom and says anyone taking his side needs to speak up. No one does. Dodge says he’s guilty of attempted mutiny. He asks Stepanak to come to the control room*

Warlock: Oh this is gonna be funny.

 

*Next frame shows them all dressed as pirates. Dodge says to bring forth the prisoner. Nitro has a roasted chicken strapped to his shoulder, Buckman asks where he got it. Nitro says its just a parrot, Buckman says don’t let it fly away because its supper*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*They bring out Pascal and Pascal says this is the modern navy, nobody walks the plank anymore. Dodge has Sonar play the death march on the keyboard. Stepanak tosses him…into a nearby fishing boat where he falls to safety. The fishermen (Dennis Fimple and Ancel Cook) wave hello. Pascal complains and Dodge smiles at Emily. Meanwhile at a conference Graham says he’ll be capturing Dodge personally*

Warlock: Like hell he will.

 

*Graham boards the Orlando and bosses everyone around, Knox doesn’t like it*

Warlock: No sir, I don’t like it.

 

*Knox says to load the torpedo*

Warlock: Woah woah, how do you torpedo in wargames?

 

*5 destroyers, 3 frigates and a commercial super tanker are blocking their way. Dodge says they’ve fulfilled every requirement except one. They’ll need to try something risky. Dodge says anyone needs to speak up, do it now. Stepanak says let’s continue to kick ass. Emily says she can’t do it and Dodge tries to talk her into it. He says he’ll do it instead*

Warlock: You wuss.

 

*Dodge purposely puts in the wrong coordinates and Emily begins to protest*

Warlock: He’s doing it on purpose so she can save the day.

 

*Dodge tells her to get up and drive and Emily does it. She hits the target perfectly*

Warlock: Nice shooting stranger.

 

*Howard gets knocked out and the sub springs leaks. Stepanak says he’ll take care of it*

Neyz: You can’t help that.

Warlock: Yes you can, get a piece of gum and stick it

Neyz: NO!!!!

 

*Stepanak uses his muscle to plug a water mane and Howard wakes up. Howard “I just got out of the shower”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Graham goes berserk when the Orlando loses him under the tanker. Dodge washes his face and Emily barges in. She knows he did that on purpose. He then kisses him and runs off*

Warlock: That just made his day.

 

*Jackson says he choked and Spots says no, he’s NBA material. Then he says he’s kidding*

Warlock: What a dick.

 

*Sonar says the tanker is turning and it will expose them, Dodge says that’s okay, they’re almost to the target. Graham commandeers the Orlando and says to go after them, Knox doesn’t like it*

Warlock: Wonderful…..

 

*The Stingray surfaces and the Orlando readies a torpedo. Graham calls him and says he’s on the Orlando, when he says they fire the shooting solution, he is to surrender. Dodge insults him and says “catch me if you can” The crew celebrates*

Warlock: Yeahhhhh

 

*Dodge says to use real torpedoes, Emily is shocked. Dodge says “Trust me”. He fires the torpedos*

Warlock: Let me guess, there’s nothing in them.

 

*Graham says to surrender once they simulate a torpedo hit. Dodge says yeah, they’re “dead” but they fired off 2 torpedoes of his own. Graham says “Sonofabitch.” The torpedoes explode the dummy ship, Dodge has won*

Warlock: Yayyyyy, da da da da daaaaaaaa

 

*Knox smiles as Graham sits down dejected. Next frame is Dodge and crew back to port in their dress uniforms. Winslow gets the 3 star promotion, and Graham gets nothing. Howard i the only one not in dress whites. Dodge salutes but Stepanak doesn’t. Winslow says he gets his own command and a new crew. Dodge says he refuses unless he can take this crew. Winslow reveals Stepanak is his son. Dodge dismisses everyone and they celebrate. Dodge under his breath “Live it up guys, you earned it.” Sonar from 90 feet away “Thank you sir.” Dodge tells Emily how he got his tattoo as we get a music video to end the credits. They perform In The Navy*

Neyz: Am I really seeing this?

Warlock: Unfortunately.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment:  Funny, 8.5

The Warlock’s Assessment:  I give it a 7, funny but a little too silly.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Outstanding

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: There ya go, a navy based movie that was actually funny. Happy now?

Neyz: Yes, its a miracle.

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

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