116. Submarines (2003)



*The Warlock and Mr. America have just finished Special Forces thinking they had finished the American Heroes series. Mr. Wallstreet walks in*

Wallstreet: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.

Warlock: Bad news?

Wallstreet: While I was in there I looked on my phone. Did you say there were 3 movies?

Warlock: Yeah, see?

*Wallstreet shakes his head and creates two open slots next to the three movies*

America: What are you doing?

Wallstreet: I looked it up….there weren’t three movies in the American Heroes series. There were FIVE movies. You’re missing two of them. Marines and Submarines.

*America drops to the floor and holds his head in his hands. Warlock hits his head on the movie rack*


*The Warlock and Mr. America have finished watching Marines. Warlock flicks his wrist and the dvd cover flies to his hand, he flicks his other wrist and the dvd pops out of the player and into the dvd box. He goes over to the two empty slots that Mr Wallstreet created and puts Marines into an empty slot*

America: You know we still have one more to do, right?

Warlock: Unfortunately.



*The Warlock is standing in his lair holding the dvd Submarines. He’s wearing a black wife-beater, blue jeans, white sneakers, gargoyle shades and an NCIS hat. Mr. America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: So its come to this, hasn’t it?

Warlock: Two birds with one stone really. Continue NCIS Appreciation Month and knock off the American Heroes series in one fell swoop.

America: This is the start of the navy based movies right?

Warlock: Yeah, all navy based from here on.

America: Thank god, let’s get this over with.

*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch and puts the dvd in*

Warlock: Yes…..bring on Submarines.


*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Having seized a Soviet nuclear submarine, the terrorist group’s general Sajid Khan sail to the coasts of California decided to raze Los Angeles with a rain of nuclear missiles. American intelligence services are, however, on alert and the Admiral instructs the submarine to intercept the enemy and prevent the threat before it destroys everyone”

America: How are they going to hijack it?

Warlock: Snorkels?

America: Oh just shut up.


*Nu Image*

America: They spelled new wrong again.

Warlock: They’ll never learn


*A Danny Lerner/Boaz Davidson Production*

America: Well, at least I know who to blame for this pile of crap.


*Submarine goes by. Russians are nervous*

Warlock: Why is it always Russians in these movies?


*American Sub and Russian sub bump into each other*

Warlock: Boing!

America: The hell?


*Graphic reads Chechnyan Republic*

Warlock: Oh my god enough with the Chechnyans.


*Koba hatches a plot.Marines storm the palace*

Warlock: Didn’t we just see this movie?


*Zhukov (Stefan Shterev) is with Koba. The marines go to take them down*

America: Well there would be no movie if they succeed, so here comes a big fail.


*Marines wipe out a few terrorists. Thompson (Atanas Srebrev) spots mines all around, trapped*

America: I want to know what kind of mine lights up and gives its position away. Doesn’t make sense.


*Captain and Zhukov fight one on one, Koba films*

Warlock: What does this have to do with submarines?


*Thompson runs over a mine and blows. Captain dives out the window, eluding the terrorists. Zhukov and Koba are still alive*

Warlock: What was the purpose of that?


*Captain Arlington (Jim Davidson) faces a court martial for bumping into the other sub. He walks down the corridor*

Warlock: So Arlington is the dum-dum who bumped into the Russians?

America: Seems like it.


*Lt Heather Mitchell (Jodi Bianca Wise) from JAG is on her way.  Simms (George Stanchev) says the wicked witch is on his ass. The witch is Mitchell and she’s already ripped Talbot (Anton Georgiev) a new one*

Warlock: They’re all Russians as Americans.


*Captain shows up and smokes with Mitchell. He says he’s just hitching a ride home*

Warlock: I can’t find him on the cast list.


*Arlington gets bombed while contemplating*

Warlock: Great strategy, get smashed before the court martial.

America: Pretty sure by the time he gets back to shore, it’ll wear off.


*Russian Captain (Miroslav Kosev) calls the sonar a blind bastard*

Warlock: hahahahahahaha


*The conn kills the captain as the terrorists seize control of the ship for Koba (Robert Miano). Zhukov leads the way*

Warlock: These guys again.


*Zhukov has orders to kill half the crew. Meanwhile in the :”gulf of alaska” a British cargo ship sails*

Warlock: What the hell is it doing in Alaska?


*Valentina (Katerina Goranova) fires a torpedo. Meanwhile the Americans have chow. Tukachevsky (Tyrone Pinkham) heckles Simms. Meanwhile Arlington wants to go after Koba’s sub*

Warlock: Only a movie.


*Toledo (Tim Douglas) and Owens (Rufus Dorsey) check the torpedos on the sub*

Warlock: They’ll never work.


*The XO doesn’t want to obey Arlington because he has a 4 month old he wants to see*

Warlock: Mutiny?


*Valentina and Zhukov banter back and forth, neither of them know where Koba is taking them. Koba “I am not Osama Bin Laden. I am Koba”

Warlock: No, you’re not Osama.


*Valentina picks up something on the sonar. A sub is on its way. Arlington’s sub is tracking their signal*

Warlock: Oh boy, here comes the big fight…..a half hour into the movie.


*Simms keeps losing the signal and all of a sudden, Koba fires two torpedos*

Warlock: So much for the court martial.


*Lee (Stanislov Demitrov) takes counter measures. The torpedo blasts a big hole in the sub*

Warlock: How are they going to explain this one.


*The sub begins to spring leaks. Owens, Talbot and Toledo have to fix everything*

America: Their day keeps getting better and better.


*Koba thinks they’ve sunk the Americans so they turn around. Meanwhile the Americans are in hot pursuit*

Warlock: World’s slowest chase scene.


*The sub is screwed. The maintainence guys can’t fix it*

Warlock: They’re screwed.


*Talbot nearly dies getting crushed by a torpedo but Toledo and Owens save him and manually raise the torpedo*

Warlock: He’s still alive.


*Americans fire torpedo, hit Russian sub, they take damage*

Warlock: Stunned, but no knock out.


*Another torpedo hits and kills Owens, Talbot and Toledo*

Warlock: They’re done.


*The engine magically turns on due to the mini sub*

Warlock: How did that happen.


*XO says they’re at 1500. The screen says 1,081*

America: THAT LYING ASSHOLE! Where the hell did you learn to read.


*The sub rises to safe levels*

Warlock: Only a movie.


*Captain Marine pilots the mini sub to get the real sub. Meanwhile Zhukov tells Koba the crew is about to mutiny. Koba gives him a tongue lashing*

Warlock: Wow.


*Koba says the camera will be their memory*

America: Your logic is flawed sir.

Warlock: If they die, it sinks with the sub.


*Koba brings Valentina aside and shoots her dead for being loyal to Zhukov. He kills the sonar guy too and orders Zhukov to join him*

Warlock: Keep killing your own crew, the Americans won’t have to do shit.


*Arlington informs Captain they’re up against Koba. Captain wants revenge*

Warlock: Cap is in.

America: Wouldn’t you want to take the knife with you and not leave it?


*Zhukov looks over Valentina’s body. Koba says she sacrificed herself to save Koba because the sonar guy attacked. Zhukov buys it*

Warlock: What an idiot if he believes Koba.


*The Russian crew begin to mutiny against the terrorists*

Warlock: About fuckin time.


*A fistfight between sailor and terrorist commences*

Warlock: You know if these weren’t random goons, this would be better.


*Zhukov kills everyone in the room, terrorist and sailor alike*

Warlock: What a brainless oaf.


*The Xo is finally named Chambers (Joseph J Tomaska) and he gives Mitchell a tongue lashing for trying to mutiny. She tries to reason with him to mutiny with her*

Warlock: Wonderful.


*Chambers “The only mistake I ever made was listening to you Mitchell”

Warlock: Yeah, tell that bitch who’s boss!


*Mitchell wants to chat with Arlington next. She tries to talk him out of using the reactor. She yells at him for the collision with the Russian sub*

Warlock: Wonderful.


*Simms reveals he fucked up, not Arlington. It was all his fault*

Warlock: So there’s no mole, it was an accident.


*Captain is now named Harrison (Stephen Ramsey) gives Simms a pep talk*

Warlock: Real American hero.


*Tukachevsky says if this doesn’t work, tell everyone he owes money to to fuck off*

Warlock and America: Hahahaha.


*Mitchell makes one last plea to Chambers to take over. Chambers refuses and Arlington tells everyone to man battle stations. Harrison mans the mini sub as Simms makes it back to the real sub*

Warlock: Is it time for the final battle?


*Harrison opens a curtain and the mini sub is packed with high explosives*

Warlock: Is he gonna kamikaze the sub?

America: I don’t think so.


*Harrison radios and says Koba is a son of a two dollar whore. Koba hears it and freaks. He wants evasive but it delays the nuke launch.  Harrison DOES kamikaze the russians*

Warlock: He went with a bang.


*The russian rub is not sunk, only damaged. Koba pushes Zhukov and films himself ready to launch. Meanwhile Mitchell says she’s gonna help fire a tomahawk at the sub*

Warlock: Are those the same tomahawks in Under Siege?

America: Probably, just not nuclear tipped.

Warlock: Aww man.


*Mitchell sacrifices herself to launch the tomahawk*

Warlock: Oh they’re gonna have a lot of fun explaining this to JAG and NCIS. “Oh yeah, my arresting officer and half my crew are dead”

America: Yeah.


*The tomahawk lands….KABOOM. BYE BYE RUSSIANS*

Warlock: So long terrorists.


*Mitchell and Harrison are reported KIA by the news. The sub is still under investigation*

Warlock: This would have been the perfect time to watch NCIS.


*Arlington walks around the sub and hears the voices of all the dead sailors. He finds Mitchell’s pen and shares bonding moments with Simms*

Warlock: His dreams are going to be haunted forever.


*End credits*

Warlock: Open the hatch, we made it!


Mr. America’s Assessment: 2 out of 10…..crap

The Warlock’s Assessment: 2.5 out of 10….worse than Marines.

Final Grade: 2.0 out of 10 – Total complete crap.


*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: We made it…..11 years and we finally made it.

America: Good god…finally.

Warlock: Air Strike, Air Marshall, Special Forces, Marines, Submarines…they all sucked.

*Warlock drops to the floor, America sprawls out in the recliner*

America: The torture is over.

*Warlock gets up, puts the dvd back in its box and places it in the empty slot next to the rest of the American Heroes series*

Warlock: Goodbye….and have a pleasant evening.


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