115. The 33 (2015)

The 33

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blue wife-beather, jeans, white sneakers, gargoyle shades and an NCIS hat. He’s holding a glass bottle of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock dims the lights and walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight we’re doing The 33.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing a black and white striped dress*

Neyz: What is that?

Warlock: A 2015 movie based on the true story on the 2010 Chile mining collapse where 33 miners were trapped for two months.

Neyz: Like Alive?

Warlock: Hardly…so let’s get started with The 33.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Based on the real-life event, when a gold and copper mine collapses, it traps 33 miners underground for 69 days.”

Neyz: This is gonna make me cry.

 

*Every year 12,000 miners die in accidents*

Warlock: Oh that sucks.

 

*Opening credits set to the beautiful view of the valley of Chile*

Neyz: Nice view.

 

*Mario (Antonio Banderas) listens to a really bad Elvis impersonator at a party while bringing fruit*

Neyz: That’s a nice bowl of fruit.

 

*Escarlette (Naiomi Scott) scores a goal. Mario says she has the best bottom in Copiapo*

Warlock: He’s not wrong.

 

*Mario tells Don Lucho (Lou Diamond Phillips) and wants some overtime the next day*

Warlock: That was wasy.

 

*Jessica (Cote De Pablo) kisses her boyfriend. Warlock stands and shouts*

Warlock: NCIS SPECIAL AGENT ZIVA DAVID IN THE HOUSEEEEEE!!

Neyz: Will you just play the friggin movie?

 

*The bf name is Alex (Mario Casas) Don Jose (Raoul Pinno) asks if their baby is a boy or girl. He says boy, Jessica says girl*

Warlock: Wow, lucky dude.

 

*Don Lucho gives a toast to Mario Gomez (Gustavo Angarita) for his retirement*

Warlock: He dodged a bullet.

 

*Dario (Juan Pablo Raba) is woken up by Maria. He leaves the food she leaves behind*

Neyz: What a dick

 

*Yonni (Oscar Nunez) argues with Marta (Adriana Barraza) as Mario and the boys on the bus laugh at him*

Warlock: Hahahaha

Neyz: Its Ramone! He’s the town everything!

 

*Dario is called a Bolivian loser by one of the guys on the bus*

Neyz: What?

Warlock: Racism.

 

*Don Lucho found glass on level 3. He’s not happy and its not safe. He says its his job to keep them safe. The boss says its his job to pull 250 tons a day. The quota has gone up*

Warlock: That’s bullshit.

 

*Lucho says hi to Dario and calls out for Carlos Mamani (Tennoch Heurta) the new guy from Bolivia who gets heckled. Lucho says Gomez is retiring in 2 weeks and hands him the papers, sign them when he gets back*

Warlock: Uh oh, nevermind.

 

*Carlos asks Mario if the mine entrance is the only way out, Mario says only way in and out*

Neyz: That sucks.

 

*Neyz: Woah they have a friggin crane in there? It must be deep.”

 

*Boys banter as Carlos begins gagging*

Warlock: He’s not used to the lack of oxygen.

 

*The boys reach the core of the mountain*

Neyz: Holy shit, talk about no oxygen.

 

*The Machine Shop is 1,700 feet below, 90 degrees farenheit*

Warlock: Damn that’s hot.

 

*The Refuge is 2,300 feet below, 94 degrees farenheit*

Warlock: And they’re wearing miner suits, good god.

Neyz: Talk about shitty ass air too.

 

*Lucho keeps finding broken mirrors*

Warlock: Someone’s got 7 years bad luck.

 

*Lucho spots the cracked mountain*

Neyz: This is very important.

 

*Alex says Rodrigo (Jorge Godoy) offered him a better job and thinks about taking it. Meanwhile Mario gives Carlos a demonstration on what to do. All of a sudden the place begins to crumble. Mario tells everyone to run for it*

Warlock: We’re wasting no time.

 

*Lucho runs for it*

Neyz: He told the fuckin pencil pusher. They’re an hour out.

 

*Dario falls and Alex grabs him in time. Lucho runs into the main hall and tells everyone to go for the carrier*

Neyz: This is scawrrrry

 

*Alex pulls up Dario and they run for it. Henriquez almost gets caught in the landslide*

Neyz: Wear your hard hats fool!

 

*Lucho says to head for the Refuge since everything is coming from above. The mountain collapses as Henriquez gathers the other half of the miners and drive for it*

Neyz: Wow.

 

*Carlos falls off the truck and Lucho doesn’t hear him so he doesn’t stop. Carlos runs for it and Mario gets him back on as everything collapses behind them*

Warlock: That was close.

Neyz: Oh my god. This is just day 1

 

*Yonni is calming everyone down as Dario takes a swig*

Warlock: I need a drink too.

 

*Lucho crashes the truck as the other half of the miners make a run for it. The mine collapses and everyone is blown in different directions*

Warlock: Now the movie begins.

 

*Mario wakes up and finds Gomez. Alex is puking but is okay*

Warlock: Its 90 degrees out, I don’t blame them.

 

*Gomez is okay. Henriquez (Marco Trevino) is okay as well. Mario figures out everyone he was riding with is alive. He spots all the gold that caved in on top of them*

Warlock: Lot of gold.

Neyz: And they’re blocked in.

 

*Mario “That’s not a rock, that’s the heart of the mountain, she finally broke*

Warlock: Good god.

 

*Boss is named Castillo (Mario Zaragoza) and he reports the mine collapse. Don Jose and Jessica are on their way to the mine. Everyone watches on the news that 33 men are trapped*

Warlock: They’re all alive though.

 

*Lucho counts all 33 heads and say the Refuge should be able to hold them all. Mario says he doesn’t want to sit around and wait. Lucho says its his job to keep their safety. Mario says he’s going to try to escape. Carlos goes with Mario*

Neyz: Don’t they have a radio?

 

*Katty (Kate del Castillo) wants Castillo’s head and the guards start shooting at them to back them away. Maria (Juliette Binoche) screams and asks for rescue teams. Meanwhile President Pinera (Bob Gunton) is informed by Isabel Pereria (Paulina Garcia) of the situation. Laurence (Rodrigo Santoro) wants to go help but Isabel tries to talk him out of it. Laurence says its his moral responsibility*

Warlock: Now for the rescue.

 

*Mario uses a bulldozer and has Alex help him to try for ladders. Luis asks Lobos (Alejandro Goic) for the radio. It doesn’t work*

Warlock: Fuck.

 

*Mario makes it up the ladder and they’re still caved in. He and Alex have to go back*

Warlock: Guess they can’t mine their way out.

Neyz: Not enough tools.

 

*Alex is nearly wiped out by a landslide as everyone else prays for safety. Meanwhile Laurence is trying to make his way in but Maria has him pegged. Laurence promises he’s going to help and he goes right to Castillo. He asks what attempts have he made to rescue and he says he hasn’t*

Warlock: What an asshole.

 

*Castillo gives him the runaround and saying no one has ever survived a collapse in his 25 years of mining. Laurence goes to the mob and says there will be no rescue, Maria drops him with a right cross*

Warlock: He deserved that.

Neyz: This is hard to watch.

 

*Dario wants chow but Yonni tries to reason with him that everyone needs to be fed. They throw him out of the way. Meanwhile Mario confronts Lucho about the unfinished ladders. A fight breaks out over the food and Mario takes control. Dario asks what the big deal is and Mario says they’re buried alive. They need to ration the food to keep alive. Lucho says there will be no rescue*

Warlock: Losing morale early.

 

*Lucho screams that the owners don’t care about them. He says they’ll wait 3 days, close the mine and put up gravestones. Mario says no, if they don’t dig them out, their families will. He believes*

Warlock: Hear hear.

 

*Dario starts saying they have 90 grams of tuna per person a day*

Warlock: That sucks.

 

*The president calls for Andre Sougarret (Gabriel Byrne) to come help. He’s their new chief engineer. He’s coming to get them out of the mine*

Warlock: Gabriel Byrne is going to save the day.

 

*Andre says the team, if alive, is in the Refuge. They’re going to have to drill. Best case is they reach them in eight days. They’re too far down. The biggest problem is the drills will deviate*

Warlock: They won’t go straight downs.

 

*Andre “There’s a 1% chance we’ll find them*

Neyz: That sucks.

 

*Mario rations off condensed milk for the 33. They all take their share. They make fun of Carlos again*

Warlock: Assholes.

 

*Andre’s drills arrive. Maria thanks Laurence*

Neyz: Don’t thank him, he did nothing!

 

*The miners banter when they start hearing the drills. Graphic reads Day 5*

Warlock: I would have gone insane by that time.

 

*Andre is pissed because they hit much harder rock than they expected. Andre needs new drills and snaps at Laurence to go be a suit. He has to go tell everyone they’re doing the best they can*

Warlock: I don’t want his job.

 

*Maria apologizes for whacking Laurence and they share bonding moments. Meanwhile Dario has a complete freak out*

Warlock: What the hell is wrong with him?

Neyz: Alcohol withdrawal.

 

*The pastor holds a private vigil for Dario to calm him down. Meanwhile at the surface a John Deere tractor brings wood. Jessica holds school for the children of the miners*

Warlock: Everybody set up shop.

 

*Susana (Elizabeth De Razzo) shows up claiming to be Yonni’s mistress. His wife slaps her away*

Warlock: Oh good grief.

 

*More rationing of food and drink and Gomez asks what is this. Alex has made a water filter. Gomez says if they make it out alive, find a new line of work. Alex tells him to shut up. Graphic reads Day 12*

Neyz: And they were only supposed to last 3 days.

 

*The 33 guys hear the drills getting closer and start celebrating*

Neyz; They’re using too many lights, they need to save batteries.

 

*The drills deviate from their location and Mario goes sad. Lucho has given up home and claims he’s starving. Alex throws his hat at Mario and starts freaking out*

Neyz: He’s wasting so much energy.

 

*Lucho says he let everyone down. He knew the place was dangerous. Mario gives him a pep talk*

Neyz: Its not his fault. Yeah Antonio!

 

*Andre says to Laurence that they missed by 10 meters. Maria shakes her head and Laurence shakes his head*

Neyz: So try again!

 

*Alex goes to kill himself and Mario says don’t do it alone, he’ll join him. Mario says not to give up. Meanwhile at the surface, Laurence says not to give up when Andre loses hope. Graphic reads Day 14. Don Fransisco (Mario Kreutzberger) shows up and tells the news what’s going on*

Neyz: Who’s that?

Warlock: Some talk show host.

 

*Carlos sneaks up behind Mario. Mario “You scared the shit out of me!” Mario says nobody is eating anybody while he’s there*

Warlock: This will not be a sequel to Alive!

 

*Jessica is scared and crying*

Warlock: Wow, never seen Ziva like this.

 

*Mario grabs the last can of tuna and prepares water for everyone*

Warlock: This will take a miracle.

Neyz: They’re losing muscle mass.

 

*A sober Dario says he’s sorry for stealing the cookies and begs for forgiveness. They all forgive him*

Warlock: Wonderful, how are they gong to get out of there.

 

*Everyone starts hallucinating about the ladies in the movie bringing them food*

Warlock: What in the name of hell?

Neyz: Its a huge giant burger.

Warlock: They needed a way to take off the run time.

 

*Yonni hallucinates his mom (Rosa Garavito) brings him food. Carlos has milked a cow*

Warlock: I don’t know what the point of this is, but it sure is funny.

 

*Dario meanwhile doesn’t hallucinate*

Neyz: He’s got nothing!

 

*Mario says he’s proud to tell everyone he’s sharing his last meal with everyone. Gomez pulls out his retirement papers and hands them in. “I quit!”

Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Lucho laughs his ass off at Gomez and the entire table cracks up*

Warlock: Hahahahahahahahhaa

 

*At the surface, Andre prepares to go home. He’s ready to read a memorial and Laurence says its bullshit. Three hundred people have surrounded the area and Andre says they’ve been down there for 16 days at 100 degrees. Its a tomb for them. Andre gives up and Laurence is pissed*

Warlock: Laurence says “fuck it, give me a shovel” Mine boys…mine!

 

*Jessica sings in Spanish as the memorial gets underway. Andre hears the singing and gets re-inspired. Maria hands her empanada to Laurence and he likes it. Meanwhile Jessica finishes the song*

Warlock: She looks like a homeless bum.

 

*Laurence wants to re-start the drill. Andre asks what he’s up to. Andre and Laurence aim the drill in the right location. They’re going to aim in the wrong direction and hope they deviate into the Refuge. Andre realizes the plan and smiles*

Neyz: Brilliant!

 

*Andre congratulates Laurence and now the drill is restarted. Mario walks and looks over everyone, they’re just about done for. Mario lays down but is awoken by water droplets. The drill is on its way. The drill makes it to the refuge and Mario screams*

Warlock: Step 1 complete.

 

*Back at the surface Laurence can hear the miners celebrating. Andre calls for a stethoscope and confirms that they’re alive. Lucho ties a note to the drill and it reaches the surface. Andre and Laurence celebrate with Hurtado. The president goes on TV and says they’re all alive*

Neyz: I can’t handle it.

 

*Laurence and Maria hug as Yonni’s mistress and wife hug*

Neyz: Seriously?

 

*A camera is lowered into the mine, Laurence and Lucho communicate. Anderson Cooper (himself) reports the miners have been found 17 days into it*

Neyz: Heyyyy

Warlock: This was real news that happened in 2010.

 

*Supplies are brought down to the miners including food, water and fresh clothes. Montage of everyone talking to their families and Super Mario t-shirts being made*

Warlock: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

 

*President says they’ll get them out by Christmas and everyone goes nuts*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Dario sees Maria and is too scared to talk. Farkas shows up and says everyone gets 10 grand, Dario cries and Maria leaves*

Neyz: Oh fuck.

 

*Graphic reads Day 50. Laurence can’t get closer to them. Lucho freaks out on Mario while Yonni gets made fun of for his mistress trouble. Mario is getting a book deal when this is over and Yonni is pissed.  They start to revolt and Mario tells them to fuck off. He tells Lucho “a real leader never gives up” and walks away. Meanwhile President is pissed that they can’t get them out*

Warlock: They hit a snag.

 

*Graphic reads Day 54. Mario spots Dario coming. Dario says he’s been mad at Mario his whole life. He says he doesn’t know what to do. Mario says you hug her and cry like a baby*

Warlock: Hahahahahahaa

 

*Yonni goes after Carlos’ ipod and Carlos rolls over and goes to kill him with a knife. Mario stops him. He says “You were gonna kill a man for this piece of shit?” He throws the ipod and goes on an epic rant saying the media is splitting them up unintentionally. Mario says he didn’t sign the book deal but says he would have. He didn’t do it because they were all mad*

Warlock: He let those assholes dictate their life?

 

*Andre and Laurence’s magnets have worked. They’re going to drill a bigger hole now to get the miners out. Laurence has the families rally around the drills. Day 58 graphic is shown*

Warlock: It took 11 days to find them?

 

*Lucho says they’re coming too close from the support beams. He says they’ll need to blow it open from inside. Lucho “We’re all ready to get out of here, or die trying.”

Warlock: Good line.

 

*Jessica starts having contractions and says she’s staying right there. Meanwhile the miners get ready to blow open the mine. Marta the wife leaves as Susi the mistress stays*

Warlock: Good grief.

 

*Mario blows the iron and the drills make their way through. They’re going to send a capsule down there designed to rescue them one by one. Its now day 62*

Warlock: That’s two months.

 

*Andre and Laurence figure out the explosion has triggered a chain reaction, they have to get them out now or 700,000 tons of rock will be coming down. Andre says the first guy out will be in the greatest danger and he could be the only guy who makes it out. They have to decide who goes first. Graphic reads Day 69*

Warlock: Time to end this.

 

*The capsule makes it to the Refuge. Alex is chosen to go first*

Warlock: He’s clean shaven.

Neyz: Yeah, they dropped off care packages through a tube.

 

*Alex is raised in the capsule, they track him on the monitor. The drill stops 300 meters from the surface. They scramble to get him out and Alex is safely brought to the surface amidst a crowd of cheers*

Warlock: One down, 32 to go.

 

*They celebrate on the surface and below. Jessica walks up to Alex with their daughter in her arms. Laurence cries like a baby, Andre as well*

Neyz: Awwwww

 

*Mario is next to go. He makes it to the surface and he celebrates with the crowd*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha that’s hilarious.

 

*Gomez is rescued, then Yonni, one by one they’re rescued*

Neyz: They have to wear sunglasses because they haven’t seen the sun in two months.

 

*Dario makes it and asks for Maria. Laurence can’t find her. The President walks up to Laurence as Andre celebrates with his family. Dario continues to search for Maria. He finds her. They hug, he cries*

Warlock: Just like Mario said.

 

*Back in the refuge, Lucho is the last to go. He sees “Here lived 33 miners. August 5 to October 13. God was with us” written on the wall. He laughs as the capsule is lowered*

Warlock: He says “Nah, its less crowded now, I’ll stick around.”

Neyz: Uh uh.

 

*The San Jose Mining Company was found not guilty of criminal negligence. The miners were never compensated*

Warlock: That’s bullshit.

 

*We get the real 33 miners having lunch together*

Warlock: That’s so cool.

 

*They remain brothers to this day*

Neyz: Awwww

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Good.

 

Neyzor Blades’ Assessment:  Very good, 9 out of 10

The Warlock’s Assessment:  I agree with you, 9 out of 10

Final Grade: 9 out of 10 – Classic

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was a great movie. Have a pleasant evening.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s