*The Warlock is playing am Ibanez bass guitar in his basement, a pre-recorded Mr. Wallstreet drumbeat is playing and Mr. America is playing lead guitar on a LesPaul Standard. Warlock is wearing a black wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and an NCIS hat. America is in standard camo gear*
Warlock and America: Lick it up…..Lick it up…Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Warlock: Its only right now.
Warlock and America: Lick it up….Lick it up….Ohhhhhhhhhh
America: Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhh
*America plays the bridge but Warlock stops suddenly*
America: Ohhhhhh…hey wait…why’d you stop?
Warlock: Its movie time.
America: Are you kidding? Ughhh, I’m gonna smash this over your head.
Warlock: You wouldn’t, it cost too much.
*Warlock and America walk upstairs*
America: It’ll be worth it. What are we watching anyway?
Warlock: I am Number Four.
*America sits in the recliner, Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
America: What the hell is that?
Warlock: I have no idea.
America: Then why are we doing this?
Warlock: NCIS Appreciation Month
America: And what does…..nevermind…the hell with it.
Warlock: So let’s get started shall we? I am Number Four.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Aliens and their Guardians are hiding on Earth from intergalactic bounty hunters. They can only be killed in numerical order, and Number Four is next on the list. This is his story.”
America: Maybe they’ll get lucky and the bounty hunters made a clerical error to forget someone to give this guy more time.
*Movie open with panoramic view of Earth and dark view of some forest*
Warlock: Hey brightness guy, wake up.
America: Damn CGI, I’d like this better if it was a legitimate helicopter shot.
*Some guy is lying in a hammock. Some other guy (Reuben Langdon) sleeps nearby. He grabs a scythe*
Warlock: Get down, get down, get down!
America: Oh just die already.
*Large alien kills second guy. First guy somersaults out of the hut*
Warlock: I give the gymnastics a six.
*Alien grabs and kills the first guy with a knife. It was Number Three (Greg Townley)*
Warlock: There ya go
*Radioactive by Kings of Leon plays as Daniel (Alex Pettyfer) goes motorboating with friends. They check out Nicole (Emily Wickersham) as Warlock stands and shouts*
Warlock: NCIS SPECIAL AGENT ELLIE BISHOP IN THE HOUSEEEEEEEE!!!
America: I am so sick of that.
*Daniel goes for a private swim with Nicole. Daniel’s leg tattoo starts burning and he goes underwater to see the alien taunting him. He swims to shore and Nicole calls him a freak*
*Some dude in ponytail asks Daniel if anyone saw what happened*
America: Ha, lots of people!
*A lizard goes down the boardwalk*
America: There’s your best supporting actor.
*Daniel’s ponytail buddy throws Daniel’s college stuff into a burning fire and says its only slowing them down. The lizard climbs into the back of the jeep*
America: Told you he’s best supporter.
*A Daniel voiceover says ponytail dude is Henri (Timothy Olyphant) and he’s Daniel’s guardian from their home planet. He doesn’t remember his real father. He got his first scar when he was 9 years old. The second when he was 12. Last night was his third scar. The Mogadorians invaded his planet and 9 survivors made it out alive. They’re hunting them down one by one in order. He is number four*
Warlock: At least they tell you the plot right there.
America: 9 guys escaped, they’re being hunted down, simple enough.
*Daniel tells Henri he’s next. They move in somewhere else and hang a poster of Bernie Kosar*
Warlock: Bernie Kosar? Of all people….Bernie Kosar lol.
*The lizard follows the duo and turns into a different animal*
Warlock: Oh damn.
*Daniel has to re-do drivers license photos and erase his previous life. His new name is John. They hear a knock on the door and outside is a dog whining*
Warlock: Its the infiltrator!
*John names the dog Bernie Kosar*
Warlock: New quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, a dog.
America: Can’t be any worse than Johnny Manziel.
*Human woman blows up John and Henri’s old house. Its Number Six (Terersa Palmer)*
Warlock: That’s Six.
America: What happened to Number Five?
Warlock: There’ our clerical error.
*John says he knows how to blend in. Next frame shows him as the only one wearing a hood. The dog follows him*
Warlock: Oh yeah, real inconspicuous.
*Mr. Behrman (L Derek Leonidorff) yells at Sarah (Dianna Agron) and storms out. Principal Simms (Garrett M Brown) hands her the camera back. She’s supposed to show John to his locker. They do and share bonding moments. John gets a call from Henri and his ring tone is Somebodies Watching Me by Rockwell*
Warlock: I always feel like….
America and Warlock: Somebodies watching meeeeeeeee
America: Can’t get no privacy
*Mark (Jake Abel), Kevin (Patrick Semes), Jackson, Tyler and Max descend upon John. They’re the school bullies and they test him but don’t insult him. They bash Sam (Callan McAulliffe) against the locker. Sam groans that the Homecoming King against the Science Nerd is played out. He tells John that Mark is in year 3 of the best 4 years of his life*
Warlock: Yeah, true that.
*Sappy song plays as John attends class. He walks through the outside cafeteria and spots Sarah sitting alone. Mark, Kevin and a crony throw a football and hit Sam in the head with a football. John goes over to help and Kevin asks for the football. John chucks the ball 100 miles an hour and launches Kevin backwards. The crony, Kevin and Mark back away*
America: So much for inconspicuous.
*John sees his picture on Sarah’s website*
Warlock: Don’t show Henri that.
*The pictures delete themselves. Henri walks in and gives him shit*
Warlock: Too late.
*The mogs descend upon the old beach house Number Six blew up. They figure out Four is alive. Meanwhile in class, John observes other students. Mark sits next to John to give him the runaround and John begins to glow. He breaks out in sweat and his hands begins to glow. He runs to the bathroom his hands emit powerful light. He plunges his hands into a bucket of water*
America: That’s not gonna help.
*Henri shows up and calms him down. He tells him that his powers are growing as he ages and only the Nine have them. Back home John is told not to arouse suspicion but sneaks out anyway. John hucks a large rock 200 miles an hour into the atmopshere. He also runs and does parkour through a forest. He does a shooting star press off a cliff and lands on his feet. Meanwhile the dog follows him*
America: Why did you do a backwards flip?
*The mog buys a whole bunch of turkeys, the grocery store cashier says its too early for Thanksgiving. The mog then chucks the groceries in the back of a track where a giant monster makes eating noises*
Warlock: That thing again.
*John and Sarah share bonding moments and character development. Across the street Sam’s stepdad (Charles Carroll) yells at Sam. Sarah says its his stepdad*
Warlock: Hope he gets his comeuppance.
*Sarah invites John for dinner. Her dad (Cooper Thornton), mom (Judith Hoag) and brother (Jack Walz) are eating dinner and they all give up their cell phones. John has 3 missed calls from Henri. He has to tell her parents he has no mom. The parents are cool and John loves it. Back in Sarah’s room he asks what she wants to do with her life. She doesn’t know. He goes through her personal photo album. She’s nervous about it. He says “You can take our picture but we can’t see yours?” John sits next to Sarah but Bernie shows up and barks loudly. John has to go but Sarah makes him stay long enough to give him a camera. He leaves with Bernie and Mark is outside seething. Next day John and Sam get pranked by Mark. Sam’s picture of his real father gets ruined. Sam charges Mark but is thrown back, John pushes Mark back but can’t use his power so he backs off. Mark says “Good boy”
Warlock: Oh, he could have done some serious damage.
*Sam talks about his real dad to John as Henri looks up Sam’s dad on the internet, apparently went missing*
Warlock: You know that’s going to be apart of the plot.
*Sam reveals he’s into UFO’s and his dad was planning on their arrival. Sam runs away and John tries to talk to him. Sarah smiles at John but he blows her off. Henri shows up to the Mill that Sam’s dad worked at*
America: We’re going to go investigating.
*Henri finds a sinkhole that leads to an underground cavern. Henri finds symbols from his home planet. He asks what Malcolm (Sam’s dad) was up to. Back home Henri does some more research as John doodles in his room. Sarah texts him and he blows her off*
*Mog (Damien Walters) scares a fat kid in the back of a car*
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*John spots Sarah at the town carnival. He confronts her about Mark and she says he wanted her to be a cheerleader and she refused, she wanted to be a photographer. When they broke up, Mark spread rumors and everyone believed them*
Warlock: Typical high school.
*She says she doesn’t care what anyone thinks and does her own thing. Sarah takes John for a haunted hayride*
America: Great, perfect place for the hunters to go after him
Warlock: Good call.
*Demented Farmer (Bill Laing) says the rides over as John sees a sign that says his number his up*
*Some weirdo in a chainsaw chases them away, its apart of the show. All of a sudden Mark and his boys jump him, he uses his powers to beat the shit out of them. Mark grabs Sarah and runs off as John beats up Kevin and makes him tell her where Sarah is. Sam follows behind and watches John uses his powers. John walks up to Mark and he takes a swing, but John takes him down. Sarah makes him stop*
*Sarah asks John to walk her home. John wants to talk and she says John will be gone but Mark won’t go away. John goes to kiss her using the hair flip and cheesy line tactic, then kisses*
Warlock: Textbook first kiss.
America: *Sarcastic* Oh my god…..I never saw that coming.
*They kiss again*
Warlock: Textbook dude.
*John walks by a streetlight that randomly explodes*
America: Is the predictability over?
*John uses his power to start blasting streetlights. He gets a text from Sam saying he saw everything and to meet at his house*
*John goes to the front door and asks to come to the shed. Sam wants to know what he is. John won’t say so he threatens with pictures. John says “Knock yourself out.” Sam gives a sob story about his past and says to explain himself to get him and his dad off the hook. John admits he’s an alien and Malcolm was right. John tells Sam not to tell anyone because there are guys after him. Sam’s dad yells at him from a distance to go inside and John reinforces the promise. Next day Bernie barks around*
Warlock: The unofficial mascot.
*Sheriff James (Jeff Hochendoner) shows up and says Mark’s crew got badly beat up. Mark is his son. Henri thanks him for his time. Sheriff notices the security cameras around and leaves. Henri says they’re leaving town and John refuses to go. Henri asks if its because of a girl*
*Henri gives him a tongue lashing and says people died for him. John refuses to leave so he storms out. Henri protests and John throws him against the side of the house. Henri fights back and disarms him. John asks why they’re after him and Henri admits that the 6 remaining aliens are the only 6 that can stop the mogs. Henri says he’ll give him a day to say goodbye to Sarah*
Warlock: Better make it count.
*Number Six finds the video of Four in the water online*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*John finds himself alone as Henri is gone. The box his real father gave him is on a desk. He gets a call saying if he wants to see Henri, come to Indiana. He calls Sam for help, he tells him the story. Sarah calls but he blows her off*
*Sam drives John to the meeting place. Sam cocks a shotgun and says to go but John says to go home*
Warlock: Don’t turn your back on a boomstick.
*Sam refuses to leave. He argues that maybe the mogs had something to do with his dad’s disappearance. Some dude walks out of the meeting place and Sam admires John’s power…except he deadbolted the door instead of opened it*
*Sam follows the guy who left as John investigates with his hand lights*
America: It would be nice if half the movie wasn’t left in the dark.
*The place is deserted with alien paranoia paraphernalia strewn about. John finds Henri tied up and gets attacked, but beats up his attacker ten frees Henri. The attacker is actually on their side. Henri reveals the mogs are after them. They have to go now. John hears a noise and nearly gets evaporated by a very large burst of light*
America: Guess who.
*Henri fights with the mog and tells John and Sam to get lost. Henri uses the shotgun to take down the mog. Sam can’t get the car started until Henri runs in the car and says John can start it manually. John can’t start the car s the Mog jumps on the car and impales Henri. Henri pulls out the rock he found and said Malcolm was on their side and tried to bring the Nine together. They pull over and Henri is dying. John “I can’t do this on my own”
America: You’re going to have to.
*Henri dies in John’s arms*
Warlock and America: Ehhhhhhhhhhh
*Back in the barn, the two attackers were Frank (Brian Howe) and Bret (Andy Owen). The mogs figure out Four is close. The leader (Kevin Durand) taunts the two guys before killing them. Meanwhile Sherrif James confronts Sarah and asks where John is. Sam turns on his police scanner and finds out the police raided Henri’s place. Sarah texts John “Who are you?” Meanwhile the bodies of Frank and Bret are hauled out with Number Six watching. John wants Malcom’s rock from Sam then Sam can go home. John goes to Sarah’s house and Mark is there. Meanwhile Bernie stops Sam in the middle of the street*
Warlock: Ok so Bernie the dog lizard is best supporting.
*Sam continues to look for the rock as John joins Sarah on the roof. She wants the truth as Sheriff James and the police are on their way. John says goodbye but Sarah falls off the roof. John uses his power to stop her from falling and he runs down to catch her. John uses his powers to dispatch the police as Mark looks on shocked. Everyone has their camera phones off. Sarah says to come with her as Mark rides with the Sheriff. He says he may know where they are. Mogs pull up in front of Sheriff’s car. They pull the Sheriff out and throw him against the fence then bring Mark out. The leader taunts him and asks where John is. Sarah brings John to school to develop pictures*
Warlock: That’s great, how’s this going to help?
*John shows off his power to impress Sarah. Meanwhile a group of mogs have descended on the high school. The leader says to surround the area and they have the the big alien monster in a big rig. Mark says to let him go and the leader says Ring Around The Rosie*
Warlock: They better have a better perimeter than the phony SWAT team from Endgame.
*Mark yells for Sarah to run and they throw him up against the school*
Warlock: I don’t think he’s gonna make it.
*Number Six shows up and starts blasting blogs with alien weapons. A shootout occurs*
America: That’s number five.
America: Then who is number five?
*Six wipes out the mogs and asks where Henri is, he says he’s dead. She says her protector is dead too. Meanwhile Sam shows up with Bernie in tow. The two alien monsters escape and Bernie turns into a demon dog*
America: There’s number five.
America: No the dog!
*Sam runs into the school totell them two alien dogs escaped and Bernie turned into one of them. He spots Six and asks her name and she says Jane Doe and calls him a tool. John asks what’s after them and an alien dog crashes through the window*
Warlock and America: That.
*The mogs attack as well. Sam, Six and Sarah run as John fights off the monster with his power and parkour*
Warlock: I love how John can’t kill anything.
*Bernie the giant werewolf takes down the monster*
Warlock: Okay so he IS on their side.
America: Told you he’s number five.
*The mogs attack and a grenade sends Six flying*
America: Wait…they can’t kill her or else they’ll be out of order!
Warlock: That’s cheating!
*Six is out of power and needs John to recharge her*
Warlock: So she’s like Bishop from X-Men.
*Six “Red bulls’ for pussies”
Warlock: Quote of the year.
*John spots the mog who killed Henry and wants him one on one. Sarah kills a mog with a sword and tosses it to John in the middle of their fight. John stabs and kills the mog with it. Six says Bernie is a chimera assigned to protect him. Bernie the chimera fights with one of the monsters and the monster gets the upper hand. Then the monster slips on the wet floor and Bernie rips its throat out. Bernie turns back into the dog and lays down in the water*
Warlock: Taking a bath, he’ll be okay.
*Sam, Sarah, Six and John keep running around the school. They run outside and the second monster attacks on the football field. Two mogs and the leader attack as well. John tells Sam to get Sarah out of there. They run back in and Sam fries a mog with one of his own weapons. Sam “I play a lot of X-Box”
Warlock: Nice shooting stranger.
*Six and John wipe out the mog subordinates but the monster takes Six in the air. John powers her up so she can kill the monster but John is dropped with a lazer gun. The leader taunts him and says John never had a chance to stop it. Meanwhile John spots the grenades on the leader’s chest and uses his power to light him up. He takes out the entire stadium but Six uses her power to shield John. Sam and Sarah walk out to the brimstone. John and Six walk out of it alive*
America: You guys attracted a lot of unwarranted attention.
*Six and Four put the rocks together and it disappears. Sam “That was disappointing” Six and John say they know where to go. Mark walks up and hands John his father’s box, he turns face by saying he took it out of the evidence locker. He tells them to go west because he told his dad he’s going east. John says Sam is coming with them as Six says she’ll shoot him herself if he gets in the way*
America: There’s the next love plot.
*John kisses Sarah goodbye as Bernie the dog hobbles up to them*
Warlock: Hey look who’s here.
America: Bernie made it!
*Sam, Bernie, Six and John leave Mark and Sarah behind*
Warlock: Mark gets the girl at the end, who saw that coming? Hahaha the movie just gave everyone the double middle finger.
America: So no Number Five?
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 6
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7, a pretty basic movie but still pretty good.
Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was pretty good. The plot was so easy to figure out so most dumb fans couldn’t get lost. It had a decent cast and everyone played their roles well. It wasn’t the greatest movie in the world but it was pretty good. That about wra….
*Mr. America cocks a 12 gauge double barrelled Remington and aims it at The Warlock’s head*
Warlock: What the hell are you doing?
America: I just figured it out. All this time I’ve been wondering where your magic powers came from. All these years I wondered how you developed them over time. Then all of a sudden it hit me. You kept saying she was Number Six and not Five…….YOU’RE NUMBER FIVE! The magic powers, the levitatng, YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!!!
*Warlock turns his head slowly and sneers*
Warlock: Want to know the truth?
America: You got 3 seconds.
Warlock: Ask me if I’m one of them.
America: Are you one of them?
*Warlock takes a long dramatic pause*
*America takes a long pause*
America: Oh okay.
*America puts the gun down*
America: I have to take a piss, I’ll be back.
*America leaves and Warlock sits back down, his hands start to glow*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.