109. The Ring (2002)

The Ring


*Mr. Wallstreet,  Mr. America and The Warlock are watching Watch Me*

Wallstreet: Hey wait a minute, I know where I’ve seen something like this before.

Warlock: Where?

Wallstreet: The Ring. Pretty sure this movie is a ripoff.

Warlock: Have you ever seen The Ring, Mr. America?

America: No, have you?

Warlock: No.

Wallstreet: You should.



*The Warlock is in the lair in front of the TV. He puts on a blank VHS tape and a giant ring appears followed by a girl in a white dress. Mr. America walks in and asks what he’s watching. He sees the ring too and Warlock immediately shuts the TV off*

Warlock: Nothing…nothing.

*The phone on the wall suddenly rings and Warlock answers. A voice on the other line says “7 days”

Warlock: I’m not waiting 7 days for a damn pizza!

*Warlock hangs up the phone and America looks confused*


*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a gray wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers, gargoyle shades and an NCIS hat. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight’s terror tale is The Ring. The 2002 American version of the Japanese horror thriller.

*Mr. Americais in the recliner.  He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. *

America: NCIS Appreciation Month?

Warlock: Exactly.

America: Yes, because nothing says NCIS like murderous ghosts.

Warlock: Hey we can watch a romantic comedy..

America: Okay you win.

*The phone suddenly rings*

America: You gonna get that?

*Warlock answers the phone. A voice says “2 hours”

Warlock: I’m not waiting 2 hours for a pizza!

*Warlock hangs up and America starts to get it*

America: What was that tape you had on last week.

Warlock: Uh…nothing.

America: NOTHING??  We’re gonna die aren’t we?

Warlock: Hey there’s a bird outside.

America: If you want to see birds, I’ll smack you so you’ll see them flying around your head….

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Let’s get started with The Ring.


*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A journalist must investigate a mysterious videotape which seems to cause the death of anyone in a week of viewing it.”

America: Considering all the crap movies out there, how bad could it be? If anything we should have been dead a long time ago.


*Girl “I hate watching television, it gives me a headache”

America: Then don’t watch it.


*Girl number 2 tells her about the haunted video tape where you watch it, your phone rings, and you’ll die in 7 days*

Warlock: Why 7? Why not that second.


*Girl 1 is Katie (Amber Tamblyn) and she says she watched the tape the week before*

Warlock: Wompwompwompppppppp

America: Better start ordering your tombstone.


*Katie starts gagging and choking for no reason then laughs*

Warlock: She almost had me.


*The phone rings*

Warlock: Hey can you get that?

America: What? No!


*The girls are scared*

Warlock: Hey wait, the phone rings, they answer, you die?

America: Yeah.

Warlock: Then don’t answer it! You’re safe!


*Girl 2 is Becca (Rachel Bella) and Katie’s mom calls to tell her to go to bed*

America: Oh you’ll be asleep for a longgggggg time.


*Katie “Becca quit being a bitch, where’s the remote?” She sees the remote*

Warlock: *Pointing* Right there!

America: You know, if she watched the tape with a bunch of friends, this evil entity has a lot of house calls to make.

Warlock: Putting in some overtime.


*Katie freaks out when the tv turns on by itself and the fridge opens on its own. She calls out for Becca. She runs upstairs and the hallway is flooded with water. she opens the door and screams*

Warlock: Oh ….kay.


*A teacher (Sandra Thigpen) watches a little boy draw. Rachel Keller (Naomi Watts) screams at Harvey (Alan Blumenfeld) and walks into the class cursing. The boy gets up and leaves and the teacher asks if she has a minute*

America: You know its never a good sign when the teacher asks that.


*The boy’s name is Aidan (David Dorfman) and his cousin is dead. The teacher guilt trips her into talking to him more. The teacher shows a bunch of drawn pictures of him excavating Katie’s body. The teacher is concerned because Katie died 3 nights ago and the cartoons were drawn the week before*

America: The plot thickens.


*Aidan says they’re going to die soon and Aidan says Katie knew she was a gonner. Rachel walks out confused*

Warlock: THAT’S not a good sign.


*Rachel hops around in her underwear*

Warlock: Well this movie just got a little better.


*Aidan is finishing putting on his suit as Rachel leads him to the memorial service. Aidan is distraught and he puts a flower on the front desk*

Warlock: That’s not where the body is you retard.

America: It could have been a cremation.


*Rachel hugs Ruth (Lindsay Frost) and she’s sad. Dave (Michael Spound) says he’s fine and asks how Rachel is*

Warlock: Did you expect him to say “I’m going to dive out a window?”


*Ruth says Katie’s heart suddenly stopped and no doctor can figure out why it happened. She says she saw her face. 2 girls (Sasha Barrese and Tess Hall) outside say Becca is in a mental hospital now. Rachel walks out and smokes with the 2 girls. Kellen (Adam Brody) says it was the tape*

Warlock: Damn smokers.


*Kellen says Josh is dead too. He says he killed himself the same night Katie died*

Warlock: Now the plot thickens.

America: I already said that.


*Aidan visualizes Katie running up the stairs*

Warlock: Wait, they’re having a memorial service in Katie’s own house?

America: I’m pretty sure this is after the service.

Warlock: I was going to say, last place I’d ever want a service is here.


*Aidan looks at the tv in Katie’s room and Rachel catches him. Aidan “Its not her room anymore”

Warlock: Maybe he’s connected.

America: I’m willing to bet he’s already watched the tape.


*Rachel finds a number for a photo possessing store. Rachel has the pictures developed*

Warlock: She found a clue!


*The last picture on the roll is distorted*

America: Dun dunn dunnnnnnnnn


*Rachel researches how Josh died. Finds the two friends who were with them at the cabin died at 10 PM as well*

Warlock: Damn.


*Harvey tries to fire Rachel but she says she’s not because she got too good a story. Rachel finds the cabin the four kids stayed at and drives for it. Shelter Mountain Inn is the place. The innkeeper (Richard Lineback) tells her to pick a card, any card*

Warlock: Your favorite, cheesy parlor tricks.

America: Lovely.


*Rachel asks if he’s seen the four kids and he continues to pick cards. The innkeeper says the tv reception sucks so there’s a lot of VHS tapes on the shelf. She picks one and chooses cabin 12 to stay in since that was the one Katie was in. The innkeeper asks if another card was the number and she says yes*

America: Was that her card?

Warlock: No.

America: Did it just to shut him up.


*Rachel goes to watch the tape*

America: Don’t do it….don’t do it….


*Rachel puts on the tape and sees the ring*

Warlock: Well this movie’s gonna be quick.

America: Awwww lady you fucked up.


*The tape is a woman combing her hair with a lot of creepy shit. Maggots, earthworms and chairs moving ont heir own. a 3 legged dogs, severed fingers, trees on fire*

Warlock: Mind if I eat?

America: Its not that grotesque.


*Rachel turns the tape off, the phone rings*

Warlock: Don’t answer it, simple.


*Rachel answers the phone and the girl says “7 days”

Warlock: 7? I only paid for one!


*Aidan makes a pb and j for school*

Warlock: The kid is more self sufficient than most kids that age.


*Aidan runs into a man in a hood, they walk past each other*

America: Who are you?


*Noah (Martin Henderson) takes Rachel’s picture. Its distorted when it comes out*

Warlock: It means she’s marked for death.


*Rachel wants to play the tape*

Warlock: Don’t get him involved.


*Noah wants to see it*

Warlock: Your funeral.

America: You idiot.


*Noah watches the ring and the tape*

Warlock: The local undertaker’s going to get some massive overtime.


*Montage of people watching tv in the complex across the street*

Warlock: What do you think we’re doing right now?

America: They’re watching tv while we are….


*Noah cuts him off and says it wasn’t really scary. The phone rings*

Warlock: Just don’t answer it.


*The ringing stops*

Warlock: See, what did I tell you?


*Noah says he wasn’t scared by the tape. Rachel asks who made the tape and where did it come from*

Warlock: Should have done that from the beginning.


*Rachel hears music coming from her phone*

Warlock: Okayyyy?


*Rachel in her office goes into the AV room to make a copy of the tape. The soundboard goes loopy*

Warlock: Good for nothing busted piece of junk.


*Rachel goes to poke at a fly on the screen*

Warlock: That fly was not Seth Brundle.


*Graphic reads Friday day 2. Noah is stunned that this is a copy. He says there’s no control track. Meaning that this movie is like being born without fingerprints*

Warlock: Its untraceable.


*Noah says he’s going to find out how it was made. They study the tape. Meanwhile Beth (Pauley Perrette) walks in. Warlock stands and shouts*



*Rachel doesn’t want Beth to see the tape so she leaves. Noah follows her and he is still skeptical. They part ways and Rachel spots a ladder. A painter (Gary Carlos Cervantes) says not to go under the ladder, its bad luck*

Warlock: Haha too late for her.


*At the mental ward, Rachel goes to visit Becca. An orderly (Joe Sabatino) walks around. The nurse (Aixa Clemente) leads Becca to a room where Rachel grills her. Becca doesn’t answer anything. Becca says Rachel is going to find out in four days*

Warlock: The anticipation’s killing me!

America: Isn’t killing me.


*Tape tech gives Rachel a bunch of crap. She wants to watch the tape but Rachel won’t let her. Rachel gets still images of the woman in the tape printed. Rachel spots a lighthouse and goes to print it but it is gone. She keeps fixating on the fly, it moves on its own. She picks up the fly and her nose starts bleeding*

Warlock: That was cool, sorta.


*Rachel hits up a library and the librarian (Ronald William Lawrence) hands her a bunch of books. She finds the lighthouse on Moesko Island. Rachel finds the woman in the video was apart of the refurbishing of the place. Anna Morgan (Shannon Cochran) is the woman’s name. She looks her up and says “Oh my god”. Apparently horses were dying at Anna’s ranch. Once she killed herself, the horses started getting better*

Warlock: Sacrificed herself to save the horses.


*Graphic reads Monday Day 5. The cashier at the liquor store (Joanna Lin Black) says he’s gonna die…from smoking. He sees his face all distorted on the security camera*

Warlock: Sooner than she thinks.


*The babysitter (Sara Rue) is asleep in front of the static tv. Rachel wakes up her, pays her off, and she leaves*

Warlock: What wonderful walk-on role.


*Rachel calls Ruth and asks if she can watch Aidan when she starts gagging. She pulls a whole necklace out of her mouth*

Warlock: That’s making me gag just watching.

America: Wallstreet was right, Watch Me is a complete ripoff.


*Rachel walks in Aidan’s room when a little girl grabs her arm. She wakes up from a bad dream but with a hand print on her arm*

Warlock: That’s Freddy Krueger’s turf!


*Aidan is nowhere to be found. Rachel finds him watching the tape. She throws it away and screams at him. Aidan asks where is she? The phone rings*

Warlock: Don’t answer it!

America: I don’t think that works.


*Noah is on the other line and he believes her now*

Warlock: Took long enough.


*Rachel tells Noah that Aidan watched the tape. He says its THEIR son*

Warlock: Nice plot twist….not.


*Graphic Tuesday day 6*

America: Running out of time.


*Aidan confronts Noah about being a deadbeat dad*

Warlock: This kids smarter than he looks.


*Aidan keeps drawing about the ring and Rachel finds them*

Warlock: Again, I’m saying they’re telepathically linked.


*Aidan finishes a drawing for Rachel. A voiceover gives the background of Anna Morgan. She ended up with Eona County Psychiatric. Rachel sends Noah there because he’s got more time than her. Rachel runs off and Noah hands her the drawing. She’s taking a ferry to the island. She reads about Anna Morgan having a daughter*

Warlock: She found another clue.


*Rachel goes to pet a horse and the horse freaks out*

Warlock: Even the horse knows she’s marked for death.


*The horse goes berserk, breaks out of its cage and runs around the ferry. It runs and jumps off the ferry into the water. It drowns*

Warlock: Good thing Neyz didn’t see that.


*The girl (Maura McNamara), her father (David Povall), the ship mate (Keith Campbell) a worker (Chuck Hicks) watch as the water turns red*

Warlock: Poor girl.


*Noah hits up the Psychiatric hospital and asks to see Anna Morgan’s records. They refuse to let him in. He breaks in and calls the male orderly a jerkoff*

Warlock: Hahaha.


*Noah asks if Anna is in there*

Warlock: Yeah, right behind you.


*Rachel makes it to the Morgan farm and she sees Anna in a window. Rachel spots someone pounding nails. Richard Morgan (Brian Cox) is looking over the farm. Rachel grills him about what happened. Richard says most of the horses went crazy and drowned themselves. Richard says he doesn’t breed anymore. Rachel spots the mirror from the tape and Richard asks what she REALLY wants. She hands him the tape and asks what this is*

Warlock: Don’t get him involved.


*Richard asks where she got it. She says she made a copy. His face goes south. Rachel asks where the daughter is, Richard says he has no daughter. He asks what she knows and cuts her off saying to leave it alone*

America: Stonewalled!


*Rachel goes to leave and realizes Aidan’s drawing is of the Morgan house*

Warlock: Freakyyyyy


*Meanwhile back at the records, Noah finds Anna’s file. She had a series of miscarriages. Meanwhile Aidan has freaked completely out as well. Rachel calls and asks Aidan how he drew the house. He says “She” told me to. The little girl shows him things. She told her the horses keep her up at night. Apparently she lives in a dark place now. Meanwhile at the mental ward Cal (Art Frankel) gives Dr. Grasnik (Jane Alexander) shit. Doc introduces herself and the boy Darby (Billy Lloyd) to Rachel. Rachel asks about the Morgan family and the doc goes silent. Darby asks if she knows the Morgan family. Doc reveals the daughter’s name is Samara (Daveigh Chase) and she was adopted. Anna started seeing things once they brought Samara home. Rachel asks if something was wrong with Samara, doc counters saying something’s wrong with Darby too. Rachel asks what happened to the Morgan’s, doc says they shipped her off to Eola and she could be still there. Doc reveals that since the girl has been gone, things have been better. Meanwhile Noah pretends to be Richard Morgan to have access to Anna Morgan’s psychiatric tape. The dude is mad because the tape is gone. Noah asks who the last person to see it and the orderly says he is. Richard Morgan*

Warlock: Oooooh isn’t this exciting?

America: No.


*Noah frantically calls Rachel but no answer. Rachel goes back to the Morgan farm and the door is open*

Warlock: He has a problem locking doors.

America: I’m guessing that’s the least of his worries.


*Rachel finds a box full of Samara’s psychiatric results. She finds her birth certificate with a centipede crawling on it*

Warlock: That centipede won best supporting actor.

America: Why?


*Rachel finds the tape Noah was looking for and watches. The doctor (Joe Chrest) asks Samara about the pictures and she says she doesn’t make them. She sees them then they are. Samara says she’s sorry people are hurt but it won’t stop. Samara says Richard is going to leave her here. He loves the horses, not Samara. Meanwhile Richard appears behind Rachel. Richard knocks Rachel down with a right cross and pulls the tv out of the plug.  Richard says her wife was never supposed have kids. He says he can hear the voices and electrocutes himself in the bathtub. Rachel screams and Noah appears behind her and calms her down. Rachel then realizes the barn is the clue*

Warlock: Another clue.


*Rachel and Noah break into the barn. There’s a big ladder in the middle of it*

Warlock: Ladder match time, Samara vs Rachel.


*Noah and Rachel climb the ladder to the loft and its Samara’s old room. Rachel figures when Anna went nuts, Richard stuck her in the barn. Noah snoops around and opens the wallpaper. They find a giant mural of a tree. Rachel says its Shelter Mountain. Graphic reads Wednesday, Day 7*

Warlock: Well if they don’t make it, Aidan can save the day.


*Noah and Rachel drive to Shelter Mountain Inn and a voiceover says the tree looks to be on fire at sunset. Noah says something led them there but Rachel says they are too late. Rachel says to help Aidan and its up to him. Rachel says its too late. Noah goes berserk and tears apart the room, knocking marbles around. The marbles all gather into one spot under the tv. They pull back the rug to expose the burned floor. Noah attacks it with an axe*

Warlock: What happened to the innkeeper?

America: Who knows?


*Noah rips up the floorboards as Rachel gets a flashlight. Its an old well covered by stone. They remove the stone and look down. It goes way far down. Meanwhile the tv in the room begins to static. Water leaks from it as the nails in the ground begin coming up. Rachel drops a rock into the well and it hits bottom 30 feet below. Noah asks if she’s down there. Noah looks up*

Warlock: Anybody got a rope?


*A swarm of flies shoots up from the well and Rachel plows into the wall, it knocks the tv into her and she falls into the well. Rachel wakes up and shouts that she’s okay. The flashlight still works*

Warlock: Wouldn’t that be toast?

America: Who knows?


*Rachel finds fingernails in the wall. Meanwhile the stone closes itself on her. Noah brings a giant firehose but it doesn’t stretch far enough and he goes flying*

Warlock: Hahahaha right out of the stooges.


*Rachel is grabbed on the arm and we cut to Samara singing next to the open well in a flashback*

Warlock: Time to explain everything.


*Anna Morgan says the ranch is beautiful and peaceful then strangles her with a trashbag, dumping her inside the well. Samata was still alive when Anna closed the lid on the well*

Warlock: Okay now it all makes sense.


*Rachel looks for Samara’s body in the well and it floats up to her*

Warlock: This can’t be right.


*Rachel strokes Samara’s head and says its okay now. Meanwhile Samara turns into a rotted corpse. Noah shouts that its past sunset and Rachel lets the body drop. Noah keeps shouting and she says she’s there. Next frame is the police on the scene. Noah says they’re going to bury Samara next week. Noah says its over, yet Rachel is still distraught*

Warlock: No that’s too easy, it can’t be over.


*Rachel tries to rationalize why Anna did that to Samara and Rachel says all Samara wanted was to be heard. She rationalizes that Aidan is the same way and she says she wants to go home. Noah hugs her close*

Warlock: Isn’t that touching?

America: ……yay….


*Noah casually asks how long you could survive down there, Rachel says 7 days. Next frame shows Aidan on the floor. Noah and Rachel pick him up, he’s only sleeping*

Warlock: I was about to say.


*Aidan wakes up to see Noah and Rachel holding hands. He smiles*

Warlock: This can’t be it. We got 18 minutes left.


*Noah says to call him unless she’s renting a movie. Rachel takes a shower and we fade to black. Aidan wakes up with Rachel holding him. They wake up together and they talk to each other. Aidan asks what happened to Samara and Rachel says she set her free. Aidan pops up and asks why she helped her. He says you weren’t supposed to help her. Aidan’s nose begins to bleed as Noah looks over the pictures. The tv nearby turns itself on. He turns it off*

America: Uh oh…..


*The tv turns itself back on and it shows the well. Rachel is calling him but Noah doesn’t pick up. The tv shows Samara climbing out of the well and heading toward the tv*

America: Goodnight.


*Rachel drives to Noah’s where he continues to watch Samara head toward him. Samara then crawls out of the tv covered in water and crawls toward him*

America: He helped set you ftee, can’t you give him a break?


*Samara looks at him and he screams. Rachel runs up the stairs after him*

America: You won’t find him breathing.


*The phone is still ringing as she sees someone in a chair. Rachel follows the blood trail and Noah is dead in the chair. She screams and runs down the stairs where Beth is waiting. Beth goes up the elevator as Rachel goes back home. She shouts at Aidan to go to his room as she burns the tape. She says “Why not me? What did I do that he didn’t?” Rachel then stops and thinks. Rachel turns around and gets the copy of the tape. We get a montage of movie events before we see Aidan and Rachel making another copy for Aidan. He asks what happens to the person they show the tape to. Rachel doesn’t answer. End credits*

Warlock: Kind of a weak ending.


*Mr. America’s assessment: I’ll say 5 out of 10. Interesting story, just slow moving and not really eventful.

The Warlock’s assessment: 6 out of 10. Wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

Final Grade:  5.5 out of 10 – Above average


*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: It had promise but it wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be. Seriously, Mr. America and I didn’t budge once. It was acted well but just didn’t deliver the scare factor. Well that…

*America cuts him off*

America: Uh…the hell is that?

*The tv turns to static and a girl in a white dress walks toward the screen. America hops out of his seat*

America: What the fuckkkkkkkk

Warlock: Relax.

*The girl crawls out of the TV and Warlock looks it in the eye. He and America burst out laughing as the girl screetches. Warlock flicks his wrist and fries the firl with a massive fireball. The flame and the girl disappears*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.


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