*The Warlock walks up to his lair. Hes wearing a black wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and an NCIS hat. He’s carrying a bag of groceries when he sees two men sneaking up on Mr. America, who’s walking around the lair. America is wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. The two guys shout and America is tackled. Warlock sets the bag down and makes a mad dash over to them. He flicks his wrist to send one guy flying against the side of the lair. He throws the other guy off of America and the guy says “Hey whats the idea?” Warlock flicks his wrist to create a fireball and America tackles him before he can throw it*
America: What the hell are you doing?
Warlock: The hell am I doing? What the hell are YOU doing? I’m saving you from these two hooligans!
America: They’re working for me.
*The 2 guys gather themselves and America pulls out two 20 dollar bills and hand one to each. The two guys run off*
Warlock: Why were they attacking you?
America: To keep me in shape!
*America walks inside as Warlock stands for a second trying to process the information*
Warlock: Wait, what?
*Warlock grabs his grocery bag, walks inside and America is already in the recliner fanning himself*
Warlock: What do you mean keep you in shape.
Ametica: It a new Hulk Hogan workout program.
Warlock:….I’m not even going to ask. Ready for the movie?
America: What are we watching?
Warlock: Tonight is Hollywood Homicide. A 2003 action feature starring Josh Harnett and Harrison Ford. Its apart of NCIS Appreciation Month.
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
America: Let me guess, NCIS character.
Warlock: You bet your bippy big guy. So let’s get started with Hollywood Homicide.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Two LAPD detectives who moonlight in other fields investigate the murder of an up-and-coming rap group”
*Movie opens with Sgt Joe Gavilan (Harrison Ford) and Detective KC Calden (Josh Hartnett) at a target range. KC can’t shoot for shit but Joe is a crack shot. Joe shoots KC’s target full of holes to help him*
*Opening credits with really bad rap song*
*Guy walks into a club*
Warlock: Looks like David Ortiz.
*David Ortiz lookalike pulls out an automatic weapon from the bathroom. An accomplice walks in as a group performs on stage. The two dudes are Z (Shawn Woods) and Joker (Anthony Mackie). K-Ro (Kurupt) runs for it. Z and Joker don masks and shoot up the rap group. K-Ro hides behind an electrical board. The club owner calls the cops*
Warlock: Wonderful, straight outta compton.
*Joe tries to sell his house but can’t. He calls KC who’s doing yoga, his ringtone is Funkytown*
*Joe and KC are on the scene. Leon (Keith David) says they’re on the case. H20Klick was murdered. KC and Joe look around for clues*
Warlock: Now they have to go search for clues.
*Joe wants a cheeseburger and KC wants a vegan sandwhich*
*They grill the club owner as KC does yoga. Eddie (Eloy Castados) looks at him stunned. KC finds bling on the ground as rookie cop (Chistopher Wiehl) screws up Joe’s order*
Warlock: Its McConnell from Playmakers.
*KC finds a diamond earring as Joe says he found a puddle of piss*
Warlock: Heh, Kurupt pissed himself.
*The club owner is Julius Armas (Master P) and Joe admits he’s a real estate broker. He wants to help Julius buy a new house*
Warlock: Hahahahahaha. Master P has a devastating hiptoss.
*Hank the bartender (Dennis Burkley) serves KC and Joe. They share bonding moments and character development. Basically if Joe can’t sell the house, he’s screwed. Meanwhile KC says he wants to quit. Joe sighs*
Warlock: Well that was a quick movie.
*Joe asks KC what he wants to be, KC says an actor*
Warlock: Yeah good luck with that.
*KC has set up a theater to showcase his talents. He asks Joe when the last time he got laid was and Joe says “none of your business”
*A hooker in heels has KC up in arms. They pull “him” in. Its Detective Wanda (Lou Diamond Philips)
Warlock: Oh my god its Lou Diamond Philips.
*Wanda says K-Ro got away from the murder scene. They should find him. They drop Wanda off as he complains about the heels killing him*
America: Good god.
*Joe outs on the stereo and throws away his mail. He dances to the music*
Warlock: What am I watching?
*Ruby (Lena Olin) hosts a radio show. Joe calls in but she’s out of time*
*Z and Joker are waiting. Leroy Walsey (Dwight Yoakam) says Mr Sartain (Isaiah Washington) thanks them for their services. Leroy kills them both and says Bennie Macko (Bruce Greenwood) would be on their side against Joe and KC. Leroy explains he’s got heat for killing the rap group. Meanwhile KC wakes up next to a hot blonde*
Warlock: Rise and shine.
*KC screams “Let go of me you sons of bitches!” He’s reading a passage for his upcoming show*
Warlock: This is stupid.
*KC pulls up to the precinct as Bennie Macko is going to open Joe’s locker. Inside is old shoes, golf clubs and assorted junk. They go nose to nose and KC is next. He has something to hide. Joe says its okay. They open the locker and find nothing but sex books*
*Macko is trying to have Joe arrested for commingling and Leon walks in and wonders what’s going on. Cleo Ricard (Lolita Davidovich) says she needs help and Joe says he never used her as an informant. Leon wants the charges dropped and Joe says to Bennie “Fuck you very much.” Later Joe admits that Bennie is after him because he made a fool of him on national television and has held a grudge. KC admits his father was killed and the case was closed with no one arrested*
Warlock: What a load of fuck.
*KC tells Joe to be safe because he thought Wanda was a hooker. Joe explains as Cleo calls. Vice is breathing down her neck and IA is breathing down his. Meanwhile KC checks on his performance schedule. Meanwhile some random criminal (Alan Davidson) gets a hold of some rookie cops gun and starts shooting everywhere*
Warlock: At some point he’s gotta run out of ammo.
*KC tackles the guy despite Joe protesting. Joe says the gun was still hot. KC says he counted 15 shots in the Berretta so he was safe. Joe says, yeah 15 shots but one still in the chamber. KC says “Oh shit”
Warlock: Didn’t he ever listen to Regulate?
America: 15 in the clip…
Warlock and America: AND ONE IN THE HOLE!
*KC and Joe read Streetcar Named Desire. Joe “Who writes this stuff?”
Warlock: Its a good play.
*Joe and KC go to see Sartain. The guard at the door wont let him pass and Joe clocks him. He wants to file charges and Joe intimidates him. They get into a studio and Silk Brown (Andre Benjamin) recognizes KC. KC banters with him as Joe goes for Sartain. Sartain says H20Klick was going to be a moneymaker. He says he didn’t get close to them because he has to cut contracts. KC shares bonding moment’s with Brown’s crew. Sartain and Joe go back and forth and Joe asks about Klepto. He says that was a bad investment. Joe says she’s fascinated by the music business. He’s looking for K-Ro and Sartain says he doesn’t know where to find them. Sartain cuts a heel promo saying most of the guys he signs are ungrateful momma’s boys. Joe thanks him, hands him a card and leaves. Sartain asks if he’s trying to sell real estate. Joe handed him the wrong card*
*2 thugs (Blake Gibbons and Jason Matthew Smith) go to rob Joe’s car and he smiles. KC says everyone is lying, they need to talk to Jerry Duran (Martin Landau). KC spots the car being stolen and Joe says its okay, its insured. KC ignores him and makes a run for it. KC fires a few rounds into the car. The two guys get out of the car amd surrender. KC goes to cuff them but one of them says they’re repo men. He hands KC the paper for proof. Joe is beside himself as KC says they’re repo men. Joe chases them away and notices KC hit one of his tires. Joe “That was a good tire!” KC tries not to laugh*
Warlock: That’s the best part of the movie so far.
*Sartain calls Leroy and tells him K-Ro is on the loose. Leroy says K-Ro will be taken care of and Sartain says do it now.*
Warlock: Now…NOW NOW NOW GOD DAMMIT!!!!
*Joe pulls up to a mansion with a donut as a tire*
*KC says hi to Shawna as Duran answers the door. Joe says someone wants to buy the place. Meanwhile KC wants him to come see him act on Friday night. Joe says he has a buyer and Duran says he’s got 72 hours to sell it. Meanwhile KC leaves behind a flyer for his performance. Joe calls Julius and tells him to be at Duran’s house in an hour. Mando (Gregg Daniel) tells him K-Ro’s real name is Oliver Robidoux, son of Olivia Robidoux (Gladys Knight). Meanwhile Coroner Chung (Clyde Kustatsu) is operating. Willie Palermo (Luis Avalos) is there too. Z and Joker are on the slabs and KC recognizes them. “Willie I think these guys shot those guys”
Warlock: They shot the pizza guy too.
*Julius is at Duran’s place and Joe says to bargain with Duran. KC says he’s got the murder suspects dead too and Joe kind of blows him off. He goes back to Julius and he says he’ll go 5.5 million. Meanwhile KC is teaching yoga*
America: The hell?
*Joe walks in on the class bending over and smiles*
Warlock: Now that’s more like it.
*Joe says he’s psychic and KC asks really? KC says he makes 800 a day and Joe says its a racket. KC says they’re real people with feelings. A bunch of girls thank him and Joe laughs at him. KC says he got into it for the sex but now he’s really into it*
Warlock: That is pretty foolproof.
*KC “Deep” Joe “and Shallow” KC “Deep and Shallow”
*Cleo and Joe meet up. Joe is being secretly photographed. He wants her girl as a witness. Meanwhile Bennie’s people Jackson (Meredith Scott Lynn) and Zino (Tom Todoroff) are trying to help him put Joe away*
America: Something is afoot.
*KC has hottub sex with a hot chick (Ragan Wallake)
Warlock: This just got better.
*Someone busts into Joe’s apartment. Its Ruby. They’re lovers. She blindfolds him and pulls his pants off*
Warlock: We still got another hour of this.
*They get it on*
America: I think he’ll be okay with this.
Warlock: He got the doughnut anyway.
*Joe reads the paper how he’s under investigation and there are no leads on H20Klick. He talks with Ruby about the case. Joe says its their 3 week anniversary*
Warlock: A whole 3 weeks?
*Its revealed she is Bennie Macko’s wife. Joe freaks out*
Warlock: Ohhhhh shittttttt
America: Oh ho ho he’s in trouble now.
*Duran calls and wants to see him, Ruby says its the perfect time. Joe asks what she saw in Bennie and she says she has a weakness for cops. Joe tells her to lock up as they leave. Ruby leaves and Jackson spies on her*
Warlock: I think the shit is gonna hit the fan.
*Marty Wheeler (Frank Sinatra Jr) is the lawyer for both Julius and Duran. They lowballed each other and Duran calls off the deal. Joe is pissed. Meanwhile Joe and KC are after K-Ro and knock on Olivia’s door. She answers*
Warlock: Its Gladys Knight
America: Whatever you say.
*KC spots K-Ro and chases him on foot. A really bad Ludacris song plays as K-Ro tries to paddle a boat away in a canal but falls in the water. He tries to swim to safety and KC chases him more. K-Ro says he’s knee deep in duck shit*
Warlock: This is the worst chase scene I’ve ever seen.
*K-Ro continues to swim around in the canal trying to get away as Joe casually sings My Girl*
*Joe trips K-Ro and they cuff him. KC taunts him that he didn’t get wet. K-Ro says LAPD stands for Lame Ass Punk Dickheads*
*Joe brings K-Ro to “Harbor Division” which is the end of a pier. All of a sudden a truck of assassins pull up and try to kill them all. Everyone is okay. Joe “Somebody doesn’t like you. You’re no fun to be around!” Joe tries to tell Olivia that they’re going to book him for his safety. Olivia says Sartain signed Klepto and H20Klick out of high school. Klepto found out Sartain was fucking him out of money, so he went solo. Sartain had him killed. The same thing happened to H20Klick. Back at the station, Mando says Leroy Wasley is backing Sartain. Wasley is revealed to be KC’s father’s old partner. Wasley was rumored to have been behind the father’s murder but the case was dropped due to a lack of evidence. KC cries and says he wants to kill Wasley. Joe says to take it easy. Joe discovers Bennie Macko was one of the officers on the scene when the father was killed. Joe says there is connection between Macko, Wasley and Sartain*
Warlock: Finally getting some plot here.
America: I’m just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.
*KC at the firing range still can’t shoot for shit*
Warlock: Perfect for the A-Team.
*Joe goes home and calls out for Ruby. She’s on the floor surrounded by pillows. They go into their roleplay. Meanwhile Bennie’s boys hand him the photos of Ruby at Joe’s and Bennie freaks*
Warlock: Uh oh….
*Joe and Ruby get it on. Next morning the whole police force shows up to arrest him. Joe acts suave to piss of Bennie. KC is arrested too. He and Joe have a montage where they dick around Bennie’s crew*
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Julius, Cleo and Ruby call Joe during Zino’s interrogation. KC gives Jackson a massage while Joe continues to field phone calls*
*Leon confronts KC and Joe outside*
America: That was entertaining.
*Cleo meets with Joe. She squealed on him about having relationships with the hookers. KC too. Cleo drives off and Joe kicks her car*
Warlock: Bahahaha kick it!
*Joe says he’s got an idea to find Sartain. He calls up Ruby. She does yoga*
America: Yes really.
*Joe slowly facepalms*
*Ruby says there’s a house on Sunset Plaza but no one is there. They must move quickly. KC believes her but Joe is skeptical. They pull up to Beverly Hills. Joe is mad because she’s shopping and KC says to go with it. Joe spots the black SUV with Sartain, Wasley and the guard from earlier in it. Joe runs after KC and jumps in his car. They chase after the SUV as Wasley says they don’t need a speeding ticket*
Warlock: That’s the least of his worries.
*The guard’s name is Danny (James MacDonald) and he jumps out and quits. Sartain takes the wheel and drives off. It becomes a national news chase*
Warlock: OJ part 2.
*Ruby calls Joe and she tells him to take care*
*Wasley says Sartain has committed 3 felonies because the cruisers are chasing them. Joe gets another call from Duran saying he’ll take 6.9 from Julius*
Warlock: A chase scene and a real estate deal going down.
*3 helicopters are on the scene*
*Joe calls Julius and says the deal is back on. Meanwhile a cruiser flips over*
*Robert Wagner (himself) and Johnny Grant (himself) are getting ready to accept an award when the chase scene blows right by them. Joe makes KC pull over and yells at him, says he’s driving now. Joe takes the wheel and takes off after Sartain. They plow right into each other. Sartain and Wasley get out and start shooting. KC takes off after Wasley and Joe goes for Sartain. Wasley says excuse me to everyone he runs past*
America: Politest bad guy ever.
*KC jumps and lands on a trinket cart inside a mall and says that was not the way he planned it*
*Wasley makes his way for another SUV and he hijacks it, KC steals a car with a wife and kids in the car and take off. Meanwhile Joe goes for someone’s car but the dude gets out and shoves him. A girl on a bike pedals by and Joe takes it from her and yells “Ahhhhhhh” to scare her away*
*Joe takes off on the bicycle until a cab driver opens the door and unintentionally wipes him out. Meanwhile KC tells a story to calm the wife and kids*
America: This is getting entertaining.
*Joe commandeers the cab and the driver goes with him. Wasley stops and gets out, Kc stops and follows him. Meanwhile Joe tips the driver as he leaves. He makes it down the subway and finds Sartain in one of the cars. Sartain opens fire but misses. Joe chases him back onto the street. Julius randomly walks out and Joe runs by him saying 6.75 won’t work*
*Sartain makes it to the elevator and Joe takes the next one. He calls Jerry and Jerry says its a deal. Joe thanks him and hangs up*
Warlock: This movie just made a comeback.
*Sartain opens fire again but can’t hit anything. Joe nearly tags him*
Warlock: The back of the suit ripped.
America: Good eye.
*Some guy on the phone nonchalantly points to where Sartain ran, Joe chases after him. Meanwhile Wasley clotheslines KC. KC starts begging for his life and Wasley is aggrivated. He claims his father was a good cop and never begged. KC springs to life and disarms Wasley, shooting him in the arms and legs. KC says he deserves a Golden Globe. He also recorded Wasley admitting he killed his father*
*Sartain has dropped his gun as he makes it to the roof of Broadway with all the helicopters around. Its chaos in the air*
America: Its entertaining. The pilots don’t have the authority to refuse ATC if the police says so.
*Sartain and Joe brawl on the roof. Joe tackles him onto an air vent*
America: At least they can cool off.
*2 uniformed cops make it to the roof and the fight continues. Joe gets the upperhand but swings and misses*
Warlock: Struck him out.
America: Even if he gets away, he’s screwed.
*Joe picks up Sartain and backdrops him 100 feet below into a dumpster*
America: Just taking out the trash.
Warlock: The winner of the Royal Rumble, Joe Gavilan!
*Joe tells the 2 cops to leave Sartain for the coroner. Meanwhile KC shows up and says Wasley is in custody. Joe “Good thing you didn’t kill him”. Bennie shows up and Leon has him cuffed. Commander Preston (Alan Dale) shakes Leon’s hand. Warlock stands and shouts*
Warlock: NCIS DIRECTOR TOM MORROW IN THE HOUSEEEE!!!!
*Duran watches the performance of KC with Ruby, Joe and some other cops in atendance. Duran also reads the script for “Nasty” Silk Brown sent in. KC gets a phone call in the middle of the performance. Joe gets a call too. They’re both called to a case. Meanwhile KC takes a bow and everyone cheers*
*The credits roll as KC and Joe respond to a call. They banter back and forth with My Girl playing over the credits*
Warlock: That was funny.
Mr. America’s assessment: I give it a 6. They weren’t keeping a good balance between the comedy and seriousness but they just went straight comedy in the second half.
The Warlock’s assessment: 6.5, one of the greatest comebacks in movie history. It was heading toward a 4 halfway through but the last half was hilarious.
Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was a great comeback. The movie was headed into the toilet but skyrocketed toward the shower head. I put in my vote for one of the greatest comebacks in movie history. Well that…wait…what the hell are you doing?
*Mr. America puts a cd into the nearby player. My girl starts*
Warlock: *sings* I got sunshineeeeee…on a cloudy dayyyyyyy.
America: *sings* When its cold outsideeeee….I got the month of Mayyyy.
Warlock: *sings* I guess….you say…what can make me feel this way
America: My girl
Warlock: Talkin bout…my girllllllll
America: My girl.
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.