*The Warlock runs around the lair outside. He’s wearing a black NCIS t-shirt with blue jean shorts, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. The Ultimate Warrior theme is blaring as he runs around. Neyzor Blades walks out wearing a black and white striped dress*
Neyz: What the hell are you doing, get in here?
*Warlock runs up the stairs and sprints into the lair, running around the viewing room in a circle. Neyz shuts the stereo off and Warlock stops suddenly*
Neyz: Cut that out will ya?
Warlock: What? What I do?
Neyz: Driving me crazy, anyway what are we watching today.
*Neyz sits in the recliner and Warlock takes his spot in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Tonight’s epic tale is Meet Wally Sparks. A 1997 comedy starring Rodney Dangerfield and David Ogden Steirs.
Neyz: MAJOR WINCHESTER!!
Warlock: So let’s get to it. Meet Wally Sparks.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Wally Sparks is a tabloid TV show reporter who’s trying to boost ratings on his show. He goes to the governor’s mansion to uncover a sex scandal.”
Neyz: This oughta be rich.
Warlock: TMZ 20 years ago
*Movie opens with montage of radio and tv censorship. Wally Sparks (Rodney Dangerfield) is at the center of it*
*Sally Jesse Raphael, Geraldo Rivera, and Jerry Springer (themselves) are shown. Wally Sparks has a nude woman on his show*
Warlock: This is automatically not the worst movie of all time.
*Sir Mix a Lot (himself) introduces Wally*
Warlock: BABY GOT BACK!
*Wally cracks jokes in a big montage*
Warlock: Lot of legitimate talk show hosts here.
*Mr. Harry Karp (Gilbert Gottfried) is holding a dog*
Neyz: Its a babiessss
*Harry makes a great joke*
*Tim Allen and Morton Downey Jr (themselves) are asked about Wally Sparks as Sandy Gallo (Debi Mazar) is in the control booth freaking out*
Warlock: Gotta love the cameos huh?
*Roseanne Barr (herself) calls Wally a pain in the ass. Morton calls him a hasbeen. Tim Allen calls him obnoxious*
Neyz: Hahaha fuckin Roseanne.
*Wally says he’s going to teach married men how to look at asses without their wife noticing*
Warlock: I’m the master of that.
*Governor Floyd Preston (David Ogden Stiers) says the show is immoral. Wally insults him back and cracks jokes. Preston and his assistant are pissed*
Neyz: Oh my god why is Major Winchester so fat?
Warlock: He ate Hawkeye, I don’t know.
*He says Wally should be banned from the western hemisphere. Meanwhile Floyd’s daughter Priscilla (Lisa Thornhill) calls up. She kisses his ass and he calls her baby doll*
Warlock: That’s gross.
*Mrs Emily Preston (Cindy Williams) serves tea for Floyd. She says the “polls” are such lovely people. Floyd gives her a priceless look*
Warlock: Hey look its Shirley.
*Emily gets her dress caught in the door. She tears it off and runs upstairs*
Warlock: Hahaha that’s awesome.
*Floyd catches his son Robby (Glenn Walker Harris Jr) watching Wally Sparks and is outraged. He grounds him and walks off. Robby’s friend (Ryan Tomlinson) says Flooyd is pissed. Robby says he’s invited someone special to Floyd’s party*
Warlock: This ought to be good.
*Sandy is with Joey (Lenny Clarke) in the booth*
Warlock: Lenny in a Yankees hat? Say it ain’t so!
*Joey says it was a great show. Meanwhile Wally’s son Dean (Michael Weatherly) runs up to him. Warlock stands and shouts*
Warlock: NCIS SPECIAL AGENT ANTHONY DINOZZO IN THE HOUSEEEEEE!
Neyz: Oh god really? He doesn’t look like himself, I don’t like it.
*Dean says his band is playing and wants Wally to come see him. Wally says he wouldn’t miss it for the world*
Warlock: 5 bucks he misses it.
*Dean walks off and Sandy says he’s in trouble*
Neyz: She looks like a barbie doll.
*Alan Miller (Eamonn Roche) admonishes Wally for his broadcast. He says Mr. Spencer (Burt Reynolds) want to see Wally in his office. He says Wally’s losing sponsors left and right. Miller repeats what Spencer says and Wally asks if there’s an echo*
*Sandy talks in a New York accent to put Wally over and Miller kisses Spencer’s ass. Spencer tells him to shut up. Spencer asks him to go in the corner, face the wall and count to 200*
Neyz and Warlock: Hahahaha
*Sandy says Spencer owes him since they go back a long way. He says he wants a cleaner show within a week. Miller protests and Spencer shuts him up*
*Wallyd throws darts at a picture of Miller as Joey watches a Ron Jeremy (himself) video. Sandy walks in and says its a Joey video. Sandy gives them a pep talk and says porno stars are no longer allowed*
Warlock: Oh look…
*Robby and Floyd argue*
Neyz: When I was in the Korean War!
Warlock: He always has been posh….DIG BOYS, DIG! MINE BOYS, MINE!
Neyz: Wrong movie.
*Floyd does a campaign ad and Floyd smacks Robby after*
Warlock: He wishes he could have done that to Klinger.
*Sandy signals a cab but the driver Tony (Tony Danza) blows her off to pick up Wally. She follows in the cab. He and Tony share bad jokes. Tony and Sandy give him a pep talk*
Warlock: What’s he asking him for?
*Wally exits the cab and goes to the Preston party. Sandy and Wally hit up the party and Wally is in a ridiculous suit with a black bow-tie*
Neyz: I like the black bow-tie.
*Wally asks Sandy what the plan is. She says to ask Floyd to come on the show. Wally says he’ll be at the bar investigating Jack Daniels*
Warlock: Good one.
*Wally hits the bar and the bartender (George Wallace) recognizes him. Lola Larue (Cindy Ambuehl) blows Wally off. She claims she’s an actress and Wally says he’ll keep his tie on. Meanwhile Floyd gladhands Judge Randel Williams (Alan Rachins). He wants Floyd’s support for a new theme park. Floyd says he’ll talk business later. Wally tells a bad joke to drivet them away. Sandy bumps into Harvey Bishop (Mark L Taylor) and rubs his crotch because she spilled a drink on it. He introduces himself*
Neyz: I’m so lost.
*Judge Randall complains about Wally to Floyd. He walks up to the Canadian ambassador (Edmund L Shaff) and his wife (Kay Gerhard). He tells another bad joke and asks if they do it doggy style so they can both watch the hockey game. Wally spots a heavyset woman and rubs his back on her. Floyd sees it and his facial expression is priceless*
Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahahaa
*Floyd sends for Harvey who spots Wally. They go over what to do. Meanwhile Lola asks Floyd to dance. Robby was the one who invited Wally. Wally sits next to two anatomically correct statues and breaks the dick off the male while talking to the female. Meanwhile Wally has put the broken dick in his pants*
Warlock: That’s hilarious.
*Wally invites Floyd to appear on his show. Lola barges in and asks for a dance. Wally pulls Emily on the dance floor as Sandy distracts Harvey*
Warlock: Hahahahaha sex on the beach? Sex on the streets.
*Wally dances with Emily with the broken dick still in his pants*
Neyz: This is such a sexual movie.
*Wally and Emily dance funny as Floyd and Lola reveals they had seen each other. Wally “Now that wasn’t so hard was it?”
Neyz: Funny ha ha
*Wally puts the broken dick on the dinner tray and Michael Bolton (himself) introduces himself to Floyd. He spots Wally and they exchange hugs like long lost friends. Michael dedicates the song to Wally Sparks*
Warlock: I don’t want to hear him sing.
*Michael croons “Georgia On My Mind” as Wally blows his knows. Sandy drops the camcorder in the punch bowl*
Neyz: What did she just drop?
Warlock: The camcorder.
*Later on, Wally and Sandy try to watch the tape but they unknowingly hit the tv screen in the main room. Wally puts on the Ron Jeremy sex tape and the entire party watches it. Floyd is mortified. The blackmail tape shows Judge Randal calling his wife fat which causes her to slap him. Then the rewind button gets stuck and it shows Wally assraping Floyd again and again*
Warlock: He’s gay in real life, he probably loved that.
*Wally drops by Floyd’s horse stable and he talks to him. He pours a bottle of booze for the horse to drink*
Neyz and Warlock: Awwwwww
Neyz: Its probably sugar water.
Warlock: In real life.
*A drunk Wally has ridden the horse into the party, causing havoc. Wally grabs the confederate flag and waves it around. The horse see’s the bartender’s vest and runs for it. He stops just short of the bar and Wally flies out the window. Floyd “I really hate that man”. Hard Copy says “Talk show host Wally Sparks heroically restrained a maniacal horse”
Warlock: Hahahaha that’s awesome.
*The horse is suffering from a severe hangover. Stuttering John (himself) reports in. Meanwhile Wally and Sandy wake up in Floyd’s house. The media is calling Wally a hero*
Neyz: That’s hilarious.
*Robby spies on Wally taking a shower and barges in. Robby puts on Wally’s jacket and cracks a joke. Robby says Floyd hates him so he invited him to piss him off. Wally says he’s alright.Meanwhile Spencer slaps his assistant. Bob Saget (himself)is reporting live from the proposed Civil War theme park. Harvey says Wally will be broadcasting from Floyd’s mansion and Floyd is upset. Meanwhile Robby leads the charge of the camera crew getting ready to film. Two sumo wrestlers (Randy Kiyabo and Big Nate Kanae) hit up the catering spread as Floyd is flustered. Sir Mix a Lot introduces Wally Sparks*
Warlock: BABY GOT BACK!
*Two sumo wrestlers are interviewed. Two American wrestlers (Nils Allen Stewart and Scott L Schwartz) come in and talk trash*
Warlock: Hey its Bo Abobo and Bruiser
*Graphic: Combined IQ of American Wrestlers is 26*
Warlock: Hey that’s no fair.
*The sumo’s and the Americans insult each other. They get ready to rumble and they wrestle. The sumo angleslams one through a table. The other irish whips Floyd away. One of the Americans grabs Harvey and slings him around. Mr. Spencer watches unamused. Meanwhile Dean has showed back up looking for Wally*
Neyz: What does DiNozzo want now?
*Emily leads Dean into the living room where a pier six brawl has wrecked the place. Sumo and Pro wrestlers beating up everyone. Floyd crawls across the floor for refuge. Wally is in the wheelchair and Dean tries to hold a real conversation with Wally. One of the pro’s has Floyd in a head scissors and Wally nonchalantly introduces Dean much to Floyd’s dismay*
Neyz: Is he between someone’s legs?
Warlock: Yes, makes it even funnier.
*Next day on Talk Soup, John Henson (himself) reports about the Wally Sparks show. Jay Leno (himself) makes bad jokes about it*
Neyz: Are you kidding?
*Sandy tries to explain to Spencer as Spencer is having the Wally Sparks set destroyed. Sandy bullshits him and Spencer starts getting on board with it. Sandy seduces Harvey as Spencer looks at the destroyed set “Ohhhh shit”
Warlock: My sentiments exactly.
*Priscilla Preston gets in the bed with Dean. They scream and she whacks him in the face with a pillow. She runs to her father’s bedroom to complain but Wally’s in the bed and she screams some more*
*Priscilla tries to talk Floyd into throwing him out. Meanwhile Miller drives to Floyd’s house. Priscilla runs around the house with all sorts of commotion. Floyd introduces himself to Priscilla and she tries to blow him off but Dean runs out of the shower and they start some g rated flirting*
Warlock: I see where this is going.
*Dean has to take the Preston dog for a walk and Priscilla will join him. Dean “Wow”
Warlock: He gets the girl in every single thing he’s ever done.
*Miller spies on everyone.He hits reverse on his car while he goes to take pictures. He gets caught in the sunroof and goes barreling down backwards in his runaway car*
Neyz: That’s what he gets.
*The car goes crashing into the water, Miller pops up with binoculars*
*Dean runs into Wally who’s doing jumping jacks. He’s mad that Wally faked an injury. Dean’s mad that Wally is never around for him. Miller walks toward the Floyd house and a truck sprays him with dirt and dust. Meanwhile Sandy tells Wally to get in bed. Wally “If 4 days go by and I don’t have sex, I’d be in critical condition” Wally makes another bad joke*
*Wally uses the phonebook and calls a fantasy service. Emily lets in the hooker nurse (Leslie-Ann Down) in and is cordial. The nurse says her service was paid in advance and Emily says “They’re going to operate!”
Neyz and Warlock: Hahaha
*Harvey tries to convince Floyd to do a one on one with Wally but Floyd is indignant. Wally makes jokes to the hooker. Meanwhile Floyd gets hate mail and starts panicking. Emily says she’ll get the nurse*
Warlock: *rubs hands* This is gonna be sweet.
*Emily leads the nurse into Floyd’s office. The nurse opens her top, Floyd “GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! NEVER IN MY LIFE*
*Nurse tells Emily he just wasn’t up to it. Meanwhile Dean and Priscilla play with the dog. They share bonding moments. Meanwhile Wally does skeet shooting with Robby and nearly blows Miller away. Miller falls and the camera breaks. Wally shares bonding moments with Robby and laments not spending time with Dean since Floyd never spends time with Robby*
Warlock: Actually important dialogue, I’m stunned.
*Emily introduces Wally to Agnes Farber (Janice Hart) and the fat lady, now known as Hellen Williams (Rita McKenzie), Judge Randal’s wife. Wally joins them for a bridge game. They banter back and forth. Wally’s favorite bird is the swallow. They say they’re drinking Iced Tea. Wally says “How about Long Island iced tea?” Next frame is all the girls stripped down smoking cigars and laughing*
Warlock: Hahaha oh god.
*Wally continues making dick jokes to crack the ladies up. Emily calls him a naughty boy, so he goes and plays the piano. He plays Old Time Rock N Roll and the ladies recreate the scene from Risky Business*
Warlock: Oh jesus.
*Wally plays Whole Lotta Shakin Goin On by Jerry Lee Lewis. Floyd, Judge Randal and the Cardinal (Lewis Arquette) make their way inside*
Neyz: Awww what’s with the arch-bishop?
*Wally is wearing someone’s hose on his head as the trio walks in on the dance party. Floyd “Emily, what in the name of Sam’s Hill come over you?” Floyd confronts Wally one on one later. He says Egypt (the dog) is a dangerous animal. Wally says Egypt is called Egypt because he leaves pyramids in every room. Floyd wants him out and Wally wants him on the show*
Neyz: Thrice daily swill!
*Wally brings up Robby and Floyd gets mad. He says Dean is taking Priscilla out on a date and he wants her in bed by twelve. Wally “I know Dean, he’ll have her in bed by ten!” Floyd initially nods his head but then figures out what Wally means and his facial expression is priceless*
Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha
*Floyd “I hate that man!” Robby runs in the room and brings Miller’s wallet that Egypt found. Robby says he and Egypt will stand guard for him.Next frame is Miller trying to scale the wall, Dirty Dozen style. He throws the hook over the wall onto Priscilla’s car. She drives off with Dean and they drag Miller who falls on a lounge chair. He crashes in a tire swing. Meanwhile Joey shows up out of nowhere and tells Wally to come out. A squirrel runs up Wally’s leg. “Go find your own nuts will ya?”
Neyz: Awww its a babies.
*Wally and Joey sneak around as Harvey and Floyd banter. Floyd says he’s innocent of sleeping with a stripper. Then photos of her with a stripper show up and he claims he never did that. Harvey says he doesn’t believe him but says he does to make Floyd happy. Next frame is the local bar where Dean is singing Fire by Jimi Hendrix*
Neyz: That’s not him singing.
Warlock: It would be funnier if it was.
*Joey and Wally watches Dean perform. Dean brings Priscilla on stage and kisses her. Wally can’t believe Floyd slept with a stripper. Joey asks what position was he in. Next frame Miller sets a ladder up in Wally’s room, he gets in and snoops around. Miller buzzes for Floyd and Egypt attacks. Miller goes to leave out the window but Egypt grabs him by the tie*
Warlock: HE’S GOT HIM BY HIS TONGUE!!!!
Neyz: That’s his tie!
*Robby runs in the room and Miller says to pull him in. Robby snaps his finger and Egypt lets him go, crashing to the ground below. Miller “Bad…doggie..”
*Robby hides Egypt under the blankets as Floyd barges in. Robby disguises his voice as Wally to fool Floyd into leaving*
Neyz: Its an English mastiff.
*Dean and Priscilla come home making out. Floyd walks in on them. Dean leaves and Floyd protests the relationship. Floyd says he’s using her to get to him and she is mad saying how stupid of her to think anyone was interested in her. Floyd tries to apologize but she storms off. Joey brings Wally back and he has to sneak back in the house. Sandy seduces Harvey with strawberries*
Warlock: That’s hilarious.
*Wally sneaks around the house and sees Sandy tied up with Harvey. He makes it in a window as Emily gets up to use the restroom. Wally still has a hat and fake beard on and he looks like Floyd’s great grandfather who’s painting is behind the bed. Wally pretends to be the great grandfather. He asks if he slept with the stripper and Floyd says no. Wally says to go on the Wally Sparks show and say the pledge of allegiance*
*Floyd’s family is having lunch and Harvey shows a newspaper article that Floyd will be on the show. Floyd runs into the bathroom and shouts at him that he’ll do it but Wally will be finished after. Floyd banters with Judge Randal and he tells him to back out of the race. Meanwhile Harvey, Sandy and Wally talk about the photo and what to do. Wally says to get the stripper on the show. Harvey says no, Sandy tries to seduce him again. Wally says he’s seen the stripper before and Miller rushes in. Wally laughs at him and Miller says congrats and Miller fools him into walking. Dean and Priscilla walk in and Miller says they’ve been had. Priscilla storms off and Dean is mad, follows her. Miller says he’s going to squeal to Spencer when Joey rushes in and says “I don’t think so” Miller goes for the window but Robby cuts him off. Joey, Wally and Robby tie him up as Sandy gets the stripper on the horn. She wants to meet with Wally alone. Its Lola*
Neyz: Oh yeah, I remember her.
*Lola meets Wally at the stable. Lola says he was set up and posed for the pictures. Lola says Floyd is innocent and she wants to clear his name that night on the show. That night Wally is in the wheelchairand he brings Floyd on*
Neyz: *hums the piccolo theme*
*Dean tries to make up with Priscilla meanwhile Miller rushes in all tied to the headboard and Joey throws him out the window. Wally says its one of Floyd’s opponents trying to frame him. Wally cuts a promo saying Floyd is the good guy, but then he shows the picture of Lola and Floyd and says Lola will now tell her side of the story. Harvey faints and Lola walks in. Lola does a 180 and says he raped her. Emily storms out and Wally is pissed. He interrogates her but she nails every question he asks. Wally cuts and Spencer yells that he’s stupid. Robby rips his headset off and throws it at Wally as Randal smirks*
Warlock: 16 minutes left, this can’t be the ending.
*Floyd and Wally go one on one and Floyd yells at him. Floyd says he won’t go back on. Harvey has no idea what to do and starts crying. Randal walks in and Floyd says he’s ruined. Randal says its Wally’s fault. He says he’ll have him hung. Sandy walks in and says 60 seconds to showtime. Wally asks Floyd what its gonna be and Robby runs in. Floyd says “I’m done.” Wally and Sandy leave as Robby walks in. Sappy music plays as Robby says its all his fault, he invited Wally because he wanted Floyd to stop being Governor and start being dad again. Floyd puts him over as a fine young man and says he’s the most important thing to him. They hug*
*Wally starts the show by getting out of his wheelchair and admitting he wasn’t hurt. Dean stares a hole in him. Wally then exposes Lola by saying he’s found her acting debut. He puts on the Ron Jeremy sex tape and sure enough, SHE’S the woman on the tape. Joey laughs as he’s the one who remembered. Dean is shocked. Wally “But wait folks, there’s more!”
Warlock: Oh there’s more!
*Sandy was secretly filming Lola confessing that Floyd was set up and innocent. Floyd’s family and Harvey celebrate. Wally “But wait, there’s even more!”
Neyz: Those bug eyes are scary!
*Wally talks to a statue head of Casear and says they followed her into the woods where she met with the guy behind it all….Judge Randal. They make out in the tape as Robby and Floyd are angry. Wally “Looks like the judge was banging more than his gavel!”
Warlock: Corny but I like it.
*Lola does a 180 and reveals the evil plot. Randal knew that with Floyd against the Civil War theme park, he had to get him out of the way in order for it to open. He bought the surrounding land and was supposed to share the fortune with her. He throws her on the ground, grabs a sword off the wall and chases everyone away. Wally “Everybody head for the hills!”
*Randal flails about with the sword, nearly taking out Dean and backing Wally against the fireplace. He almost nails Joey in the balls but Wally pulls out a red hot poker to fence with*
Warlock: Mr. America would have loved to have seen that, another red hot poker.
*Randal chases Wally up the stairs and tosses a vase at Joey and Dean,sending them flying. Meanwhile Lola pulls a gun and takes Priscilla hostage. She piefaces Emily away and says nobody try to stop her. Floyd steps in and she turns to shoot him but Emily pulls Priscilla out and knocks out Lola with a right cross*
Warlock: Way to go Shirley!
*Wally continues to crack one joke after another while fencing as the mad scramble for the gun Lola drop commences*
Warlock: This a footrace to the fumble!
*The gun starts firing, scattering everyone. Joey bellyflops onto Harvey*
Warlock: And that’s when Lenny was fat, yeeooouch!
*Randal knocks the poker from Wally’s hand as Lola grabs the gun. Robby picks it up and takes out the ball at the end of the staircase so Wally can slide down into Dean and Joey’s arms. Wally to Dean “Now you can’t say we never played catch”*
Warlock: Great work Robby!
*Randal slides down the banister and Wally throws the wheelchair in the way, Randal lands on it and runs into Lola, launching them out of the house. Floyd shuts the door “Case closed!”
Warlock: Haha yes!
*Dean and Wally hug. Harvey and Sandy hug. Spencer smokes a cigar and says Wally is a genius. He calls for Miller but Miller is tied up to the balcony. The squirrel runs up his leg*
Neyz: Awwww its a babies
*Next frame is Dean marrying Priscilla. Floyd makes a toast to the bride and groom. Wally makes a toast to now Senator Preston. Harvey cracks everyone up by saying you’ll see Judge Randal in 10-20 years. Wally says he’ll come out feeling like a new woman. The movie ends with a tango featuring Wally and Emily along with Dean and Priscilla*
Warlock: Ha, look at DiNozzo’s face!
*During the credits Morton Downey Jr brings on Miller and the squirrel as Miller feeds it cheerios. Downey “What a nice couple I’d say*
Neyzor Blades’ Assessment: Its overrrrrrr….I’ll give it a 6.
The Warlock’s Assessment: The jokes got repetitve but the movie was mindless fun. I give it a 7 out of 10.
Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very good
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was a fun…fun movie. A lot of dick jokes but that’s Rodney Dangefield’s style. The movie isn’t supposed to be considered Citizem Kane so you can’t really treat is as such. If you want to have an hour and 45 minutes where you can relax and have fun, this movie is for you. That wraps up another goodtastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.