*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a black t-shirt that says NCIS on it, vest and cowboy hat. He’s holding a shot glass of pepsi*
Warlock: Fuckin howdy partners. Mosey on in to the lair….if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*The Warlock quickdraws a pistol and it flies out of his hand into the yard. He shakes his head and walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight we continue NCIS Appreciation Month with Crossfire Trail. A western starring Tom Selleck as a rancher who must defend the ranch and the woman running it from evil gunfighters.
*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*
Neyz: Why are you dressed like an idiot and watching a western if this is NCIS Appreciation Month?
Warlock: Mark Harmon is in it.
Neyz: That’s why we’re watching this?
Warlock: Oh yeah.
*Neyz facepalms as Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get on with it then. Crossfire Trail.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Rafe Covington promises a dying friend that he’ll watch over the man’s wife and ranch after he’s gone. When Rafe gets to his friend’s ranch, he finds that Barkow, the local power in town, wants not only the ranch but the woman, too, and hires a gang of gunfighters to make sure he gets both.”
Neyz: Somebody must not have slapped him as a kid.
Warlock: Mark Harmon turns heel? Say it ain’t so.
*Opening credits and graphic saying Off The California Coast -1880*
Warlock: 2 years before Dust.
*Large ship Medusa sails*
Neyz: 3 masted schooner?
*Charles Rodney (Michael O’Shea) calls out to Rafe (Tom Selleck). He says to take care of his wife and ranch. He’s on death’s door*
Neyz: We got guys droppin dead already.
*Guy asks Rafe who said the proverb about not fearing death. Rafe “Someone who’s not dying”
Warlock and Neyz: Hahaha
*Rafe kicks open the door to the Captain’s quarters. Captain Gorgan (Mark Acheson) tells him he needs permission to open the door. Rafe beats the piss out of the Captain for Rodney*
Neyz: Right in the schnozz!
Warlock: Now that’s a mutiny.
*Rafe knocks Gorgan out and takes his gun. He opens the safe with it and takes a bunch of money out. 2 guys say they’re with him as they head to port*
Warlock: Better not get hung fellas.
*The two guys and Rafe ride through the country side*
Warlock: Look at the scenery.
*Rafe kills a buffalo and then says they’ll be extinct in 10 years*
Warlock: Took a little longer but yeah, good call….assholes.
*Around the campfire, one of the guys is introduced as J.T. Langston (Christian Kane). The other guy with an Irish accent is Rock Mullaney (David O’Hara). He tells a joke*
Warlock: Spit it out! Spit it out!
*JT says he gonna stick with Rafe, Rock says he’s headed to Montana. The next morning they go their separate ways*
Warlock: Why do I have the feeling we’ll see him again?
*Rafe claims Charlie bought the 40 acre land from Chief Red Cloud (James Nicholas). Rafe rides up to the ranch and wonders why the place has gone to shit. JT says Mrs. Rodney (Virginia Madsen) isn’t much of a housekeeper*
Neyz: Neither are you.
*Rafe rides into town, hits up Thompson’s General store and someone is playing Moonlight Sonata on the piano*
Warlock: I like the soundtrack.
*Rafe buys supplies from Melissa (Joanna Miles) and Gene (Ken Pogue). A custom made gun is there with the initials C.R. on it. Rafe says its worth 32 dollars and realizes it was for Charles*
Warlock: That all?
*Rafe spots Ann Rodney playing the piano and says hello. She at first blows him off. He says he can read, write and listen to music. He introduces himself but is stunned when Ann says her husband has been dead for a year. He asks Gene where to get a drink and Gene says the saloon across the street known as The National. Rafe leaves and Melissa calls him interesting*
Neyz: Verrrrrry interesting.
*Dewey (William Sanderson) the bartender tells Rafe he’s got whiskey,whiskey and whiskey. He takes a shot and says “To Charles Rodney” the entire bar turns and looks at him*
Neyz: Ruh roh!
*Bruce Barkow (Mark Harmon) stands and raises his glass “May he rest in peace”. Warlock stands*
Warlock: SPECIAL AGENT LEROY JETHRO GIBBS IN THE HOUSEEEEEE!
*Joe Gill (Wilford Brimley) toasts as well*
Warlock: Beetus beetus, diabeetus.
Neyz: Cut that out.
*Sheriff Walter Moncrief (Barry Corbin) introduces himself to Rafe. The sheriff says the Sioux rode off with him and some mean looking sonovagun says he was there. Raef leaves and Joe Gill follows him*
Warlock: Something is afoot.
*The postman/barber/undertaker Wylie gives Rafe a shave. Joe says he worked for Charles*
Neyz: Now he’s got diabeetus.
*Joe says Charlie was coming back from Frisco on business*
Neyz: Where was he going?
*Rafe asks the mean looking guy what Charles was wearing when the Wind Raiders attacked and he doesn’t remember. They look like they’re about to shoot it out when Barkow shows up and says we’re all friends here, smiling*
Warlock: Gahhhhh he’s smiling. I’ve never seen that before. I’m used to him mean mugging.
*The mean dude is named Snake (Marshall R Teague). Barkow introduces himself and Rafe rides off. Snake “This ain’t over boy” Rafe “No its not.”
*Joe follows Rafe along and says he’s heading for trouble.He says no one ever faced Snake before and lived. Rafe says Charlie wasn’t killed by raiders*
Neyz: How did he die?
Warlock: We’ll never know.
*Joe and Rafe spot some Sioux in the bushes. Its Dancing Flower (Carmen Moore). Rafe wants to treat her wounds and Joe says they better get out of here because its the chief’s daughter. Rafe is insistent and Joe is afraid*
*Rafe treats her broken leg but then Snake and the Taggart Brothers Mike (Patrick Kilpatrick) and Luke (Rex Linn) show up looking for a scalp. Snake “Get your own damn squaw”
*They ride off and say they’ll meet again. Joe says Rafe knows how to rile people up. First Snake, then the Taggarts and now the Sioux raiding party. Red Cloud shows up with a bunch of warriors and Rafe holds his ground. Joe says “This great chief fixed her egg!” The chief is confused. Joe “What the hell is the right word for leg?”
Neyz and Warlock: Hahahahaha
*Joe corrects himself and Dancing Flower agrees. Joe says Rodney is dead and the chief says they can go. Joe says “Let’s ease on out of here.”
Warlock: Good idea.
*Joe is excited that he’s working with Rafe as the chief’s second in command punches him and rides back to the party. Rafe “Its a gift”
Neyz: I’m so confused.
*Barkow tries to win the affection of Ann. He calls her his fiancee much to her chagrin. Bruce says he’s her future as Snake interrupts. Mike, Luke and Snake bitch about Rafe and Bruce blows them off, saying take care of it themselves. Meanwhile Ann says he can’t pay the morgatge and Rafe says not to worry. Bruce says he’s going to own the town someday and wants her by his side. She says Rafe mentioned he saw Charlie recently and Bruce looks confused*
Warlock: Nice character development.
*Back at the ranch, Joe chows with Rafe and JT. Joe tells the story of what happened to town. Barkow wants the ranch and Ann too. Rock shows up and says Charlie mattered more. Joe “Welcome to Crazy Woman Ranch”
*The quartet ride the next mornng. They round up wild horses from sun up to sun down*
Warlock:Well that was fun.
Neyz: Nevermind the bugs. Maybe that’s why they all smoked. to keep the bugs away.
*JT gets kncoked around by a wild horse. Meanwhile Joe makes horseshoes and shows JT how to do it. Meanwhile in town, Rafe prays in a church when Ann shows up. Ann “Care to tell me what you’re thinking about?”*
Warlock: He’s thinking he wants to do you.
*Rafe tells Ann that Charlie wasn’t killed in a raid but six weeks earlier in his arms. Bruce Barkow shows up in a blue suit*
Warlock: I want that suit.
Neyz: I want her dress.
*Bruce invites her for a ride and she accepts. Rafe says he’ll be at the ranch and Bruce scoffs. He tells Ann that RAFE is the one that wants her and the ranch, not him*
Warlock: What a snake.
*The quartet brand a cow*
Warlock: Awww man I don’t want to see that.
*Joe says he’s glad Rafe is here*
Neyz: Awww, bonding.
*Rock tells another joke at dinner. Joe says Bruce’s men will run them out of town. Joe and Rock play chess and Rock tells another joke. Joe “You want me to give you back your queen?”
*Next day Joe is making horseshoes as Rock digs. Ann rides up as a shirtless JT cuts wood*
*The boys introduces themselves to Ann. She wants to speak with Rafe alone. She says she hasn’t been back to the ranch since she first heard her husband was dead. Rafe promised Charlie he’d look after the ranch and her.He says he’ll keep half the promise by looking after the ranch. She doesn’t believe him and rides away. Rafe “Oh well.”
Warlock: What an idiot she is.
*Ann visits Rodney’s grave and Rafe rides up to her. She tells the story of how she met Charlie. The ranch was their dream. Then their 4 month old daughter died of cholera and then Charlie too. She’s distraught and Rafe tries to talk sense into her*
Warlock: Awwww mush mush
*Millie the barmaid (Kyla Wise) gets out of the way as the quartet enter the bar. Playing cards nearby are the Taggart brothers, Snake and Bruce. Rafe orders whiskey with a whiskey chaser*
Warlock: Whiskey the horse would have fit right in.
*Rafe’s bill is on the house because Taggart says he’ll kill him next time he sees him. Rafe says to bring it. He walks up to Bruce and says don’t send a woman to send a message. Bruce says “I won’t. Stay away from Ann Rodney.” Rafe smiles and goes back to the bar. JT hits on Millie and Rock tells another joke*
*Rafe tells Ann how he met Charlie. He paid off the morgatge, got drunk, got mugged and ended up on the ship where the Captain beat him to death. Gene shows up and tells Rafe to hit the bricks. Ann says she’ll think about. Mike Taggart is calling out Rafe. He twirls his gun around*
Warlock: Wonderful, our first showdon.
*Rafe asks Gene to borrow Rodney’s custom made gun for the duel*
*Rafe says that was Red Cloud’s daughter he tried to poach and they have no quarrel. Rafe goes to leave and Mike fires 3 shots at him, missing completely. He blows away first Mike, then Snake up on a roof. The quartet ride off as Bruce holds Luke back from entering. He tells Luke to go get Bo Dorn (Brad Johnson). Luke says he doesn’t like being brought. Bruce says he likes being paid*
Warlock: Oh boy, a hired gun.
*JT “That was nice shooting” Rafe “That wasn’t shooting, that was killing.” Meanwhile Bruce whacks a tray out of Dewey’s hand and says to cook dinner again*
Neyz: What an asshole.
*Ann grills Bruce on what happened. Bruce says Rafe is the bad guy but she doesn’t really believe him*
Warlock: She’s getting it.
*Rock and JT rescue a cow from an oil patch. Joe asks if oil is valuable*
Warlock: Yes it is.
Neyz: It smells like shit.
*Sheriff, Luke and two posse guys (Daniel Parker) say they’re here to arrest Rafe. He asks why. Bruce shows up and says for trespassing. Barkow says he has 3 days to clear out. Rafe says he’ll prove that Barkow set up Charlie. Barkow’s men leave. Meanwhile Ann grills Bruce again. Barkow says in 3 days if Rafe doesn’t leave, he’ll kick him out. He claims the ranch is still hers. She says she’ll decide who’s welcome to stay. Next day JT gets in some target practice*
Warlock: Nice shooting stranger.
*Joe says he’s going into town and he reads the paper at the bar. Barkow joins him and says after Rafe leaves, Joe can stay. Joe says no, “your talk is as cheap as your liquor”
Neyz: Yeah…tell him.
*Bo Dorn shows up and Joe is concerned. Back at the ranch, Joe tells Bo’s backstory and that he’s there to kill Rafe. Rafe is unafraid and rides into town. Bo spots him*
Warlock: At little early for the showdown.
*Ann reads to schoolchildren and Rafe walks into finish the story*
Warlock: Don’t you love when random cowhands walk into school to tell stories?
*Ann tells the kids to play outside*
Warlock: Great idea, I’ll join in.
*Rafe says his real name is Raphael. Ann says its after the arch-angel*
Warlock: Nice writing.
*Rafe says he left the Jesuits because he couldn’t turn the other cheek. Ann “Everytime you finish talking, you get on your horse and ride away.”
Warlock: Man of few words.
*Rafe says he won’t let Barkow take her ranch away*
Warlock: A man of the people.
*Bo tells the Sheriff to get lost because he doesn’t like smoke. He and Bruce speak alone. Bo wants to live at the Rodney ranch. He says if Bruce wants Rafe gone he’ll be an equal partner. He says he may just kill Barkow, take the bitch (Ann) and take the land anyway. Bruce smiles then visits Ann. Bruce asks Ann to wear the white satin dress to their wedding tomorrow. Bruce gets down on his knee to propose and Ann tells him to knock it off. He says she better do as he says and he leaves*
Warlock: What a heel.
*Next day at breakfast, Rafe’s men are distraught. Joe says he was run off there once. They all say they’re with him. Bo tells Bruce that his problem will be solved shortly. He intimidates Ann on his way out of town*
Warlock: One bad hombre.
*Bo stalks the quartet after they split up. Bo sets up shop as Ann rides up to the oil patch where Rafe is standing. Rafe says Bruce is after the oil but HE’S after Ann. Ann smiles. Meanwhile Bo gets ready to fire*
Warlock: Someone’s gonna bite it.
*Ann tells Rafe that Bo Dorn is after them. Ann kisses Rafe*
*Bo fires and hits……JT, he’s dead*
*Rafe sends Ann away as he rides to investigate the gunshot. He finds JT and soon Joe finds him. Joe cries as Rock rides up and he’s pissed. Meanwhile a herd has taken over town as Ann rides up*
Neyz: Talk about traffic jam.
*Ann tells the Thompson’s trouble is starting but Bruce says its ending. Bruce slaps Ann and intimidates Gene. He throws her into the saloon as the Sheriff is wondering what’s going on. Bruce demands he marry them. He asks if anyone objects and the bartender objects. He says it ain’t right. Melissa protests too. Dewey won’t budge. Barkow shoots him dead and Bo walks into the saloon. The Sheriff continues with the wedding and marries them legally. Bruce forces a kiss and Sherff starts drinking. “Not my finest hour”
Warlock: Yeah, you fucking coward.
*Melissa is pissed and says they need to do something as Barkow forces himself on Ann upstairs*
Neyz: He beats those kinds of people up on NCIS
*Barkow lays her out with a right cross as Rafe, Joe and Rock bury JT. Joe “May you rest in heaven for 3 days before the devil knows you’re dead”
Warlock and Neyz: HAhahaha.
*Rafe’s men load their guns for a shoutout. Barkow knows its coming and Bo tells him to be ready”
Warlock: Here we go.
*Bo sets up shop in the church tower as Ann realizes she’s locked in the saloon bedroom*
Neyz: He locked her in there?
*Bo has Rafe dead to rights but Joe has Bo dead to rights. Joe fires…and misses. He fires again and hits the end of Bo’s gun. Rafe opens fire and kills one of Bo’s men. Barkow fires from inside the saloon and nobody can hit their target. The undertaker/postman/barber hides in a coffin*
Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha.
*Rock and Rafe instigate a stampede as the Thompsons look on. Bo makes his getaway. Melissa goes outside*
Neyz: He needs to fight the boss.
Warlock: Bo first.
*Barkow’s men have Joe and Rock pinned down. Gene Thompson joins them. The Sheriff continues to drink away. Rock “I’ve never had to fight my way INTO a saloon before” Rock takes out one of the men*
*Barkow taunts Rafe and Rafe charges. The Shefiff walks outside piss drunk. Joe goes to shoot him but he rides off wasted*
Warlock: He just quit.
*Barkow shoots Gene in the leg as Rafe takes out one of Taggart’s men. Melissa rescuses Ann*
Neyz: Got one.
*Bo and Rafe go mano e mano*
Warlock: Boss fight as you say.
Neyz: Stop freaking out the horses.
*Rafe is tagged by Bo, Rafe plays dead. Bo investigates and is shot in the leg. Rafe shoots Bo in the chest. Meanwhile Luke Taggart shoots Joe in the chest, Rock screams out*
Neyz: Now who’s gonna help with the ranch?
*Rock goes apeshit with a rifle and kills Taggart*
Warlock: Nice shooting.
*Bo “You shot me.”
Warlock: NO shit…..
Warlock: *fakes death* ehhhhhhhhhhhh
*Barkow shoots Rafe in the shoulder. Barkow goes to finish him off but is shot and killed by Ann in the back*
Neyz: He dead now.
*Joe is hit in the arm, not chest. Gene is okay too. Gene “Did I hit anything”
Warlock: Yeah, he hit a tree.
*Rock, Joe, Gene, Melissa, Ann and Raef celebrate as we get a fade shot. End credits*
Neyz: Traffic jam. Moooo-ve it along.
Neyzor Blades Assessment: 7.5 out of 10, good movie
The Warlock’s Assessment: 7.5 out of 10, I agree
Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10 – Great
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was actually really, really good. The story was easy to follow, the action flowed and it had the proper ending. Its not every day you get to see Mark Harmon play the heel and although he did it well, I’d rather him beat up the heels. Well, its time to ride off into the sunset
*Warlock gets on a horse and it walks out of the lair as Neyz looks on confused*
Neyz: Wait, how did that get in here?
Warlock: Have a pleasant evenin’