*The Warlock pulls up to his lair in his 1958 Plymouth Fury. He’s wearing a black wife-beater, blue jeans, white sneakers, gargoyle shades and NCIS hat. Mr. America is riding shotgun wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. They exit the car*
Warlock: For the ninth time, Vinnie Vincent was a better guitar player than Mark St John in KISS.
America: No no no, Mark could play circles around Vinnie. Didn’t you hear I’ve Had Enough?
*Warlock and America enter the lair*
Warlock: Yeah, ever heard of Exciter?
America: Animalize was better, end of story.
Warlock: Lick It up, I’m telling you.
*America flops in the recliner*
America: So what the hell are we watching?
Warlock: Dead Birds.
America: The hell is that?
Warlock: Civil War bank robbers get attacked by ghosts.
America: Wonderful….let me guess, NCIS actor?
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get started with Dead Birds.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A group of Confederate soldiers hole up in an abandoned plantation after robbing a bank and find themselves at the mercy of supernatural forces.”
America: Confederates….and supernatural forces…
America: I better see dead birds in this, otherwise the title is very misleading.
Warlock: Does cooked chicken count?
America: Why would that…..ugh….
Warlock: If nothing else, this takes off the run time.
America: Yeah, its real entertaining watching what looks like dried out weeds and assorted pieces of wood blowing in the wind.
*Movie by Alex Turner*
America: Now I know who NOT to thank now.
*Fairhope Alabama, 1863*
Warlock: Its a civil war movie.
America: They filmed thisn pretty early in the morning.
*4 confederate soldiers show up, horse whinnies*
Warlock: The horse won best supporting actor.
*Old bank teller (Ted Manson) leads the bank manager out. MacCready (David Dwyer) asks what they want. The lead soldier says Corporal Smithson wants to make a deposit. They hand him a map. Next frame shows 4 soldiers and a man on foot on their way. Todd (Isaiah Washington) is on foot. The four hombres are confronted by 2 confederate guards. Captain Lewison (Danny Kamin) is somewhere. 2 of the men wipe out the guards while the rest enter the building. The young teller (Sam Breslin Wright) is killed by the woman. The robbers murder everyone. Annabelle (Nicki Aycox) is the woman’s name. Joesph Johnson (Mark Boone Junior) grabs the bags of money*
Warlock: I liked the head shot. This movie’s gonna be gory.
*4 robbers, Annabelle and Todd make their get away. They wipe out a soldier and a little boy (Evan Hipps) as the boy’s mother weeps (Terry Jones)*
Warlock: These must be the heels.
*2 of the robbers are brothers. The leader is William (Henry Thomas) Clyde (Michael Shannon) is one of the riders. Sam (Stephen Fugit) is the other. An old preacher (Michael Purnell) tells them there are no creeks for miles. They’re looking for the Hollister Place*
Warlock: Ever heard of it?
America: I think so.
*A dog (Robby) leads the way. There’s a cornfield blocking the way. They walk into it*
Warlock: He who walks behind the rows.
America: Wrong movie.
*Annabelle finds a scarecrow. Annabelle “It looks like a man”
Warlock: Nooooo, it looks like a rhino
America: Still waiting to see a dead bird.
*Some weird creature attacks and Sam shoots it. Its a skinned slave (Sam Rhymes)*
Warlock: Wow, that was legit creepy.
*Todd tells William a big storm is coming. William says they’re going to hole up at the Hollister place. Take the gold and the lanterns. William says it belonged to a dead soldier he knew. Todd “Place looks deserted”
America: That’s usually never a good sign.
*Sam steps on a dead crow*
Warlock: You happy now?
America: No…the title is dead birdS, plural.
Warlock: You nitpicker.
*Crew finds footprints on the ground*
America: They really need to dust that place.
*Clyde and Joseph search upstairs*
Warlock: Clyde’s the one with a police hat.
*Clyde says they’re not rich yet. The gold is downstairs, not in his pocket on his way to Mexico. He says “If William thinks we’re getting equal shares with that nigger, he’s got another thing coming.”
Warlock: Somebody kill him.
America: Something will happen.
*William finds a family portrait. William finds Todd but one of the doors won’t open. Its not locked but it won’t open*
Warlock: Doncha hate when that happens?
*Joseph thinks he sees ghosts as he wobbles around with a lantern*
Warlock: Establishing the creep factor early.
*Joseph is scared by Clyde behind him. Nobody has found anything. They go to check the barn. Annabelle tends to Sam’s gunshot wound*
America: I think we’ve found our love plot.
Warlock: Hope so.
*Warlock starts humming Seek and Destroy by Metallica*
Warlock: Sorry, thought they were going to sing that?
America: Why would they sing that?
Warlock: Its a good song.
America: You’re crazy!
Warlock: I’m not wrong.
*Todd and William find a small shack. Todd says its the slaves’ quarters. They find an old book. Todd says its for raising the dead*
Warlock: They found the necronomicon.
*Clyde and Joseph plot to kill the others to take their shares as William and Todd walk in*
America: Oh boy, they’re getting greedy.
*Clyde says he’s gonna knock Todd out as Joseph giggles and William tells him to shut up*
Warlock: This is the pitts.
America: They realize that the previous people were doing some kind of stuff.
*The group plays cards over a lantern*
Warlock: King high straight
America: Four aces….come to papa!
*William kisses Annabelle and they go upstairs, Sam looks on angry*
America: This is gonna turn into a lovely shit show. Those 2 guys want the others dead, the younger brother is jealous of the older.
Warlock: At this rate, the supernatural forces won’t have to do shit. They’re just gonna kill each other off.
*William gets it on with Annabelle, Sam can hear them and is sad. The others hears them as well*
Warlock: He knows.
*Todd takes a lantern and leaves the room, leaving Clyde, Sam and Joseph by themselves. Todd grabs his lantern and follows footprints on the ground, they turn from human to animal*
Warlock: Wow, ingenious.
*Annabelle and William shar character development bonding. She says Jeffy Hollister (Harris Mann) inherited it from a great uncle. She says it was awful watching him go*
Warlock: Why do I have a feeling he’s going to show up?
*William reveals he shot a little boy, he asks if she saw it but she’s already asleep*
Warlock: Nighty night.
*Clyde taunts Sam that he’s gonna lose his share of the gold, Sam says he’s a lousy bluffer*
Warlock So you think.
*Joseph says he’s gonna go get the horses inside as Clyde and Sam eyeball the gold*
America: Shits about to go down.
*Joseph gets the horses to the barn*
Warlock: Passion the horse is best supporting actor.
America: You already said that.
Warlock: Yeah, now I got a name.
*Joseph hears a voice in the well saying “help me, hurry”
Warlock: Good call.
*Joseph lowers a bucket by rope into the well and he says he’s gonna pull him up. He pulls the rope and a hand pulls him in*
Warlock: One down already. 55 minutes to go.
*Clyde asks Todd where Joseph is, Todd doesn’t answer. Meanwhile William can’t sleep. He sees a bandaged soldier (Sydney Jones) and looks over to see Jeffy. He’s flashbacking to the civil war where he met Annabelle*
Warlock: Oh boy, a flashback.
*Jeffy says he and Annabelle are going to get married. William then is choked by Jeffy until he wakes up. Sam knocks on the door and says Joseph is gone. He took the horses to the barn and never came back. William dresses to join the search*
Warlock: This is not going to end well.
*Sam is weak from his wound. William doesn’t acknowledge it. Clyde looks by the corn and can’t find him. Sam says he heard Dog but not Joseph. William “He’ll either come back or he won’t, lets all keep our pistols handy”. Clyde says he needs to take care of something. He goes off alone. William says not to leave the gold unattended. He knows Clyde and Joseph are up to something*
Warlock: William is no fool.
*William throws a knife against the wall*
Warlock: So much for the wall being best supporting actor.
*Clyde takes a dump in the outhouse. He hears something coming and freaks out. He kicks open the outhouse door and there’s nothing there. Meanwhile Annabelle wakes up and opens a closet, nothing there*
America: They’re trying to set up a jump scare.
*Annabelle looks under the bird and sees a boy ghost (Steve Green). She screams and the others run up. She’s freaked out*
Warlock: Of course they won’t believe her.
*Sam collapses and says he got queasy after running up all those damn stairs*
Warlock: He needs better cardio.
*Sam says he believes Annabelle and he lays in bed*
America: Wait, did they just leave him in the same room she saw the ghost?
America: What kind of thinking is that?
*Todd is watching the gold alone. Annabelle and William argue outside in the rain. She says Sam’s wound is infected. She says he can’t last much longer and there’s something wrong with this place. William says nobody is going anywhere without Joseph. Clyde walks up and he says he saw Joseph but not for sure. “Its either him or something pretty big”
Warlock: Outhouse ghosts.
*Sam hallucinates the boy is in the room. He says his mother was killed by consumption. All of a sudden a man in a pilgrim hat shows up (Muse Watson). Warlock stands and shouts”
Warlock: RETIRED SPECIAL AGENT MIKE FRANKS IN THE HOUSEEEEE!!!
*The man says he put the chuldren where they’ll never be found. They changed his children into demons. He asks who Sam is and where is the wife. Sam covers up and we cut to downstairs. Todd is counting the gold and Clyde is suspicious. Clyde wants to divide the gold up now and William says to wait till Mexico. Clyde wants it now but lets go*
Warlock: Good call on the heels.
*Clyde says he’s going to go get some rest. He goes upstairs leaving Todd, Annabelle and William alone. Clyde enters a random room and finds a voodoo doll. He tosses it on the ground and lays down. Todd starts hearing shit downstairs*
*Todd investigates noises. A jump scare freaks him out and he shouts for Sam. Clyde wakes up and a little girl (Melanie Abramoff) cries in a corner. Clyde “How’d you get in here?”
America: Don’t do it!
*Clyde asks if anyone else is in the house. She turns into a ghost face and scares him. Meanwhile Todd continues to investigate.He finds a bunch of torture tools and someone’s decayed jaw. He turn around and sees a slave lady (Donna Briscoe). Todd goes to cut her loose and she says he’s here. He walks off and something cuts itself out of her stomach and we cut*
Warlock: Oh man, that looked cool. Why did we have to cut?
*Clyde spots Joseph outside and runs outside. Meanwhile William and Annabelle are asleep in chairs next to the gold. William wakes up from a dream and sees Sam. Sam is twitching around. The gold is gone. William says “Clyde” and runs up the stairs. William shouts for him*
America: You can tell Sam’s jealous.
*William tells Sam to stay with Annabelle and he runs outside. Back inside Sam continues to twitch around as he sneaks up on Annabelle. She wakes up and asks where William is. He twitches and she asks where the gold is. He says William’s taken care of it. He puts a piece of paper from the book of raising the dead on the table. He says the slaves went first, he says they’re not ghosts but demons. Sam says something really hurts and something is wrong. He exposes his wound and it looks like a giant hole. Sam says “It don’t hurt no more Belle” Annabelle remembers Jeffy used to call her that. Sam/Jeffy “I want to show you something” Sam/Jeffy says the Preacher said shooting was too good for him. Annabelle “Sam”
America: Sam ain’t Sam no more.
*Sam grabs Annabelle and we get a flashback of the Man being crucified. He’s the scarecrow they saw in the beginning of the movie. Jeffy was one of the guys that crucified him*
Warlock: That’s pretty cool.
*Its revealed the Man is responsible for all the murders and death*
America: What a lovely face.
*Annabelle wakes up and Sam is dead on the table. She pukes*
America: I think its time to get out of there.
Warlock: Its been time.
*Outside William yells for Todd and Joseph. No answer. He walks back in and Annabelle is scared shitless. She says she saw everything. William asks whats wrong with Sam. He checks for a pulse, there’s none. He’s dead*
Warlock: You couldn’t tell?
*Annabelle says the house did something to him. She says that Jeffy sent them there for a reason. Todd walks in and says the Man sacrificed his slaves as a part of a ritual to bring his dead wife back to life. He killed them because they turned into demons. Todd takes a drink and says they need to get out of there. Annabelle tells him Sam’s dead. William asks where he’s been. William’s not leaving without the gold*
Warlock: The gold!!!!
*Todd and William draw guns. Annabelle holds a knife to his throat. They yell at each other and Todd puts his gun down. Annabelle removes the knife and William puts his gun down*
Warlock: Cooler heads prevailed.
*Todd says the gold is gone. William says if they find Clyde and Joseph, they’ll find it. Todd hears voices again*
Warlock: He’s gonna end up in the funny farm.
*Todd says to forget the gold and to leave now. Todd says forget everyone, he’s leaving. William and Annabelle chase after hm. He goes for his horse but they’re all dead and slaughtered*
Warlock: Nobody is going anywhere.
*Todd hysterically laughs and says he’s walking. Todd hears voices again and says “no more, no more” He goes on a crying speech*
Warlock: He’s not having a good day is he? Notice how the only one not seeing or hearing shit is William?
*Todd walks off into the rows, William says he’s staying and goes back inside. Annabelle goes with him back inside. William finds the living room destroyed and Sam is gone. Annabelle and William yell at each other. William says they have to find him. Meanwhile Todd is running around the cornfields. A ghost scares him and Todd disappears. William and Annabelle run into a scarecrow and William says its Clyde. He cuts him down and pulls the hood off. His eyes and mouth are sewed shut. Annabelle literally kicks his head off and runs for it.*
Warlock: Field goal or punt?
*William and Annabelle are split up. Annabelle yells out for William but he doesn’t hear her. William points his gun around*
Warlock: He was the only one who didn’t see or hear anything off. No hallucination, nothing.
*William shoots his gun and he apparently shot Annabelle*
Warlock: Nice shooting reverand.
*Next morning William stands in the rows alone. We see Annabelle shot in the head*
America: Greattttt shooting.
*William walks off and hears a noise. He finds Dog who barks at him. He goes for his gun but Dog disarms him. He runs for it and some ghost thing chases him. He runs right into a confederate soldier who shoots him in the chest. They look at the corpse and find some gold. They look up and see the house, they say that’s where the gold is. The two soldiers walk toward the house and find Annabelle. End credits*
Warlock: Kind of a shitty ending.
America: Mmmhmm. Would have been nice if they made it clear when they turned into demons.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4. Just plain stupid.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 5 out of 10. It was suspenseful but nothing good, nothing bad.
Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Talk about an average movie, nothing great, nothing too bad. Just wish it was easier to follow because it had a lot of promise. Hopefully the next movie we choose won’t be so boring. Well that about…
*America has put KISS Animalize in the cd player and blasts I’ve Had Enough*
America: See, St John is better.
*Warlock shakes his head*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.