*The Warlock walks up to his lair but is blown backwards by a serious wind, he has to use his levitiation powers to stay up straight. He is wearing a black t-shirt, blue jean shorts, white sneakers and gargoyle shades*
Warlock: What the fuck is with the wind?
*The wind suddenly stops and he walks inside, t-shirt hanging and glasses on the side of his face. He goes to set up the movie when another gust of wind blows outside. Warlock looks confused as the front door blows open. Mr. America staggers inside. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades…only the hat is on sideways, the vest is backwards and the glasses are hanging off his head*
Mr. America: What….*pant pant*…is the big…puHAH…idea?
Warlock: Wasn’t me, I got nailed by it too.
*America staggers in the lair, fixes himself and plops in the recliner*
America: I don’t remember a friggin tornado in today’s forecast!
Warlock: Me neither. Anyway ready for the movie?
America: What are we watching?
Warlock: Funny the wind picked up, because that’s what we’re watching. The Wind!
America: The Wind?
Warlock: NCIS Appreciation Month continues with The Wind, a 1986 suspense thriller about a writer on a secluded island being stalked by an unfriendly neighbor.
America: What does that have to do with the navy?
Warlock: Absolutely nothing!
America: So why….oh wait…let me guess, NCIS character, right?
Warlock: Now you’re using a bit of your brain.
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get started with this thriller, THE WIND!
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A novelist is stalked by a psychopath one stormy night.”
America: I’m sure he’ll get a hell of a story out of this.
*Movie opens with Sian Anderson (Meg Foster) is telling a joke during the opening credits*
Warlock: This is the first movie I’ve seen of hers that she’s not a heel.
America: I don’t remember Jesus having a cold?
*John (David McCallum) laughs at the joke and shares bonding moments with Sian. Warlock stands and shouts*
Warlock: LEAD CORONER DOCTOR DONALD “DUCKY” MALLARD IN THE HOUSEEEEEEEE!
*Sian hears wind and a blimp. The blimp scrolls the graphic “Bon Voyage Sian Anderson*
Warlock: Wow, nice going Ducky.
*Sian confers with her friend (Summer Thomas) before leaving for a secluded location to write her next book*
Warlock: So long!
*Sian and John take a limo and Sian says she’s in the wrong place at the worst possible time a lot*
*John asks if Elias Appleby (Robert Morely) speaks English*
Warlock: No hable anglais?
*Plane view of abandoned city in Greece*
America: PULL UP! PULL UP!
*Appleby refuses to carry Sian’s luggage*
Warlock: What a cheapskate.
*Appleby says he married a Greek woman (Diana Giannakou)*
Warlock: My condolences
*Appleby says this place gives him an orgasm*
*Appleby says you can see and hear the ghosts at night*
Warlock: Who ya gonna call?
*Appleby says there’s a lot of tourists in the summer*
Warlock: He wants to shoot them.
*Appleby says he’s spending the night in the village. He says to beware of the wind*
Warlock: She’d have better luck with The Fog.
*Appleby “I hope I haven’t been too much of a pain in the derriere”
Warlock: Yeah, you’re driving us crazy.
*Appleby leaves and Sian notices Phil (Wings Hauser) across the way*
Warlock: Something’s up.
America: He walked away, imagine that!
*Up-tempo song with panoramic view of Greek city*
America: Oh yay, scenery.
*Wind bangs against Appleby’s house*
America: Remember the wind! Hurry! So many windows to close.
*Sian calls John and checks in with him. John wants to hop a plane to see her but she says to stay put. Their call is disconnected by the wind*
Warlock: Mother nature is a bitch.
*Knock on the door. Sian “Come in”
Warlock: There’s nobody in here!
America: She just said “come in!”
*Sian answers the door but nobody answers. All she sees is wind*
America: So, some random dude just knocked on your door, dropped off bags of food, and you witness him suspiciously giggling as he makes his horrid getaway. I would not eat that food.
*Sian carries the bag inside*
America: And there ya go carrying the shit in.
*Phil barges in the door and brings supplies. He introduces himself as Phil*
America: I don’t like this guy. You just ran away flailing your arms and giggling, now you bust in the door?
*Phil bungles around and Sian asks him about his past. He gives her his life story. Phil “You can call me a bum or a citizen of the world”
Warlock: I call him a bum.
America: When was this movie made?
America: When was Home Alone made?
Warlock: 1990 I think.
America: If this guy loses some hair and moves to the states, he can be Marv from Home Alone.
Warlock: You’re comparing Wings Hauser to Daniel Stern?
America: The bum look he’s got.
*Sian and Phil go back and forth about weapons and death*
Warlock: I prefer the taser.
Warlock: So I can shoot out all the lights in Washington Park.
*Sian “What was that sound?”
America: Uh, I’d say that’s the wind.
Warlock: She’s talking to herself.
America: Oh, self narrating.
*Sian writes about Phil killing Appleby with a red hot poker*
America: Dead from a poker shot?
Warlock: He got him in the neck.
*Sian lotions her legs*
Warlock: Is she naked?
America: She’s wearing a slip. What movie are you watching?
*Sian buries Appleby for real and he spots Sian to an electric harpsichord theme*
Warlock: What in the name of hell was that sound?
*Sian goes outside to investigate*
America: If this was a normal slasher, she’d be killed for investigating.
Warlock: There would be no movie.
America: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
Warlock: “Sian goes to investigate and Phil kills her with a shovel”
America and Warlock: THE END!
*Scarecrow falls on Sian*
Warlock: Don’t worry, he’s brainless
America: He did a terrible job of burying the body.
*Sian runs into Phil outside. He hands her a key and tells her to go inside. Next frame Sian is over a roasting fire smoking and pacing*
America: Pace and think, pace and think,pace and think.
*Sian throws her cigarette in the coffee*
America: Oh great, you just ruined the coffee. How does she expect to stay alert now?
*Sian calls the wife and the wife can’t speak English*
America: Look at the bright side, if you truly want to be cynical about this, you’re getting a free stay. The dude’s dead and now you don’t owe him anything.
*Sian calls John and says someone’s been murdered. She doesn’t know how to call the police. He asks what he can do, she says she doesn’t know. The wind breaks up the call again. John can’t help without the number to the police chief*
Warlock: Come on Ducky.
*Someone knocks on the door with 80s music in the background*
Warlock: Is that Holding Out For A Hero?
America: I don’t know but there was a missed opportunity to have a montage with her getting better to fight off attackers.
*Phil barges in the door and scares her. He says the phone lines are down*
America: What is with you two? With her, ever heard of locking your doors? With this guy, if you’re not trying to be a creep, why are you not announcing your presence by saying “HELLO? HELLO?” You’re both idiots.
*Sian talks to herself asking if Phil is innocent*
Warlock: Are you kidding me?
*Sian lights a candle and rambles*
America: What are you starting to do now?
*Phil grabs a sickle and slips outside as Sian puts the candle in glass to investigate*
America: Good idea, put the candle in glass so you don’t burn your hand with the wax. Good brainstorm. Maybe next time you’ll lock the doors!
*Phil runs down the back steps and she closes the door on him. He punches through with the sickle and chases her upstairs*
Warlock: Hahaha now he does look like Marv.
America: Oh sure, now you agree with me.
*Phil tries to cut his way through the closed hatch but she pours whiskey in his eyes*
Warlock: Hahaha that’s gonna sting.
America: I like how she’s calm and not freaking out.
*Phil fucks with the power generator and Sian calls him a sonovabitch*
Warlock: Hey let’s play stare directly into the light!
*Phil jack up the power so much the lightbulbs explode*
Warlock: I didn’t even need my taser.
*Phil sings Star Light So Bright. Sian says to go to hell*
*Appleby’s wife makes her way to the house as the phone rings. There’s no one on the other line*
Warlock: Somebody forgot to pay the phone bill.
*Phil calls and taunts her. He says not to go out into the wind. She calls him insane for killing Elias and he goes nuts. Phil says he doesn’t want to hurt her*
America: Taking a scythe to the door and killing the generator kind of says otherwise*
*Phil snorts something as the wife calls out. Phil kills the lantern and goes to investigate*
America: I believe you’re next lady.
*Phil kills the wife with the red hot poker*
Warlock: The kill count is now 2
America: That guy really likes pokers. I’m not impressed.
*Sian grabs a butcher knife and investigate for a full minute*
Warlock: Can something happen please?
*Phil stalks around outside with a spider’s web shown*
America: Hello spider.
*Sian calls John but he doesn’t answer*
Warlock: Ducky can’t save the day.
*Sian figures out 0 is for long distance, not operator*
*Sian calls John but he’s swimming in the pool*
Warlock: Havin a schwim!
*John finally answers and Sian says Phil after her. John goes to get the police numbers as Phil screams “ANDERSON! ARE YOU ASLEEP?”
America: Not anymore.
*John comes back on the line but Sian has run off. Phil shouts that the wind has died*
Warlock: So if the wind dies, does that count as a kill?
America: I’m gonna say no.
*Sian finds the corpse of Elias’ wife. She hides and Phil stalks around. A mop falls on her and Phil hears her scream*
America: Well, he knows where you are now.
*The wind picks back up and they both run*
America: This isn’t so much a horror movie as it is a thriller.
Warlock: I just said that.
America: Just reinforcing your observation.
*Sian knocks Phil down and run. She makes it inside a shed and he can’t barge the door open. The Greek policeman (Mihalis Gianntos) and Kenser (Steve Railsback) are playing backgammon and gets a phone call. John calls in and asks for someone to check on Sian*
Warlock: Watch, they laugh and go back to their game.
*Kesner says he’ll go check it out if it means he’ll get his passport back*
Warlock: Good old fashioned extortion.
*Sian boils a pot of hot water as Kesner ries to climb the wall to the back entrance. She dumps the water on Phil and he screams*
America: Now he gets to cool off.
*Kesner bangs on the door and asks if anyone is home*
Warlock: There’s nobody in her.
*Kesner introduces himself. “Having a party?” Sian “Oh yeah, having a blast.”
*Kesner chills with Sian for a bit and they share character development. Kesner says he doesn’t like Phil but he’s not a murderer. Sian pleads her case*
Warlock: We still have a half hour to go.
*Kesner “You’re safe now.” Sian “Famous last words”
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Kesner goes to investigate as Sian puts in a new light bulb*
Warlock: Let there be light!
*Kesner screams out. Sian runs in, Kesner says the generator almost killed him. Kesner says to stay there, Sian doesn’t want to be alone. Kesner draws his gun*
Warlock: HE’S GOT A GUN!
America: If I didn’t have this drink in my hand, I would have dove behind the recliner.
*Kesner blows the lock off the closet but the wife’s corpse is not there. They find the scarecrow and Kesner says “Elias never looked better”
*Kesner digs a hole and finds a trash bag. Kesner says she’s just imagining things. Sian starts to calm down and Kesner admits he never liked Phil. He says that Phil has gotten rid of the evidence so they can’t pin anything on him*
America: Wow, not only does he believe her, he’s got his escape plan hatched out.
*Out of nowhere, Phil kills Kesner with the sickle from behind a curtain*
Warlock: So much for Kesner’s passport.
*Sian calls out Phil by calling him a little shit. She spots the shoes behind the curtain*
America: Its a decoy.
*Sian pulls back the curtain and there’s only the corpses of Elias and his wife, plus Phil’s shoes*
*Phil hits the stereo and we get more electric harpsichord music*
Warlock: This song’s catchy.
America: Its not THAT catchy, sit down and stop dancing.
Warlock: I want it on mp3.
*Phil retrieves his sickle*
America: So are we gonna watch 20 minutes of cat and mouse?
*Phil runs in and tells her to run*
Warlock: Cat and mouse
*Sian tags him in the shoulder with the knife*
Warlock: If anything it disarms him.
*Phil uses a candle to heat his sickle and jam it into his wound*
Warlock: He cauterized the wound.
*Phil reads Sian’s new book she’s typing and taunts her. He says “Okay, time’s up”
Warlock: Wish this movie’s time was up.
*Sian answers the phone and its Phil. He says she’s sealed off all entrances but one and he’s coming for her. She remembers Elias saying his son’s hunting equipmentis in the closet. She opens it and finds an assault shotgun*
Warlock: That’s not even a boomstick, that’s an automatic assault shotgun. Who the hell hunts with that?
America: Who hunts with a shotgun anyway?
*Sian says she only has 4 shells*
Warlock: 4 rounds, make them count.
America: Just four?
*Phil makes his way up to the window and she opens fire, missing with 3 shots*
Warlock: Well so much for that.
*Phil climbs ladder to the window, Sian hears him*
America: Why doesn’t she just push the ladder?
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Phil climbs the roof and she prepares a trap*
Warlock: She’s got something in mind.
*Sian waits for Phil to come through the window. When he enters, Sian cuts a rope which causes a shutter to whack Phil, causing his sickle to jam into his chest. He falls backward*
Warlock: Why didn’t she push him off the roof?
America: I’m wondering the same thing. Unless someone else shows up, she’s gonna have a hell of a time explaining this to the cops.
*2 newlyweds Lisa (Tracy Young) and her husband (John Michaels) pull up and say they’re lost. Sian runs after the car. Guy “Hey Lisa! I can’t find a phonebooth” Lisa “Why?” “To change into Superman you bimbo!”
*Sian falls into a hole and finds a rotted skeleton. The husband is Bobby. Lisa tells Bobby to get out of there. Some random dude rings the bell to signal morning. Bobby and Lisa drive off before Sian ca signal for help. Sian looks up and around*
America: Is there a point to all this?
*Phil pops up and chases Sian again. We get a slow motion chase scene*
Warlock: This is taking too long.
*Sian runs up a stone staircase alongside a cliff, Phil right behind her. Phil corners her over an overpass. He says “So long Mrs. Anderson” when a gust of wind blows him off the cliff*
America: Really? That’s the big ending? He gets taken off the edge by the wind?
America: That took the wind out of my sails.
*Zoom out shot and end credits*
America: That was really a let down ending.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I say a 4.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 4.5 out of 10….too boring for me. Wasn’t too bad, wasn’t good.
Final Grade: 4 out of 10 -Bad
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was boring. It wasn’t so much bad as it was just slow. The story was easy to follow but it just progressed slowly. It was really an hour long movie stretched to an hour and a half. The ending was a bit farfetched as well. Well that about wraps up….
*Suddenly a huge gust of wind blows open the front door and Mr. America goes head over heels over the recliner, Warlock is hanging on to the couch by a thread*
Warlock: HAVE A PLEASANT EVENING…GAHHHHHH!