*Neyzor Blades opens the door to the lair. Shes wearing a black and white striped dress*
Neyz: Hi…um…I’m not good at this. Welcome to the lair, I’m your host Neyzor Blades*
*Neyz walks inside. The Warlock is passed out on the couch wearing a black-wife beater and blue jeans*
Neyz: Wake up, you missed your opening.
*Neyz throws one of his own shoes at him. He pops up*
Warlock: Buasde huh who what? Oh…dammit what time is it?
*Neyz sits in the recliner*
Neyz: Time for you to tell us what movie we’re watching.
*Warlock stumbles off the couch and walks outside. “Welcome to my…”
Neyz: I already did the intro you big rummy.
*Warlock walks back inside*
Warlock: Why didnt you tell me?
Neyz: So what are we watching?
*Warlock sits back on the couch and rubs his eyes*
Warlock: The Shrink Is In.
Neyz: The hell is that?
Warlock: A 2001 romantic comedy starring Courtney Cox and David Arquette.
Neyz: Why are we watching that?
Warlock: Its part of NCIS Appreciation Month.
Warlock: You’ll see, lets start The Shrink Is In.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A young woman impersonates a shrink to win over her Prince Charming”
Neyz: Pfft, terrible.
*Opening credits as Samantha Crumb (Courtney Cox) gives her driver directions*
Warlock: Hey who’s that?
Neyz: I don’t know who that is.
Warlock: You suck.
*The driver is Jonathon (Chris Potter)*
Warlock: He doesn’t look happy at all.
*She babbles on and on and on, Michael stone faces her. They pull up to an airport and Jonathon says he’s unhappy. He breaks up with her and says he doesn’t love her anymore. He’s on his way to New York and he tells her to have a nice trip*
Neyz: Really? What a dick. I’m not watching this.
Warlock: You’re not going anywhere, you’re staying right here and suffering through this with me.
*The plane takes off. The 1st class stewardess (J Karen Thomas) the normal stewardess (Angela Shelton) serve drinks. The captain on the intercom says they’re going to have to stay in the air for 30 minutes. Samantha freaks out and goes nuts on the male steward as the guy next to her (Marc Lynn) looks on. Samantha runs out of her seat, bowls over passengers and runs toward the cockpit*
Warlock: LOOK OUT, SAVAGE ON THE LOOSE!
*Samantha opens the door and the inflatable raft kicks in. She jumps out of the plane and down the raft*
*We get still pictures of Samantha getting arrested as the opening credits*
Warlock: Still pictures, gotta love it.
*Samantha is part of a highway cleanup chain gang*
Warlock: Hahahahaha that’s hilarious.
*Dr. Louise Rosenberg (Carol Kane) has Samantha on the couch. She says dreamt that time was up when the buzzer sounds*
Warlock: Time’s up.
*A man at the elevator (Jeff Michalski) says “Going down?” in a distorted voice*
Neyz: That’s scawrryy.
*Henry Popopolis (David Arquette) pushes the elevator button for Samantha*
Warlock: Former WCW World Heavyweight Champion David Arquette.
Neyz: Don’t remind me.
*Samantha and Henry get in the elevator and Henry shouts “All aboarddddd”
Warlock: Thought this was an elevator, not a bullet train.
*Henry sings a song as two people get on the elevator. He sings even louder, freaking everyone out*
Warlock: He was better off with Love In An Elevator
Neyz: Yeah seriously.
*Samantha runs out of the elevator and the man says “I don’t blame her”
*Samantha goes to her apartment and Murray the dog shows up*
Warlock: What kind of dog is that?
Neyz: A dachshund.
*Samantha has a night terror and frantically calls Jonathan who blows her off and says he’s with another woman*
Neyz: Is he married?
Warlock: Probably with another bitch.
*Samantha calls for Murray but he doesn’t budge*
Neyz: Best supporting actor.
*Samantha walks Murray with Robin (Viola Davis) who says she needs to get out and date more. Back home, she answers the phone and pretends she’s in Jamaica to impress her boss Gerald (Ross Benjamin)*
Warlock: Hah, the director’s son.
*Samantha is a travel writer who doesn’t actually travel. She types out her report as a moving truck signals the arrival of Michael (David James Elliott)
Warlock: Hahhahaha its David James Elliott.
Warlock: He’s the main character from J.A.G.
Neyz: I thought we were doing NCIS appreciation, not J.A.G.
Warlock: NCIS is the spinoff of J.A.G. but he’s not the reason we’re watching this. This is a bonus.
*Michael looks at Samantha and she develops an instant crush*
Neyz: Can we shoot the soundtrack please?
*Dino (Ravil Isyanov) calls and says the pictures aren’t ready yet. Robin walks in and says Samantha will be on a date with Richard (David Bowe). The valet driver (Johnny Sanchez) steals her car*
Warlock: Saw that coming.
*Samantha walks into the club and immediately walked out. She tries to tell the waitress (Stacey Stone) to tell Richard she won’t make it despite her being just outside the place. Richard takes the phone and Samantha tries to bail but she’s knocked into the bushes by Michael and his girlfriend Isabelle (Kimberley Davies)
Warlock: Bahahaha look at her.
*The valet honks and Samantha tears her dress running for the car. She runs around in her underwear as the valet continues to honk the horn. Richard watches from the bar excited and the bartender (Michael Gabriel Goodfriend) looks on with him*
Warlock: Well we get to see Courtney Cox in her underwear so this is automatically not the worst movie of all time.
*Robin and Murray are waiting for Samantha. Shes mad but says to check out the neighbors. Isabelle in her underwear is grilling Michael for no reason. Samantha sniffs something and Isabelle is taking a bong rip*
Neyz: I need one of those.
*Murray barks and Isabelle’s cat growls. Isabelle wants him to take her from behind like a farm animal*
Neyz: Why are Samantha and Robin watching them?
Warlock: They’re being nosey.
*Robin speaks in a horrid french accent*
*Samantha has a dream of farm animals*
Warlock: Okay that was funny.
*Michael and Samantha share bonding moments on the balcony*
Warlock: That’s better.
*Henry has an entire bus singing including Latisha (Shanda Laurent) the driver*
Warlock: The guy’s a one man conductor.
*Henry runs into Samantha who runs away from him. Henry badgers a doctor (Jeff Michalski) and chases after Samantha, who blows him off*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Samantha tells her story to Louise who cries and hides under the coffee table sucking her thumb. She turns into a baby state and calls Samantha mommy. At the mental ward, Doctor Marc (Stephen Mendillo) says she’s loopy. Someone has to take her place or she loses her practice*
Warlock: Took this long to establish the plot? By the way that’s the guy from Slapshot and Eight Men Out.
*Samantha calls Mrs (Robin Dearden) and Mr (Charles Dennis) Coleman claiming to be Rosenberg’s assistant. Samantha “No wonder Dr. Rosenberg went crazy”
Warlock: I’m going crazy, still got an hour left of this.
*Another patient buzzes himself in, its Michael*
Neyz: JAG guy.
*She pretends to be Dr. Rosenberg to talk to him*
Warlock: Oh sure, this is how it starts.
*Samantha fumbles around with pencils as Michael tells her his plight. She falls back head over heels in the recliner as she tries to tell him he’s lonely and needs better company. He asks if he can come by every day and she says sure*
Warlock: There’s the soundtrack again.
*Henry buzzes himself in and he’s next to see Samantha. He’s a loony who carries around stacks of magazines. He says that’s his job and and she keeps knocking things over*
Warlock: She’s more clumsy than she is.
*Henry says he’s scared of people and he took the job to get back into life. They then cry about their plights together and Henry establishes himself as the “aww shucks” lover type. He says time heals all wounds. She asks him if he can come by every day*
*Mrs Dopalla (Winifred Freedman) thought Dr. Rosenberg would look much older when she see’s Samantha*
Warlock: Carol Kane was 49, Courtney Cox was 37…so that does make sense at the time of filming.
*Mrs. Dopalla cries and Samantha gives her a pep talk about being overweight. She suggests to hire a food slapper, someone to slap food out of her hands*
Neyz: That’s not funny.
*Isabelle runs out of her apartment naked and Murray runs in. The cat’s name is Pussy and Murray chases her around. Isabelle calls Samantha an idiot. Murray breaks the bong and Pussy knocks over a picture of Michael. Isabelle tells her to get lost and Samantha says “You don’t have to get so pussy….pissy about it” Warlock pauses when there’s a clear shot of Isabelle’s ass*
Warlock: I’m pausing for important research.
Neyz: Oh no you don’t, keep it moving you pervert.
*Robin says she’d go to jail for impersonating a doctor. Samantha says he’s the one and Robin says he’s not. Next day Samantha runs into the office in a tennis outfit. She says its her grand passion as she wipes out a lamp with a tennis swing*
*Samantha nearly falls over the chair again. She goes to tell him she’s not Dr. Rosenberg but he cuts her off by putting her over. Michael says she’s a Victoria’s Secret Model. Samantha wants to know about her personality. She stirs the pot by saying just sex isn’t good, he needs something more emotional. Samantha tries to stir the pot some more but The buzzer then starts going off. Samantha tells Michael what she heard while spying on her and says she’s incapable of intimacy because pot is Isabelle’s true love and he’s just a guy he screws*
Warlock: Hahahaha wow, what a bitch.
*The buzzing isn’t Henry but its two uniformed cops (Sean Christopher Davis and Brian Devlin) who need her assistance. Apparently Judge Bob (John Polito) wants to take a swan dive into the afterlife. Samantha has to talk her out of it. She gets to the scene and standing next to Bob on the ledge is Henry. He waves hi and says he sent for her*
Warlock: Hahaha that’s hilarious.
*Bob’s wife left him.He was married for 3 weeks. Henry looks confused*
Warlock: That’s the pawn shop guy from The Crow.
*Bob says he’s a federal judge and its a drudgery. He says no kids because he’s sterile. No friends, parents are dead. Henry “I’ll be your friend Bob.”
Warlock: He’s so cheesy, I love it.
*Samantha sneaks out on the ledge when a news helicopter shows up with the cameraman (Richard Brooks Burton) shoving the camera in their faces. The mental ward below chants for them to all jump*
Warlock: Hahahahaha jump, jump, jump, jump!
*Henry says they should all jump. Bob reaches his hand out and Samantha takes it. Henry says let’s jump and Bob stops. He freaks out and doesn’t want to jump, neither does Samantha*
Warlock: He plays a sniveling crumb in every movie.
*Samantha plans to move everyone back inside but Bob says he can’t. He’s right handed and must go to the right. The police says “Alright to the other window!” Everybody runs into a room with some dude in a dentist chair (Duane King) looking completely confused*
*Bob, Henry and Samantha make it to the window but Bob accidentally flails about and kicks Samantha, Henry grabs her but they both topple off the building into the inflatable cushion. They’re okay*
Warlock: That was fun, let’s do it again!
*Samantha and Henry smile at each other but Samantha says “Michael!” Henry “My name is Henry*
Neyz: Oh poor Henry!
*Samantha runs back to Michael who’s still shell shocked. Next frame Henry dives on the couch. Henry sings in elevator and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. He tries to get her to sing Daydream Believer and she stops him. She says to go on medication. She gives him a character crushing tongue lashing but he calls her mean and storms off*
Neyz: What a bitch, she had it coming.
*Robin runs up and Samantha hugs her. She’s obsessed with Michael and checks on Rosenberg. The mailman (Gene Borkin) checks out Isabelle as the pictures from Belieze arrive. Michael walks in and she’s locked out of her own apartment. She freaks out and dives down the garbage chute to get away from him. He tosses his garbage down and it hits her in the head*
*Isabelle is pissed he flushed her pot down the toilet. He tells her what Samantha told him and she thinks he’s funny. He tries to stand his ground but she slams the door in his face. Back at the funny farm, Samantha visits Dr. Rosenberg. The nurse (Mindy Morgenstern) gives Louise her meds and she scarfs them down*
Warlock: She plays the character really well.
*Samantha tells her to take it slow and not rush back to work. She says hi to an invisible cat and Dr. Marc says she’ll be back to work in a week. Back at the office, Samantha dresses sexy but Michael is oblivious. She presses his head against her tits as she repeats what Isabelle says. Michael then starts making out with her. They strip each other and do it. Meanwhile Henry is impatient in the waiting room. They scramble to get their clothes on. Samantha says not to think she does this with everyone and Michael says he knows. He beats a hasty retreat as Henry walks in*
Neyz: Poor Henry!
*Henry knows something’s up and compliments her outfit. Henry asks if she believes in love at first sight. She says yes. Henry asks if he should tell her how he feels and she tells him not right away until she shows attention back. Henry leaves and next frame is Samantha running to her job. She runs into Gerald’s office where Dino is waiting with him*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Dino blew the whistle on her not going to Belize and Gerald fires her. She admits to Robin she slept with Michael and Robin gives her a tongue lashing for playing with his emotions. Samantha claims she’s jealous and Robin says she’s married. Samantha insults her husband Nick (Pancho Demmings) by calling him lazy. Robin storms off and comes back saying they’ve been married for 10 years through thick and thin because they’re real. She’s not.*
Neyz: Yeah, hear hear.
*Next frame shows Henry hitting up the mental ward. he high fives Dr. Marc and chills with Charley (Bodhi Elfman). Henry admits he’s in love with Samantha only he knows her as Dr.Rosenberg. Henry knows she likes Michael. He asks if he should tell her how he feels. Charley says no, wait for her to fall in love with him*
Warlock: Waiting never works.
*He asks Charley how to get her to fall in love with him. He doesn’t answer, instead we switch to a frantic Samantha running up to Henry at a boardwalk and asking if he’s okay. Apparently Henry told her he was gonna jump, he says he changed his mind. He then asks to go on a date with him and we get a montage of them hanging out at the boardwalk amusement park*
Warlock: Right out of GTA 4.
*Henry takes her to an arcade where they share bonding moments. At sunset, Henry admits he was never going to jump, he just wanted to see her. She forgives him and he admits he really had fun. She asks if he wants a ride home and he says no, he’d rather walk. He says goodbye and asks the giant Tweety Samantha won for him for a goodnight kiss*
Warlock: That’s the only kiss you get when you don’t make your move.
*Samantha visits Dr.Rosenberg and she grills her about Henry. Samantha says he’s not her type and Rosenberg says that’s a good thing. Going after someone that only perpetuates bad behavior is hazardous*
Neyz: She’s loony.
*Samantha says she and Michael had sex and Rosenberg says he’s unfaithful*
Warlock: Bingo! Cheat with you, cheat on you.
*Rosenberg asks her if he’ll cheat with her, why won’t he do it on her*
Warlock: But what do I know?
*Isabelle barges into Dr. Rosenberg’s office while Henry is coming by with flowers and Michael is on his way up*
Warlock: This can’t end now, we got 25 minutes left.
*Isabelle takes a business card and Henry bumps into her. Michael bangs his head in the elevator as Samantha walks up the stairs. Isabelle gets in the elevator and Michael gets off the other one. In the lobby Isabelle calls Dr. Rosenberg’s beeper*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Michael and Henry are sitting on the couch together. Henry tells a bad joke and Michael is disgusted. Samantha says Michael is late and Henry is early. Michael sneers and says “Guess that makes me first.” Samantha asks if Henry wants to come back and he says he’ll wait there. Michael says they broke up because he told Isabelle about them. He calls her insanely jealous and Samantha asks if she has a reason to be, Michael unknowingly says yes. Just as Samantha protests, Henry barges in and says Isabelle was looking for Samantha. Michael and Samantha both pop up but Samantha says her name is Dominique. Michael asks if she’s sleeping with him too and she scoffs. Michael recognizes the huge crush Henry has and tells her he brought flowers. Michael begins to turn heel by calling Henry a serious head case. Henry listens through the air vent and Michael asks if he’s a fag*
Warlock: Wow, he’s turning heel. Say it isn’t so.
*Samantha realizes Henry is in love with her and Michael scoffs. Michael then rips off his shirt and says he wants to fuck, which causes Henry to knock a picture off the wall*
*Michael tries to impose on her but she refuses. She pushes him away and he starts insulting her. She drops to the floor breathing heavy as Michael says his father died on the crapper*
Warlock: Well they had to find some way to turn him heel so Arquette wins in the end.
*Samantha calls out for Henry and Henry kicks the door in. Michael protests as Henry tells her to breathe into a paper bag. Michael “Talk about peas in a pod”
*Isabelle runs in and Michael grabs his shirt. She reveals Samantha is not Dr. Rosenberg. She brings in Louise and Louise reveals Samantha took her place to break them up so she could have Michael to herself. Henry is heartbroken*
Warlock: Who’s the real heel here?
Neyz: Yeah really.
*Henry runs out as two cops go to arrest Samantha. She faints and the next frame sows her back with the cleanup crew*
Warlock: Serves her right.
*Samantha tells Dr. Rosenberg that she has 853 hours of community service to go. She says its a good thing she talked Bob off the ledge or else he would have sent her to prison. Louise asks Samantha what her plans are. She says she lost everyone including Henry. She says she tried to find him but couldn’t. She says she wants Henry but times up. She thanks Louise and shakes her hand. Samantha walks out and the next patient is Mrs. Dopalla who has hired a food slapper*
Warlock: Hahaha that’s hilarious.
*Dapolla says she divorced her husband and her new fiancee Ralph (Norman Fessler) are going to get married when the divorce is final. She says she owes it all to her and Samantha walks away*
Warlock: Define irony.
*Samantha sends a huge basket of flowers to Robin. She bangs nails into a board into the airvent when Robin arrives asking if she knows anything about the two first class tickets to Hawaii she got in the mail. Samantha says she thought they could use them and Robin forgives her. Robin says Samantha’s tongue lashing worked. She and her husband are trying to patch things up. They hug*
Warlock: I think I’m gonna barf.
*Samantha goes to sleep in her bed. Murray joins her*
Neyz: She’s not gonna have sex with the dog is she?
*Samantha goes to get her mail and throws out her ex’s mail. He gets a postcard from Belize from Henry saying wish you were there*
Warlock: Can they end this please?
*Charley delivered the post-card*
Warlock: Hahaha that’s awesome.
*Samantha is taking a flight to Cancun. She starts singing and the ticket taker (Sonia Iris Lozada) helps her on board. A really shitty plane takes off and the pilot (David Gene Gibbs) whacks it with a hammer. Samantha spots Henry and runs after him, but the police stop her. Henry gets on his own private plane and leaves*
Warlock: She’s too late.
*Samantha tells the Go Fish employee (Corinne Reilly) to let her see Henry. Its revealed that Henry is the multibillionaire running Gofish.Com. Samantha says she went through hell to get there. He asks why. She says he sent her the postcard, he says he didn’t and not even postmarked*
*Henry says Charley is behind it.He reveals he pretended to be Charley to fill in for him. Samantha goes to leave but Henry tells her to stay. Samantha says they should think with their hearts. Henry brings her to his office and admits he wished he sent the card. He went to Belize because he thought she wrote the article really well. He admits he loves her and she tells him they can kiss now*
Neyz: So he finally admitted it.
Warlock: Yeah,about time.
*Henry and Samantha get married on the beach. Everyone from the movie is there. Nick and Robin say congrats. Warlock stands and shouts*
Warlock: FORMER ASSISTANT CORONER GERALD JACKSON IN THE HOUSEEEE!!!!
Neyz: You bought this movie just to see him do THAT?
*Ziggy Marley (himself) performs for the reception. Murray is there too.*
Warlock: That’s the real Ziggy Marley.
*Movie ends with them dancing on the beach*
Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give it a 3 out of 10, horrible.
The Warlock’s Assessment:I give it a 4.5, not the greatest romantic comedy I’ve ever seen. It had its moments but was just not her best work.
Final Grade: 4 out of 10 – Bad
*Neyzor Blades rises from the recliner*
Neyz: That movie sucked. If that was supposed to be romantic, that failed miserably. If this is supposed to be NCIS Appreciation Month, you need to start showing better movies….you hear me?
*Warlock is once again passed out on the couch*
Neyz: Oh great….have a pleasant evening.