*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers, a hat that says NCIS on it and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock tilts his head to the side and the ground begins to rumble before he walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight we continue NCIS appreciation month with All Over The Guy, a 2001 romantic comedy featuring a gay couple and a straight couple.
*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard gear. She has a confused look on her face*
Neyz: What does that have to do with NCIS?
Warlock: Absolutely nothing, apart from Sasha Alexander being in it.
Neyz: Really? We’re going to watch this for that reason alone?
*The Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch. Neyz throws her hands up*
Warlock: So let’s get this over with quickly. Let’s put on All Over The Guy.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “4 people, 3 men, 2 couples, do the math”
Neyz: I don’t want to do math.
*Sappy teenybopper song over the credits*
Warlock: This music doesn’t inspire me at all.
*Tom (Richard Ruccolo) makes the bed, cleans up the room and looks around*
Neyz: Look at the box!
*Tom calls Eli (Dan Bucatinsky) who drops the egg he was cooking on the floor*
Neyz: Look what ya did ya sonovabitch! You clumsy oaf.
*Tom grabs his AA book and leaves. Eli rushes to get out the door. Tom lights up a cigarette in his car as Eli puts on glasses. Eli comes in a clinic for test results and Esther (Doris Roberts) is the receptionist*
Neyz: Awwww, rest in piece.
*Eli is an hour early for his appointment. Esther asks if this is first AIDS test and he beats around the bush, Esther gives him shit for it. Then she gets a phone call. She says “Did you suck his dick?” Eli is stunned*
*Tom is at his AA meeting and says he’s 10 days away from his 30 day chip. One of the patrons clap (Hrach Titizian) for him*
Warlock and Neyz: Yayyyy *both stand and clap*
*Tom gives his backstory. Both his parents are drunks but he doesn’t feel like he belongs. He says he’s at the AA meetings because he met Eli. He says “I was all over the guy”
Warlock: Title of the movie.
*Gary (Michael Harris) congratulates Tom in his speech.*
Warlock: Hey look, Sleepstalker.
*Esther asks Eli about Tom. Eli is hesitant but Esther convinces him. Tom talks with Gary about Eli, Eli talks with Esther about Tom. They then tell the story of the movie through flashback*
Warlock: Ah lovely, flashbacks.
*Jackie (Sasha Alexander) calls someone. Warlock stands and shouts*
Warlock: NCIS SPECIAL AGENT KATE TODD IN THE HOUSEEEEE!
*Jackie flips off a car that never appears*
Warlock: The street is totally clean and the sound abruptly cut off.
*Jackie meets Brett (Adam Goldberg) who works at a furniture store. Brett and Jackie share bonding moments as Brett establishes himself as a designer. Jackie imagines him as a fruity pebble and he says he’s NOT gay*
Neyz: A fruity pebble???
*Jackie says Brett is the kind of guy that will flirt with a woman but on a date, the only frenching he’ll do is her french braids*
Warlock: Oh snap.
*Jackie’s best friend is Tom, Brett’s best friend is Eli. Brett hooks Eli up with Tom on a blind date. Brett says Jackie has KB. Eli “Killer butt?” Brett “No,killer boobs”
Warlock: I gotta steal that line.
*Eli tells Esther in real time that he went on a date. Montage of Eli dressing up*
Neyz: There ya go, that’s hot.
*Tom smokes in front of Eli. Tom then orders two martinis and Eli is stunned*
Neyz: Why is this such an awkward sandwich?
*Eli awkwardly makes conversation talking about the movie In and Out. Tom rips it to shreds which stuns Eli. Eli “I’m not gonna mention The Birdcage”
Neyz: I love Birdcage.
*Tom admits he’s seen Family 15 times as Eli lights his cigarette for him. Eli “Wow, KE” Eli tries to downplay it. Tom acts sad but Eli says “killer eyes”
Neyz: These guys are such bitches.
*Tom and Eli depart awkwardly. Later Eli complains to Brett. Tom complains to Jackie. Eli says he’s never going to meet the one.*
Neyz: Hahaha the one.
*Eli “I just look at myself and I cum”. Brett “Eww”
Neyz and Warlock: Hahaha
*Eli and Tom spot each other at the flea market. They have another awkward conversation. Eli is looking for a Cornelius action figure from Planet of The Apes. Tom laughs at him and Eli is mad. Tom apologizes and they agree to go have coffee. Meanwhile Brett and Jackie get it on*
Warlock: That was quick.
*Eli discusses Planet of The Apes is what made him gay, while Tom has a flashback of his youth. His younger self (Blaise Garza) brings martinis to his parents. Tom wants to be a teacher, his mom laughs at him*
*Eli has a flashback of his parents. His mom Ellen (Andrea Martin) teaches young Eli (Ben Foreman) and young Rayna (Sydney Foreman) as Eli’s father David (Tony Abatemarco) looks on*
Warlock: Ha, Andrea Martin.
*Eli says “I don’t see penis and vagina. I say pee-pee and wh0-who” Tom “Hopefully more pee-pee” A minute later Tom kisses Eli*
Neyz: Ahhhhh, I can’t handle it.
*They start making out meanwhile Jackie and Brett share pillow talk*
Neyz: What is with the abbreviations.
*Brett pulls out a pillow. “What on God’s earth is this?”
Neyz: He didn’t feel that before?
*Tom tries to do the run of shame but Eli catches him. Tom is remorseful*
Warlock: The run of shame. We’ve all been there.
Neyz: Speak for yourself.
*Tom runs by Brett leaving Eli’s place*
Warlock: I don’t think he knows who that is.
*Tom goes on dial up internet to look for Planet of The Apes toys*
Warlock: Dial up never moved that first.
Neyz: Not even close.
*Eli and Brett share banter about getting laid. Brett’s brother Mitch (Bev Land) butts in and Eli shuts him up*
Warlock: Are you cranky?
*Jackie has Marie (Lisa Kudrow) read a commercial jingle*
Neyz: She’s still Phoebe.
Warlock: Yeah, she does have the same routine.
*Jackie yells at Marie to have more energy. Tom is stunned. “You are so mean.”
*Jackie and Brett fool Eli and Tom into going on a double date. Tom “Jackie is a piece of work.” Eli “Brett is a lying sack of shit.”
*Jackie and Brett start fighting as Eli and Tom plan to leave. They go to leave and notice Jackie and Brett making out. Eli “Guess they made up.”
*Eli makes a typo, misspelling apprehended with apprehinded. Tom “What’s that, they grab the guy on the ass?”
Warlock: Something like that.
*Eli and Tom share martinis*
Warlock: Like on MASH?
*Eli’s mom tells him over the phone how to do a self testicular check. Tom is excited*
*Eli bites Tom to pick up the phone. His mom tells him to do the exam with Tom. Eli is embarrassed. Next day he’s with his sister Rayna (Christina Ricci). Rayna says Ellen is so fucked up that she wanted Rayna to tape her “first time” for research*
Warlock: I’d love to see that tape.
*Rayna and Eli share bonding moments discussing Tom. Now we get a montage of Eli and Tom dating. Eli and Tom discuss sex and love*
*Tom rubs Eli’s shoulders. Eli says Tom smells good and Tom freaks out. Eli goes on a rant and Tom wants to take it slow. Back in real time, Eli tells Esther the rest of the story. Eli is with his parents, who bully him into talking*
Neyz: I’m wicked creeped out.
*Ellen and Daniel see In and Out on and repeat everything that Tom said earlier*
Warlock: Hahaha that’s hilarious.
*Brett makes Jackie breakfast in bed. Brett proposes and Jackie says “Oh shit” Brett “Um?” Jackie “No, I’ll marry you. I just don’t want people to think I said yes because I’m pregnant” Brett “Wait, what??”
Neyz: Oh my godddddd
*Jackie tells Tom he’s her best man because she’s getting married. Tom agrees. We fast forward to wedding invitations being mailed. We get another montage only that Tom is avoiding Jackie and Eli. Eli imagines Tom seeing someone else*
Neyz: Wait what?
Warlock: He just imagined the whole thing.
*Eli hears music coming from Tom’s place. He sneaks in but Tom’s new boyfriend calls the cops on him. Eli is arrested*
Warlock: Ok maybe he DIDN’T imagine it.
*Tom wakes up the next morning and does the run of shame. Meanwhile he calls Jackie and apologizes. The guy he was with has “eight wonder” tattooed on his dick. Meanwhile Eli watches Gone With The Wind*
Warlock: Rhett Butler you suck!
*Tom watches Gone With The Wind and the scene cuts. Tom then calls Eli who stonefaces him. Eli hangs up on him. Meanwhile Rayna is on his side. Eli says he’s going to change, Rayna doesn’t want him to. Eli reluctantly agrees to go baby gift shopping with Tom*
*Eli has a flashback of his parents forcing him to say vagina over and over*
Warlock: Hahahahaa this is fucked.
*Tom pretends to be Fuzzy Wuzzy the bear*
Warlock: Fuzzy Wuzzy is best supporting actor.
*Eli and Tom get in argument over the Fuzzy Wuzzy limmerick*
Warlock: I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen someone get this upset over the Fuzzy Wuzzy rhyme.
*Jackie has her baby shower. Rachael (Nicole Tocatins) and Lizz (Julie Claire) are there. A male stripper (Chris Gann) performs. Both Tom and Eli like what they see too. Tom starts talking to him and Eli doesn’t like it*
Warlock: Oh for the love of Pete.
*Lizz “I’ve been kind of bad myself”
*Eli drives away in a huff*
Neyz: What is his deal?
Warlock: He’s too uptight and Tom is too loose.
*Pizza Guy (Donnie Land) drops a pizza off for Eli. Eli finds a bag with it*
Neyz: Its a bag of shit!
*The bag is actually holding the Planet of the Apes figure Eli always wanted. Tom got it for him. Meanwhile in real time, Tom tells Gary and Eli tells Esther how they got it on*
Warlock: Why are you sniffing yourself?
Neyz: I’m not.
*Tom is on top of Eli and kisses him,while pumping*
Warlock: What the hell is he pumping?
Neyz: He doesn’t have a vag, that don’t work.
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Tom and Eli wake up together. Tom says he has to meet HIS parents for brunch and invites Eli. Tom’s mother Lydia (Joanna Kerns) and father Jim (Nicholas Surovy). Lydia seems sweet but Jim seems nervous*
*Jim causes a scene and drags a reluctant Lydia away. Tom reveals he has a sister that has F.A.S. and he flips out on Eli. Eli storms off and we’re back in real time. Esther “Pish!”
Neyz: Heh! Pish! Suck balls.
*Tom hits the bathroom and Gary follows him. Gary goes to rape Tom in the bathroom while Eli says he’s negative. He and Esther share a wonderful moment. Esther “Have you ever seen me on the fucking Psychic News Channell”
*Esther reveals her husband is dying of cancer so she rags on him so he doesn’t feel like he’s dying*
*Jackie notices Tom has a bruise and Tom says he got it from Gary. Jackie gives him shit for being mean to Eli and leaves. Tom then sees Eli has been arrested in the police blotter. Meanwhile Brett tries to talk Eli into being his best man the day of his wedding because Eli is afraid of seeing Tom. Meanwhile Mitch flails about in his tux*
Warlock: Jesus H Christ.
*At the bridal party, Tom is having second thoughts of what he said about Eli. Jackie says she was wrong about him. She says he’s probably the one guy that could never be committed and still be happy. As the vows are being made, Eli and Tom eyeball each other as Jackie and Brett are officially married*
Neyz: Awwwww, babe.
*Everyone dances at the wedding but Tom and Eli look at each other awkwardly. They have an awkward conversation and Eli walks away. Then they start making fun of everyone. Eli figures out Tom and gives him the biggest tongue lashing of his life. They get into a huge argument. Tom tells Eli that he has no idea what fighting parents are about. He says “Fuck you” and leaves.
Warlock: 8 minutes, almost there. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel.
*Later on Tom asks what Eli wants. Eli wants to love him and Tom showly breaks down. Tom finally kisses him*
Neyz: Love, hate, love,hate. Make up your minds.
Neyz: Are they gay in real life?
Warlock: Eli is, Tom isn’t.
*Jackie and Brett show up to talk to Eli and Tom. Brett “I’m really smashed, I think I just made out with the rabbi”
*Brett talks Eli and Tom into dancing together. The movie ends with them discussing Gone With The Wind*
Warlock: Yes….its over…..we made it.
Neyzor Blades Assessment: Not one of the worst but they needed to make up their minds. 5 out of 10
The Warlock’s Assessment: Yeah the whole “love,hate, love, hate” thing was irritating. I give it a 5 out of 10, because it did make me laugh quite a bit.
Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was the definition of average. Nothing good, nothing overly bad, right down the middle. It had its moments but the whole love, hate, love hate storyline should be reserved for teenagers that don’t know what the hell they’re doing, not grown 30 year old men. I’m glad they left a lot of sterotypical stuff out and focused on the characters themselves, which is progress really. Well that about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Join us next time for our next NCIS tribute.