*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a gray wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates before walking inside*
Warlock: Tonight we are watching a good movie.
*Mr. America pops out of the recliner stunned. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: A good movie? What’s a good movie?
Warlock: Well we’re going to find out. It’s a Governor Arnold special known as Collateral Damage*
America: Wow, a movie I’ve actually heard of. Its a miracle.
*America sits back down as Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s waste no time, Collateral Damage!
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “After his family is killed by a terrorist act, a firefighter goes in search of the one responsible.”
America: He better be a retired vet or something, otherwise what the hell is a firefighter doing?
*Opening credits set to a dark montage*
Warlock: This looks dark.
Warlock: No, in a good way.
America: Oh ok.
*Gordy Brewer (Arnold Schwarzenegger) leads his team to tackle a 5 alarm blaze and a tenement building. He jumps down a hole to save a disabled grandmother much to the protest of his team*
America: Here I come to save the dayyyyyyyyyyyyy
*Gordy rescues the lady…..and we cut to his wife Anne (Lindsay Frost) waking up. Gordy is playing with his son Matt (Ethan Dampf). They establish character development between the family*
America: That was a HORRIBLE plane. The stand would have grounded it! It had the flying characteristics of a rock!
*Anne takes Matt to an outdoor cafe. A suspicious motorcycle cop (Cliff Curtis) goes around giving people tickets. Gordy parks his car and tells him that he’s going to pick up his son*
America: I’ve seen him somewhere before.
Warlock: Deep Rising.
*A bunch of delegates enter the Columbian Embassy when a bomb goes off in the cafe. Matt and Anne are killed and a cabbie runs over Gordy*
*Gordy is led away as Brandt (Elias Koteas) and Phibbs (Miguel Sandoval) argue over who did it. Jack (Michael Milohan) and Junior (Raymond Cruz) stop by to say hi to Gordy in the hospital. Ronnie (Rick Worthy) walks in and asks how Gordy is doing*
America: How do you THINK he’s doing?
*Gordy figures that he saw the motorcycle cop and walks off with the IVs still attached, the others try to stop him*
Warlock: Good luck with that.
*Gordy is brought in and the cop is identified as Claudio Perrini. He’s possibly known as El Lobo or “The Wolf”. Gordy starts getting emotional saying it should have been him. Brandt promises to catch the sonofabitch that did it. Brandt gives him his card to get ahold of him. Next scene is the burial with a bagpipe band playing amazing grace*
America: They better say this guy is a vet, otherwise I’ll find it hard to believe when he turns into a one man army later.
Warlock: Yeah really, when he starts knowing how to use every weapon and wipes out the terrorist cell by himself.
*Gordy watches El Lobo on TV claim responsibility and demand the US withdraw from Columbia. Ephraim-Ortiz Dominguez (John Verea) sympathizes with the Columbian terrorists and say the death of Gordy’s family was just collateral damage. Enraged, Gordy comes to Dominguez’ office and starts tearing the place up*
Warlock: At least this is believable, vet or not.
*Gordy goes to beat Dominguez’ brain in with a baseball bat when Agent Collins and the FBI runs in, tazes him and takes him into custody peacefully*
Warlock: At least they didn’t shoot him.
*Senator Devereaux (Michael Cavanaugh) gives Brandt a tongue lashing for the Columbia mission. Senator terminates the mission and Brandt is pissed. He’s asked to find El Lobo via satellite instead of going into the trenches. Meanwhile, he gets a call from Gordy. Gordy asks what the deal is and Brandt say they want to go after him but are held back by political red tape*
Warlock: Gotta love political red tape.
*Brandt takes a chopper to Columbia. He meets up at the CIA station. Meanwhile Jack brings Ed Coonts (J Kenneth Campbell) over to Gordy’s house*
America: This is gonna go two ways. They’re either going to cheer him on to dispense his own justice or talk him out of it, “Are you crazy, you’ll never make it!” Place your bets now!
Warlock: I say they’re gonna go for it.
*Coonts tells him he won’t be able to do it since he’s on the restricted list. He tells him what he can or can’t do, Gordy goes over a battle plan. He says he’s going to Valencia. Coonts says he’ll be a marked man*
Warlock: I guess I won the bet.
America: I never said which way they’re going.
*Once in Columbia, Gordy hops on a bus only it gets stopped on a roadblock. The border patrol spots the refugees and open fire with AK-47’s. Gordy punches out one of them to save a few women*
Warlock: What a hero.
*Gordy runs into the jungle and slides down a vine into a river amidst a hail of bullets*
Warlock: GET TO THE CHOPPAH!!
America: Wrong movie.
Warlock: Oh yeah.
*Gordy falls down a waterfall and is unharmed*
Warlock: Oh yeah, very realistic.
*The border patrol finds Gordy’s passport and brings it to Brandt. Brandt says find him before he’s found dead. Meanwhile Claudio down in Columbia is the leader of a guerilla group. He gets intel that Gordy is down there. He tells his team to find him and hold him for ransom*
America: What did you think was going to happen? They’re going to bake him a cake for trying to kill them?
*A local watch scammer spots Gordy and tells the authorities. Meanwhile two guys nearly wipe out Selena (Franseca Neri) and her son Mauro (Tyler Posey). They yell at her but Gordy gets in between them, stares the guys down and they go away. Meanwhile Claudio’s team sneaks up on Gordy as he introduces himself to the woman and child*
America: ….is afoot!
*The cops spot the guerilla’s and a small shootout ends with Gordy arrested. Sean Armstrong (John Turturro) gets arrested himself and he’s thrown in the jail cell with Gordy. He introduces himself and they get some bonding moments in. He’s a Canadian*
Warlock: Tu parle francais?
America: Watch your mouth.
*Gordy figures out Sean works undercover. They agree to work together. Meanwhile Brandt figures out he’s been arrested and goes to collect him*
America: Well they’ve established he’s just a normal joe, he really should be dead. Or soon to be.
*The guerilla’s storm the jail*
Warlock: My guess is they’re coming to bust out their mates and kill Gordy.
America: Pretty sure that’s the plan.
Warlock: Well it won’t work, too early in the movie.
*The guerillas led by Claudio wipe out the jail guards. They bust out their mates but let Gordy live believing the fire will claim him. The guerilla’s retreat as Gordy catches a guard and steals his power saw. Gordy refuses to bust Armstrong out unless he gets his pass. Sean gives it up and then Gordy busts him out*
Warlock: Good thinking Gordy.
*Brandt looks over the wreckage of the jail and says to find Gordy. Meanwhile Sean and Gordy make a run for it through the sewers. Sean says to find a man named Felix Ramirez (John Leguizamo) and say Gordy replaced him. Later on a boat takes Gordy through villages down the river. Dead bodies are everywhere, Gordy is stunned. Guerilla’s did it*
America: Nice hat!
*A guerrilla boat comes up and interrogates Gordy*
America: Congratulations, you got yourself an armed escort.
*Ramirez is introduced to Gordy and they exchange unpleasantness. Felix has to convince the guard to let him through. Gordy proclaims himself to be a German engineer. Gordy and Felix share bonding moments as Felix raps much to Gordy’s chagrin*
Warlock: Oh god…really?
*Felix makes Gordy wear a hood so they don’t see where they’re going. Ramirez takes him to a cocaine plant. Felix says he can’t crank his coke out without his generator work. Gordy says he’ll make it work. He takes his shirt off*
Warlock: The obligatory shirt toss.
America: Uh huh.
*The guard is brought before Claudio when discovered he let Gordy through. Claudio unleashes a venomous snake to kill him*
Warlock: What a way to go.
*A montage shows Gordy making makeshift explosives out of random objects*
Warlock: Still not explaining how he knows how to do all this stuff.
*Ramirez leads the Guerrilla Commander around the compound looking for Gordy who then starts tossing his explosives, blowing the coke up. Commander shoots Ramirez dead*
Warlock: So much for him.
*Gordy hides under the guerrilla truck as it makes its way back to base*
*The Commander and Claudio argue that its not safe. Claudio sends him away. Gordy sticks his head out of the truck*
Warlock: Oh sweet jesus, we still got 46 minutes to go.
*Gordy goes to blow up the base when Selena and Mauro walk by. Gordy tackles and saves them from being blown as Claudio jumps out of the building for safety. Claudio kicks Gordy and goes to shoot him but Selena stops him. The guerrillas drag Gordy away as Claudio stomps around*
Warlock: Oh boy, a swerve.
*Selena nurses Gordy to health. Selena reveals she’s Claudio’s wife. Right on cue, Claudio barges in. He kicks Selena out and they have the one on one speech battle. Gordy says he’s gonna pay for killing his wife and son. Claudio asks what the difference between them is since they will kill for a cause. Gordy says the difference is he’s only going to kill him, no kids. Gordy attacks Claudio and gets the upperhand so Commander calls for Esteban. Gordy bites Esteban’s ear off but Commander knocks him out with the butt of the AK-47*
Warlock: Ok that was cool.
America: Tyson would be proud.
*Selena and Claudio argue over why to keep Gordy alive*
Warlock: Marriage counseling is right out the window.
*Brandt and his team goes over the satellite feed of the explosion. Brandt says they’re going to go in and get Claudio under the pretense of a rescue mission. Meanwhile Gordy asks why Selena cares. She said Gordy saved her son and Gordy counters with Claudio killed his. Selena says their oldest daughter was killed by guerrillas under orders by Americans and died in Claudio’s arms. They took Mauro in when his family was killed. Gordy says to help him stop Claudio and Selena says its too late*
Warlock: Well at least we got good backstory.
*Brandt and his American team fly by Huey toward the guerrilla compound. Meanwhile Selena packs a bag and tells Gordy that Claudio’s gone to Washington to plant another bomb. She begs Gordy for help. Selena busts Gordy out as the Americans show up. A huge shootout commences with the Americans blowing away everything in sight. Selena, Mauro and Gordy are trapped in a minefield. The Americans hear one of the mines go off and they investigate. Brandt finds the dead body of the Commander. One of the American team attacks Gordy before he’s killed by a landmine. Brandt brags about what he’s done when Gordy says Claudio has escaped. Brandt looks pissed as Gordy says Selena and Mauro are the only ones that can identify him*
Warlock: Is this the big ending?
*Back in America, the CIA hear another message from El Lobo saying a bomb will go off in Washington. Brandt’s team, Gordy, Selena and Mauro are brought in to find Claudio. Phipps (Miguel Sandoval) and Dray (Harry Lennix) are ready for battle. Agent Russo (Jane Lynch) goes over her computer feed.
Warlock: Hey look its Jane Lynch as an extra.
America: Yeah really.
*Gordy calls Brandt an asshole*
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Claudio’s team gets ready. Selena claims she knows where the bomb is going to be planted. Secretary Ramsey (Millie Slavin) thanks Selena for her help. Selena identifies Claudio and Gordy figures out he’s gonna blow a train station at rush hour*
Warlock: That’s going to be a hell of a commute to anyone that lives.
America: She’s going to be a trainwreck of emotions.
Warlock: I see what you did there.
*Selena asks Russo to lead her to the bathroom. Gordy is puzzled as she nearly smacks Mauro before leaving. Gordy then realizes that Claudio isn’t El Lobo…its SELENA. Gordy runs off after her as a bum opens up a briefcase, its empty. Selena then snaps Russo’s neck and steals her gun*
Warlock: So much for Jane Lynch.
*Selena escapes with Russo’s gun as Gordy finds Russo’s body. Its revealed Selena was the trigger the whole time. Gordy realizes Mauro’s toy dinosaur is the bomb. Selena detonates it just as Gordy heaves it out a window. A lot of glass is shattered but no lives are lost*
Warlock: What a narrow escape.
*Brandt runs down to the lobby to catch Selena. She’s ready with a gun and so is Brandt. The door opens and Brandt opens fire….hitting nothing. Selena pops out and shoots Brandt in the head. Meanwhile Gordy rides down the elevator shaft in hot pursuit*
America: He took a wrong angle.
*Selena and Gordy fight in the elevator shaft before Selena escapes. She runs and jumps on the back of Claudio’s bike. They ride off before Gordy can catch them. Gordy traps them inside the station briefly by shutting all the doors electronically. Gordy then takes an axe to cut open all the gas lines*
Warlock: What the hell?
America: He’s opening the gas lines in case they fire. We’ll see subterranean fireworks rarely seen.
*Gordy stands in their way and says its over. Selena fires at him igniting the flame. They both perish in the fire while Gordy miraculously makes it to safety even though they were on a bike and he was on foot*
Warlock: Wouldn’t he have died in the blast?
America: Should have!
*Selena and Claudio pop up and attack Gordy. He takes Claudio down and throws Selena’s head through a switchboard, electrocuting her. Claudio goes to detonate the second bomb and asks when Gordy s going to kill him. Gordy screams now and heaves a pick axe and catches Claudio in the heart. He’s dead. Gordy walks out alive and Mauro runs up to hug him. End credits*
Warlock: Yay…a happy ending I guess.
America: Ummmm…not entirely. The boy lost his parents, again.
Mr. America’s assessment: Not too bad. Fairly decent. 6.5 out of 10
The Warlock’s assessment: Fairly decent is right. I’ll go with 6.5 with the point 5 being that Jane Lynch bought it.
Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very good.
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: See? I told you it would be a good movie.
America: Yeah, okay. You got one this time, I’m just waiting for the next 8-pack to drop in.
Warlock: Not gonna happen, we got GOOD movies lined up.
America: I’m gonna have the big one.
Warlock: Oh not just yet, wait till you see what we have in store next time. Until next time folks, have a pleasant evening.