*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wife beater, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a shot glass of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock makes the building shake and enters the lair. Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: What was that?
Warlock: Telephone repairman. Anyway, tonight’s terror tale is Sleepaway Camp, the 1983 thriller about a sleepaway camp where murder is priority number one.
America: There seemed to be a lot of those in the 1980’s.
Warlock: Yeah, and people wonder why camps like that died off not too long after.
*Warlock sits on the couch*
Warlock: So without further adieu, its time for Sleepaway Camp.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Angela Baker, a traumatized and very shy young girl, is sent to summer camp with her cousin. Shortly after her arrival, anyone with sinister or less than honorable intentions gets their comeuppance.”
America: So the killer is a babyface?
Warlock: Sounds good to me.
*Opening credits over a lake setting*
America: That’s one empty dock.
Warlock: I don’t know any of these people.
*Some boy “Hey get away from me with that pail of water, I’ll kill ya”
*Sign; “Camp Arawak for sale”
Warlock: Want to buy a Camp?
America: I don’t know but you know what rhymes with Arwak?
America: Heart attack, which none of these people will die from.
*Brother and sister Peter (Maximo Gianfranco Sorrentino) and Angela (Colette Lee Corcoran) are yelling at each other”
Warlock: Typical kids.
*Craig (Paul Poland) and Mary-Anne (Alyson Mord) yell at each other as Dolores (Carol Robinson) waterskis. The kids tip the dad’s boat over*
Warlock: He took a dip.
America: And killed the boat.
*The father is named John (Dari Tursi) and he and the kids have to meet Doc (John Churchill). Meanwhile Mary-Anne runs over John and kills him and Peter. Angela is distraught. 8 years later an older Angela (Felissa Rose) and Ricky (Jonathan Tiersten) are off to camp. Ricky’s mom (Desiree Gould) acts horribly*
Warlock: She can’t act.
*Maintenance guys drool over young girls. Artie (Owen Hughes) says no such thing as too young*
America: Wow. Movie, do me a favor and kill him first.
*Paul (Christopher Collet) runs up to Ricky and says hi. Angela blows Paul off and Ricky says she’s just shy. Paul says “Wait till you get a load of Judy (Karen Fields)”
*Ricky spots Judy and she’s talking to 3 buff dudes. She blows him off. Ricky “Guess I’m not good enough for her.” Later Ricky confronts Judy and says “Well excuseeeeee me”
Warlock: That’s better
*Meg (Kathernine Kamhi) and Susie (Susan Glaze) are introduced. Judy yells at Angela for no reason. Meg and Judy insult her and we cut*
Warlock: Establishing the heels early.
*Angela hasn’t eaten and Ronnie (Paul DeAngelo) wonders what’s wrong. Meg and Judy sit down and Ronnie takes her into the kitchen. Ronnie introduces her to Artie*
Warlock: Oh shit.
America: The guy who needs to die.
*Mel (Mike Kellin) is on the phone and Ronnie leaves. Artie starts hitting on her. Ricky wants to know where Angela is. Meg asks Ricky what her deal is. Ricky tells her to back off. Meg “If she were any quieter she’d be dead*
Warlock: I heard that.
*Artie takes Angela into the storage closet and corners her. He goes to take his pants off but Ricky catches them. Artie bangs Ricky against the wall and says don’t tell anyone. Ricky runs out and Artie tells Mel he thinks they scared him*
Warlock: He needs to be fired immediately.
*Artie stays behind as the others leave because he has to cook up the corn cobs*
Warlock: This is making me hungry.
*Some unknown kid pushes Artie into the boiler and he screams, dying of burns. Ben (Robert Earl Jones) runs in and Artie continues to scream as he’s wheeled out on a gurney*
Warlock: Well he didn’t die.
America: Good enough I guess.
*Mel and Ronnie talk, Mel wants this hushed up so nobody arouses suspicion.*
Warlock: Hell be next.
*Mel hushes everyone up by bribing them*
Warlock: A fantastic day for capitalism.
*Ricky tells Mozart (Willy Kuskin) to do situps using mind over matter*
Warlock: I don’t mind and this movie doesn’t matter.
*Gene (Frank Trent Saladino) rallies the boys for a softball game. Ricky gets a clean single*
Warlock: Lashed into right field for a single.
*Paul hits a 2 run double*
Warlock: What a shot.
*Billy (Loris Sallahian) tells Ricky to eat shit and die. He hits a pop up to Mozart who catches the ball and falls down. Ricky’s team is winning 8-6.*
America: There’s your score.
*Paul and Ricky turn a game ending double play. Gene’s team taunts them all. Billy says they’ll get them back*
Warlock: A plot is afoot.
*Billy “I’ve been watching Angela all week and she is fucked up!”
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Billy calls Angela a nutcake as Mel walks in. Gene and Meg talk. Paul and Ricky walk in and Ricky gets into it with Kenny (John E Dunn). Ricky says he’s gonna kick their fuckin ass before Gene separates them. He sends Ricky away as Paul tries his luck with Angela. He tells her stories as Judy looks on concerned. Gene comes back for Paul and Paul says goodnight. She says goodnight*
Warlock: She speaks!
America: She just made that kid’s night.
*Billy wants to go skinnydipping with the older boys. Billy and his crew strips naked and dive in, the older girls are not impressed. Betsy (Julie Delisio) wants no part of it. Kenny is getting stoned with his friend Mike (Thomas E van Dell) and he asks Betsy for a canoe ride. She refuses but Leslie (Lisa Buckler) goes with them. He tries to scare her and tips them both over. Leslie “You bastard, I hate you!”
Warlock: He’s got all the charm of a freckled trout.
*Leslie swims off and Kenny swims inside the tipped over canoe. Leslie swims ashore and they all make fun of her. Meanwhile Kenny is still inside the canoe. Meanwhile a brunette girl pops in the canoe and drowns Kenny*
Warlock: Is that Angela or Judy?
America: I want to say Angela but it could be a twist.
*Billy calls out for Kenny but can’t find him. He walks off and the canoe remains tipped over*
Warlock: Didn’t even try to look for him huh?
*Gene finds Kenny’s corpse the next day. Its hauled off in a body bag*
Warlock: Well this put a damper on the weekend.
*Mel once again refuses to shut the camp down when Officer Frank (Allen Breton) wants to know how Kenny died. Ronnie tells Frank that Mel’s under stress. Ronnie says Kenny was a pretty damn good swimmer, Frank says he hopes he’s wrong*
Warlock: Lawsuit central coming up.
*Paul talks to Angela some more and Judy looks on pissed. Meg and Judy plot a scheme*
Warlock: Catty bitches.
*Meg yells at her and Susie tells Meg to quit it. Susie “Is there anything you’d like to do?”
Warlock: Kill those motherfuckers.
America: Yeah really.
*The kids exit the movie looking pissed. Paul and Angela are hand in hand and Judy blows off Ricky again. Paul wants to show Angela something*
Warlock: Holy shit.
*Paul kisses Angela on the cheek and asks for another one. He pecks her and Angela walks away*
Warlock: I give him an A for effort. Theoretically he has all summer to work on it.
*Judy throws herself at Paul and he blows her off*
*Ricky’s crew pulls the shaving cream trick on Mozart*
Warlock: Never fails.
*Mozart pulls a knife and chases Ricky, Gene walks in and asks if Mozart is crazy. Ricky defends him saying he’s just kidding. Gene tells everyone to get to bed, including “loverby” as Paul walks in. He throws something and he’s showered with thrown pillows at him. Gene and the boys all pile on*
Warlock: So this is the shit we missed when we were kids huh?
America: Missing out on a chance to be murdered?
Warlock: Yeah, sounds fun. Kiss a girl before you die, hopefully.
*Paul sneaks up on Angela and they talk. Judy walks up and Paul tells her to get lost. Paul “She’s such a jerk sometimes, isn’t she?”
America: That’s an understatement.
*Meg walks up. Paul “Uh oh, here comes the wicked witch of the west”. Meg yells at her and asks if she can swim. Angela doesn’t answer. Meg screams at her and shakes her. Ronnie shows up and comes to Angela’s defense, tells Meg to see him later. Meanwhile Angela looks at Judy. Judy throws a pillow at her. She says “Gimmie that” and takes it back*
America: You just gave it to her.
*Judy asks why Angela doesn’t take a shower with the rest of them. Judy taunts her and Susie comes to Angela’s defense. Judy tells Susie to fuck off and Susie slaps her*
America: You deserved that.
*Billy’s crew throws water balloons at each other until they see Angela going by. Billy naills her with one. Ricky runs out and insults them all, calls them all out. Paul checks on Angela as Mel restrains him*
Warlock: Good ol teenage hijinx.
*Ricky “Those cocksuckers keep picking on my cousin.” Mel says Billy’s crew and Ricky are all barred from Canteen for a week. Angela is traumatized as Billy’s crew departs*
Warlock: This can’t be good.
*Billy goes to take a dump by himself as someone bars the door with a pole*
*Somebody cuts through the the screen with a knife and throws a bees nest into the stall. He screams and dies, covered in bees*
Warlock: Why didn’t he just climb over the stall?
America: Why didn’t he just go under?
Warlock: He couldn’t have been dead that quickly? The bees couldn’t do that much damage.
*Mel says they’re finished. Ronnie says there’s a killer on the loose. Ronnie says he’s being silly. Mel is convinced there’s a murderer*
Warlock: He said “he”, the plot thickens!
*Someone sneaks up on Angela, its Paul. Angela thought it was the killer. Paul takes he to the lake. They kiss on the lake and she pushes him down. Paul “Wait till I get my hands on you”
Warlock: Awww isn’t this cute?
*Paul goes for second base and she has a flashback of her childhood. Young Angela and Peter point at each other. She throws Paul off and runs away*
Warlock: That was weird.
*Next day, Gene explains the rules for Capture The Flag*
Warlock: Love how Kenny and Billy are dead and the kids don’t give a shit.
*Paul confronts Angela why she picked him off. Paul goes to give her a hug and she blows him off. Judy walks up and says to let her go. Judy calls her small and Paul “What do you know?” Judy “I know a lot of things”
Warlock: You know nothing.
*Ricky runs up to Angela and says he’s got the perfect plan to win the game*
Warlock: What a general.
*Ricky and Angela run through the woods*
America: NOTHING TO SEE HERE! YOU ARE ALL COLORBLIND. I’M NOT WEARING THE ENEMIES COLOR!
*Ricky says his plan is foolproof*
*Judy makes out with Paul as both Angela and Ricky catch them. Angela runs off and Paul follows her. Ricky calls Judy a scumbag. Paul wants to sit next to Angela*
America: Oh, time for the apology.
*Paul “I don’t know what happened.”
America: I do, you kissed her.
*Judy sneers at them and taunts Angela that Paul called her a prude. He walks away and Judy says to get in the water*
Warlock: She’s got a six pack.
*Mel talks with Ricky as Judy continues to taunt her. Meg comes up and joins in. Meg picks her up and throws her in. Ricky spots her and Mel holds him back, claiming Ricky’s the killer. Ronnie restrains Mel and Ricky runs in and saves Angela. Ricky “We won’t let them get away with this. I promise”
*Eddie (Fred Greene) has to take the younger ones on a camping trip. Joey (Bran Frankel) gives the counselors a night off. Meanwhile Meg asks Mel out for dinner at 9:30*
*Meg tells Judy she has a date that night. Meg has nowhere to shower so she goes next door. Angela gives her the death glare. Meg showers next door alone and creepy music picks up*
Warlock: Saw that coming a mile away.
*Someone walks up and stabs, kills Meg. Turns shower off and rinses off the knife*
America: Yeah she’ll live through this….yeah right.
Warlock: Ohhhh yeah.
*Eddie grabs a hatchet and tells the kids to set up. Paul walks up to Angela and asks where Ricky is. She’s looking for him. Paul apologizes again and Judy shoves them out of the way*
Warlock: Notice she’s always there to poke at them?
*Angela “Meet me at the waterfront after the social”
*The little twerps tell Eddie they want to go back. He says fine and tell them to get to the car. Someone takes the hatchet. Meanwhile Mike and Judy are making out when Mel walks in looking for Meg. She tells him to go next door. He leaves and Mike pops up and says he has to leave*
*Mike leaves and she calls him a chickenshit*
*Mel finds Meg dead and says Ricky dead it. He babbles on about stopping Ricky”
Warlock: This guy can’t act.
*Someone sneaks up on Judy and lays her out with a right cross. Whoever it is pushes her in bed and takes the hair straightener. The killer uses it to strangle and kill Judy*
Warlock: Oh well.
*Eddie walks back and all the kids are dead. He pukes*
Warlock: What the hell?
*Eddie runs off for help as Ricky wants to go to the Canteen. Jeff (Rick Edrich) lets him in to get something to eat. Ricky walks off and somebody snatches him. Ronnie gets a call from Eddie and is freaked out. Mel starts slapping and beating up Ricky. Ronnie tells Marie (Dee Dee Friedman) to round everyone up. Mel wanders off and gets an arrow to the throat by an unknown assassin*
Warlock: Good, fuck that piece of shit.
*Susie says Angela and Judy are missing, Paul and Ricky too*
Warlock: There’s at least 2 killers.
*Paul is on the waterfront waiting for Angela. She demands Paul to take his clothes off. He strips naked. Meanwhile Officer Frank and Gene look for others. He finds the candy bar Ricky was eating. They find Ricky and he’s alive*
Warlock: Mel sucks at killing people.
*Somebody screams and Marie has found Meg dead*
Warlock: Shit hath hitteth, the fan.
*Susie and Ronnie look for Paul, Angela, Ricky and Judy. Ronnie hears a voice and its Angela. She’s naked and holding Paul. We get another flashback of Ricky’s Mom taking in Angela after John and Peter died….only its not Angela. It was PETER! Peter was the survivor of the motorboat accident, not Angela and Peter’s been Angela the whole time. Back to real time, Peter drops Paul’s head on the ground and is covered and blood. He stands up (Archie Liberace) and screams, his penis is shown. Ronnie “How can it be? Angela is a boy! End credits*
Warlock: THAT WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!
Mr. America’s assessment: I give it a 4, great twist but aside from that, not that good.
The Warlock’s assessment: I give it an 8 out of 10. Classic slasher with an AWESOME twist. Can’t watch it twice but holy shit is this a fun movie.
Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Wow….that was…wow. Did NOT see that twist coming even though we should have. That’s incredible.
*America watches the opening scene again*
America: Ohhhhh I get it now.
Warlock: Yeah, about time too.
America: They threw a fastball by us, I can’t believe it.
Warlock: Yeah, I’m impressed. Anyway that about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.