*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wife beater, gargoyle shades, white sneakers and blue jeans. He’s holding a glass of Pepsi*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock waves his hand and the camera shoots backwards before being pulled forward. Warlock walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight’s tale is of lies, romance and deceit. Its….
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Oh hell no, I ain’t doing a romantic comedy.
Warlock: Would you keep quiet and let me finish, mosquito brain?
Warlock: Its Half Moon Street starring Michael Caine and Sigorney Weaver. How bad could it be?
America: Famous last words.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Whatever, anyway let’s get started with Half Moon Street.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Dr. Slaughter, a researcher in London who works as a high class hooker in her spare time, becomes a pawn in a dangerous political game, when her latest john Lord Bulbeck, who’s negotiating an Arab-Israeli peace treaty, falls for her”
America: There’s…what….how….ughhhhh. Arab-Israeli peace talks were generally fucked anyway, how is she gonna help?
*Opening graphic has RKO Pictures*
Warlock: Going old school with this.
*Lauren Slaughter (Sigourney Weaver) runs around in sweats like Rocky*
Warlock: Gotta keep in shape somehow.
*2 old chaps stop and check Lauren out*
Warlock: I say old boy.
*Graphic: Based on the novel Dr. Slaughter*
America: Hopefully they don’t slaughter your work.
*Lauren runs into the middle of the street and is nearly run over by a cab. The driver calls her a stupid cow.*
Warlock: That’s not nice.
*Lauren runs by a car that explodes*
Warlock and America: Woahhhhh
*Ambassador says Dr. Slaughter is here to help the Arab/Israeli PR*
Warlock: That won’t work.
*Slaughter calls Nigel. She asks Julian (Patrick Newman) how to get more money. Julian tells her to be a field agent for extra money*
America: Her voice seems oberdubbed.
*3 black youths give her the lookaround*
America: I thought they were going to harass her.
Warlock: I thought they were gonna pass the dutchie.
America: You gotta be kidding.
*Lauren is naked in the bath*
Warlock: That’s the first time I’ve seen her naked.
*Lindsay (Ram John Holder comes in to fix the faucet*
Warlock: A plumbing we will go.
*Hugo Van Arkady (Keith Buckley) asks why Lauren didn’t eat her quail. She says she’s vegetarian and don’t eat dead animals*
America: Oh god. Do what you want but don’t try to be preachy to me,
Warlock: As you eat your bacon.
*Lady Newhouse (Faith Kent) says people are breeding too much*
Warlock: This was 30 years ago, its even worse now.
*Van Arkady says there’s only 5,000 real people in the world*
Warlock: I am so lost.
*Lady Newhouse says “Speaking of women, its time for coffee”*
Warlock: I thought it was tea.
America: How does women mean coffee? How does that segue supposed to work? Is there a stereotype I missed?
Warlock: Women like coffee I guess.
*Lauren grills Julian about the Kuwait trip, he gives her the runaround until their boss comes in and says HE got the job*
Warlock: He bagged it. Snake.
*Lauren gets a blank tape and she pops it into a VCR. Its boring research about escort services. Lauren watches it as she works out. Lindsay walks in and says its pretty funny. She takes another bath*
America:So someone sent her a random advertising thing.
Warlock: We got her naked, we’re good.
America: That doesn’t answer my question.
*Lord Bulbeck (Michael Caine) is on TV. Lindsay finds out that Lauren is being played by George Newhouse (Patrick Kavanaugh) and Lindsay says she’s not so smart*
*Van Arkady asks her out and she politely declines. She asks if he sent her the tape, he says no*
America: I’m waiting for whoever gets her in hot water.
Warlock: She doesn’t have any hot water.
*Lauren watches the tape while working out again. She sits at her table distraught*
Warlock: So this is how she becomes an escort?
*Newhouse and Lauren share a taxi. She grills him on why she didn’t get the Kuwait trip. He doesn’t have an answer*
*Lauren walks into the escort service*
Warlock: The guy running it says “You’re hired!”
*Captain Twilley (Niall O’Brien) hires her. We get a shot of Lauren’s ass as she puts makeup on*
Warlock: Now we’re talkin.
America: You were supposed to pause for research.
Warlock: You have the remote.
America: Oh yeah.
*Lauren leaves for her date with some random guy. She knocks on room 65*
Warlock: Nineteen sixty….
America: Fiveeeeeee yeah.
*Lauren shuts down a Japanese businessman (Eiji Kusuhara) when he speaks in Japanese that he’s gonna nail her to the waiter (Togo Igawa)*
*Lauren’s next date is with Lord Bulbeck*
America: I feel like in the world of this movie. If they can say no so easily to their clientelle, it wouldn’t be portrayed as such a problem with this world’s news.
Warlock: Its an escort service, not a prostitution ring. They don’t have to have sex with anyone.
*Lord Bulbeck introduces himself as Sam Weller. She recognizes the name from Dickens, she knows its him. She wants a Perrier and a slice of lemon*
Warlock: So no tequila?
*Lauren looks at various pictures on his desk*
Warlock: Stop touching his shit!
*She sees a picture of his wife that was killed in Turkey*
Warlock: Damn that’s harsh.
*Lauren and Bulbeck share bonding moments*
Warlock: Least we get character development.
*Lord Bulbeck “I can’t stand helpless men that can’t cook”. Warlock turns and looks at America*
America: What are you looking at me for? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
*Lauren asks why he needs an escort and he asks why she’s an escort. She says she needs the money. Bulbeck says to be very careful, she says she has a gynecologist who teaches karate*
*Bulbeck runs into Lauren at a convention. Kuwaiti guy in kaffeih calls her a model. Karim Hatami (Nadim Sawalha) introduces her to Hugo who kind of blows them off. Karim pulls her aside and have a private chat. He has charm*
Warlock: Least he has a sense of humor.
*Karim “No, these days you say Betamax or VHS*
America: That’s dating this movie.
Warlock: It was 1986.
*Karim and Lauren fuck to the movie*
Warlock: Wonder if he used a rubber.
*Bulbeck calls Tom Haldane (Michael Elwyn) for intel on Slaughter. He gives some backstory.*
Warlock: Sexist asshole, hahahahaha
*Lindsay invites Lauren to the greyhound races*
Warlock: And there off!
America: Its six-two-four in a wingdinger!
*Bill Rafferty (Angus MacInnes) is with Bulbeck and they spot Lauren. They introduce themselves to Lindsay and Lauren. Bill and Lindsay go to place bets and we get Lauren and Bulbeck chat*
Warlock: Oh wonderful.
*Bulbeck tells his bodyguard Harry that he’ll be okay. Later on Lauren watches surveillance footage of outside the mansion*
*Bulbeck tells Dutch (Judy Liebert) no calls. His friends grill Bulbeck about what’s going on. Bulbeck thinks he’s going to be assassinated on September 5th*
Warlock: Wonderful, he knows when his assassination is.
*Bulbeck says he could care less about the public’s image of him going out with escort girls. She says “Isn’t that sexual blackmail?”
America: Is it me or do the people in this world, there’s a far less stigmata about the sex industry.
Warlock: Its Great Britain. They have a much lenient stance on sex. They have nudity in the newspapers. They don’t give a shit.
*Lauren and Bulbeck talk women’s rights. She says men wants her to be a pet rabbit*
Warlock: I’d rather he be an alien killing, badass.
America: Not now,that comes later.
*Lauren, Bill and Bulbeck play croquet. Bulbeck “Never trust a woman”
Warlock: Yeah that goes over well.
America: I hear an airplane!
Warlock: They didn’t show it, relax.
*Bulbeck asks the kind of men she goes out with. He hints that he dislikes her being an escort and she goes on a rant about he’s important and she’s not*
*Karim shoots pictures of a topless Lauren on an exercise bike*
Warlock: Love that outfit.
*Lauren showers and Karim hands her a towel*
Warlock: She doesn’t shave.
*Karim wants to set Lauren up in his apartment since he’s moving. Lauren asks him why he’s doing this. Karim says she’s a friend. “In my country friendship is everything”
Warlock: Also against religion to bite the hand that feeds you*
*Lauren leaves Lindsay. He says “I’d give you a ride but that sneaky, shitty engine won’t start*
*America looks at the runtime*
America: We’re halfway through right?
America: So when does the shit hit the fan? Something has to go wrong.
*Lauren moves into Karim’s old apartment with sappy music. She then showers again*
Warlock: She showers more than anyone I’ve ever seen.
*Bulbeck confers with Dutch, Bill and someone else about what to do about the assassination. Lauren calls Bulbeck and he says he doesn’t want to talk. She is dejected*
Warlock: There ya go, first sign of trouble.
*Twilley calls Lauren and says to report to an ambassador’s meeting*
Warlock: Look at his teeth!!
*Twilley “What do you got anyway?” Lauren “Something you don’t, brains.” Twilley “It doesn’t take brains to get fucked.”
Warlock: Haha classic.
*Rex Lanham (Jasper Jacob) brings Lauren to his mansion. She’s introduced to Sidney (Anne Lambton) and Alan Platts-Williams (Rupert Vanstittart). Lauren says she lives on Half Moon Street and Rex says that’s where arabs and call-girls live*
Warlock: They got her pegged already.
*Bulbeck walks into the party and introduces himself. She blows him off in a huff. He plays with the cat*
Warlock: Aww der smittens.
*Bulbeck says he’ll come see her later. “They put me in the fucking maid’s room”
*Bulbeck and Lauren share pillow talk. She says she’s done it on an exercise bike and in the bathroom. She says someone shaved her and he lifts the covers to see*
Warlock: Haha good one.
*Lauren “Look at the garbage these people eat. Their colons must be a mess”
Warlock: Clense them.
*Lauren “Sam let’s get the fuck out of here.” Bulbeck “And leave all my friends without telling them?” Lauren “You call these assholes friends?” Bulbeck “Alright, let’s go”
*Lauren prepares to drive off. Has no keys, Rex shows up and hands him the key*
Warlock: Heh, not really inconspicuous
America: Once they start the engine, they better get out of there real fast.
*Bulbeck kisses Lauren by a creek*
Warlock: Isn’t that sweet?
America: I’m gonna fall asleep.
*Bulbeck and his men talk about plans. The waiter calls him Lord Blueback. Lord “He’ll get my name right someday.”
*Bulbeck listens to a radio show host (Kerry Shale) and can’t sleep. He calls Lauren and leaves a message*
Warlock: Is the answering machine the best supporting actor?
America: I’ll get back to you.
*Lauren uses the red phonebooth*
Warlock: I’ve been in one of those before.
*Bulbeck blows off his weekend plans with Lauren while some unknown listens in. He says he’ll make it up to her*
America: The eggs she’s frying are more important than the answering machine.
*Bulbeck blows her off a second time and she’s distraught. She visits Karim on her birthday. Karim drinks with Lauren “I thought arabs don’t drink.” Karim “This one does.”
Warlock: Yeah, its against Muslim religion to drink.
*Karim presents her with a necklace and says where she’s going in Geneva. Some unknown listens to the recorded conversation*
*Sonny (Vincent Lindon) plays squash with Lauren*
Warlock: Excusez-Moi. Its a good thing I’m with you because I can speak French. Otherwise you’d be lost.
America: Oh shut up.
Warlock: Ferme les bouche.
*Sonny asks out Lauren but she politely declines. He shows up with a fruit basket anyway and she slams the door in his face. “Bonsoir!”
Warlock and America: Hahahahaha
*The concierge (Claude Villers) hands Lauren a note, its from Bulbeck blowing her off again. She shacks up with Sonny*
Warlock: Saw that coming.
*A naked Sonny gets her a towel, but sees the note she got from Bulbeck*
Warlock: Something is about to go wrong.
*Lauren asks Sonny out to dinner at 8:30. He doesn’t show.*
America: What did you think he was gonna do when he saw the note?
*Bulbeck barges in the conference room and steals Lauren away from George. Bulbeck is pissed she blew him off and she’s pissed he blew her off. They argue outside and she says to meet him at Half Moon Street. He says he can’t because of security, she calls bullshit*
Warlock: That’s it? No big fight?
*Lauren leads Bulbeck to her apartment. Bulbeck “So that’s the famous exercise bike?”
*Lauren strips naked for him*
Warlock: I like where this is going.
*Lauren asks if he wants her on the bike. He says no, in the bedroom like lovers*
America: So we skipped the fight and got to the makeup sex.
*Lauren wants to bake Bulbeck a cake for his birthday. She says he’s special with zero emotion on her face*
Warlock: What in the hell?
*Lauren tells Twilley that she’s busy but Twilley set her up with a client. She quits on him*
Warlock: Something’s gonna go wrong.
*Lauren bakes a cake and gets a phone call. Its a weird machine noise and it hangs up*
America: That was your assailant calling to make sure you were there.
Warlock: Good point.
America: I’m waiting for the break-in.
*Lauren checks the window and there’s two cars on the street. She finishes baking the cake and the buzzer scares her*
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Sonny brings her flowers and he came to apologize. Sonny slips that he knows her real name and Lauren is suspicious. She wants him to leave and he backhands her across the face*
Warlock: Oh ho ho what a shot!
*Lauren fights him off but Sonny gets the upperhand with a right cross to the breadbasket*
America: So our would-be assailant didn’t make the entrance I expected, but, I told you.
*Lauren notices the door is unlocked and Sonny starts tearing up the place. He pulls the phones out of the wall and checks the window*
Warlock: Leave no evidence buddy.
*Lauren asks if he’s going to kill her and he just smiles. Scene shifts to a helicopter landing*
Warlock: What is that?
America: A 105, and that was a horrible landing! So clearly there’s no congrete helipad. They have an improvised landing spot with an X marking the spot. The camera is obviously off to the side of the helicopter, meaning its not straight down. YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE X! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? Aim for the X, not the next door neighbor’s lawn! My god, what the hell?
Warlock: Settle down.
America: I’m distraught over this asshole.
*Meanwhile Sonny chills with Lauren. She asks what he’s waiting for and he doesn’t answer. Lauren “I have to go to the bathroom, I suppose you want to watch.”
*Lauren uses the bathroom and she turns the shower on. Sonny “Merde!”
Warlock: Shit in French
America: It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s hiding somewhere.
*Lauren cracks a vase over his head and then a wine glass over his neck. Sonny falls down and looks dead*
Warlock: He’s dead.
America: That shouldn’t have killed him.
*Karim walks in and Lauren sobs. Karim checks the bathroom and sees Sony on the ground. He turns the shower off*
America: I didn’t see the slit throat. Yeah he’s definitely a gonner.
*Karim turns heel and pulls a gun on her. Karim sent the tape on orders from Hugo. Its a plot to kill Bulbeck and she was the bait. He hits her over the head with the butt of his gun. Its going to kill his reputation and himself. Karim says if it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. Lauren realizes the 5,000 Hugo was talking about is actually a terrorist cell.*
Warlock: Finally some plot.
*Helicopter lands on a roof*
America: Hey, he landed it in the right place this time.
*Bulbeck goes to leave*
America: Wait…wait…ohhhh ho ho you motherfuckers.
Warlock: What? What do you see?
America: There’s no water behind the helicopter
Warlock: Maybe its a different camera angle.
America: They re-positioned to that pad??? That is god awful ramp management.
*Bulbeck buzzes Lauren and Karim tells her to let him in. Lauren refuses and Karim pulls her up and forces her to.
Warlock: “God damn woman open the door!”
*Lauren opens the door and shouts that he’s gonna kill Sam but she’s pulled outisde by two gunman in gas masks. Karim tags her in the shoulder and the gunmen kill him. Bulbeck walks up and Bill says everything went according to plan. The plainclothes cop (Phillip Whitchurch) says she’s been under surveillance for sometime. Bulbeck asks if she’s okay. He claims he didn’t know anything until now and he’s sorry. She doesn’t buy it*
America: She’s no fool.
*Bulbeck stands in front of her with a cigarette. She takes it and tosses it down. He calls her incorrigible and we get the end credits*
Warlock: Yay, we made it.
Mr. America’s assessment: Ughhhhh, I’m bothered by the aviation fuck-ups. I give it a 5. Its not my thing. If you’re into romance, you’d probably like it better.
The Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 5. An average movie, nothing special, not good, not bad. Worth a look if you’re a Michael Caine or Sigorney Weaver fan.
Final Grade: 5 out of 10.
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well I screwed this one up. I should have watched this with Neyzor Blades.
America: Oh now you tell me.
Warlock: Shaddup, anyway Half Moon Street is a decent romance but its not for everyone. Its not bad but its not good either, perfectly average. Well that about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.