85. Punch (2002)

Punch

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wife-beater, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates and enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight we’re going to watch something different. Instead of the usual horror and action movies, we’re going to take a look at Punch.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard gear*

Neyz: What the hell is this about?

Warlock: Looks like its about women’s fighting.

Neyz: Sounds interesting.

Warlock: The trailer looked good.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started shall we?

Neyz: About time.

Warlock: Its time for Punch.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Ariel is a troubled girl with more than the usual teenage problems. When her confusion and temper finally explode, she’s drawn into a world where anger is taken out in the ring.”

Neyz: Sounds like your kind of movie.

Warlock: I picked this for you!

 

*Think Film*

Neyz: Oh isn’t this invigorating.

 

*Ariel (Sonja Bennett) girl rubs some dudes shoulders*

Warlock: Ahhhh!

Neyz: She’s like 12. This is gross.

 

*He has something to tell her. He met somebody and she’s distraught. He invited her over for dinner tomorrow. She laughs and says “Dadddddd”

Warlock and Neyz: Ughhhhhhhhhhhh

 

*Some girl talks shit to Ariel. BING BANG BOOM*

Warlock: Yeah fight, yeah yeah fight!

 

*Ariel beats the fuck out of her and leaves with her dad.*

Warlock: Flawless victory.

 

*Ariel dances like an idiot for her tutor. Her father walks in and is miffed. They giggle with each other and the father calls him Markus (Don Ackerman). She jumps up and down on her bed*

Neyz: She’s acting like 12.

 

*Dad tells Ariel that he doesn’t mind her sleeping with other men. Ariel is miffed as Mary (Marcia Laskowski) pulls up. Dad says he wants to make a good impression. She rubs his shoulders and he wants her to be normal*

Neyz: I can’t watch this.

Warlock: Yeah really, even I’m like “yeesh”

 

*He pours wine and makes spaghetti for Mary. Mary “Here’s to not having any secrets”

Neyz: Weird, weird.

 

*Ariel walks into the kitchen wearing a purple gown. Dad is weirded out as he leaves to go change, leaving Mary and Ariel alone*

Warlock: This is about to get weird.

 

*Dad is named Sam (Michael Riley). Mary says she’s heard that Ariel is smart, funny, cultured, honest, yadda yadda*

Warlock: Keep kissing ass.

 

*Ariel says she can tapdance. She tapdances for Mary and says “Fuck energy, I’m Fred Astaire”

Warlock: I’d laugh but this is too weird.

 

*Mary, Ariel and Sam have dinner together. Ariel asks Mary where they met, she answers at the photoshop. Ariel “So how did it happen?”

Neyz: She’s not even eating, she’s just staring at the spaghetti.

 

*Ariel asks how Mary got there. Ariel gets erotic and Sam stops her. Sam wanted Mary to meet Ariel because she’s the most important thing in his life. Mary “If I had a dad like him I’d be protective.” Ariel “I’m not protective, but somebody burnt the spaghetti sauce”

Warlock: Bullshit.

 

*Ariel does pull-ups in her room*

Neyz: Ok Rocky.

 

*Sam “That had to be one of the most unpleasant dinners I’ve ever had in my entire life”

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Ariel calls out for Sam. He runs upstairs and she’s in her bed pouting*

Warlock: I’m starting to wonder who’s the sick one, him or her?

Neyz: Both.

 

*Ariel shows her tits to Sam. “Do you like them?”

Warlock and Neyz: Ohhhhhhhhhh

Warlock: I’m gonna barf.

 

*Sam says he doesn’t take pleasure in her breasts. He tells her she needs to see a doctor if she has a lump. She protests so he checks to see if there is a lump. There isn’t and he leaves in protest*

Warlock: Oh good god.

Neyz: What have you gotten me to watch?

Warlock: I thought this was a fighting movie.

 

*Ariel says Sam’s dick gets hard for her and it doesn’t make Mary special, it makes him desperate*

Warlock: That was a low blow.

 

*Sam gives Ariel’s backstory. She’s homeschooled with no friends. Mary “She has to have more than just you.” Sam “I did something stupid. I examined her.” He tells her Ariel claimed to have a lump on her breast and he examined her*

Neyz: Creeeeeepyyyy

Warlock: Very.

 

*Ariel heard everything they said. Ariel punches Mary down and swears at her. Sam restraints her and Mary leaves*

Warlock: Great, SHE’S the fucked up one.

 

*At Wild Coyote topless boxing, Julie (Meredith McGeartchie) is in a fight. The crowd chants “boobies”*

Neyz: *Chants along*

 

*Ariel tries to talk to Sam but Sam throws her out. Meanwhile at the Coyote. Julie is at the bar while the bartender tells a patron (Stephen Dimopolous) about Julie being a rapist. Bartender says Julie beat the fuck out of a sumo wrestler. The patron laughs and tells Julie “Nice tits”

Warlock: This movie is fucked.

 

*Irving (Vincent Gale) is the bartender and Julie gives him a tongue lashing. The patron finds it hilarious*

Neyz: Yeah.

 

*Ariel does more pull-ups*

Neyz: She’s ripped! Look at her.

Warlock: Woah

 

*Sam blows Ariel off the next morning*

Warlock: I don’t blame him.

 

*Sam confronts Mary. Mary admits she’s attracted to doctors, not him. Sam says that doesn’t matter*

Neyz: She’s trying to say she used you dude.

 

*Mary says she’s incredibly fond of him but kicks him out of the car*

Warlock: That’s actually some good dialogue.

 

*Julie walks in to Mary’s photo place and Julie calls her sis*

Neyz: I knew it.

 

*Julie knows something is up with Mary. Julie is pissed off that Mary was assaulted. Julie wants Sam and Ariel’s heads and Mary refuses to give them up. Julie goes through Mary’s address book and finds Sam*

Warlock: Ruh roh.

 

*Ariel says to kiss her ass in French*

Warlock: HAhaha.

 

*Julie knocks on the door. She says she needs to speak to them both*

Warlock: Uh oh….

 

*Julie threatens second degree assault on Sam and Ariel. Sam tells Ariel to shut up and listen to Julie. Julie demands Sam beg for forgiveness and for Ariel to pay for roses. If they don’t, she’ll see Ariel again. Meanwhile Julie gives Mary a ticket to her next fight and Mary is disinterested. Julie says she’ll retire when she loses*

Warlock: Yeah, come see your sister fight topless. Wonderful.

 

*Tanya (Mercedes de la Zerda) is asleep on the couch. Julie yells at Irving some more. Meanwhile Ariel is swilling a beer after mowing the lawn. Sam tells her Markus is fired and Ariel yells at him because “all you want is to fuck some photoshop hag”

Warlock: Wonderful.

 

*Julie beats the piss out of Beth (Kathryn Kirkpatrick) and wins the fight*

Warlock: Winner and still champeen!!!

 

*Beth and Julie share bonding moments after the fight. Beth says she took care of her husband until he got on his feet and he left her. Julie says to use it for fight fuel. Meanwhile Julie tosses a drink on Irving for calling Beth “Big B”. Irving “Why don’t you two go suck each other’s cunts”

Warlock: Fantabulous dialogue.

Neyz: Fuckin gross.

 

*Sam apologizes to Mary with roses and says they’re from Ariel and him. Sam says they’re toxic but beautiful*

Warlock: Yeah, so don’t eat the flowers and you’ll be good.

 

*The girl who Ariel beat up prior is Liz (Sarah Lind). Ariel wants to take her for lunch. Liz  “I never liked you and I never want to know you. You beat me up.”

Warlock: Women suck.

 

*On a rooftop Sam explains Ariel to Mary*

Neyz: Her black eye is gone.

Warlock: I thought he was the sicko, but no, she’s the fucked up one.

 

*Sam wants to know what it would take to get Mary back. She says Ariel would have to invite her and apologize. Meanwhile Ariel invites Markus over. Next frame is Ariel showing her bushy vagina and telling Markus to “dig in”

Warlock: This movie’s raunch factor is through the roof.

 

*Markus “You’re a bad person” Ariel “Get the fuck out of my dad’s room*

Warlock: What a bitch.

 

*Julie beats the fuck out of her opponent in record time. Irving is pissed. Meanwhile next day Mary confronts Julie about extortion. Mary hands the tickets back to Julie and says “its ugly” Julie “Fuck you!”

Warlock: Everybody hates each other.

 

*Julie confronts Sam and she wants to see Ariel. He invites her in. Sam says “I cannot allow you to injure my daughter. I’ll call the police if I have to. You understand that’s my right.” Julie asks what’s wrong with her. Sam “She’s been mishandled” Sam doesn’t want to open the can of worms. Julie asks how he met his wife. He asks if it matters*

Warlock: At least attempting some character development.

 

*Sam says they met at a barbecue. 20 years earlier his niece and nephew were kids and they took off on his watch. He found She them under a willow tree listening to a woman in a white cotton dress with a sunflower in one hand and a rose in the other. She was doing a puppetshow for the kids*

Warlock: 32 minutes to go.

 

*Sam finishes the story and says he fell in love with her without even seeing her face to a very creepy song in the background*

Warlock: This is the wrong soundtack. He’s telling a sappy story and we get horror music.

 

*5 years later she got sick and didn’t want to be alive anymore. She cut her own throat in Ariel’s bed. Julie is stunned*

Warlock: Jesus.

Neyz: What the fuck?

 

*Sam says love like that happens once every 20 years, and he looks at Julie*

Warlock: That’s a powerful visual.

 

*Suddenly Ariel barges in from her jog. Julie “I’m dropping it.” Ariel “You’re a fraud.” Ariel runs out after Julie. She tries to fight but Julie brushes her off. Ariel recognizes her as Julie The Beauty and knows what she does. Julie gives her tickets to the fight and says come watch. Ariel challenges her to a fight if Julie loses the fight tomorrow night. Julie says deal*

Warlock: Wowwwwww

 

*At the pool, Sam says Ariel ows him 20 bucks. She storms out*

Neyz: She’s always mad. She acts like a 12 year old and then she’s a big badass.

 

*Sam and Ariel attend Julie’s fight. Julie is fighting Beth again. Mary is there as well. Mary walks into the ladies room and confronts Ariel. Ariel tells her to buzz off*

Warlock: For once Ariel is in the right.

 

*Julie tags Beth a bunch of times. Julie stuns Beth but spots Mary and drops her guard. Beth catches her with an uppercut and Julie goes down*

Warlock: Winner and new champeeen!!! Beth!!!!

 

*Irving is sad as in the dressing room, Julie asks how far Beth dug deep for that one. Beth thanks her and Julie says no problem*

Warlock: She took a dive!

Neyz: No that seemed for real.

 

*Irving asks if she’s gonna quit. Irving asks her out if this is the last time they’ll see each other. She says no. He asks why. She says “Cause it sounds like a date.” Irving “So?” Julie “I’m not gonna go out on a date with you Irwin.” Irwin “Why not?” Julie “Its not something I do.” Irwin “Cause I’m a man?” Julie “That’s part of it.” She asks who Irwin was pushing in the wheelchair, and he says its his disabled brother. He’s got CP*

Warlock: Ooooooh, that’s bad.

 

*Sam tells Ariel to go back in and invite Mary over for dinner. If he does it, she won’t come. It has to come from her heart. Ariel walks in on Mary and Julie. She invites them both for a drink. Mary goes to say no but Julie says yes. Ariel is the bartender*

Warlock: She’s the bartender too?

 

*Julie and Mary discuss what to do. Julie asks why doesn’t Mary fight? Not as a man but as a woman*

Neyz: Yeah really.

 

*Mary says Sam and Ariel’s bond is too strong. Julie “For once in your life, stand up!”

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Mary leaves and Sam asks what’s up’. Ariel “Dad are you a complete moron?” She chastises him for leaving Mary alone and tells him to go after her. Meanwhile Ariel lights up a joint but Julie doesn’t want to take a hit. Ariel says she didn’t want her to lose. She respects her for having a clue. Ariel “You…woke..something in me. Some kind of…positive…something”

Warlock: That’s horrible acting.

Neyz: No its great acting because its weird.

 

*Ariel “Want to come up to my room with me?” Julie “No, cause I pick girls who need mothers. Damaged girls I like fixing them.” Ariel “What’s wrong with that?” Julie “They don’t stay fixed.” Ariel “And I’m calling in my debt*

Warlock: Here we go! Finally.

 

*Ariel “There are no rules.” They rumble and its an even match. Julie finally gets the upperhand and beats her to a bloody pulp. Julie “Had enough?” Ariel “Fuck you.”

Warlock: Winner and still champeen, Julie. The fight lasted less than 2 minutes. All that buildup for that?

 

*Sam confronts Julie and she says Ariel is in the garage. Sam runs up and Ariel says “The shit beaten out of me.”

Warlock: That’s an understatement.

 

*At the hospital, Mary is with Ariel. They embrace*

Warlock: At least that’s nice.

 

*Ariel lights a candle as Mary drops by Sam’s room. Mary “I have permission”

Neyz: Yup, sounds about right.

 

*Irving appears sleeping on the couch. Julie throws a drink on him. Julie “You’re buying me breakfast”

Warlock: What the hell is he doing here?

 

*Ariel asks Sam what do they got left from her mom. Sam says its all in boxes. Ariel asks if Sam will go through it with her. Sam says sure. Ariel “You know for the next little while I’m gonna hate your guts.” Sam “Yup.” Next frame Mary is rubbing Sam’s shoulders. She’s back in school and doing well academically but struggling socially. Ariel dives into the pool and smiles. End credits*

Neyz: Warlock…..what the hell was this dog turd we just watched?

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: 4 out of 10. Julie was the only good character.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 3 out of 10. The nudity saved it.

Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10 – Garbage

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: What a piece of caca that was. I’m glad the father turned out okay because this was heading towards incest real fast. Luckily the story was shit but they didn’t go THAT far. I have no idea what they were going with this but they failed miserably. Sorry I wasted your time Neyz.

Neyz: There was ONE fight and it lasted 2 minutes. The music was terrible and the sexual tension was disgusting. I blame you for this

*Neyz starts throwing things at Warlock and he runs*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening!!!!!

 

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