84. Shoot Em Up (2007)

Shoot em up

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a can of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t thinks so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*The Warlock clenches his fist and throws it, a lightning bolt strikes. He enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is not something I picked. No, tonight our very own Mr. America had chosen a movie.

*Mr. America is putting the blu ray into the player. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Yeah, its about time I get to choose one for once.

Warlock: So what are we watching oh exalted one?

America: Shoot Em Up.

Warlock: What’s that?

America: Shut up and watch.

Warlock: If you say so.

*America takes his seat in the recliner and Warlock sits on the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Alright, let’s see how this goes. Shoot Em Up!

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A man named Mr. Smith delivers a woman’s baby during a shootout, and is then called upon to protect the newborn from the army of gunmen.”

America: That’s one special baby.

Warlock: Look Who’s Talking starring Rambo

 

*Movie opens with a closeup of Mr. Smith’s (Clive Owens) face

America: Hiiiii

Warlock: You’re gonna lose this staring contest.

America: Ha, he looked away, we win.

 

A pregnant lady (Ramona Pringle) goes into labor right in front of Mr. Smith. The assassin (Wiley M Pickett) crashes his car and goes after her. She shoots but misses. He pulls out a knife and says he’s gonna give her a c-section. Suddenly Smith shows up and kills him with a carrot through the jaw*

Warlock: Baahahahahaha that’s hilarious.

 

*Nirvana’s Breed plays as more assassins attack*

Warlock: Their one good song.

 

*Smith helps Donna give birth as he’s shotting random gunmen. The baby is born and Smith shoots the umbilical chord*

Warlock: Mazel-tov!

 

*Hertz (Paul Giamatti) takes his shot at Smith but fails. Hertz follows the trail of blood and Smith disarms him. Smith asks him why he’s after her. Hertz recites the “no tit for Tat” limmerick*

Warlock: Haven’t heard that in a while.

 

*Hertz’ gun won’t fire unless HE pulls the trigger*

Warlock: Ingenious!

 

*Another group of assassins attack and Smith carries Pregnant Lady to safety….only to find she’s dead. He wraps up the baby and runs to the roof. He gets into another shootout and shoots out some neon lights that spells out “Fuuk You” “Fuck you ya fuckin fuckers”*

Warlock: Well that was funny.

 

*Hertz shoots out more lights so it spells Fuuk You Too*

Warlock: BAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!

 

*Assassin (Scott McCord) says the pregnant lady got away by pulling a gun. Hertz shoots him in the ass as a reminder not to fail him again*

Warlock: You pain in the ass.

 

*Lone Man (Greg Bryk) and Smith get into a fight over the baby. Smith lets him live and leaves*

Warlock: Why did he let him live?

America: Not a clue.

 

*Hertz’ Driver (Julian Richings) does a 180 after Hertz gets a call that Smith has been spotted in the park. Smith puts the baby on the merry-go-round and says someone good will find it. A woman spots the baby and goes to pick it up but is blown away by a sniper round from Hertz. Smith shoots the carousel to make sure Hertz doesn’t get a clean shot*

Warlock: You’re gonna make the baby puke….or Hertz.

 

*Smith grabs the baby just in time and runs off. Hertz “Well fuck me sideways”

Warlock: Foiled again.

 

*Bitter Sweet’s Dirty Laundry plays as Smith walks to a whorehouse. He asks for Donna Quintano (Monica Belucci) and runs up to find her. She’s lactating in a guy’s mouth and Smith throws the guy out of the room. Smith wants her to take care of the baby and pays her 5 grand, but she knocks the money out of his hand. Donna says for all she knows, he stole the baby. He says no he didn’t and says to keep it for one day. She refuses and he leaves. Meanwhile Hertz cops a feel on the dead pregnant lady’s tit*

Warlock: Blahhhhhhhhh

 

*Hertz smells the breast mi;k on her tit and figures out that the baby needs to bed. He asks his men where to find lactating hookers. Of course he finds Donna and they share a scene. She tells him everything even though he browbeats her by shooting the breast milk bottles in the room until Smith shows up. They go gun to gun and Smith figures out Hertz is out of ammo. He throws Hertz into the hall where all his men are dead and the lights are flickering*

America: We’re gonna need an electrician.

 

*Hertz figures out Smith is out of ammo too. Smith cuts a guys’ hand off and uses his gun to shoot Hertz. Smith “Nothing like a good hand job”

Warlock: They had to have a one liner?

 

*Donna curses at Smith in Italian and he says he’s not sorry. He spots a guy parking in a handicap space and he hotwires the car. Meanwhile Hertz wakes up, he’s wearing a bulletproof vest. He gets a phone call from his wife and he sweet talks her about making it to his son’s birthday party*

Warlock: Wonderful character development.

 

*Smith gets angry at a guy changing lanes on the highway*

America: You’d hate Massachusettes.

 

*Smith gets mad at the guy changing lanes when he litters and he rams him off the road*

Warlock: I’d love to do that.

 

*Hertz makes a phone call for more assassins when he spots the glass that Smith smashed in. Meanwhile Smith goes to a pawn shop to buy guns and ammo. He spots a guy getting a BJ by a trash can and he runs out to slam the lid on his fingers. Apparently Donna was blowing him for quick cash. Back inside the shop, she wraps the baby up in a bulletproof vest and Smith’s face is priceless*

Warlock: That’s ingenious for this movie actually.

 

*Smith takes Donna back to his apartment. He pulls out a rat and says “Say hi to Mickey”

America: Hi Mickey!

 

*Hertz downs a bottle of pills and spots the broken car outside the pawn shop and says to stop the car. Meanwhile Donna calls Smith a pussy bastard in Italian. Smith says carrots are good for your eyesight*

Warlock: That’s bullshit.

 

*Hertz’ men banter and say Hertz was once an FBI profiler. Hertz scoffs and says “forensic behavior consultant,how many times do I have to tell you guys.” Hertz has found Smith’s apartment.  Hertz “The leader who stays in the rear, takes it in the rear”

Warlock: Wowwwww

 

*Smith names the baby Oliver because he liked Oliver Twist. Meanwhile Hertz leads the FIFTY men inside the complex. He tells his driver that his son is going to be eight. Oliver stops crying when the metal music plays*

Warlock: My kind of kid.

America: I like the babies’ taste.

 

*Motorhead’s Ace of Spades plays as another shootout commences. Smith wipes out everyone*

Warlock *singing in Lemmy’s voice* You know I’m born to lose, and gamblin is for fools. But that’s the way I like it baby I don’t wanna live forever*

 

*Smith vaults down the stairwell and wipes out 20 guys with a machine gun*

Warlock: Very believable.

 

*Shotgun (Tony Munch), Driver and Hertz escape alive. Hertz “Do we really suck that bad or is he really that good?”

America: I’ll go with that good.

 

*Hertz finds Mickey and squishes the baby’s diaper in Driver’s face*

Warlock: Grossssss

 

*Smith figures out the pregnant lady must have lived near a metal club. The only reason why the baby doesn’t cry when hearing metal music. They go to the nearest club and the Bouncer (Stephen R Hart) refuses to talk until Donna rips out the guy’s cock ring*

Warlock and America: Owwwwwwwwwww

 

*Bouncer talks and lets the duo into the manager’s office. Everyone is dead. The whole place is a sperm factory and maternity ward. Lone Man is giving a report that he’s killed everyone including the mothers and donors. Smith and Donna walk into the bone marrow room. They figure out that the women were harvesting babies to find a bone marrow donor to someone that needed it. Lone Man’s men must be preventing that from happening. Suddenly one of his men attacks Smith and Smith kills him by stabbing him in the eye with a carrot*

America: That’s not good for his eyesight.

 

*Donna is mad because Smith never asked what happened to her OWN child. She reveals her pimp hit her in the stomach when she was pregnant and the baby was born stillborn*

Warlock: Ouch.

 

*Smith calms the baby down by explaining what a gun does, the baby laughs*

Warlock: This movie is fucked.

 

*Pointless sex scene*

America: Well we know where this was heading.

 

*Assassins attack and Smith still plows Donna. He kills them all “Talk about shooting your load”*

Warlock: Wow

America: That was entertaining.

 

*Shotgun, Driver and Hertz go to HQ to report in. Hertz says he might know who Smith is*

Warlock: He’s got a hot tip.

 

*Smith says the safest place for her to be is a M-24 Shaffee war-tank*

America: YES!

 

*Smith places the gun trigger on her ring finger and they share a kiss. Smith he needs to create a distraction. He spots a woman (Laura De Carteret) spanking her child (Ryan Finn) and spanks her to teach her a lesson. A guard shows up and Smith punches him out, Donna makes it in the tank undetected*

America: That was funny.

 

*Hertz works for Mr. Hammerson (Stephen McHattie) the big wig gun maker. Hertz tells him that Smith is the son of a gunsmith and he’s been a crack shot since he was 10. Smith arms himself in Hammerson’s factory as Hammerson cuts a promo to Hertz. Hammerson tells Hertz to take out Smith once and for all. Meanwhile in the panzer, Donna calms Oliver*

Warlock: Can we end this please?

 

*Hammerson, Hertz and the boys corner Smith. Smith starts picking them off but Hertz causes a flashback of how his wife and son were murdered. Smith picks all the men off using gun traps he rigged*

Warlock: I don’t believe it.

 

*Smith kills everyone but Hertz and Hammerson. Back in the tank, Smith figures out that Hammerson is an arms dealer and the bone marrow is for Senator Rutledge (Daniel Pilon) who’s going to shut Hammerson down if he’s elected president. Smith says Hammerson’s got the whole US government after him. Smith and Donna are then chased through the streets*

Warlock: This movie will never end at this rate.

 

*Smith tells Donna to take the baby and go somewhere, he can’t know where. He hotwires a nearby car and we get a chase scene. Smith wipes everyone out but Oliver is in the middle of the street. Hertz runs him over and Smith is sad. Then Hertz realize he ran over a mechanical baby with Oliver’s voice recorded. Hertz goes berserk as the real Oliver is back in the panzer with Donna*

Warlock: Brilliant!

 

*Smith calls Lone Man and requests a meeting with Rutledge. Lone Man says to meet him at Runway 7 in two hours. The two men meet in the bathroom, Lone Man brings him to the Senator. Rutledge is in bad shape. His guard (Jason Reso) looks menacing*

Warlock: Its Christian!

America: No way!

Warlock: It is!

America: Where’s Edge?

 

*Smith smells a rat when he sees doghair on the senator’s pants. He pulls a gun and takes Rutledge hostage. He reveals that Rutledge is working with Hammerson when Hammerson himself and Hertz walks into the plane. Hertz and Hammerson reveal the whole plot. They funded his baby operation so he could fund them*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Smith says killing Rutledge will get his anti-guns bill passed. Rutledge makes a last second face turn by saying to kill him to regain some honor. Smith shoots him in the head and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. AC/DC’s If You Want Blood plays as a shootout 30,000 feet in the air. He kills Lone Man by throwing him into a helicopter propeller. Smith goes home and passes out. He wakes up with Hertz standing over him. Meanwhile Donna has Oliver and heads for a bus*

Warlock: The big climax!

 

*Driver and Shotgun bring Smith into a taxidermy room. Hertz taunts him before breaking Hertz’ fingers to get him to talk. Smith asks why Hertz is still doing this with Rutledge dead. Hertz says the plane crashed and Senator’s body won’t be found. Hertz taunts Smith how his wife and son were killed by the same guns that Hertz sold to the gunman. Smith hops up and kills Shotgun, Driver and Hammerson. Smith goes to escape but Hertz chases. Smith limps upstairs in front of a fire place*

Warlock: Got to keep warm somehow.

 

*Smith shoots Hertz by putting bullets in his deformed hand, stickig his hand in the fire and the bullets go off.  One final shot from Smith with a real gun kills Hertz. Smith staggers outside and Hammerson’s dog follows. Later on Smith stands outside with the dog and both hands bandaged. He hops a bus and finds Donna working at a Dairy Queen. He tongues her as a guy slurping a milkshake (Harry Karp) watches*

America: Hahahaha.

 

*All of a sudden a bunch of robbers (Andy MacKenzie, Mike Rad and David Ury) storm the DQ and try to rob the place. Motley Crue’s Kickstart My Hart plays as he takes out the robbers. End credits*

Warlock: Went out with a bang.

 

Mr. America’s assessment: I’ll give it a 6.5. It has a limited plot as with most action plots but the over the top factor made it work.

The Warlock’s assessment: I’ll give it a 6.  Great soundtrack, over the top plot…but the point 5 off for lack of Christian usage.

Final Grade: 6.5 – Very Good.

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was fun. It wasn’t great but it was mindless fun, just what the doctor ordered. Well, you picked a good one, I may just let you pick another one.

America: Oh have I got a treat for you next time. Just you wait.

Warlock: Wonderful….anyway that wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

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