*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blue wifebeater, jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*The Warlock levitates in the air then sets down and enters*
Warlock: Tonight we’re doing a classic. Ridley Scott’s Alien.
*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner in standard attire*
Neyz: Why are we doing this?
Warlock: Cause I felt like it.
Neyz: Oh sure.
Warlock: For those that don’t know, Alien is about a group of space miners that are forced to answer a distress beacon. All hell breaks loose after that.
Neyz: You aren’t kidding.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So without further delay, let’s start Alien.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “After a space merchant vessel perceives an unknown transmission as distress call, their landing on the source planet finds one of the crew attacked by a mysterious lifeform. Continuing their journey back to Earth with the attacked crew having recovered and the critter deceased, they soon realize that its life cycle has merely begun.”
*Old school 20th Century Fox opening*
Warlock: Wow, it even sounded like its from 1979.
Warlock: Love how they get them out of the way now. Its a small cast so it doesn’t take long either.
*Graphic reads. “Commercial towing vehicle The Nostromo. Crew: 7 Cargo: Refinery processing 20,000,000 tons of mineral ore. Course: Returning to Earth*
Warlock: That’s a shit ton of ore.
*Camera pants the entire ship, every room and setting. Suddenly the computer springs to life on its own. A course is plotted automatically and the crew is awoken from hyper sleep. Brett (Harry Dean Stanton), Lambert (Victoria Cartwright), Kane (John Hurt), Ash (Ian Holm), Parker (Yaphet Kotto), Ripley (Sigorney Weaver) and the ship’s captain Dallas (Tom Skeritt*
Warlock: Recognize any of them?
Neyz: That’s Duke from MASH.
Warlock: And Mr. Big from Live and Let Die.
Neyz: And Sigorney Weaver.
*The crew banters over breakfast. Parker requests full shares and a bonus for their hard work. Dallas blows them off and goes to answer Mother, the ship’s computer. Parker “Can I finish my coffee? Its the only thing good on this ship.”
Warlock: My favorite line.
*Dallas gets orders to divert off course to answer a distress signal. The rest of the crew get on navigation and figure out they’re nowhere near home. Lambert is confused,meanwhile Parker and Brett bitch and moan as they do maintenance.*
*Dallas gives everyone the scoop. Mother woke everyone to intercept a transmission which is in her guidelines. Parker says its a commercial ship, not a rescue ship. Ash says there’s a clause in the contract saying everyone must respond to distress signals. Parker doesn’t want to hear it but Dallas says to listen to him. Ash says failure to do so results in forfeiture of shares, meaning Parker won’t get paid. Parker backtracks and says let’s go for it.*
Warlock: Thinking with his wallet.
*The crew pilots the ship toward the planet where the signal is originating. They experience some turbulence as they land. Some of the damage can’t be repaired for a whole day. So they’re stranded for now*
Warlock: Just lovely.
*Dallas asks for a status report. Lambert has nothing*
Warlock: Oh well.
*Kane, Lambert and Dallas investigate where the beacon is coming from. They don spacesuits and take off on the planet’s surface*
Warlock: Here we go.
*Parker: Will we get full shares?” Ripley “You’ll get what’s coming to you” Parker “What?” Ripley “Why don’t you fuck off?”
*Kane, Lambert and Dallas find a derelict ship. They make their way toward it*
Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
Neyz: “This is too scary. Let’s turn back.”
Warlock: “Yeah really, let’s go home.”
Warlock and Neyz: THE END!
*Kane, Lambert and Dallas go deeper into the ship. Kane hops up on a ledge and panics*
Warlock: He just saw Mr. Wallstreet’s bank account.
Neyz: He did not!
*A giant alien skeleton is fossilized, sitting in some kind of observation lounge. Dallas spots that something burst from inside its chest. Lambert says to get the hell out of there*
Warlock: I’m with Lambert on that one.
*Kane spots a hole in the floor and tells the others to come quick. Meanwhile Ripley buzzes Ash on the ship and says the message wasn’t an S.O.S. but a warning. Ripley wants to go out after them and Ash talks her out of it*
Warlock: The cover up begins.
*Back on the alien derelict, Kane is lowered into the hole. He says its a cave of some sort. There are thousands upon thousands of alien eggs in the chamber he’s in*
Warlock: May not want to disturb them.
*Kane slips and falls into a group of eggs. He touches one and it begins to hatch*
Neyz: Oh no…no no no…
*Kane goes to take a look and the facehugger attacks and attaches itself to him*
Neyz: That’s scawwry.
*Lambert and Dallas drag Kane back to the ship. At first Ripley refuses to let them back on board because of quarantine procedure. Dallas gives her an order to let her in and she continues to refuse*
Warlock: She was the only smart one.
*Ash hits the hatch to let them in, Ripley is confused*
Neyz: They’re all gonna die.
*Ash cuts the helmet off of Kane and Dallas wants to know how they’re going to get the facehugger off of Kane. Ash goes to lift it off but the scalp begins to tear. They can’t lift it. From the peanut gallery, Parker shouts to freeze him*
Warlock: What good is that going to do?
*Ash gives Kane an MRI. Dallas says they have to remove it but Ash says no, they may kill the creature. They watch as an embryo travels into Kane and Dallas says to cut if off now*
Warlock: Too late now.
*Kane goes to cut off one of the tentacles and it bleeds acid through the floor. The whole crew follow the acid trail. Once it stops, Dallas sticks Brett’s pen in the acid and it melts*
Warlock: What a waste of a good pen.
*Dallas rationalizes it has concentrated acid for blood. Parker says its a hell of a defense mechanism*
Warlock: Ya think?
*Parker and Brett banter back and forth while fixing the ship. We get a long shot of Kane in the infirmary and Ash studying the creature. Ripley appears and asks what it is. Ash doesn’t know yet. Ripley wants to know how Kane and the facehugger is. Ripley gives Ash a tongue lashing for letting Kane back and Ash fires back. Ash “You do your job and let me do mine.”
Warlock: Seeds of distrust are planted.
*Dallas is in the shuttle listening to classical music when Ash buzes him and says to come quick. Dallas buzzes Ripley and tells her to meet him there. They get there and the facehugger is nowhere to be found. Kane’s face is clear. The trio enter the infirmary to search for it*
Neyz: Its gonna pop out, I don’t like it.
*They look around and it lands on Ripley who screams. It falls on the floor and its dead. Ash later analyzes it with Ripley and Dallas. Ripley wants it removed but Ash wants to bring it with them and study it. Dallas says its Ash’s call and overrules Ripley. Ripley corners him alone and he says the Company tells him what to do and how things go. Ripley doesn’t like it.*
Neyz: I don’t like it either.
*Dallas asks how the repairs are coming along. Ripley sells almost finished but Dallas wants to leave now. Dallas “Look Ripley I just want to get the hell out of here!”
Warlock: Yeah me too.
*The ship takes off and barely makes it back into space*
Warlock: What a piece of junk.
*Crew banter about what to do with Kane. Parker says Kane needs to be frozen and Ripley says they all need to be quarantined. Lambert shows up and says it’ll take 10 months to get back to Earth*
Warlock: Can you imagine traveling that long with no hypersleep? I’d go insane.
*Ash buzzes the crew and says come see Kane. They go to the infirmary and he’s awake. Dallas grills him about the planet and Kane doesn’t remember a thing. He asks where they are and Dallas says on their way home. Kane says he needs something to eat and Dallas says one last meal before they go home*
Warlock: The last supper.
*Crew banters with each other at dinner. Ash keeps close eye on Kane. Parker says “I’d like to eat something right now but I’ll stick to food” Lambert is disgusted. Kane “I don’t want to talk about what its made of.”
*Kane starts gagging and at first Parker plays it off. The mood turns serious when Kane goes into a seizure*
Neyz: No,no…I don’t like it.
Warlock: Turn away then.
*Kane seizures and suddenly something bursts his chest open, spraying the crew with blood. Finally the alien emerges from Kane’s chest. Its a serpent like creature, Lambert freaks out. Parker goes to stab it but Ash says not to touch it. The alien screeches and takes off. The crew is stunned and covered in blood*
Warlock: Should have let Parker kill it.
*Brett looks for Dallas. Nobody can find the alien. They go back to the ship’s cargo bay and load Kane into a tube. They shoot his body out into space*
Warlock: They’re gonna have a hell of a time explaining this to the company.
Neyz: They won’t have to.
*Brett brings a bunch of tools to hunt the alien with. Flamethrowers and cattle prods are all they have. Ash designed a motion detector that picks up micro changes in air density. Dallas goes over the plan. Two teams, Ash, Lambert and him with Parker, Brett and Ripley the other. They’re supposed to capture it and shoot it out of an airlock*
Warlock: Seems straightforward, what could go wrong?
Neyz: A lot.
*Ripley’s team finds damage to the ship as they search. Ripley spots something on the motion detector and says its within 5 meters. “Micro changes in air density my ass!” The trio investigate and when the door opens, Jones the cat jumps out*
Warlock: Awww der smittens
Neyz: He’s a babies.
*Parker and Ripley go on ahead, Brett has to go back and get Jones. He spots him in a mining station. Brett just misses him and he runs off but then finds shedded skin on the ground. The alien is somewhere nearby*
Neyz: It must be huge now.
Warlock: Oh don’t you worry.
*Brett finds the mineral ore they’re carrying and Jones in the corner. Jones goes to come out but then the life-size alien drops down behind Brett. Jones hisses and backtracks. Brett turns around and the alien nabs him, impales him through the head and drags him away*
Neyz: What about the cat?
Warlock: He’s fine.
*Back in the mess hall, the crew is shook up. Parker says the alien is huge and it dragged Brett through one of the air-ducts*
Neyz: Why didn’t they pack any guns or tasers?
Warlock: They’re miners, normally you don’t need guns or knives on a mining station.
*Dallas goes over a new plan. Ash says its Kane’s son. Ash says to rig some flamethrowers because it may be resistant to fire. Lambert asks who’s going in after it, Ripley says she will. Dallas says no, Ash and Ripley cover the airlocks and Parker and Lambert seal off everything, he’s going in. Ripley is miffed*
Neyz: Some plan.
*Dallas talks to the ship’s computer about what to do. The computer gives him nothing useful. Dallas “What are my chances?” Mother “Does not compute”*
Warlock: Yeah that’s about right.
*Dallas goes in with everyone monitoring. Dallas finds the trail and picks up on it. Suddenly the alien moves and starts coming toward Dallas. Lambert freaks out and says to get out of there. Dallas drops into a hole and the alien pops out and screams*
Warlock: Goodbye Dallas.
*Dallas’ signal flatlines. Later Parker puts the flamethrower on the table. He says there was no blood or Dallas and slams it down. Ripley says they should try it again and Lambert says hell no. Lambert suggest they take the emergency shuttle and get out of there. Ripley says the shuttle won’t take four. Parker says he wants to kill it now*
Warlock: I’m up for that.
*Ripley’s new plan is to go in two teams and flush it out of the airlock. Ripley asks Ash for suggestions and Ash says they’re still collating. Ripley says with Kane and Dallas dead, she’s now second in command and will talk to the computer*
Warlock: You may not like what you find.
*Parker and Lambert prepare the flamethrowers while Ripley talks to the computer. She asks why nothing is being done and it says its under Special Order 937 for Ash’s eyes only. Ripley asks what Special Order 937 is. The mission was to go to the alien planet, pick up lifeform and bring it back home, crew expendable*
Warlock: The company signed their death warrants.
Neyz: That’s horseshit!
*Ash shows up and says there’s an explanation for this. Ripley shoves him against the wall and says she doesn’t want to hear it*
Neyz: Only 36 minutes left?
*Ripley calls for Parker and Lambert but Ash cuts off communications and shuts the door on Ripley. Ripley confronts Ash who bleeds white from his head. He throws Ripley against the wall and stares at her*
Warlock: What a heel turn.
*Ash throws Ripley on a counter and tries to suffocate her with a magazine. He starts to seizure as Parker and Lambert show up to drag him off. Parker takes a blunt object and whacks Ash with it to get him off. He starts puking white and seizuring. Parker gets a clean shot to the head and Ash’s head falls to the side. He’s an android*
Neyz: Oh that’s gross.
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Parker whacks Ash down until he goes motionless. Parker “Its a robot! Ash is a goddamn robot!”
*Ash attacks Parker again and Lambert fries him with a stun gun. Later Ripley tries to re-hook Ash’s circuits together. Parker asks why the Company sent a robot with them. Ripley says they were sent on a suicide mission to get the alien and bring it back. Ripley says to turn him on but Parker refuses. Ripley says he may know how to kill it. They set Ash’s head up and it dribbles white from his mouth*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Ripley asks Ash what his mission was. He says bring back the alien no matter what, crew expendable. Ash says they can’t kill it. Ash says its the perfect organism. Lambert :”You admire it” Ash “I admire its purity. A survivor, unclouded by conscience, morals or delusions of morality.” Parker’s heard enough and tells Ripley to pull the plug. Ash says goodbye says “I can’t lie to you about your chances, but you have my sympathies”
*Ripley shuts off Ash and says they’ll take the shuttle and blow up the ship. They leave but not before Parker fries Ash’s body with a flamethrower*
Warlock: And we’re down to 3.
*Ripley asks once they hit self destruct how much time will they have, Parker says 10 minutes. “If we’re not out of here in ten minutes, we won’t need a rocket to fly through space.”
Neyz: Better hurry up then.
*Ripley tells Parker and Lambert to go pack up the coolant they’ll need while she prepares the shuttle. Ripley powers everything up and hears both Parker and Jones on the intercom. She goes to get Jones as the others pack up. Ripley finds Jones and gets him to safety. Meanwhile the alien sneaks up on Lambert and she freezes*
Warlock: Get out of the damn way!!!
*Ripley hears them on the intercom and rushes to help. Lambert won’t move so Parker rushes. The alien catches and kills him with a head shot. It turns its attention to Lambert and she cries out. Ripley gets to the cargo bay and finds them both dead*
Warlock: So much for them.
*Ripley hits the self-destruct sequence, she’s got 10 minutes to get out. The alien chases her and turns its attention to Jones. Ripley grabs Jones and gets to the shuttle in time. She launches and the Nostromo goes boom*
Warlock: What a waste of machinery.
Neyz: Its over.
Warlock: 10 minutes left, so definitely not.
*Ripley puts Jones into hyper-sleep and strips down to her undies*
Warlock: Why is she stripping down?
Neyz: I don’t know.
*Ripley goes to check the circuits when the alien’s hand reaches out. She freaks out and runs to grab a spacesuit*
Warlock: Told you it wasn’t over.
*Ripley thinks about what to do and she figures it out. She straps herself in a spacesuit while singing “You Are My Lucky Star”
Neyz: What song is that?
Warlock: You Are My Lucky Star.
Neyz: You know it?
Warlock: I cant sing it but I know its from Singin In The Rain.
*Ripley emerges from the closet and blows the alien out of its spot. Ripley hits the airlock and the alien is caught in the doorway. Ripley blasts it with a harpoon into space and shuts the door. The alien makes it to the exhaust pipe but Ripley blasts it with pure flame and the Alien shoots out into space*
Warlock: NOW ITS OVER!
*Ripley reports in ships log that everyone else is dead, the ship is destroyed and in 6 weeks she should be within range for pickup. She signs off and the credits roll*
Warlock: A happy ending….not.
Neyzor Blades Assessment: 7 out of 10…I don’t like scary movies but the story is great.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 9 out of 10…..all time classic
Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Outstanding
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: What an amazing, claustrophobic masterpiece. Instead of the usual guns and ammo it was all about survival. Not just for the humans but for the alien as well. After all, it was born as a hunter and it did what it was born to do. Can’t really fault it for that. All in all it was a brilliant movie recommended for all. That about wraps up another cra…..wonderful adventure. Have a pleasant evening.