82. Avalanche Sharks (2014)

Avalanche Sharks

 

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome, to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock lowers his head and the lights dim before returning to normal, he walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight, Mr. America and I have chosen to follow up with another shark movie. Isn’t this going to be fun?

*Mr. America is sitting in the recliner with his head leaning on his elbow*

America: Bushels of fun…..

Warlock: That’s wonderful. Also, because its a shark theme, you know what that means.

America: Don’t tell me….

Warlock: That’s right….another special analysis from noted scientist Dr. Taylor Ahern following the movie.

America: Yay….

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get this avalanche started, AVALANCHE SHARKS!

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Avalanche Sharks tells the story of a bikini contest that turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche.”

America: Wait, so when something goes wrong should I yell “AVALANCHE!!” or “SHARK!!!!”

 

*Movie opens with a red cross jeep*

America: MEDIC….MEDIC!!!! Wait, nothing happened yet. Nevermind.

Warlock: Its a little soon for that if you wanna kill yourself.

 

*Two idiots snowboard montage*

America: Did he just wipe out?

Warlock: Yeah, nice editing job.

America: He just kept on rolling.

 

*Idiot 1 says the warning sign gives him a hard on*

Warlock: That’s awful dialogue

America: The warning tape is like 2 feet long, some perimeter.

 

*Motar launcher dude fires mortars for no reason*

Warlock: Why is he firing mortars?

 

*The mortar shell demolish some wooden posts. The post emits a light which turn into a shark that kills the two dudes*

Warlock: Who needs a plot….or believable storyline.

America: Nice theme song.

Warlock: You know what I’m not even gonna bother taking this seriously. I do like the theme song though.

 

*Randy (Mike Ruggieri) beeps and Beca (Haley Stewart) says 5 minutes.*

America: They can talk??

 

*Wade (Alexander Mendeluk) is nowhere to be found*

Warlock: Deadpool’s not here lady.

 

*Wade: “My brother and his retard friend took off already*

Warlock and America: Hahahahahahaa

 

*Randy refuses to stop to let Beca pee. Randy “Mammoth Mountain is cursed by a local demon named Skookum*

America: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

 

*Randy says he wants to scare girls into bed with him*

Warlock: Into bed??

America: Hahahahahahaa

 

*Randy says a planet of sharks was struggling to save the planet*

America: So in short, the sharks are refugees from a dying world.

Warlock: So technically wouldn’t that make them the good guys?

America: After all that traveling, no wonder they’re hungry.

 

*Girl takes shirt off and throws it at Sheriff (Richard Gleason)*

Warlock: Lucky.

 

*Two girls giggle as some hillbilly gawks*

America: Who the hell are you?

 

*Hillbilly notices the shark swimming around. “They back!”

Warlock: With a brand new invention.

America: How is it brand new if its the first movie?

 

*Needless montage of the ski resort*

America: Still trying to figure out the point to this scene.

Warlock: Beautiful scenery?

 

*Wolf barks at the moon*

Warlock: Whalewolf makes his appearance.

 

*Wade and Madison (Kelle Cantwell) show up to party. Sheriff lights bonfire to declare Spring Break week open*

Warlock: Wowwwwwwwwwwww

 

*Shredder (Matt Gunther) is missing. Meanwhile Sherriff and his wife banter at home. She’s a marine biologist*

Warlock: At least we’re getting some character development.

 

*Wade calls the Sheriff and says Shredder is missing. He says he’ll get the ski patrol to help*

Warlock: Ski patrol?? You know what that means.

America: Beard.

Warlock: Stripe.

America: and Shades!

 

*Duffy (James Quimet) says Skookum got Shredder and his friend.  Ski patrol dude is named Dale (Eric Scott Woods) and he refuses to help Wade find Shredder*

Warlock: Yup, no help.

America: None.

 

*Duffy tells Ross the snow is gonna run red with his blood. Ross (John Hundreisser) “Ok, have a good one”

Warlock: Lunatic.

 

*The shark kills Ross*

Warlock: Was I supposed to care about him?

 

*Wade and Madison discuss Shredder’s possible whereabouts at the bar*

Warlock: He’s halfway down main street.

 

*Duffy leads team of snowdogs up the hill*

Warlock: Mush! Mush!

*The sharks scare the dogs away but Duffy is knocked down*

Warlock: Wonderful.

 

*Wade and Madison want Dale to check it out. Dale would rather tan. Wade “If something happens to him, I’m coming back for you.”

America: He’s comin for you sucka.

 

*Lars (Benjamin Easterday) tells Ross’ cousin that Ross could be with a girl. Lars owns the place. Meanwhile Sherriff walks in and the woman goes to her next*

Warlock: Does anybody care here?

 

*Lars says he’s got 10 guys looking for him*

Warlock: I thought there were 3.

 

(Lars finds Hiro (Amy Ninh) and walks off with her*

Warlock: This no good.

 

*Wade and Madison yell out for Shredder*

Warlock: The turtles know.

 

*Carol (Nicole Helen) wants help looking for Ross. Randy volunteers but to get in her pants*

Warlock: Ew.

 

*Mike (Richie Million Jr) and Barb (Erika Jordan) walk up a mountain. She promises to give him a sex treat*

Warlock: I’ll run up that mountain for that.

 

*Dale and Lars banter about the park*

Warlock: Woof.

 

*Mike wants to get it on with Barb. Barb wants Mike to say he loves her. He refuses so she storms off*

Warlock: This guy sucks.

 

*Barb yells at Mike. He looks dejected. She says she’s leaving and he’ll never see her again. Then she’s half eaten by a shark*

Warlock: You got that right.

 

*Duffy says Skookum ate his lead dog. Dale tells Sherriff to lock him up to not scare customers away. Duffy says Skookum hasn’t eaten in 25 years*

Warlock: What in the name of hell doesn’t eat for 25 years.

 

*Mike runs into Wade and Madison and raves about not saying he loves her. He says a shark ate her. Wade obviously doesn’t believe him*

Warlock: And who would believe him?

 

*Duffy says Skookum is back and Sherriff’s wife believes him. Apparently sharks killed her parents and Duffy saved her. Diana (Kate Nauta) is the wife’s name. She reveals Skookum is real and the sharks are real. Sherriff is named Adam and he’s gonna go check it out*

Warlock: Great…Skookum is real.

 

*Dale reports that Duffy has been scaring the customers away. Lars tells him to keep Duffy away and they’re golden. Meanwhile Mike, Wade and Madison walk around, Mike drops to his knees as Madison spots the sharks. Mike says he’s gonna stay behind. Mike screams that he loves Barb, life, everything. Finally he’s killed by the sharks*

Warlock: Took too long.

 

*Randy and Carol search for Ross and find his goggles. Randy is serious and says to find Adam. Wade and Madison run into Diana and Adam. They say the sharks are attacking. Diana believes them. Suddenly the sharks attack the group as Diana says its Skookum, the evil spirit*

Warlock: So not intimidating.

 

*Lars, Adam, Diana, Wade, Dale, Duffy, Carol, Randy and Madison are arguing. Finally the Mayor (Michael Dostrow) shows up and says to keep the park open. Mayor says its just a prank*

Warlock: I don’t believe him.

 

*Mayor says he’ll relieve Adam of duty and make Dale the new Sherriff. Meanwhile Adam grabs a shotgun. Wade volunteers as deputy, Adam says sure but he makes the orders. Adam and Wade tell everyone to stay behind while they investigate.*

Warlock: Some investigation.

America: Hardly.

 

*Dale hands Adam a note saying he’s been relieved of duty. He’s gonna lock up Wade and Lars runs up and tells Adam to leave. Adam says they got 5 missing people and to find them. Wade “You got 5 dead people on this mountain, I suggest you get off it*

Warlock: Good guy.

 

*The snowblower guy gets eaten by a shark*

America: Saw that coming.

 

*Randy tells the Skookum story to some girl.  Apparently people tried to goldrush the mountain in the 1800’s. The natives say the mountain was sacred. War broke out between natives and miners. When the natives were slaughtered, the shaman was the only one left. He summoned Skookum and his demons in the form of sharks to clense the mountains of the miners. They were locked up in totems that should never be disturbed or Skookum rises again*

Warlock: The mortar launcher guy from earlier.

 

*Adam tells the bad news to Diana. Wade rationalizes that Shredder is dead and so is Ross. Wade and Madison leave. The girl is Lola (Mika Brooks) and she has 2 guys race for a date with her*

Warlock: You can have her.

America: All yours.

 

*Snowrider 1 falls down, Number 2 makes it to Lola. The sharks eat them both*

Warlock: Bahahahahahaahahaaaaaaa

 

*Randy hits on Hiro badly*

America: He’s just not having any success.

 

*Duffy finds all his dogs dead*

Warlock: Neyz would be pissed.

 

*Beca and her friend in the hotub are eaten by sharks, the third one escapes with Wade and Madison*

Warlock: 2 down 1 to go.

 

*Hiro says she’s extreme in broken English. She goes to the backside while Randy goes another. Some random girl is eaten and Dale finally sees it. Meanwhile Hiro loads her mp3 player up and takes off*

America: Meanwhile Miss Extreme.

 

*Dale runs up to Wade after he accidentally elbows Madison in the face. He says he was right all along. Meanwhile Lars tells Mayor something is wrong. He sees an avalanche coming. His office is wiped out in the avalanche. Wade gets Madison to safety but  the third girl is eaten. Adam is eaten as well. Dale goes apeshit with a shotgun while Wade fires a pistol*

Warlock: If they’re ghosts, they can’t be killed.

 

*Dale is attacked but is still alive. They’re using him as bait. Meanwhile Diana reveals the way the sharks were warded off last time was by spiritual shamans. Meanwhile Duffy shows up to save Dale with a shotgun. He runs out of ammo and is eaten*

America: Yeah, that didn’t help.

 

*Duffy is half alive and says to shoot him. Wade blows his head off.Meanwhile Madison tries to grab the sharks attention. It works. Meanwhile Hiro find the broken totem poles*

Warlock: Oh don’t tell me….

 

*Wade. Madison, Carol and Diane are hiding in the cabin. The women make their escape while Wade stays behind and grabs a sniper rifle. Wade is attacked and a snipe rifle goes off. Dale says to come save him. Wade is alive and he tells them to stay still. Hiro puts a totem pole back and suddenly the shark that attacked Wade is gone*

Warlock: Unknowingly saved the day.

 

*Two sharks circle Carol, one kills her just as it disappears*

Warlock: Great, two down, one to go.

 

*Madison and Diane leave Dale as another shark disappears*

Warlock: Way to go Hiro.

 

*The last totem is broken as Dale, Wade, Diane and Madison are the only ones left. Hiro takes a snack break as another shark attacks the truck the four have made it to*

Warlock: Wonderful. Skookum is mad.

 

*Dale tries to get the sharks to attack him as another shark disappears. Wade says its over but Dale says its not. Diane “I bet my life its gone.” Dale “Forget your life its my life I care about.” Suddenly the shark attacks and kills Dale as the trio make it to the truck and leave. Hiro puts the last totem pole together and returns it to normal. Later on the totem pole falls and the credits roll*

America: I’m supposed to believe a strong breeze knocked that pole over?

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: 3 out of 10.

The Warlock: 2.5…no nudity. Barf!

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Absolute crap

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: I’ll pretend I didn’t see that later, but for now, its time to go to our good friend at the lab. Joining us live, via satellite is our shark expert, noted scientist Dr. Taylor Ahern. Taylor can you hear me?

*The DVD menu screen fades and Dr. Ahern appears on screen. He’s standing next to a picture of him in a Hawaiian shirt with his arm around a shark in a Hawaiian shirt*

Ahern: Yes Warlock, its great to be on again.

Warlock: What can you tell us about the new Avalanche Shark phenomenon.

Ahern: Quite frankly I’m not too wild about this idea. The idea of sharks in snow is rather ridiculous don’t you think?

Warlock: Yes I do, hence why we didn’t like the movie.

America: Wait, what?

Ahern: I like the idea of sending sharks to space to fight aliens and other creatures but to have them appear in the snow takes away from their perfect killer genome.

Warlock: Wouldn’t that make them deadlier killers if they can attack anywhere at any time?

Ahern: Of course, but you need to have SOME credibility.

America: But….but….

Warlock: I agree. Not everything can be Sharknado right?

Ahern: Exactly! Now there’s a franchise that swims fin-first into the storyline.

Warlock: Ha ha, I see what you did there.

America: Believable…storyline?

*America starts to Hulk Up*

Warlock: Any last words before we let you go Dr. Ahern?

Ahern: Yes, Sharknado 4 is going to be the most epic thing in the history of the United States….maybe Japan…the universe!

Warlock: We’ll be here to cover it. Thank you for your time.

Dr. Ahern: Thank you for having me again.

*The satellite feed fades and the dvd menu screen re-appears. Mr. America hops out of the recliner shaking with rage*

America: HOW IN THE HOLY HELL IS AVALANCHE SHARKS DEVOID OF CREDIBILITY AND NOT SHARK-FUCKING-NADO? SHARKS IN SPACE IS MORE BELIEVABLE THAN SHARKS IN SNOW??? ARE YOU KIDDING? GAHHHHH!!

*America throws his hands up and kicks the trashcan over before storming out of the lair*

Warlock: What’s his problem? Anyway have a pleasant evening.

 

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