81. Sharknado 3 (2015)

sharknado 3

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black Men’s Warehouse suit with white undershirt, black shoes, black tie and Gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire like a flamethrower in the air with his free hand and walks into the lair*

Warlock: Tonight is a special occasion, the long awaited SHARKNADO 3!

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing a brown Joseph A Bank suit with a white undershirt, brown shoes and Aviator shades*

Mr. America: Who the hell awaited this besides you?

Warlock: I’ll tell you who. After the movie we will be joined by noted scientist Dr. Taylor Ahern to discuss the ongoing phenomenon.

America: Him again?

Warlock: Oh yes, so let’s get to it.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s not delay, shall we? It’s time for Sharknado 3.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A monstrous tornado unleashes ravenous sharks from Washington, D.C., all the way down to Orlando, Florida.”

America: Again?

 

 

*Movie opens with a James Bond parody of Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) with the double chainsaw*

Warlock: Really?

 

*Fin is driven by Agent Devereaux (Ne-Yo) to the White House. He runs around DC while April (Tara Reid) is pregnant. Her mom May (Bo Derek) leads her to a clinic*

Warlock: Bo Derek looks better than Tara Reid, good god.

 

*Fin gets a service award from the President (Mark Cuban)*

Warlock: Heh, Mark Cuban is president.

America: Yayyyyy

 

*Fin and his brother in law Martin (Mark McGrath) hobnob as Agent Banner (Lou Ferrigno) takes a selfie with Fin*

Warlock: Agent Banner…hahaha

 

*Fin tells the President that he’s not safe. Vice President Sonia Buck (Ann Colter) doesn’t like it. Meanwhile the Sharknado strikes and wipes out Agent Devereaux. The sharks attack and kill Banner, the mayor of NY (Robert Klein) and other delegates. Martin makes a surfboard out of presidential pictures to surf to safety with Buck. Meanwhile the secret service is wiped out leaving only Fin and the President remaining. They arm themselves and start going to town on the sharks as DC is wiped out*

America: I love how this movie wastes no time at all.

 

*Fin and President jump to safety as the White House crumbles. Meanwhile Martin and Sonia catch up with them. The four of them hold up a flagpole in a parody of world war 2 to impale a shark*

America: Today’s special, shark shiskebab.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Oh sure, now we get the credits.

 

*Claudia (Ryan Newman), May and April walk around Universal Studios. May wants a cocktail. Meanwhile Today goes over the ruins of DC. Hoda and Kathy Lee (themslves) are enjoying whine. Babs (Kim Richards) introduces herself to April. Bruce the ride technician (Chris Jericho) sets April on her way*

Warlock: Welcome to SHARK….

America:….IS…..

Warlock:…..JERICHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

*April’s friend Jess (Blair Fowler) goes with her*

Warlock: Jeeeeesus.

 

*Fin drives through a fog infested town when a Sharknado strikes. He almost buys it. Fin “Fognado!” Nova Clarke (Cassie Scherbo) and Lucas Stevens (Frankie Muniz) save him*

Warlock: Wow….Frankie got old.

 

*Nova and Lucas have turned a winnebago into a mini-tank. Fin “You gotta be kiddin me”

Warlock: Amen.

 

*Nova tells Fin that the sharks are appearing at will and eat abnormal things. Meanwhile May and April go over baby names. Meanwhile Nova wants to enlist Fin to help. He refuses but they agree to drive him to Orlando anyway. Billy and Jonesy (Melvin Gregg) and Jack Griffo) hit on Claudia and Jess. Meanwhile Nova has a bayonette attached to a shotgun*

America: Oh I like that.

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*A shark attacks the wading pool, May stops April from saving the lifeguard. Al Roker (himself) calls it the Feast Coast*

Warlock: This is more serious than I thought.

 

*Fin tells April to get Claudia and get somewhere safe. Meanwhile Chad and Billy continue to go after Jess and Claudia*

Warlock: Sorry folks, should have told you about the subplot.

 

*Jarod Fogle (himself) has his pants inducted into the Smithsonian when a shark attacks*

Warlock: You won’t see him anymore.

America: Nope

 

*Nova, Fin and Lucas hit up Charleston Air Force Base. Sgt Warren (Kellita Smith) is skeptical. Fin wants to see General Gottlieb (Tim Russ)*

America: For an Air Force Base, I don’t see any planes.

 

*Gottlieb introduces himself*

Warlock: Hey its Tuvok.

 

*Lucas says it could be a Sharkicane*

Warlock: Oh great.

 

*Sergent Rock (Lorenzo Lamas) leads Fin and April to a plane. Meanwhile Lucas has both arms and both legs eaten off. He detonates the Beast that ends the Sharknado but takes him out. Fin says they have to go or he’ll have died for nothing*

Warlock: So long Frankie.

 

*Nova goes nuts and say she’s gonna kill all of the sharks. Fin says he tried it 3 times and it didn’t work. They share bonding moments*

Warlock: Wonderful, more subplot. 46 minutes to go.

 

*Chad and Jess make out as Billy and Claudia look on miffed. Fin and Nova fly to the Daytona 500*

Warlock: Start your engines.

 

*The sharknado wipes out the Daytona 500*

America: Nice F-4 Phantom……and you just entered a flatspin.

 

*Fin and Nova crash land, they both emerge half naked*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*April and May search for Claudia as Nova and Fin get packed for battle. Meanwhile April and May split up. April runs into Bruce who says to follow her and stay close. Meanwhile Jerry Springer (himself) wants his picture taken until he’s killed by a shark*

Warlock: No Steve to save him?

 

*Bruce and Claudia make it to the top of the ride as a shark wipes out Chad and Jess. Claudia and Billy run away. Meanwhile Fin finds Claudia on the top of the ride. Bruce is eaten by a shark as Fin escapes and kills the shark*

Warlock: Nooooo, not Jericho!!!!

 

*Claudia, Fin, Billy, April. Nova and May reunite and try to lead a crowd of people to safety as a shark takes out Lester Williams (himself) of TMZ*

America: Since when does he do live news updates?

Warlock: They just wanted him to make a cameo.

 

*Nova says Lucas plans were either nuke everything in sight or to create a giant volcano. Fin calls his father Gilbert (David Hasselhoff). The crew drives off as a shark takes out Babs*

America: Doesn’t matter know.

 

*Gilbert hangs with Stylo (Penn) and Caisser (Teller). Fin interrupts them and Gilbert gives him a tongue lashing. Nova spots another Sharknado on its way and Gilbert says to call him Colonel. Fin says that he needs to take a space shuttle to destroy the sharks once and for all. Colonel refuses to help at first. He then calls Jonsey (Michael Winslow) who helps them*

Warlock: PU when is this over??

 

*Colonel and Fin are going into space. The sarge (Chad Johnson) gets Fin ready and tells a bad joke*

America: That joke was as bad as his playing for New England.

 

*Nova hugs Fin and sends him on his way*

Warlock: Awww, isn’t that sweet?

 

*Fin nods at himself in the mirror*

Warlock: Hahaha what?

 

*Fin walks in slowmotion through the fog*

Warlock: I thought Hasselhoff was supposed to do that.

 

*April tries to talk Fin out of it, he refuses. Colonel tells him its time to go. The sharknado strikes before they are ready to go. Fin has to bring April with them. Nova is brought in to fly the F-35 into the sharknado to generate heat. Meanwhile Billy and Claudia run out into it. They start going to town on the flying sharks*

Warlock: Good god this is horrible.

 

*Billy and Claudia run out of bullets and have to run back inside. Meanwhile the shuttle launches. Billy is eaten while Claudia makes it inside*

Warlock: So much for him.

 

*The shuttle detonates a rocket….it doesn’t work. Colonel goes into Plan B…..a death star like laser blast. Major Rene Jourbet (Bruno Salomone) is called to help. Meanwhile Al Roker and his crew are all eaten by sharks*

Warlock: About time.

 

*Colonel must go out to manually start the sequence*

Warlock: He’s gotta get out and push.

America: For a super duper satellite, that looks like an advanced control panel.

 

*The laser blast begins to break up the Sharknado. Mission control says that they can’t go back and save the Colonel. All of a sudden sharks begin attacking the shuttle in outer space*

Warlock: Oh they’re really reaching for plot now.

America: There wasn’t much to begin with.

 

*A demented looking seal attacks*

Warlock and America: THAT’S NOT EVEN A SHARK!!

 

*April is swallowed whole and the shuttle is destroyed. Fin uses a jetpack to fly into the shark that ate her. He begin punching his way through the shark and opens a parachute as it crashes through the ozone layer and lands on a beach*

Warlock: Yeah, very realistic.

 

*April cuts her way out of the shark that ate her as April hands Fin her baby before being pulled out. She walks out*

Warlock: She wouldn’t be able to stand.

America: And her stomach wouldn’t automatically shrink.

 

*Fin names the baby Gil in honor of Colonel. The camera pans to the moon where Colonel Shepard gives a salute amidst sharks*

America: How did he get on the moon?

Warlock: Oh THAT you’re questioning?

 

*Movie ends with April being apparently crushed by falling debris. End credits*

 

Mr. America’s assessment: I’ll give it a 3.

The Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 3. They’re getting worse.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Garbage

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Apparently the shock factor has worn off so the makers of this movie said “to hell with it” and created this huge piece of nonsense. It was a little concerning to see a franchise give up all hope but what are you going to do? Now joining us live, via satelite from his lab is noted scientist Dr. Taylor Ahern. Taylor can you hear us?

*The tv screen fades and we see inside Dr. Ahern’s lab. He pours one substance from one beaker to another before putting it down*

Taylor: Yes, it is good to see you gentlemen again.

*Warlock and America look around*

America: Gentlemen?

Warlock: What can you tell us on Sharkando 3 and going into outer space?

Ahern: Oh it is a fabulous day to see all our hard work pay off. The things we can do with sharks today, its glorious! If we can send a rocket to the moon, we can send a shark to Jupiter!

America: No love for Mars.

Warlock: What about the direction of the franchise and longtime fans anger over the plot going completely bananas?

Ahern: Bananas? It was outstanding. The essence of the shark was captured perfectly. They’re killers no matter where they are.

Warlock: Good point.

America: So what is Sharknado 4 going to look like?

Ahern: Hopefully we’ll see Rambo vs Sharknado. Maybe Rambo and Terminator vs Sharknado. Its going to be amazing! Amazing!

*Ahern starts throwing the beakers in the air and electricity goes off all over the room. The feed cuts right then and there*

Warlock: Hope he didn’t just electrocute himself.

America: Nah, he’s fine….maybe.

Warlock: Well that wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

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