80. Suburban Commando (1991)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, black gargoyle shades and white sneakers. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock makes a circle of fire with his hands and throws it at the sky where it does a 360 before fizzling. Warlock enters the lair*

Warlock: Inspired by Secret Agent Club, Mr.America and I decided to take a look at another Hulk Hogan movie. The infamous Suburban Commando!

*Mr. America is in the recliner. He’s wearing a green camo vest, combat fatigues, black combat boots, a green camo hat and aviator shades*

America: Listen dude, don’t be dissing Hogan, brother. His movies are better than some of the other movies we’ve seen, Jack!

Warlock: Well then we’ll find out if this one is, shall we?

*Warlock hands America the DVD and he puts it in the player as Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s not delay, its time for Suburban Commando!

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Shep Ramsey is an interstellar hero, righting wrongs, etc. His ship is damaged after a fight with an interstellar nasty and he must hide out on Earth until it can recharge.”

America: Interstellar nasty?

Warlock: That’s what it says.

 

*Movie opens with tie fighters and super star destroyer in space*

Warlock: Wait, this looks familiar.

America: Battlestar Galactica?

 

*Suitor (William Ball) threatens President (Nick Eldredge) that he’s conquering his world. President won’t surrender. A  yellow alert breaks out*

America: Condition yellow!

 

*Shep Ramsey (Hulk Hogan) wipes out everybody easily and knocks out two guards by ramming them in the elevator voice*

America: Bahahaha’

 

*Hogan is attacked by two goons (Ed “Brutus Beefcake” Leslie)*

Warlock: That’s Brutus Beefcake!

America: You’re right.

 

*President cuts Suitor’s hand off but Suitor goes mutant voice (Frank Welker) and Hogan runs away into his ship.*

America: I love how there’s no mention of what happened to the president.

 

*Ramsey gets a call from his commanding officer Zanuck (Roy Dotrice) and he blows his power cell by banging against the console. He requests a bug hunt with aliens bleeding acid*

Warlock: Nice Aliens reference.

 

*Repair time will be 6 weeks. His boss says to lay low for 6 weeks*

Warlock: Just 6 weeks?

 

*Charlie Wilcox (Christopher Lloyd) gets interrupted by his daughter Theresa (Laura Mooney) as a really corny theme song plays with Hogan crooning*

Warlock: Why is this theme song catchy yet lousy?

 

*Jenny Wilcox (Shelley Long) tells her husband Charlie to demand a raise from his boss. Their son Mark (Michael Faustino) runs around. Jenny puts Charlie in a chinlock and tells Charlie to man up*

Warlock: We’ve seen more wrestling holds from her than we have from Hogan.

 

*Charlie cuts a promo demanding a raise….to the receptionist. He walks into Adrian Beltz (Larry Miller) in Adrian’s office and Adrian cuts him off. Charlie is inept at asking for a raise*

Warlock: What a complete wimp!

 

*Adrian insults Mr. Zulaki (Richard Narita) and Zulaki says he;s going to hate this guy in Japanese*

Warlock: Ha..ha

 

*Ramsey crash lands through a garage*

America: Oh right here looks good.

 

*Ramsey hits a switch and disco music plays with strobe lights*

America: He crashed into a skating rink

 

*Charlie drag races cars and loses badly*

Warlock: Wow…

 

*Ramsey walks down the street in his space clothes and every body stares at him. He punches a vending machine and everyone scoops up coins and free soda. He spots a dog muzzled in the hot sun. The owner tells Ralph the dog to shut up. Hogan is mad*

America: You’ve done it now!

 

*Next frame shows the owner muzzled in the car with Ralph eating at the restaurant. Hogan has also stolen the dude’s clothes*

Warlock: Of course they fit perfectly.

America: Of course.

 

*Ramsey steals an Apartment for Rent sign*

America: There’s no contact number on the sign, just an arrow. Pretty sure you didn’t have to take the damn sign with you.

 

*Charlie’s neighbors yell at him. He nearly gets wuped out by a race car. Colonel McHowell (Jack Elam) yells at him for being ball-less*

Warlock: Haha Jack Elam.

 

*Charlie is dejected and Jenny tries to seduce him with a wig and robe. Charlie says he’s not in the mood*

America: Awww c’mon, you’re killing me.

 

*Charlie says he’s looking forward to his workshop. He walks in and his tools and work bench are gone. He screams and Jenny explains they rented out the space as an apartment. Charlie is dejected*

America: Guess who walks in.

 

*Ramsey is the one who wants the room to rent*

America: Called that one. What a great people person.

 

*Charlie says Ramsey is dangerous and Shep walks in holding the two kids by their necks. He drops them. Mark “That was cool, can we do it again?” Shep says he’s from France and he hits his head on the chandelier*

America: Hahaha

 

*Charlie spies on Ramsey*

America: He’s suspicious!

 

*Charlie spots Ramsey with high tech gadgets. Ramsey leaves and Charlie sneaks in. Charlie shoots one of his guns that goes through the lampshade, the wall and fries the race car outside*

Warlock: Holy shit.

Amercica: That’s one powerful lazer

 

*The lazer gun alerts Suitor and his Commander (Christopher Neme) to Ramsey’s presence. Suitor brings in Knuckles (Tony Longo) and Hutch (The Undertaker) to go get him*

Warlock: Its The Undertaker!

America: Oh god.

 

*Charlie “I got Darth Vader living in my garage”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Charlie says goodbye to Shep the next morning who’s working out. He hears a scream and runs inside. He tackles Jenny who explains screaming helps relieve stress*

America: Bahahaha

Warlock: Oh you’re having a blast with this.

 

*Ramsey beats up the mailman (Marc Miles) and goes to take out the paperboy (Will Miles) but Jenny stops him. Jenny goes inside and Shep nails the paperboy anyway. Shep “Bulls eye smartass”*

America: Hahahaha

 

*Shep tries a skateboard and lands on his ass. He then throws the skateboard into the next town over. Colonel McHowell introduces himself. Meanwhile Charlie loses another drag race. Back home, McHowell tells Shep an old war story. Once again Charlie can’t park in his driveway because of the neighbors cars. Shep lifts the car and moves it out of the way. They threaten Shep not to beat him up, but to sue him. Meanwhile two racers nearly run over Mark, Shep pulls him to safety then chases after the racers*

America: Now you pissed him off.

 

*Shep turns the car over with the racers inside and rips the door off. He goes to beat up the two kids but Charlie stops him. The family awards him with chocolate cake but Ramsey is skeptical*

Warlock: He saves their lives and all they got is cake?

 

*They take a family picture and Shep looks up in the nick of time*

America: He wasn’t even paying attention.

 

*A random goon mugs a lady for her purse. Ramsey catches him and uses a fireman’s carry to dump the guy in the dumpster before returning the purse*

America: Just taking out the trash.

 

*Talking car tells Shep to back up, Shep steps on the car’s voice. “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”

Warlock: Really?

 

*Shep stops to check out a mime (Tom Morga). He thinks the mime is in a force field and will help him out. He punches out the mime and walks away. Mime “I should have stuck to juggling”

Warlock and America: Bahahahahaha

 

*Ramsey goes back to his ship and Charlie follows him. His power cell is 70% below operational, needs 21 more days to recharge. After Shep leaves, Charlie investigates the ship. Meanwhile Ramsey walks by an arcade and Mark is losing at an arcade game. Shep gives a motivational speech and beats the game….almost literally as the game shoots up a white flag*

America: They were playing Afterburner the whole time. There’s no shields or spaceships, its a jet fighter…ughhhh

 

*The kids at the arcade cheer Ramsey. He leaves and throws the mime around again. Meanwhile Charlie continues to screw around in Ramsey’s ship*

America: You’re gonna give away his position!

 

*Charlie finds the muscle amplifier gloves and the x-ray goggles. He puts on Ramsey’s gear and sees a woman (Jennifer Delora) being taken advantage of.  One of the punks shoots Charlie who falls down. He recovers with his rocket boots and knocks them down. He leaves behind the lazer gun*

Warlock: That’s not good.

 

*Hutch and Knuckles spot the skateboard in space flung by Shep earlier*

Warlock: How cheesy.

 

*Next morning Ramsey stumbles upon a little girl (Elisabeth Moss) who’s missing her cat. Shep spots a cat in a tree and lowers the tree. Only the girl says its not her cat and pouts. Shep lets go of the tree and the cat goes flying*

America: Its a modern day cat-a-pault!

 

*Shep goes to his ship and spots Knuckles and Hutch on their way. He goes to prepare but notices something missing. He confronts Charlie’s secretary who gets in his face and tells him to take a seat. He picks up the whole bench and the secretary yells at him. Meanwhile Adrian asks Charlie to make up blueprints for his clients by that night*

Warlock: Huh?

 

*Shep confronts Charlie and secretary pulls a gun on him. Charlie says its ok. Shep says he needs his gun and asks Charlie where he left it. Shep pulls the door off Charlie’s car and says “let’s go.” He then tells Charlie ruthless killers are on their way.*

Warlock: Nothing to be worried about.

 

*Charlie and Shep go back to the sight to find the gun. Shep pulls out a PKE Meter and says they can track the gun with it*

Warlock: Stolen right from Ghostbusters.

 

*Charlie and Shep stumble upon a frozen guard outside a bank. Apparently whoever stole the gun froze everybody, literally. They walk in and Jingle Bells starts playing*

America and Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Shep beats up the two crooks and one of the crooks shoots him….only Shep downs anti-freeze and takes them both out. Meanwhile Knuckles and Hutch finally show up. Shep locks them in the vault and carries the frozen Charlie away*

Warlock: Hogan vs The Undertaker on film.

 

*Shep drives Charlie’s car as Charlie thaws out*

America: That’s one way to cool off.

 

*Charlie comes to and says Shep is home free. Shep says the bounty hunters are there. Charlie asks if he’s the good guy why are bounty hunters after him? Shep says Suitor paid them off. Meanwhile Knuckles and Hutch hit the drive though in a stolen Just Married car and the clerk asks what kind of burger they want*

America: Is the “Shut Up” burger available?

 

*Knuckles blows away the speaker and uses their own PKE Meter to find Shep. Meanwhile Ramsey goes to leave when his circuits blow. Ramsey says they need to fight. He enlists Charlie to help him. Charlie refuses and they yell at each other. Ramsey says forget it, he’ll fight them alone. Shep says the only thing that will help is a special crystal. Charlie figures out Adrian has it*

America; The evil boss has it coming.

 

*Ramsey and Charlie are in full tuxedo as they attend the benefit. The secretary Margie (Jo Ann Dearing) hits on him but Charlie pulls him away*

America: Heh!

 

*Charlie leads Shep to Adrian’s stock room and says there’s the crystal…only there’s nothing in there. Shep “Thanks, you’ve been a bg help. I’ll be leaving now.” Charlie argues its in the building and they use the x-ray goggles to find them, alerting the bounty hunters to their presence*

America: Their spaceship looks like a little bug.

 

*Charlie makes sure Adrian, Zukaki and others are gone before he and Ramsey take the crystals. Margie pulls a gun on them but the bounty hunters shoot their way in. Ramsey goes to clobber them but Knuckles catches the lead pipe and Knuckles bends it. Hutch straightens it and throws it back. Shep then makes a rabbit out of it*

Warlock: Oh good grief.

 

*Shep whacks Knuckles and he goes through the floor. Hutch uses his rocket boots to spear Shep through the wall. Hutch has post it notes on him as he clotheslines Shep down. He goes to finish off Shep but Ramsey sticks paper clips in the rocket boots that launch Hutch through the roof “Have a nice flight camel breath!”

Warlock: Sounds like something the ninja turtles would say.

 

*Shep is dragged through the floor by Knuckles. Meanwhile Hutch shoots through the women’s bathroom and gets a toilet stuck on his head*

Warlock: There’s a highlight for the Undertaker that he never wants shown.

 

*The elevator shaft squashes Knuckles as Hutch says in a kiddie voice “You’re a dead man Ramsey” Shep “No wonder you guys never talk.”

Warlock: Taker’s voice is really deep,that’s the best part.

 

*Shep wins a game of ring around the rosey as Hutch goes crashing into the cement wall*

America: I think Hogan won that one.

 

*Shep is busted open and Charlie offers to drive him to a hospital. Shep says he doesn’t want to put Charlie’s family in danger. He says he’s leaving before anyone else intrudes. Meanwhile Jenny locks up for the night and goes to bed. All of a sudden Suitor himself walks in the door. Charlie pulls up and runs in the house. Suitor takes the whole family hostage*

Warlock: Is it time for the big fight?

America: Heading that way.

 

*Suitor brings the family into Shep’s garage and shoots at him, missing. Suitor hides behind Theresa and Shep reluctantly hits the self destruct sequence before popping out with a gun. He says leave the family alone, take him. Suitor lets them go and we’re down to one on one. Shep drops the gun and Suitor gives him a speech. Shep “This is how I’m gonna go out, bored to death by one of your speeches?”

America: Hahaha

 

*Charlie drops the wife and kids off and goes back to help Shep. Suitor taunts Ramsey by shooting at him and missing. Charlie crashes through the wall with his car as Charlie calls him a sonovabitch. Charlie puts on the amplifier glove and punches Suitor in the gonads…which transforms him into a mutant (Vincent Hammond)

America: Huh?

Warlock: What?

 

*Shep tries to fight Mutant Suitor but gets creamed. Shep then electrocutes Suitor. Shep gets Charlie out of there as the ship explodes and takes out Suitor and the garage. The cops show up with Jenny and the kids as Charlie and Shep walk out to safety. Shep says Charlie took on Suitor with his bare hands*

Warlock: Blah

 

*Next morning Charlie shows up looking haggard and tells Adrian he’s full of garbage. He quits and hits Adrian in the head with the blueprint. Shep walks away wearing ridiculous clothes*

Warlock: You couldn’t pay me to wear those pants

 

*Shep does skateboard tricks and breaks the skateboard, Shep hands the kid his own skateboard. The kid says cowabunga*

Warlock: Ripping off ninja turtles now?

 

*Little Girl begs Shep to save the kitty, Shep does but the tells her to get a goldfish*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Shep says goodbye to Charlie and the family. He takes off in the bounty hunters’ ship back to his home planet. Meanwhile Charlie finally wins the drag race and shoots out the street light with the lazer gun*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*End credits*

Warlock: Finally

 

Mr. America’s assessment: I’m torn. I’m gonna give it a 6, its not a blockbuster but its an enjoyable watch.

Warlock’s assessment: That was cheesy, 90’s crap. I give it a 4.5

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*’

Warlock: Well that was laughably stupid. It had its moments but like most Hogan movies, it falls short of being anything good. Well that about wraps….

*America pops up like Popeye and shouts*

America: Alright that’s it! You’ve insulted Hogan for the last time. Its go time!

Warlock: You can’t be serious.

*America charges but Warlock flicks his wrist and America goes head over heels over the recliner*

Warlock: Have you gone nuts?

*America then pops up like Popeye, shaking his fists and his head*

Warlock: What the hell’s the matter with you?

*Warlock flicks his wrist and America throws his neck to the side and shakes his head*

Warlock: Will you stop?

*Warlock flicks his wrist and America throws his neck to the other side and shakes his head*

Warlock: Oh the hell with it.

*Warlock punches America but America no-sells it and Hulks Up around the room. Warlock punches him again, America stops. He points his index finger in Warlock’s face and says “YOUUUUU!!!!!” Warlock goes for another punch but America blocks it and punches Warlock in the face, stunning him.Warlock goes for another punch, but it too is blocked and Warlock is nailed in return. America lands an unobstructed punch then Irish whips Warlock into the couch. Warlock staggers off and walks into a big boot that drops him on the ground. America puts his hand to his ear, gets some running distance and drops the big leg across the chest of Warlock. America covers and hooks the leg as Jay-Z Jedley bursts out of the closet wearing a referee’s shirt and makes the count…1…..2….THREEEE! Jay-Z runs back in the closet, rings a bell,  then runs over to cue the stereo which plays Real American, as Mr. America celebrates. America poses for nobody and gives the thumbs up*

America: Have a pleasant evening, brothers!

 

 

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