79. Secret Agent Club (1996)

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*The Warlock and Mr. America pull up to The Lair in Warlock’s red 1958 Plymouth Fury. Both are ripped with tans, wearing Hawaiian shirts with khaki shorts. America has aviator shades while Warlock has gargoyles. Warlock is carrying luggage while America is empty handed*

Warlock: Well…we’re back. That was some vacation.

America: Yeah really, it was a great idea to go visit Mr. Wallstreet in Florida.

Warlock: Wish we could have stayed longer.

America: We stayed 5 months. You’re lucky you’re not evicted.

Warlock: Evicted, schmicted. No chance in hell that would happen. By the way, little help?

America: Nah, I don’t need help. You gonna get the door?

Warlock: I’m gonna set you on fire as soon as I put these bags down.

America: Wow, is that your mailbox?

*Warlock gets to the top step where the mailbox is flooded and overflowing. There’s a package on the ground*

America: I’m surprised no one has stolen anything.

Warlock: I can burn down the whole neighborhood if I wanted, you’d think anyone would mess with me?

America: Good point.

*Warlock fumbles with the keys and drops his bags before unlocking the door*

Warlock: Do you mind?

America: Certainly not.

*America steps over the bags and walks into the lair*

Warlock: Yeah big help.

*Warlock gathers his bags and the mail as Mr. America settles into the recliner*

America: Ahhh, missed my old chair.

Warlock: That’s Neyzor Blades chair…or Mr. Wallstreet’s.

America: Neither are here are they?

*Warlock goes through the mail*

America: By the way, is that the package Wallstreet told us he sent while we were leaving?

Warlock: How would I know, I haven’t opened it yet!

America: Well hurry up.

*Warlock cuts open the package and laughs*

Warlock: You gotta be shittin me.

America: What?

*Warlock pulls out a card along with a DVD*

America: He sent us a movie?

Warlock: And a card too.

*Warlock reads the card*

Warlock: “Thanks for visiting you guys. Here’s a parting gift I’m sure you’ll hate. Mr. Wallstreet”

America: That’s nice of….wait, sure we’ll HATE?

*Warlock hands America the DVD*

America: Oh god…….HOGAN!!!

*Warlock turns to the camera*

Warlock: Welcome back to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. The bad boys are back, I’m your host The Warlock, with me is Mr. America and today we have a special treat, compliments of Mr. Wallstreet. Today’s movie is SECRET AGENT CLUB! The 1996 movie starring Hulk Hogan. Yes of course I’m serious.

*Warlock takes his spot on the right side of the couch as America puts the dvd in*

Warlock: So let’s not waste any time shall we? Let’s start Secret Agent Club

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Dad by day, secret agent at night”

America: Now we’ll see how good a secret agent he really is.

 

*Hit Entertainment*

America: I don’t think they have the right company name.

 

*Camera pans to various toys*

America: This is a pee-wee league of secret agents.

 

*High voltage battery unit*

Warlock: HIGH VOLTAGE!

America: I’m not impressed with anything

 

*Random ferret mulls around*

Warlock: Those things stink, perfect for this movie.

 

*Big breasted lady shills an electric gun as Ray Chase (Hulk Hogan) sneaks around in a ski mask*

America: Better watch out for that ferret.

 

*Chase knocks a guard out as the Sheik (Vachik Mangassarian) hops off a helicopter and enters the building. Chase then scales the high voltage fence. Big breasted lady calls out for Wrecks (Richard Moll)*

Warlock: Hey look its Bull from Night Court.

America: Otto in Night Train To Terror.

 

*Eve (Lesley-Anne Down) shills the “longbow lazer gun” as Wrecks grunts at someone. Chase then electrocutes a random general*

Warlock: Shocking.

 

*Chase walks into the ballroom wearing the random general’s uniform*

Warlock: The general was a foot shorter, of course the uniform fits perfectly.

America: Of course, its Hogan!

 

*Eve disintegrates one of the helpers and then blows away the Sheik’s chopper plus his staff. Eve taunts Sheik and starts the bidding at “ten billion dollars”….after dinner*

Warlock: Well dinner’s gonna be late since you just disintegrated one of the workers.

 

*Chase punches out Wrecks who doesn’t even change his expression and uses a wine glass to remove the lazer gun from its stand. Chase then knocks out one of the helpers*

Warlock: That was a great Hulkapunch.

 

*Chase climbs down a wall*

Warlock: Nice stunt double.

 

*Wrecks stumbles out and takes half of his shades off, grunts*

Warlock: Why would he take a role such as this?

America: Desperation.

 

*Wrecks blows away everything but Chase. Eve “Nice shooting:

Warlock: Perfect A-Team accuracy.

 

*Chase stands at the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean. Eve, the helpers and Wrecks think they have him cornered. He jumps*

Warlock: Geronimoooooooooo

 

*Chase makes it to his speedboat as Wrecks once again shoots and misses. Eve asks how he could let him to get away. Wrecks says “sorry, it won’t happen again”. Eve “Can you possibly kill him next time?” Wrecks “Oh yeah”

Warlock: That should have been Randy Savage’s roll.

 

*Next day is little league day. Jeremy Chase (Matthew McCurley) looks sad. Sly (Maurice Woods) wants to make a bet on the game*

Warlock: Pete Rose would approve.

America: That’s good, they’re gonna learn how to throw games early.

 

*Rosalie (Ashley Power) hits an inside the park home run. Jeremy is sad that his dad isn’t there. Meanwhile Ray changes in the car on the way to the game. The kids look 12 yet are playing in 7 year old instructional league*

Warlock: Wait, they’re like 12….that’s instructional league.

 

*Ray’s disguised as a complete nerd. Everyone makes fun of him including a lady in the bleachers (Allison Bibicoff). The umpire (Brian Knobbs) waves to Ray as he makes his way to the field and tosses him a glove*

Warlock: Bahahahaha, Brian Knobbs is the umpire.

America: Is Sags a heckler in the stands?

Warlock: He should be. By the way, now it makes sense, its a father/son game.

 

*Chase makes the game winning catch on a routine pop-up from a heckling batter (M.C. Gainey). He gets a standing O and carried off the field*

Warlock: Carried off the field for making a routine catch?

America: As we celebrate the mundane.
*Chase’s toy store is called Ray’s Toy Go Round*

America: If we’re gonna start celebrating the mundane, when my alarm clock goes off, I’m gonna carry myself out of bed.

 

*Mr Yamata (James Hong) greets The Chases’ on their way in. Jeremy complains to Yamata about Ray shwoing up late and not going out for pizza. Meanwhile Ray makes a call to a top secret ship “somewhere in the Pacific”

Warlock: Somewhere in the pacific?

America: Better than Parts Unknown.

 

*General Anderson (Lyman Ward) wants Ray to bring the gun. Ray says he can’t because he has Jeremy with him. Meanwhile Jeremy complains that Ray wasn’t there when his mom died. Yamata tries to talk sense into him*’

Warlock: This kid can’t act.

 

*Jeremy spots the lazer gun. He’s excited. Ray says he can look but don’t touch. Kid picks it up anyway*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Two police cruisers pull up in front of the toy store. Ray smells a rat, rushes Jeremy into the car and drives up. Ray slows down and one of the “officers” shoots the wrong guy who crashes into a tree*

Warlock: Nice aim buddy.

 

*Really crappy chase scene commences with an excited Jeremy but nervous Ray*

America: Wheeeee

 

*Ray fires a missle from his car and doesn’t blow up the other cruiser, just takes out the engine*

Warlock: Of course…couldn’t blow up the bad guys.

 

*Wrecks pulls pulls up with the broken shades. Ray tells Jeremy to get out and go find Max Simpson (Edward Albert). Ray is captured by Wrecks and two goons*

America: He’s limping horribly. When I had a walking boot with 3 fractures, I didn’t hobble THAT badly.

 

*Wrecks throws Jeremy off a roof but he rides an inflatable teddy bear to safety*

Warlock: This is ridiculous.

 

*Jeremy escapes Wrecks but Ray is gone. Jeremy runs home and the “cops” are already there. Jeremy spots a sign that says “Secret Club” and runs down into it*

America: Its not very secretive if you give away the damn location.

 

*Sly is unconvinced Ray is a secret agent. There is a Virtual Boy behind him*

Warlock: A virtual boy….holy 1996.

 

*Bart (Danny McCye) gets beat up by Rosalie who’s apparently his sister. Jeremy says the cops are fake and will prove it. They all run out and there’s nobody there. Max Simpson (Edward Albert) walks out of the house and when he’s gone, the kids run in. The place is trashed. Jeremy figures out the bad guys are looking for the gun. Bart says Ray is dead*

America: How about Debbie Downer Award winner?

 

*Jeremy says to hit up the toy store. Yamata is cleaning the place out when Wrecks stumbles in. Yamata fights him off until Wrecks gets the upper hand. Wrecks pushes over a shelf on top of Yamata. Meanwhile the kids make their way to the toy store with a really out of place sappy song playing*

Warlock: Not exactly suspenseful.

America: Wowwwwwwww

 

*The kids are joined by Shigeo (Jimmy Pham) who’s Yamata’s grandson*

America: I like how Shigeo got scared just by Jeremy saying hi. Why??

 

*Rosalie screams when she sees Yamata’s legs sticking out from under the fallen shelf. Meanwhile Ray has a virtual reality nightmare of Jeremy shouting at him looking for the ray gun. Eve walks in as Doc (Jack Nance) explains the process. Wrecks calls in and says he doesn’t have the gun and Eve makes him apologize again*

America: Let’s start a pool, how many times will it happen again?

 

*Yamata is hauled off in an ambulance. Shigeo has nowhere to stay, naturally the kids invite him to join them. Meanwhile Eve says she’s sending Scarletti (Barry Bostwick) to get the job done. Wrecks is unhappy*

America: Mr. Frowny Face Debbie Downer here.

 

*The kids says to find the impounded car and they’ll find the gun. Naturally they know exactly where to go. Wrecks pulls up shortly after. Rosalie finds the smashed up car. Jeremy finds the gun as Wrecks hobbles after them. The kids lock the doors and scream*

Warlock: Why didn’t they just run? He can’t run after them.

 

*Jeremy drives off and knocks down Wrecks. They then escape the car and run away, Wrecks takes Jeremy’s shoe off and throws it at him*

Warlock: Mike Milbury would be proud.

 

*The kids ride their bikes away as Wrecks drives after them. The kids toss Sly the gun and they split up. Scarletti shows up in the van and shoots at Wrecks. The kids trust him and Wrecks rips the door off his own car. Scarletti introduces himself as Max Simpson and the kids fall for it*

Warlock: Am I the only one not fooled?

America: What do you mean?

Warlock: That can’t possibly be Max Simpson.

 

*Inside Scarletti’s home, he does a magic trick*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Scarletti then magically makes coins appear in their hands. Meanwhile Doc has Ray still going through the nightmare scenes. Ray resists as Doc insists on drilling a hole in his head. Meanwhile Scarletti says they’re at a safehouse. Scarletti reveals that Ray is a secret agent working for SHADOW. Scarletti asks where the gun is, Jeremy says Sly has it. They’re meeting him at the bomb shelter in an hour. Shigeo has to call his grandfather, Scarletti disappears to the van. The kids are excited. Meanwhile Doc continues to work over Ray. Meanwhile Ray pops up like Popeye and knocks him out*

America: Heh!

Warlock: That didn’t take long.

 

*Ray calls Jeremy. He tells Jeremy to tell Simpson where Eve is. Meanwhile Eve captures him again. Eve introduces herself and threatens to kill Ray unless she has the gun by 6 pm. Meanwhile Eve gets a call from Scarletti. Max Simpson walks in with a gun and Shigeo beats him up before he can speak. The kids celebrate before tying him up. Shigeo runs off to see Mr. Yamata while the others run to the clubhouse*

Warlock: The plot thickens.

 

*General gets a call from “the president” and the feds run in…nobody there. Meanwhile at the clubhouse Sly is hacking into the SHADOW network to get access to Ray’s file. He joined in 1984 and has been a stellar agent ever since*

Warlock: 84 was a good year for Hogan.

America: Indeed.

 

*Sly says he’ll look up Max Simpson next. Meanwhile Jeremy shares a sob story with Rosalie. She compares him to Superman disguised as Clark Kent*

Warlock: So Hogan is Superman now?

America: What a comparison.

 

*Sly finds Simpson’s file but they spot Scarletti before they can read the file. They run out to greet him. The computer pulls up Simpson’s file when they’re not there and its the guy Shigeo beat up*

Warlock: I KNEW IT!

America: So wait, if Simpson is the other dude, he’s supposedly the best agent. He just got beat up by a kid, tied up and had a bow put on his head. That’s the best?

 

*Scarletti brings the kids out to his van and Wrecks pops out. Scarletti turns heel and orders the kid into the van. While driving, he reveals himself to be Vince Scarletti as Wrecks looks confused. Scarletti asks where the gun is and Sly says over his dead body. Scarletti says not to say that because Wrecks would enjoy it. The others makes Sly give up its location. Sly takes them to the ghetto where Wrecks orders the kids outside. Once inside a warehouse, a street gang pulls their guns on them. Wrecks and Scarletti surrender as the leader hands Sly the gun. Scarletti uses his magic to steal the gun and point it at Jeremy*

America: This is the first movie I’ve ever seen where a character with any kind of military training background resorts to cheesy, parlor magician tricks in his repertoire.

Warlock:………those effects are NOT cheesy…..

America: Oh….my bad.

 

*Jeremy punches Scarletti and taunts him. Scarletti shoots the gun but the lasers bounce off the mirror and kill him. Jeremy picks up the gun and leaves with the kids as Wrecks is left alone with the street gang. They gang up on him as the kids say they’re gonna rescue Ray themselves. They pack up a bunch of toys from the toy-store with an overly sappy song for a montage*

Warlock: Who picked this soundtrack?

America: I don’t know but these kids are on a roll. We opened with throwing games and now we’re getting to looting.

 

*The battleship SHADOW is towing a sea-plane*

America: Why are they towing a sea plane?

Warlock: Its Max Simpson’s plane, he’s on the ship.

 

*The computer hacker (Rory Johnson) hacks into Shigeo’s message as once again Doc and Eve try the virtual reality simulation again. Meanwhile Wrecks hobbles in and goes to strangle Ray but Eve stops him*

Warlock: No explanation on how he escaped a street gang.

America: We’re supposed to assume he beat them up.

Warlock: They had guns.

America: Don’t tell the writers that. They must have forgot.

 

*The kids sneak up on the “State Mental Hospital” that’s surrounded bu guards with guns. Jeremy says they’ll go around back*

Warlock: That would be a terrible perimeter if there’s no one there.

 

*Jeremy pulls out a beach pale and toy shovel and says they’ll dig their way in*

America: Next scene I better see a sand castle.

Warlock: The guards spot kids digging with toys, they’ll laugh before they shoot them on sight.

 

*General tells Simpson to go get Chase. Simpson says they owe their lives to Chase. Meanwhile Doc goes to drill a hole on Ray’s head. Back at the “Hospital”, The kids have successfully dig a hole for them to get in…..with no guards around*

Warlock: Good god. These guys are worse than the SWAT team in End Game.

 

*The boys run into the Hospital while Rosalie stays behind. Buckwheat (John Ammirati) checks in. Meanwhile Simpson cracks the code and figures out Shigeo’s message. He tells the feds to storm the hospital*

Warlock: Once again, since its a movie, they’re going to be fashionably late.

 

*The feds fire up the sea plane as America goes berserk*

America: There IS NO FLIGHT DECK, WHY ARE YOU SHOWING A FLIGHT DECK?

 

*Spanky (“Wild” Bill Mock) checks in*

Warlock: They’re using names from the Little Rascals, wonderful.

 

*Jeremy uses a recording of Spanky’s voice in a Teddy Ruxpin to gain access into the building*

Warlock: I don’t remember a Teddy Ruxpin being that voice accurate.

America: I don’t remember it being able to record either.

Warlock: This movie is garbage.

America: Not only that, the feds are taking the worst ways possible to get there. The boats have to find a port somewhere and the plane needs a runway to land on. They’ll never get there.

 

*Eve says to kill Chase as Rosalie sets up a Slip and Slide outside*

Warlock: Can this get any cornier?

America: This doesn’t seem like a very well-guarded place.

 

*A guard (Mark Ginther) finds the kids and Shigeo knocks him out with a yo-yo*

Warlock: Stolen from Ninja Turtles.

 

*The kids find where Ray is being held. Sly tells Jeremy not to just run in*

America: Yeah, they should knock first.

 

*Doc draws the mark where to dig the hole.  Meanwhile the kids stomp on a bunch of caps and run in holding toy guns. Wrecks and Doc surrender*

Warlock: These guys are morons.

 

*Jeremy rescues Ray who hugs him. Ray disarms Wrecks and makes Doc lie down. Ray squirts Wrecks. Everyone laughs but Eve gets the drop on them all. Eve gives away her evil plan as Jeremy signals Rosalie. She’s on her way. Wrecks “Sorry it won’t happen again*

Warlock: You win the pool.

 

*Rosalie runs in with a nerf gun and fires it. Eve ducks and Doc goes down. Ray wrestles with Eve for the gun*

America: Ducking a nerf gun? My head hurts.

 

*Ray and Wrecks go at it. Wrecks piefaces Shigeo down. Ray fallaway slams Wrecks on a table but it doesn’t break. Jeremy tosses a slinky that catches on the high voltage electrical outlet and slinks onto Wrecks’ metal leg…frying him*

Warlock: What the hell…..you gotta be kidding me.

America: Since when does Hogan do the Mark Henry slam?

Warlock: Love how the slinky gets stuck, falls off, lands on Wrecks…and its suddenly stuck again to cause the electrocution.

America: The continuity error is mind boggling

 

*Ray leads the kids out. Meanwhile the chopper is on its way carrying Simpson. Two random goons follow Eve who its the alarm. Every guard on station runs toward them as Ray’s team runs out. Bart throws marbles down the stairs and the guards trip and fall down the stairs*

Warlock: Cheesy, but good thinking.

 

*Eve finds Doc drooling and Wrecks dead. She throws the drill through the tv*

America: Oh yes, I’m convinced you’re evil. You destroyed a tv.

 

*Shigeo beats up a guard and Ray takes out the other one. The guards have taken over the escape route*

Warlock: Their escape failed.

 

*A surging guard trips on foam and falls off the roof*

Warlock: Good grief.

 

*Two maniac guards shoot off the door to the roof*

Warlock: Love how not one stray bullet hits a kid.

 

*Ray goes nuts with the lazer gun to blow shit up but nobody is harmed*

America: We got the trifecta now, we got 3 jeeps.

 

*Ray and the kids run into Eve who takes Jeremy hostage. She demands the gun. Ray rigs the gun to blow which disables the firing mechanism. He tosses it to her and she lets Jeremy go. Ray and the kids run out and the guards fire at them, missing completely. The feds finally show up and chase the guards away. Eve walks around with the gun as the gun continues to beep down*

Warlock: She doesn’t hear the gun beeping?

 

*The kids use the slip and slide to escape*

Warlock: A slip and slide under an electric fence…..not even a child could believe that would work.

America: And Hogan is considerably bigger, he fit just fine right?

 

*Ray runs into Simpson who acknowledges the martial arts skills of Shigeo. General asks where the gun is, Ray says Eve has it…for 30 seconds. Max says they need to get out of there as the trap catches Eve. Finally Wrecks comes to*

Warlock: Wow he’s not dead.

America: Oh give it time.

 

*Eve orders Wrecks to hit the cancel button. Wrecks smiles and makes HER say “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” She tells him the place is going to blow. He runs off without her and the place goes KABOOM. The metal leg lands in front of the kids*

Warlock: You would have thought he would have escaped.

 

*The kids and Ray look over the destruction. Rosalie and Jeremy hold hands as Bart complains. General and Simpson tells the feds to move out. Meanwhile General holds a ceremony honoring the kids and Ray. They all receive intelligence crosses. Simpson writes “Secret Agent Club” on the sign. Jeremy likes it. A really cheese 90’s kiddie rap rolls over the credits*

America: Oh god, more unfitting shitty music.

Warlock: At least its over.

 

Mr. America’s assessment:  I give it a 3 out of 10. Would have been a 2 if it wasn’t for Hogan.

The Warlock’s assessment: I feel dumber after watching this. I give it a 1 for the Knobbs cameo, another point for Wrecks, and another point for the fallaway slam. 3 out of 10

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Garbage

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was awful. Hogan movies usually suck and this one delivered on that promise. They managed to make everyone in this movie look like an idiot and that’s hard to do. Say what you will about Hogan as a wrestler, but as an actor…the movies he does range from laughably bad to just plain bad.

America: I protest brother!

Warlock: Anyway that wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

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