<TWO WEEKS EARLIER>
*The Warlock is sitting at his kitchen table holding his head in his hands. He’s wearing a #12 Tom Brady New England Patriots jersey, jeans and white sneakers. He’s in a Skype chat with The Mysterious Benefactor*
TMB: A bet is a bet Warlock, you lost.
Warlock: Yeah…don’t remind me.
TMB: Ready for your movie?
Warlock: In the mood I’m in, I’ll enjoy a crappy movie at this point.
TMB: Oh no no no, that’s not what you’ll be watching.
*Warlock looks up*
Warlock: What did you have in mind?
TMB: You said ANYTHING…and I’ll give you something not even Mr. Wallstreet or Mr. America would agree to touch.
Warlock: What is it?
TMB: Sending you the file now.
TMB: I wouldn’t dare own this on DVD.
*Warlock waits a few moments before his email notification pops up*
Warlock: Alright let’s see….
*Warlock goes bug eyed*
Warlock: You gotta be fucking kidding me.
TMB: You said you’d do ANYTHING, well here you go. Something so deranged, insane and gross that it would make Human Centipede look like an episode of Bananas In Pajamas.
Warlock: Seriously? Where the hell did you even find this?
TMB: That’s not important. You have a debt and now I’m here to collect. Enjoy.
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket, gargoyle shades, white sneakers and blue jeans. He’s holding a mug of Pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots his hand to the sky and a lightning bolt cracks as he thrusts his hand down. He enters the lair*
Warlock: As many of you know, I made a bet with The Mysterious Benefactor about the Patriots winning the Superbowl. Well, they didn’t….and now I have to pay the price. Today we’re not going to be doing a movie. No….this is far worse. Today will be a 50 minute Japanese hentai called “Boku wa Imōto ni Koi o Suru” Loosely translated….I Love My Younger Sister.
Warlock:……Yeah. I dreaded some of the crappy movies I’ve watched but this buries them all. Mr. America, Neyzor Blades and Lady T wanted no part of this so I’m going it alone. I just hope its not as gross as I expect it to be.
*Warlock takes a seat at his computer*
Warlock: So let’s get this torture started….I Love My Younger Sister. I’m not even going to bother reading a tag-line, I’m sure you can guess what this is about.
*Movie starts with a violin theme set outside a mansion looping over credits. We’re shown the brother (Yori) and the sister (Iku). Various drawings show them looking uninterested at school*
Warlock: If nothing else it takes off the run time.
*We’re shown a flashback of Yori and Iku playing in a garden. Yori puts a flower petal headband on her head. She loves it and runs to tell their parents. She said she looks like a princess. Yori runs up and emphatically states that she’s a bride, not a princess*
Warlock: 2 minutes in and I already see where this is going.
*Yori and Iku see a wedding going on and get excited. Yori hands Iku a clover and says “Be my bride?” They share a laugh*
Warlock: That could have gone worse. I’ll take it.
*Modern day shows a bullet train passing by*
Warlock: Hope that’s not the train from The Hunted.
*Iku walks to school with her friend. She tells her how she spotted Yori sleeping without a sheet covering him. Yori is unamused*
Warlock: Kinda creepy.
*Yori’s friend Yanno pops up next to Yori at the locker and says him and Iku are friendly as usual*
Warlock: The friend has them pegged already.
*Yano can’t believe they are twins*
Warlock: Wait, how can you be a twin if she’s younger? Was she born a minute after?
*Yori wants to take and entrance exam to get into a prestigious school. He doesn’t want anyone to know, not even his family*
Warlock: He wants to get the fuck out of there.
*After school Iku excitedly runs up to him. She grabs his arm and he vehemently pulls it away and tells her to leave him alone. Later she asks what’s his problem and he blows her off. Later on Yori catches Iku sleeping on his top bunk. He tells her to get down. She wakes up and he notices her tits, he goes bug-eyed*
Warlock: Oh here we go…..at least they’re not exposed.
*He grabs her arm and stops. He says she can sleep there, he’ll sleep in the living room. He goes off as she protests*
Warlock: That was close.
*Its 2:19 AM, Yori can’t sleep*
Warlock: Go watch cartoons or something.
*Next day at school Iku’s friend Tomoka shares bonding moments with Yori. She admits she has a crush on him but he blows her off. Apparently this isn’t the first time she’s tried*
Warlock: Dude’s got problems.
*Outside the cafeteria, Iku runs up to Yori and she thanks him for the notes. Meanwhile two guys notice Iku isn’t wearing an undershirt so they can see her bra. They heckle and she crumples to the floor embarrassed. Yori tosses his uniform shirt on Iku and tells the two to cut it out. One of the dudes says it was just a joke. Yori grabs him by the shirt and says “Shut up. If you say one fucking word.” The dude says Yori is taking it too seriously and Yori drops him with a right cross*
Warlock: Good on Yori. You don’t let people talk about family like that.
*The other dude confronts Yori when Yano appears out of a corner. Yori fights the two off before Yano grabs Yori and pulls him away. Everyone leaves as Iku runs after him, but he wants no part of her. Tomoka chases after him to tend to his wounds. Meanwhile Iku cries in front of her locker. Meanwhile Tomoka rationalizes that he’s blowing her off because he likes another girl*
Warlock: You got that right.
*Tomoka kisses Yori on the lips, he returns the kiss*
Warlock: Well this just got better. 10 minutes in and I’m not reaching for the cyanide yet.
*Yori fucks Tomoka but we don’t see any nudity*
Warlock: I’m going to take that as a good sign. If we won’t see consensual sex between a normal boy and girl, then anything happens later won’t be seen either.
*Yori volunteers to walk Kuso home. She wants him to kiss her again and he does. Meanwhile Iku is excited for hamburgers*
*Tomoka runs off excited as it starts to rain. Tomoka stops and realizes he’s still standing there. Meanwhile Iku wonders where Yori is. We fade to black before we cut to a break*
Warlock: Now would be a perfect time for a condom commercial.
*Next day at school Yori and Yano hang out on the roof of their school. Tomoka says hi to them and leaves. Yano calls her Kusonoki and Yori says he’ll try to love her. Yano argues that you can’t force yourself to love someone*
Warlock: Smart words.
*Yano knows Yori likes another girl but can’t figure out who. Meanwhile Yori takes the entrance exam for the prestigious school….he passes*
Warlock: Hooray hooray.
*Iku walks into Yori and says she heard Tomoka has a boyfriend, which irks Yori. She then tells him she wants a boyfriend to be lovey dovey with and he perks up*
Warlock: I’d say “don’t even think about it”…but then we’d have no movie.
*Iku tells Yori all the things she wants to do with a boyfriend. Yori gets enraged and asks who she’s dating and even questions if its Yano. Then he comes to his senses and says its not his business. She asks why he’s so mad and he tells her he doesn’t want to hear about it. It starts to rain and she starts to cry. She says she hates him and falls to the floor*
Warlock: I really don’t want to know what their ages are at this point. It sounds like they’re not even in high school yet.
*Iku lays crying on her bed. Yori climbs on top of her and kisses her*
Warlock: Well, so much for normalcy. We lasted 16 minutes folks.
*Iku shoves Yori away and asks what the hell he’s doing*
Warlock: Oh, wait a minute…maybe not.
*Yori asks if she likes him, she says yes. He goes for another kiss but she stops him. She’s very confused. He says “Why does it have to be you?” He then professes his love for her. “In my eyes you’re the only girl in the world for me” She pushes him away but he is insistent*
Warlock: No means no buddy.
*He forces her to choose, him right now or someone else down the line*
Warlock: Wonderful….as if forcing himself on his sister isn’t bad enough, now this.
*Iku tells him to let her go. He lets her go and looks dejected*
Warlock: There’s hope yet…
*Iku grabs Yori and slowly goes to kiss him*
Warlock: ……And that hope goes right out the window
*Just before they kiss, the parents come home. They stop*
Warlock: Saved by the parents!
*Next day Yori and Iku are both dejected while Tomoka is happy as a clam. Iku falls behind as Tomoka continues to yap away. Iku then runs off as the two just stand there*
Warlock: Jealousy is a horrible thing.
*Iku combs her hair and she’s mad that Yori is going out with Tomoka. He tries to grab her but she resists. Suddenly the doorbell rings*
Warlock: Who could that beeeeeeeee?
*The mother allows Tomoka in. Tomoka spills the beans that Yori got into the big school. She’s sad that she’ll never see Yori again, he hushes her out the door but Iku has already heard. She runs outside and chases after Yori and Tomoka. She pleads for him not to go. He tells Tomoka to buzz off as he literally carries Iku back to their house. She wants to go with him but he says she wouldn’t be able to. He professes his love for her and says if they stay in the same room any longer, he won’t be able to stop himself*
Warlock: Here’s an idea….SLEEP SOMEWHERE ELSE!
*She requests he take her to their room as we get another quick break. When we return, Yori begins stripping Iku down*
Warlock: Oh no no NO NO NO….
*She says its embarrassing. Yori stards going all Romeo on her until he nearly motorboats her after saying she has soft breasts. We get a closeup of a potted plant*
Warlock: Even the potted plant is disgusted.
*Yori “I’m not content with just your body. I want your heart to belong to me as well. There is no man in the world that loves you more than me.”
Warlock: Really dude?
*Yori leaves here there and goes away*
Warlock: Wow, nothing happened….another close call. This movie is like waiting for someone to fall off a cliff. You know its coming, just don’t know when. Halfway through and its a miracle nothing seriously weird has happened yet.
*Yori tosses and turns on the bottom bunk fully clothed as Iku sleeps on the top. Next day Yori, Iku and Tomoka walk to school. Tomoka asks him out and he says yes, Iku cries. The train alarm goes off. Ahead of the tracks is Tomoka, behind is Iku*
Warlock: Nice imagery I admit. Make your choice.
*The train buzzes by and Iku jumps into Yori’s arms and kisses him*
Warlock: We lasted 27 minutes….gross.
*Tomoka didn’t see anything as Yori and Iku run for a train hand in hand. Iku is happy as a clam*
Warlock: Playing hooky…great way to get into a private school.
*Yori and Iku sit in the garden where they were kids and they recreate them “getting married” from the opening scene. He spells out “clover” in English as a love message and kisses her hand*
Warlock: That actually would be pretty romantic if that was Tomoka and not Iku.
*Iku and Yori kiss inside the church where their parents got married and she says she loves him. He says he’s been dreaming about hearing those words from her*
Warlock: 30 minutes in and I’m getting ready to reach for the cyanide.
*Iku spots the statues of angels and hears voices calling her dirty, filthy, hideous. She tells him to stop because God is watching. The ring he placed on her finger breaks. She begs God to accept her love. He says its ok, she says its not ok at all*
Warlock: For once she’s right.
*At school, Iku wonders where Tomoka is. Meanwhile Yori breaks up with Tomoka. She is devastated. She asks why they got a hotel room together if he didn’t love her, Iku overhears this and runs off. He runs off after her*
Warlock: Hasn’t Tomoka figured it out yet? Jesus….
*We fade to black for another commercial break. When we return, Yori pins Iku down in the chem lab but she tells him to get off, screaming she hates him. He forces himself to kiss her and she rejects him. She says he kissed Tomoka and that she hates him. He tries to wrap himself around her but she resists*
Warlock: Sad as it sounds, he was trying to break up with Tomoka to be with her.
*He says he won’t let go, she doesn’t believe him until he starts crying. He professes he tried to fall in love with Tomoka to forget her but he couldn’t do it, he loves Iku. She says she just can’t and we cut*
Warlock: 16 minutes left and apart from a few kisses, this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Hope I didn’t just jinx it.
*Iku tells Yori she wants to go somewhere. She takes him to the hotel he fucked Tomoka in. He protests but she’s adamant. She throws himself on top of him and demands he take her now*
Warlock: *Shakes head* Me and my big fucking mouth.
*She tells him to hurry up and become hers as she kisses him. He resists initially and then kisses her back. He goes to unhook her bra but she tells him to stop. He says he’ll close his eyes. He unhooks it but his eyes remain open. She throws a pillow at his face, calls him a pervert and covers herself in the bedsheets. She repeatedly calls him an idiot*
Warlock: Ok, as gross as this is, that was funny.
*He asks if they can start now. They kiss again as their hands interlock. They fuck but thankfully no nudity*
Warlock: We lasted 36 minutes out of 50 before it got totally gross. Compared to some other hentai I’ve seen, I can only classify this as a miracle in itself. Hopefully the last 14 minutes will go quick, but it sure won’t be painless.
*We fade to white and Yori begs God for forgiveness. “I will take full responsibility for the guilt of the nightmarish calamity that this love was”
Warlock: Very interesting choice of words
*Yori begs for Iku to have happy dreams. Next is graduation day where Yori reads the farewell speech as Tomoka cries that he’ll be gone. Yori and Yuna chill on the roof again. Yori reveals he loved Iku and Yano is “adequately surprised”
Warlock: So he knows, and is ok with it. That’s just as bad really.
*Yori tells Yano he loved her no matter what. Yano asks why he’s going, he says he has to to protect her. Iku runs to the roof and confronts him. Yano laughs that Yori didn’t tell her he was leaving. They talk back and forth as Yano walks away glumly*
Warlock: That’s me right now.
*Back at home, their mom pounds on Iku’s door. She won’t come out until Yori promises he won’t leave. He tries to explain but she doesn’t want to hear it. She claims she hates him*
Warlock: She hates him, she loves him, she hates him….typical teen drama.
*Yori gives up and walks away, she opens the door and he has a puppy in his hands. He claims he bought it for her so she wouldn’t be so lonely*
Warlock: That’s actually pretty sweet.
*The dog yips as Iku names the dog Yori*
Warlock: That’ll get confusing when he comes home for the holidays.
*Yori goes to kiss Iku but she resists because the dog is watching. He laughs and kisses her anyway*
Warlock: The dog is like “huh? What’s that?”
*Yori is leaving and his mother chastises Iku for trying to steal Yori’s bag so he won’t leave. His shoes are gone as well and she denies involvement. The father finds the shoes and says he doesn’t him to go either*
Warlock: Oh no, don’t tell me.
*The bags are packed in the car and Iku is sad. They go as a family to the airport. They wish him well except Iku who acts like she doesn’t care but really does. Meanwhile Tomoka shows up and Yano as well. Tomoka doesn’t want him to go as the father says he didn’t know Yori had a girlfriend. She wants a goodbye kiss but Yori looks at Iku and refuses. He hugs the father, the mother, embraces Iku and kisses her cheek*
Warlock: That could have gone worse.
*Back at home, Iku chills with the dog as it whimpers. She picks up a familiar scent as the dog tries to lick her face. She cries as even the dog is sad. She finds a note that says “please don’t cry”. Meanwhile on the train Yori starts crying. We fade to black and the credits roll with a metal song over the credits*
Warlock: We have a violin playing time and now we go to a metal song? At least its over.
The Warlock’s Assessment: How the FUCK do I rate this one? Oh boy…where do I begin? I give major credit to the writers for focusing on the romantic aspects rather than the hardcore hentai I thought I was going to see. In fact, there was no nudity at all. Apart from a series of kisses, we saw a censored sex scene between brother and sister. As bad as that is, it could have gone a lot worse. The writers tried to make a legitimate, realistic story out of incest and it worked…but I just typed out incest. The ending was sad but then again, that’s reality. Still, my morals prohibit this from giving this a good grade because its about INCEST! I will thank the lucky stars that there was nothing overly gross but still….incest. I will now wash my hands of this but I will say one thing, I just watched this so you don’t have to….good day.
*Warlock puts the movie file in the trash can and hits delete. He sighs and skype calls The Mysterious Benefactor, he answers*
TMB: Is it done?
Warlock: Its done.
TMB: Was it as disgusting as it sounded?
Warlock: Not really, it was more of a romance than it was a hentai.
TMB: What? How can that be?
Warlock: Wait, you mean you didn’t see this?
TMB: Hell no, why the hell would I watch that?
Warlock: Ha, guess I lucked out then. At least it wasn’t Boku No Pico
TMB: What’s that?
Warlock: Nevermind….consider my debt paid.
TMB: Wait, let me look up Boku…
*Warlock ends the skype chat and shakes his head*
Warlock: Not gonna make that mistake again.
*Warlock turns to the camera*
Warlock: That wraps up this abomination. I need a vacation. Have a pleasant winter.