*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket, gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a 16th century silver stein of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*The Warlock shoots fire into the air and walks into the lair*
Warlock: With us tonight is the lovely Lady T
*Lady T is in the recliner wearing a red dress, she waves*
Warlock: Also joining us is Neyzor Blades
*Neyz is on the left side of the couch putting the DVD in*
Neyz: Whataya want?
Warlock: Tonight movie is Norbit, the 2007 comedy featuring Eddie Murphy.
*Warlock sits on the right side of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s not waste anymore time, its time for Norbit.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A mild-mannered guy, who is engaged to a monstrous woman, meets the woman of his dreams, and schemes to find a way to be with her. ”
*Norbit (Eddie Murphy) shows his life story. Mr Wong (Eddie Murphy) finds Norbit on his doorstep. Wong “You the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen”
*Mr Wong scares kids by hucking a spear through a wooden whale. Child Norbit’s best friend (Khamani Griffin) was Kate (China Anderson) best friend. They pooped together*
Warlock: That’s gross!!!
T: I love it!
*Norbit and Kate are “married” until Kate got adopted two weeks later. Norbit hides his marriage ring pop under his pillow*
*Two bullies beat up 10 year old Norbit. (Austin Reid) 10 year old Rasputa.(Lindsey Sims-Lewis) beats them up. Rasputa has 3 brothers Big Jack (Terry Crews), Blue (Lester Speight) and Earl (Clifton Powell)*
Warlock: Crews is awesome.
*Modern day Norbit marries modern day Rasputa (Eddie Murphy), they kiss as Pope Sweet Jesus (Eddie Griffin) and Lord Have Mercy (Katt Williams)look on*
Neyz: Who’s he?
Warlock: Eddie Griffin
T: I love Norbit, stop it.
*Big Jack threatens Norbit if he ever hurts Rasputa*
Warlock: Heed the warning.
*Mr. Wong says Norbit marry gorilla and Big Jack gets up. Wong tells stories making fun of Norbit*
Warlock: He still arive!
*Rasputa wants Norbit to carry her over the threshold and he can’t lift her up. Later she planchas through the bed several times, smashing it to pieces*
T and Neyz: HAhahahaha
*Rasputa insults Norbit as Earl, Blue and Jack go back to Golden Wonton Orphanage. They threaten Wong and he jumps up with a spear, chasing them away*
*Rasputa attends a dance class run by Buster (Marlon Wayans). Buster says he does private lessons but only if her brothers fund his special tape*
T: I love it
*Lord and Pope are hanging outside the Rib Shack*
T: Da RIB SHACKKKKK
*Norbit walks in on Rasputa and Buster in bed together*
*Buster insults Norbit and leaves naked. Norbit “You cheated on me!”
Warlock: Get her!
*Norbit calls Rasputa a whore and she cleans out the mailman, a lemonade stand and half the neightborhood*
T and Neyz: Hahahaha
*Norbit does a puppet show and gets carried away until Kate (Thandie Newton) shows up. Wong “Hey you guys pooped together”
*Kate says she’s moving back from Atlanta. She wants to buy the orphange since Mr. Wong wants to retire. She and Norbit plan a date for Tuesday*
Warlock: This should be good.
*Norbit lets Buster bang Rasputa and he walks to his date smiling. Norbit walks in to the restaurant and Kate introduces her fiancee Deion Hughes (Cuba Gooding Jr). Norbit is crushed*
*Norbit complains to the neighbor’s dog. Next morning Norbit says the car is shrinking when Rasputa gets in*
*Rasputa sings Doncha by Pussycat Dolls before she intentionally runs over Floyd the dog. Norbit has enough and he leaves her*
*Rasputa says she’s wiith child, they celebrate*
*Pope recruits the event organizer (Kristen Schaal) as one of her ho’s. Meanwhile Deion gets a call from his mistress but Norbit doesn’t have the heart to tell Kate*
Warlock: Its the Dilemma part 2.
*Kate introduces herself to Rasputa and she blows her off. She wants to talk about Latimore Construction. Rasputa says she’s not with child, she just has gas. She farts*
T: Woohooo *farts*
*Kate introduces herself to Jack, Earl and Blue as Temperature by Sean Paul comes on*
Warlock: This is like the perfect soundtrack for 2007
*Rasputa destroys the moon bounce trying to beat up the kids (Cameron Ur, Amanda Sawyer, Kendra McCulty)*
Warlock: Neyz you can do that.
Neyz: You zip it!
*Norbit dances while drinking Rasputa’s wine cooler. She is pissed. Norbit dances until Rasputa wipes him out with a boom speaker*
Warlock: 7..8…9…10 yer out!
*Kate visits Norbit in the hospital. Norbit’s heart rate rises when Kate’s chest is pushed in his face. Meanwhile the Latimore brothers confront Deion. Deion was using Kate all along, the brothers don’t care. They just want to turn the orphanage into a strip joint. Deion is in*
Warlock: Its weird seeing Cuba Gooding Jr heel.
*Kate wants Norbit to be part of the orphanage. He initially refuses until she threatens him with heart paddles. Meanwhile Deion uses store bought food and passes it off as cooking*
*Deion wants to get married as soon as possible, Kate says yes. Norbit then mails a letter to the background check company he saw at the hospital. Rasputa catches him going to Raging Waters. Rasputa says she’s going with him. Norbit is glum*
*Kate introduces the kids to Rasputa and she gets accosted before she blows away the turnstile*
T: That looks like a real fat woman.
Warlock: It is, that’s definitely a double.
*Rasputa insults Kate by calling her too skinny. Rasputa hypes up Norbit as a sex God to make herself look better, only it makes Kate want Norbit even more*
T and Neyz: Hahaha
*Kate says she’s getting married that Saturday and Norbit’s face drops*
Warlock: He’s heartbroken.
*Kate slides down the slide and Rasputa catches Norbit watching her. Rasputa goes to slide down the slide with Valkyrie as a soundtrack. Only she blows through the wall and into the wading pool a mile away, blowing all the water out of the pool*
Warlock: Like that John Pinnette joke
*Floyd the Dog is ok and so is the mailman*
Warlock: The walking wounded.
*Rasputa is watching Maury*
Neyz: That’s me right now.
*Kate helps Norbit ride a bike without a helmet. It turns into a montage because he’s hiding Kate from Rasputa. Rasputa washes a car with the song Milkshake by Kellis plays*
Neyz: There ya go Warlock
*Norbit crashes into a curb and goes head over heels*
Neyz and Warlock: Hahahaha
*Kate says she’s going to Giovanni’s (Anthony Russell) to pick out food. Kate tells Norbit that Deion’s cooking tastes like cheap takeout. Norbit borrows the pimps’ car*
*Rasputa says she doesn’t beautify herself for Norbit, but herself. She claims her fiancee isn’t faithful. She gets a bikini wax from Helga (Marianne Muellerleile) and kicks her in the face*
*The brothers and Deion say they won’t get a liquor license when the orphanage rolls over into the strip joint unless Kate signs for it. They hand him the papers for him to sign. Meanwhile the pimps give Norbit a makeover*
T: Katt Williams is perfect for the character and those outfits. Eddie Griffin too.
*Norbit is dressed in a purple pimp suit and he hands Kate flowers. “I found these on the side of the road*
Neyz and T: Hahahaha
*Kate and Norbit make a toast as Neyz and T start singing*
Warlock: Will you stop??
*Kate puts on the pimp hat and she signs over the Orphanage unknowingly. Norbit asks if she loves Deion, she says of course. Meanwhile Blue drops pizza off at Rasputa’s place. Going Down by Young Joc plays as Blue squeals that Norbit is on a date with Kate*
Warlock: Once again, quintessential soundtrack of 2007
*Kate and Norbit visit the church and the Preacher (Richard Gant)
Warlock: Richard Gant again.
*Rasputa confronts Giovanni looking for Norbit and screams at him*
*Norbit asks Kate if she has vows, she says no. Norbit then does “mock” vows with his real feelings*
*Norbit says he loves her and they kiss for real. Preacher “Okay……”
*Rasputa spots them kissing and crashes her car into another car. Her huge boobs act as airbags. Meanwhile Kate gets freaked out and leaves. Preacher “Awkward.” Meanwhile Rasputa opens the door and it falls off*
Neyz: I can’t handle it.
*Norbit begs Kate for forgiveness. Kate says she wanted him to kiss her which is why she ran off. She runs inside her house and Norbit walks away delighted. Until he runs into the brothers who demand the papers. He hands them over and Jack says “I hate to be you right now.” The brothers laugh and leave.
Warlock: This is NOT going to end well.
*Rasputa is waiting for Norbit. He tries to explain himself and she literally throws him out the window. Floyd the dog licks him awake. He asks what he should do and Floyd (Charlie Murphy) says “Kill the bitch! She took my legs Norbit! I can’t walk!” Meanwhile Rasputa walks out and says she’s going to pour acid on Kate’s face if she ever sees her again*
Warlock: Poor potato
*Kate tells Deion that they have to talk. Deion then flips it around saying he has no idea what happened but blames Norbit for turning it into a strip joint. Meanwhile Norbit is forced to clean the basement and he makes fun of her when she’s gone*
*Kate confronts Norbit about signing over the Orphanage. He turns heel to send Kate away to make Rasputa happy. She walks outside and tells her to get lost. Kate to Norbit “Don’t you ever talk to me again!”
Warlock: The story’s gripping me….
Neyz: No that’s just gas.
*The outside street is wet*
Neyz: Look she flooded the street.
*Norbit runs out with a suitcase and Mr. Wong is there. Wong gives him a pep talk before leaving. Norbit reads the background check letter and has a revelation. Norbit calls Kate but she won’t talk to him. Norbit goes to leave but the brothers walk in. They reveal their plot to turn the orphanage into a strip joint. Rasputa throws Norbit in the basement and he makes a phone call. Next day the brothers and Rasputa head to the wedding, but Rasputa leaves Blue behind to watch him. Mr. Wong tells Kate she’s beautiful*
Warlock: Finally, the ending.
*Mr. Wong leads Kate down the isle. Meanwhile Norbit escapes the basement as Blue can’t catch him. He leaves on his bike. Jack gets a phone call and the guy in front of him tells him shhhhh. Jack punches him out*
*The call is from Blue saying Norbit is on his way. Mr Wong asks the pimps to ruin the wedding and they say they got this. Pope Sweet Jesus cuts a promo saying he objects because of love. Meanwhile Norbit pedals his way to the church. Meanwhile Earl, Rasputa and Jack go to stop him*
Warlock: The final boss?
*Lord Have Mercy then reads off a food menu as Deion looks totally confused. Deion tries to stop them but Pope Jesus ignores him. He has the choir sing as Lord marches in place*
Warlock: Look at Katt Williams baaaaaaahahahahahaa
*Pope Sweet Jesus takes a collection as people dance in the isle way. Preacher and Kate dance along as well*
T: Go Norbit, its your birthday! Its your birthday!
*Norbit runs to the church as the pimps end the musical number*
T: My favorite part int he entire movie!
*Deion goes berserk and says to continue. Preacher goes to continue when Norbit runs in. He explains that he loves Kate as Rasputa and the brothers run in right behind. Norbit tells Rasputa he’s leaving him. Norbit reveals Deion is a con-artist. He goes for the proof but the letter was ruined when he fell into the water. Deion laughs ans Kate says she doesn’t trust him. Norbit says he knew she’d do that so he called the ex wives to walk in. Deion runs away as the brothers chase Norbit out of the church. They tackle him as the towns-people revolt*
Warlock: Here we go!
*Giovanni “Rasputa, I’m kicking the shit outta you!” Rasputa beats everybody up including Mrs Henderson. Rasputa heaves her into the plants. Mr. Wong calls Rasputa a whale and throws a spear, hitting her in the ass. Mr. Wong “YEAH! RIGHT IN THE BROW-HOLE!” Rasputa runs away in fast motion as the citizens chase the brothers away.*
*Norbit and Kate get married for real but still use ring pops. Mr Wong kisses Mrs Ling Ling Wong (Alexis Rhee)*
*Rasputa and the brothers operate a titty bar in Mexico but with Rasputa as the dancer. The credits roll as T and Neyz dance together, Warlock facepalms*
Neyzor Blades Assessment: It was funny, 8 out of 10
Lady T’s Assessment: Uh, childish, stupid but it had its moment. 3 out of 10
The Warlock’s Assessment: It was silly and stupid but at least it was original. I give it a 6 out of 10.
Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was….interesting. Eddie Murphy in a fat suit delivers the goods and this one was no exception….unfortunately it wasn’t as epic as Nutty Professor. The supporting cast was great and its worth watching. That wraps up…
*Neyz and T continue to dance around*
Warlock: Ahhh the hell with it
*Warlock joins in breakdancing*
T: Have a pleasant evening.