76. Snow White and The Three Stooges (1961)

Snow_white_one_sheet

*The song Three Blind Mice plays as The Warlock walks out of his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a glass of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates two feet off the ground before walking into the lair*

Warlock: Tonight is a sad day here at the Realm. Our noted businessman Mr. Wallstreet will be leaving for good. The job offers in Florida were just too rich to ignore. Since this will be his last hurrah, we’re going to go with one of our favorite franchises.

*Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner wearing a plaid suit with a derby hat, red clogs and a polka dotted tie*

Wallstreet: And what franchise is that?

*Warlock pulls the DVD out*

Warlock: Snow White and The Three Stooges

*Mr. America perks up. He’s on the left side of the couch wearing a green Joseph A Bank suit, purple tie, yellow clogs and black aviator shades*

America: Stooges? Where? Where?

*Warlock hands him the dvd. America runs over and puts it in the player*

Warlock: So let’s get this final party started, Snow White and The Three Stooges.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “An ice-skating Snow White finds refuge from the Wicked Queen with the Three Stooges”

America: Ice skating? When was the last time she was ice skating? I don’t remember that twist.

Warlock: Gordie Howe going to make an appearance?

 

*The narrator tries to open the movie but Curly Joe (Joe Derita) and Larry (Larry Fine) ruin it. Moe (Moe Howard) slaps them both to get out of the way*

America and Wallstreet: Hahahaha

 

*The Wicked Queen (Patricia Medina) asks who the fairest of them all. We get a montage of Snow White (Robbi Lalonde, Leslie Farrell, Carol Heiss) before we get a shot of Prince Charming (Edson Stroll). The Stooges then ruin it again as the narrator tries to stop them*

Warlock and America: Hahahahaha

 

*Snow White skates for King Augustus (Edgar Barrier) on an ice rink overlooking the land*

Warlock: Gotta love the phony scenery in the background.

America: Pretty sure that’s not even fake background as it is a big landscape painting

 

*Queen asks the mirror who is the fairest of them all*

America: Not you.

 

*Snow White has a bunch of presents for her bithday. She opens Linda’s (Lisa Mitchell) present and Linda says she’s going to marry Fredrick (Chuck Lacy). Suddenly Snow White starts to sing*

Warlock: Oh no….

Wallstreet: Its a musical….

America: Great going Warlock.

Warlock: Hold on there could be something funny.

 

*Snow White skates around as everyone sings*

Wallstreet: I see no triple axles.

America: Does that mean you’re unimpressed?

Wallstreet: Very.

*Warlock bops Wallstreet*

Warlock: Numbskull, its performance art

Wallstreet: Ooh!

 

*America facepalms*

America: What does this song say?

Warlock: Something in a million years.

Wallstreet: No its a trillion.

Warlock: Now its a zillion!

America: We’re really stretching it now.

 

*Rolf (Michael David) runs out onto the ice and doesn’t fall)

America: He’s not wearing skates?

Warlock: It would have been funny if he fell.

 

*Wallstreet drops the remote, America bops him*

America: You had ONE job.

 

*Rolf says the king is dying. They rush to his side and before he croaks, he tells the Queen to watch over him. Queen says she will*

America: Liar!

 

*Oga (Guy Rolfe) pledges his allegiance to Snow White*

Warlock: Look, its the Puppet Master.

 

*King dies*

America and Warlock: Ehhhhhhhhh

 

*The chimes ring out as a man reads a scroll. Man: “The king is dead, love live the queen.”

America: Right to the point.

 

*Oga says he got rid of Prince Charming so Queen could take the crown. Queen says Snow White will be next to go*

Wallstreet: Dun dun dunnnnnnn

 

*The queen’s first act is to imprison Snow White. Rolf begs for forgiveness and says he’ll watch over her*

Wallstreet: He’ll be next.

 

*Prince Charming is now known as Quatro, his puppet is Quinto (Mel Blanc)*

Warlock: Heh, Mel Blanc is voicing the puppet.

 

*Charming does magic acts for the Stooges*

Warlock: He didn’t do anything.

America: Yes he did, he twirled.

 

*Moe tells Charming about how they used to be traveling minstrels when Snow White and Charming were young*

Warlock: Oh this will end well.

 

*Moe and Larry shill Yuk to the crowd and claims it grows hair back. He points to Curly Joe with a horrible wig. Joe shills it but the crowd is skeptic. Joe says “I used to be balder, look I can prove it.” Joe takes his wig off*

Wallstreet: Bahahahaha

 

*As the Stooges are run out of town, they stumble upon Charming being thrown around by Hordred (Buddy Baer)*

Warlock: Hey that’s Buddy Baer, he fought Joe Louis and knocked him down.

 

*The Stooges fight with Hordred and drop him in the river. They tend to Charming and drag him away as Larry bops Hordred in the head for good measure*

Warlock: Not the same without the sound effects.

*America bops Warlock in the head, a loud BING is hurt*

Warlock: Hey what was that for?

America: Wanted to hear the effect!

*Warlock pokes him in the eye, a violin string pluck is heard*

America: Owwwwwww

Warlock: Like that?

 

*Charming says he’s not going to leave the Stooges and Moe beats the others up to get busy*

Warlock and America: Hahahaha

 

*Narrator says Snow White was locked up for a whole year*

Warlock: Jesus, why couldn’t the Stooges and Charming have busted her out sooner?

 

*White starts singing out the spiked windows*

Wallstreet: She’s singing again, keep her in there!

America: What’s the point of this?

Warlock: She’s singing.

*America slaps him*

America: You missed the pun

 

*With the subtitles on, America, Warlock and Wallstreet try to sing along and they sing badly*

Warlock: In thereeeee

America: You sayyyyyyyyy

 

*Queen and Oga plan a party as Queen says she’ll double the taxes*

Warlock: She’s a Republican.

 

*Queen wants Oga to wish on his magic sword to erase the townspeople’s memory of White. Oga says he can’t do that as the sword is only used for good deeds. Queen hands a container to Oga and says to fetch for Hordred. He’s supposed to cut Snow White’s heart out. Hordred runs up to the cell and says to Snow White that Linda is sick and needs her. He tells her they need to leave. Snow White needs to change first*

Warlock: What a dastardly deed!

 

*Hordred goes to kill Snow White but can’t do it. Hordred says Queen put him up to it and tells her to run for it. She runs through the forest with owls*

Warlock: Those are the worst looking fake owls I’ve ever seen.

America: Yeah, for one they don’t have big glowing eyes.

 

*White gets tangled in branches as a mountain lion roars at her*

Warlock: Its the smittens.

 

*Snow White runs into a random house and starts crying. Next we see Moe’s carriage traveling. Wallstreet whistles along*

Warlock: Cut it out!

 

*The horses are named Thunder and Lightning*

Warlock: Ok so which is best supporting actor, Thunder or Lightning?

Wallstreet: I liked the moving tree.

America: I’m still deciding.

 

*Moe, Charming, Curly Joe and Larry stumble upon the house Snow White went in. Moe reads a note saying the dwarves are out of town. They spot someone sleeping and Moe says its a burglar. They go to jump the person until Charming uncovers Snow White*

Warlock: Some burglar!

 

*Charming: “Forgive us miss, we didn’t want to wake you.”

America: Surprise!!!

 

*White: “The queen tried to have me killed”

America: What a bitch!

 

*Curly Joe: Ad infinitum”

America: What?

 

*Larry dumps flour on Joe’s head as Moe slips on the barrel and the eggs drop on his head*

Warlock and America: Bahahaha

Wallstreet: There goes the food.

 

*Hordred hands the container to Oga as the Stooges and Charming butter up to him as a ploy*

Warlock: How does he not recognize them?

 

*Hordred spots them*

Wallstreet: Uh oh.

 

*Stooges and Charming report back to Snow White. Charming says to put on a show for her now*

America: Be careful what you ask for.

 

*Moe introduces Quatro and Quinto does his comedy act. Quinto says he’s going to sing*

America: Oh boy.

 

*Another song only this time Larry plays the violin, Moe the flute and Joe the accordion*

Warlock: Oh wonderful, another song.

Wallstreet: The third one.

 

*Charming sings too*

America: You never said YOU were going to sing.

 

*Thunder rings out as Joe wrings out his accordion, slapped by Moe*

Warlock and America: Hahahaha

Wallstreet: He does have his fault.

 

*Queen figures out the heart Hordred brought back is fake. Oga has him in the torture chamber. Oga blabs that she’s in the forest and he never killed Charming either. They’re working together with the Stooges*

Warlock: He just spilled the beans.

Wallstreet: Well pick them up.

Warlock: Its a metaphor you ham head!

 

*Queen holds Oga responsible and tells him to wipe out, White, Charming and the Stooges. Meanwhile Charming and White share bonding moments*

Warlock: Isn’t this sweet?

Wallstreet: Heh.

America: Awwwwww

 

*Charming starts singing*

Warlock: Oh god here we go again.

Wallstreet: That’s four.

America: I’m going to sleep.

Warlock: How, with all that crooning?

 

*The soldiers are on their way, Charming tells the Stooges to take the princess and scram. He’ll sacrifice himself*

Warlock: What a hero.

 

*The soldier Captain (Peter Coe) arrests Charming and tells the rest to find White and the Stooges*

Wallstreet: They will be SLAIN!

 

*Charming is in the dungeon and proclaims he’s not Charming. They bring in an old lady who says he had a special birthmark. His shirt is torn open and Oga orders him to the dungeon. Rolf then realizes Charming is the rightful king*

Wallstreet: Gonna give charming a wonderful stone, studio apartment.

America: Yes, for free!

 

*Somebody whistles outside the cell*

America: I wonder who that is?

 

*Stooges and White show up outside the walls badly disguised*

Warlock: I can disguise better than that.

 

*Stooges knock on the kitchen. The head cook (Herbie Faye) shouts at them as another cook (Edward Innes) looks on*

Wallstreet: Heh!

 

*Stooges beat up the chef and the cooks with rolling pins and pies*

Wallstreet: Ahhhhhh

 

*The prison guard bites into the sandwich they prepared for Charming and screams. There’s a file in it. Joe knocks him out as the royal guards run to the dungeon. Charmig fights them off until an archer shoots him. Charming falls through a table*

Warlock: He’s done.

 

*The Stooges hide as Oga and White rejoice at the news of Charming’s death. Joe bops Oga on the foot and steals the magic sword. Meanwhile Rolf and another guy find Charming who’s barely alive. They hide him as the Stooges make a run for it. They ride back to Snow White and pick her up before riding away*

Warlock: Is this the exciting conclusion?

America: Oh boy, chase scene!

Wallsteet: 40 minutes left, so no.

 

*Stooges get away for a moment as the lead knight says they’ve been tricked*

Wallstreet: We’ve been had!

 

*Moe sets Thunder and Lightning free. They all roll the carriage over a cliff into the ocean. The knights look at the damage and say its over, back to the palace*

Warlock: Works every time.

 

*Snow White says she can’t leave Charming as Curly Joe wishes that they were on the highest mountain in the world. They’re magically transported to the highest mountain in the word. White spots the sword and says its the sword that did it. Joe then wishes to be in front of a house in a fire. They’re transported back to the Dwarves house. She says now to wish for Charming. Moe has to tell White he’s dead. She walks outside and cries*

Warlock: Oh well.

America: He’ll be back.

 

*White hears Charming singing in the distance*

Wallstreet: Another song.

 

*White hallucinates that Charming is now King as he sings and skates*

America: Oh boy, now we’re hallucinating.

Warlock: The kinging is singing

*America bops Warlock*

America: Terrible pun

 

*White and Charming skate around as Fredrick and Linda with their kids skate around*

Warlock: Can we progress the story now?

Wallstreet: That explains how there were 40 minutes left and not much story to go.

 

*The swan carrying the presents skates by*

America: All the presents she didn’t get to open. Byeeeeee, thanks for nothing!

 

*Queen skates by followed by the Stooges in hot pursuit*

Warlock: Didn’t know they could skate.

 

*Stooges chase off Queen as a child sized Quinto laughs at them. White and Charming continue to skate around*

Warlock: World’s longest acid trip.

 

*White finally wakes up as Oga and Queen plot in her chamber. Queen asks the mirror who’s the fairest of them all. The mirror says Snow White even if she’s far away. Queen asks mirror where she is and mirror shows her crying in the snow. She asks Oga to transform her into a witch. Oga says no way. She commands Oga to do it, he says the potion will take time to prepare. Meanwhile a now healthy Charming gives the townspeople and Rolf an epic speech. Charming “Who’s with me?”

Warlock: I’m with ya!

America: Yahhhh

Wallstreet: Yeah me too.

 

*Oga prepares a disgusting potion*

America: All conveniently in liquid form.

 

*Queen drinks it and Oga completes the transformation. The ugly witch laughs in the mirror and says “beautiful!”

Warlock and America: Huhhh?

 

*Oga hands a poisoned apple to Queen and tells her that if Snow White eats it, she’ll be asleep for 40 years. He hands her more transforming potion and a broomstick for her to ride on*

Warlock: I thought this was Snow White, not Wizard of Oz.

America: I don’t remember the witch flying on a broomstick in the actual story.

 

*Charming leads the revolt against the palace*

Wallstreet: Put your backs into it!

 

*Charming wipes out a bunch of soldiers and Oga orders to dump the vat of oil on them. Charming escapes into the palace and wins a duel*

America: I say the candlestick is the best supporting actor.

Warlock: Ok, so we got Thunder, the moving tree and the candlestick as choices. Results will be revealed later.

 

*Charming duels with Oga one on one*

Wallstreet: This is like the end of Princess Diaries.

Warlock: Yeah, they ripped off this movie big time….wait, what did you say?

America: Its Princess BRIDE you fool.

*Warlock slaps him*

Warlock: Princess Diaries is Julie Andrews and Anne Hathaway you goose brain.

Wallstreet: Sorry.

 

*Charming kills Oga by dropping him 30 feet into the oil vat below. Rolf “You are now the rightful king. What are your orders”

Wallstreet: Take your lives! Now!

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha

 

*The Stooges leave White behind to go hunting for food. Joe sings “A hunting we will go”. Meanwhile the Queen drinks more potion and tricks White into believing she’s a gypsy. Queen hands her the apple and tries to shill it on her. White bites into it as the Stooges return with their loot…only to be struck by lighting by the Queen.

Warlock: How are they going to kill the Queen and wake up Snow White in just 10 minutes?

*She taunts them as Joe wishes the Queen would go to Hades and stay there. Suddenly the sword glows and Queen crashes into a rock and explodes*

Wallstreet:There ya go.

America: That was easy.

 

*Stooges run in and find Snow White sleeping. They try to wish her awake but the sword is out of wishes. The stooges lament. Meanwhile King Charming orders his soldiers to keep searching for her. Rolf tells Charming that the mirror may be able to help. King asks the mirror where Snow White is and the mirror answers a cabin in the mountains. He rides off*

Warlock: Love how he knows exactly where to go.

America: I love how they showed the pyramids. They’re in a giant, snow covered cabin, not the damn desert!

 

*The Stooges watch over Snow White and Moe weeps*

Warlock: This is the most serious I’ve ever seen him.

 

*Charming rides to the cabin and says he regained his memory and is king now. Stooges give him the bad news that Snow White is dead and they didn’t have the heart to bury her. Charming laments over the body

Wallstreet: I can’t live anymore, goodbye cruel world.

Warlock: He’s Prince Charming, not Romeo.

 

*Charming kisses Snow White and she wakes up*

Wallstreet: I think he’s going to sing now.

Warlock: There’s 2 minutes left, there’s no time.

America: Good.

 

*White asks what happened to the Queen, the Stooges say they took care of her. We get an end song as the credits roll*

Warlock: Bravo…bravo

Wallstreet: Ovarb, Ovarb!

*America slaps him*

 

Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: For a Stooges flick I’d give it an 8 out of 10. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Mr. America’s assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10

The Warlock’s assessment: It was a musical adaption of Snow White with The Three Stooges, can’t expect much more than that. I also give it 7 out of 10.

Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10:  Great

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: By the way guys, the votes are in. The best suppporting actor is….THE MOVING TREE!

America: Why?

Warlock: Its his last movie, let him win for once.

America: Oh ok.

*Wallstreet rises from the recliner*

Wallstreet: Well guys, it was a fun ride, but its time to go.

America: Need a ride?

Wallstreet: Yes I do. Warlock, go get the Plymouth.

Warlock: Oh no you don’t, this time he’s taking you.

Wallstreet: In his car?

America: No, the PANZER!

Wallstreet: Really?

America: If you’re gonna go, go in style!

Wallstreet: Sounds good to me.

*Wallstreet and America leave the lair. America starts up the big tank as Wallstreet climbs in as well. America rides off down the street as Wallstreet shouts CHARRGEEEEEEEEEEEE. Warlock shakes his head and walks inside. He hangs a framed picture of Warlock, Wallstreet and America with Ooga Booga and smiles at it*

Warlock: So long Mr. Wallstreet, have a pleasant evening.

 

 

 

 

 

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