*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, sneakers, black leather jacket, blue jeans and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a can of PepsiCola*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates and does a 360 before coming down and entering the lair*
Warlock: Tonight we finish off the last 4 (8) pack. Thank god its over. You ready guys?
*Mr. America is on the left side of the couch with his arms folded. He’s in his standard gear. Warlock looks to the recliner and is surprised to find it empty*
Warlock: Where’d Mr. Wallstreet go?
America: He got a call on his cell phone and he left. Said something about Florida.
Warlock: Oh great. We have to finish this ourselves?
America: Looks that way.
Warlock: Wonderful. Anyway tonight’s movie is Hoboken Hollow. The movie adaptation based on the real life events of the infmous Texas Slave Ranch.
America: Wait, what?
*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*
Warlock: So let’s not delay, let’s get this over with.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “As Trevor drifts through Texas on collision course with a nightmare he is still haunted by the evils of the war he recently returned from and a promise he failed to keep. When a stranger offers a ride, Trevor finds himself battling the brutal homegrown evil of the Broderick family at Hoboken Hollow,a remote West Texas ranch that many visit but few ever leave.”
America: Sounds like the only thing worse than child labor.
*Echo Bridge appears*
America: That damn bridge again.
Warlock: For the last time
*Hitchiker sticks thumb out, gets in a truck. Is hung 30 seconds later*
America: Well that didn’t take long.
*Somebody cuts up hitchhiker for meat*
Warlock: This wasted zero time.
*Opening graphic tells the real story of Hoboken Hollow*
Warlock: So this actually happened?
America: Who knows.
Warlock: I heard of La Llorona, never heard of this.
*Two random guys run out of a barn*
America: I’m trying to find my phone right now.
*Van drives by*
America: The heck did I do with it?
*Rooster head still moves*
America: Pretty sure that’s just a prop.
*Opening credits list Lin Shaye, Rudolf Martin, Bobby Carradine, Michael Madsen, C Thomas Howell and Dennis Hopper*
Warlock: This cast is too good for this to suck this bad so far.
*Guy dives off a rock…3 feet into the lake*
Warlock: Not exactly cliff diving
*Narrator tells us the story of Hoboken Hollow. Introduces Trevor Lloyd (Jason Connery). He was an army ranger that let his friend die in combat. He became a drifter that fell into a nightmare*
Warlock: Least we get some character depth
*Van full of people stumble upon Trevor. Meanwhile Sheriff Greer (Dennis Hopper)gets flipped off “That sonovabitch!”
*The Border Patrol show up to harass Thad Simmons (Robert Carradine). He says all the workers are legal with green cards. Thad warns them of Weldon Broderick (Mark Holton). Bobby (Carlos Compean) investigates. Weldon wipes blood from his foot. Meanwhile a trucker picks up Trevor. They chat for a bit*
Warlock: Again, better than nothing.
*Miguel Sanchez runs around as JT Goldman (Michael Madsen) is introduced. His attorney Tom Stockwell (Greg Evigan) is with him. Mrs Broderick (Lin Shaye) tells them to buzz off. JT buys jerky for 50 dollars*
America: Talk about price gouging.
*Trevor has flashback nightmare of the war he was in. Trucker looks at him funny. Meanwhile the guy Sheriff Greer dropped off is run over by Weldon. Blood spatters everywhere*
Warlock: Woahhhh yeah.
*JT and Tom are trying to buy out Mrs. Broderick. They shit talk Junior Broderick (Jonathan Fraser). She refuses and some interloper runs into the store. She yells at him to get out. Stockwell makes one last attempt to buy her out and she yells at him to leave*
America: If this wasn’t a horror movie, this is where they kill the shop owner to raid the land.
Warlock: Good call
*Clayton Connelly (C Thomas Howell) introduces himself to Howie Beadle (Rudolf Martin). Howie says he wants to go to California. He hops in the van as the Narrator says within 3 days, four of these guys would be dead*
Warlock: Way to blow the ending.
*Weldon feeds human remains to the pigs*
Warlock: Its Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys.
America: No its not!
Warlock: I know, but he looks like him.
Warlock: Its Mark Holton you fool, from Teen Wolf, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and League of Their Own.
*We’re introduced to Junior as he peeks though an outhouse stall. Clayton, Howie, Parker (Randy Spelling) and others get out of the van at Hoboken Hollow. Meanwhile Mrs Broderick and Weldon share bonding moments*
Warlock: Lin Shaye is 15 years older than him, so it is believable that she’s his mom.
*Random guy walks up to Thad. Thad calls the Sheriff and someone off-screen drags him away*
Warlock: Who’s that?
*Parker leads Howie and others to a bunkhouse. Howie reads a soliloquy about Hoboken Hollow that scares the others*
*Thad and Greer bully Weldon about the lumber he’s hauling. Meanwhile Clayton bullies Terri Beasley (Teri Hilton). Clayton then put Howie and the others to work. Weldon spots the interloper. Clayton leads Howie and the others upstairs with the guy with the afro hears children laughing. Someone has been playing Scrabble with Redrum as a word on the table*
Warlock: Sadly that’s the best part of the movie so far.
*Clayton introduces Lois (Deneen Frazier) who has yellow teeth and horrible scabs on her face*
Warlock and America: AHHHHHH!!!
*Clayton introduces the dude with one eye as Andrew Gates (Kingsly Martin). He calls Howie a nazi*
Warlock: He IS German in real life
*Clayton calls the guy with the fro Archie Brubaker (Erick Nathan) and calls him a nigger. Archie is obviously pissed. He jumps up and they go to leave when Junior points a shotgun at them. Clayton goes into a speech about how they’re trapped now and working for him, Sheriff Greer is also Lois’ cousin. They all get handcuffed and led away to the barn. Meanwhile the interloper from earlier is impaled and killed by Weldon*
Warlock: If I knew who he was, I’d probably care.
*The trucker drops off Trevor and says “take care of yourself”*
America: I don’t think he will.
*Preston Hanks (Joe Stevens) and Donald-Paul (Robert Peters) wake up Gates and Howie. They say they were once chained themselves but did what they were told. Howie spots Archie missing and they hear a scream. Donald and Preston go investigate. Weldon pulls out Archie’s gold tooth with pliers. Donald gives a speech how they better work or they’re fucked because nobody cares. Meanwhile Archie stumbles into the barn saying Weldon pulled out his tooth. Fade to black*
Warlock: Thank god for character development.
*Trevor wakes up on a picnic table after having another flashback. Meanwhile Lois and Junior wake up Howie with a cattle prod. She tells Junior if he complains, kill him. Meanwhile JT tells Tom to buy out Weldon. JT and Clayton chat with each other. JT pays off Clayton for dirt on the Broderick. JT and Tom drive off and Tom is suspicious. Meanwhile a calico cat drinks blood*
Warlock: Awww der Smittens.
*Archie and Howie work in the field. Andrew drops a bunch of bird feathers as Lois berates him. Junior zaps him with a cattle prod and tells him to go get the others. Weldon feeds a dog as Archie makes a run for it. Junior close behind with a cattle prod. Clayton pounds on Rhonda’s door and berates her*
Warlock: This movie isn’t so bad as it is just boring.
*Archie spot a police car and makes a run for it. Archie jumps on barbed wire and get stuck. Doesn’t act hurt at all*
Warlock: For someone torn up by barbed wire, he’s not really all that shook up.
*Archie breaks free and runs toward the police crusier. He opens the door and its Weldon brandishing a shotgun. Meanwhile back at the barn Junior zaps Parker and handcuffs him. Clayton browbeats and berates him. He tells him to get more help. Meanwhile Trevor wanders along before getting picked up by Parker*
Warlock: He’s done nothing so far.
*Parker and Trevor share bonding moments as Parker tries to shill the ranch work on him*
America: Its a trap.
*Weldon repeatedly stabs Archie and ties him neck first to the back of his truck, dragging him away*
Warlock: Least he’s still alive.
*Parker and Donald tell Howie the horror stories of what goes on around there. Weldon then throws Archie’s body down a well*
*Parker pulls up to the ranch with Trevor in tow. Weldon and Junior corner Trevor and zap him. Trevor punches Junior but he no sells it. Trevor hears the child’s voice as well and he’s attacked by a child. He’s cuffed and taken prisoner by Clayton, Lois, Junior and Weldon. Trevor springs up and Lois hits him in the head with a frying pan*
Warlock: That frying pan was best supporting actor.
America: Sounds about right
*Parker drowns his sorrows with Rhonda saying something terrible is about to happen*
Warlock: About to?
America: Something already has.
*Trevor comes to and asks why. Lois “Girl’s gotta make a living”
Warlock: She sounds more of a man than Bobby Carradine.
*Trevor passes out after being drained of blood. Next day Clayton yells at Howie to get back to work. He refuses and Junior hangs him. Clayton flips a coin to decide his fate and it lands on heads, he lives. Everyone is mad as Junior lets Howie go. Later on Trevor is asleep with a scorpion crawling on him*
Warlock: Where’s Sub Zero?
*Parker and Preston tie up a live goat as Howie looks on miffed. The goat cries out as Parker says to slit his throat so the blood drains in a bucket*
Warlock: I don’t wanna see that.
*We cut away and when we return, Howie has blood on him. He walks out of the barn and pukes*
Warlock: Thank gawd they cut away.
*Thad berates Weldon as Weldon is mad. Clayton spills the beans of the operation to JT. Clayton is paid off again as Weldon looks on angry. Meanwhile back at the barn, the prisoners have lunch. Gates was late so he gets nothing. He’s pissed*
Warlock: Poor him.
*Howie “Why don’t you talk to the bitch? She’s the brains of the operation”
*Gates cuts a promo about what he’s going to do to Lois when she shows up right behind him. She and Junior intimidate everyone and they leave. Parker hands Gates a chainsaw and tells him to cut. Meanwhile Rhonda makes Lois’ bed as Junior sneaks up on her. Junior cuffs her and throws her on the bed. He starts zapping her with the cattle prod. He then rips off her underwear and bra. Junior disrobes in front of Lois and starts raping her much to Lois’ delight*
Warlock: What a sick bastard.
*Gates continues to cut wood with a chainsaw even though he hears the screams. Meanwhile Junior cums*
Warlock: I think he’s finished.
*Weldon drives Clayton and he’s suspicious. Meanwhile Gates spots Rhonda walking gingerly away and runs up to eat some sandwiches. Trevor asks her if she’s okay”
America: Does it look like she’s okay?
*Preston and Donald corner Gates who taunts them about missing supper. Parker tells Preston that he’s shit out of luck. Parker goes home to Rhonda*
America: Something needs to happen.
*Lois, Weldon, Junior, Parker and Clayton torture Gates in front of everyone. Lois tells Junior to pull out his eyes. Trevor protests but shuts up. Lois makes him recite a commercial recorded on audio. Lois forces Howie to pee in Gates’ eyes. He can’t, so Preston does. Trevor is disgusted. Clayton cuts a hilarious heel promo*
Warlock: Never thought I’d see Howell as a heel, but it works.
*The heels drag Gates off and hang him from a tree. Meanwhile Clayton comes back and unties Trevor. He tells Trevor to run for it. After Trevor leaves, Weldon confronts him. Weldon then drops the retarded act and tells Clayton to get in the barn. Parker, Lois and Junior taunt Gates while he’s hanging. Howie “Don’t you think he’s had enough?” Lois tells him to shut up. Preston, Parker, Donald and Howie leave him hanging. Meanwhile Trevor has run up the stairs of Lois’ place*
Warlock: He has a chance to run for it and he runs into Lois’ place? He deserves to bite it.
*Junior cuts a promo in the mirror until Parker tells him that Trevor has gone missing. Trevor then frees himself as he runs into Rhonda. She leads him to the basement where they light a lantern.She tells him to use the underground escape route and tells him to come back for her. Trevor “I will”
Warlock: Famous last words.
*Trevor hides in the outhouse as Junior investigates. He hides in the excrement until Junior goes away*
America: He’s in a pretty shitty situation
*Trevor runs into the barn where he finds Clayton dead and impaled*
Warlock: One down, four to go.
*Weldon whacks Howie on the head. Parker and Terri wake up as Lois tells Parker he’s the new foreman. Rhonda has to go clean the bedroom again. Weldon impales Howie. Meanwhile Parker and Donald watch an open fire. Parker goes back to Terri who say it was Gates that they burned. Next morning Parker finds Donald and Preston and say Howie is missing. Preston finds Howie’s remains and gets disgusted. Meanwhile Trevor makes it to the Border Patrol. The Narrator says Trevor made it home to his wife. Terri then goes to clean the bedroom. Rhonda Simmons (Deedee Phieffer) is captured by Mrs Broderick. The Narrator is actually Weldon. He says Mrs. Broderick sold her ranch to JT for 1.8 million dollars. Parker was granted immunity for testifying as Weldon says his retard act set him free. In the well where Rhonda is thrown, Archie’s arm pops up. The movie ends with Sherrif Greer bringing more help to Lois. A graphic basically says the Broderick’s got away with it*
Warlock: At least the ending was realistic. In real life Weldon, Parker and Junior went free due to lack of evidence and no warrants.
Mr. America’s Assessment: Uh…I give it a 4.
Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4. The cast was great but it just dragged. I was hoping they wouldn’t fuck up a movie with that good a cast, thankfully it wasn’t that bad.
Final Grade: 4 out of 10 – Bad
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was a disappointment. It had a great cast but failed to do anything with it. It was a low budget heaping pile of shit.
America: Hey, that’s my line!
Warlock: That’s it, the 8-pack is done.
America: No, don’t say that.
America: Every time you do, someone comes to the door. Happens every time.
Warlock: I’ll fry whoever comes to the door this time.
*They wait a few moments*
Warlock: I guess we’re home free.
*America jumps up and screams*
America: WE MADE IT! WE MADE ITTTTTTT!!!!!
*Warlock turns to the camera*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.