*The Warlock opens the door to his lair wearing an Addidas Tom Brady New England Patriots jersey, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi throwback*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock flicks his wrist and flame illuminates from his hand before he closes it and enters the lair. Mr. America pops up from behind the couch with his Stinger rocket launcher*
Mr. America: HALT! WHO GOES THERE???
Warlock: Will you cut that out? Who else would it be?
America: Demonic Toys, Dollman, Jay Z Jedley….take your pick.
*Mr. Wallstreet is sitting in the recliner reading Times magazine. He’s wearing a blue Men’s Warehouse suit, black undershirt and yellow tie with black wing tipped shoes*
Wallstreet: For once I agree with Mr. America’s paranoia. Too many visitors lately.
Warlock: I prefer the term uninvited guests. Speaking of which, tonight’s movie is a garbage B movie from 2007 called Secrets of the Clown. Its movie number 3 or 7 of the last horror pack.
America: I have a secret.
Warlock: I’m sure you do.
America: I’m going to hate this movie.
Warlock: That’s no secret.
*Warlock and America take their seats*
Warlock: So without further delay, its time for Secrets of the Clown*
*Warlock reads the tagline*
Warlock: “After the brutal murder of his best friend Jim, Bobbie is haunted by a presence. His girlfriend Val is distant and appears to have secrets of her own. Then the nightmares begin. Through the nightmares Bobbie uncovers clues regarding the murderer’s identity.”
*Movie opens with naked big breasted woman (Michelle Brancato) saying there’s someone in the house*
Warlock: 5 seconds into it and its not the worst movie of all time.
America: I know what’s there, a CLOWN!
*Woman’s phone is dead. She screams and Troy (Troy Lee) is killed by an unknown assailant (Scott Whipple)*
Warlock: I couldn’t see a god damned thing
*Brunette girl leaves the library and the scene is too dark*
Warlock: The lighting crew fucked up on this one. They went for a realistic approach but none of us can see anything.
*Beggar sneaks up on Brunette girl and she drops change into his cup after he gives her the book she dropped*
America: The lighting is horrible.
*Girl calls Bobbie (Paul Pierro) and he doesn’t answer. She comes home and no one is there. The cops are at the next door neighbors house. He pops up under the bed and pulls her panties off. Brunette girl strips and gets in the shower*
Warlock: Show it…show it!
America: Doesn’t look like we’re gonna get that lucky
*Brunette girl packs her stuff, grabs a clown off the shelf and says goodbye to Bobbie. He asks what’s going on, she says she’s leaving. He calls her Val (Kelli Clevenger). He asks why she’s leaving and she horribly acts and walks out the door*
Warlock: That was horrible acting.
*Bobbie gets smashed with his friend. The friend says “Women, can’t live with em, can’t kill em.”
*Friend asks what the clown is about, Bobbie says its Val’s. She says it protected her.*
*Bobbie has to piss*
Warlock: This is an integral part of the movie?
*Friend smashes the clown doll with a bottle*
America: Yeah you really showed that doll!
*Bobbie gets a call from Val and they miss each other. Friend is Jim (Jay O’Connor) who is actually is his best friend. Jim says he’s gonna be sick and walks outside. He calls someone named Ed before he’s ambushed and killed by an unknown assailant. Bobbie then hallucinates he sees a tub of blood*
America: What the hell?
*Bobbie wakes up in the hospital with a bandage around his head. Val is there with him. Val tells him he’s dead*
Warlock: Yeah Jim ain’t gonna make it.
*Val says let’s go home. She should have left. Val “I choose you”
Warlock: What is he, a pokemon?
*Bobbie has a nightmare of a bleeding clown*
America: What the?
Warlock: I’m lost.
*Bobbie says Jon (John Blick) is on his way. Bobbie says its been a month since Jim died. Bobbie asks why there was a doll next to his body, he confronts her why she cares more about the doll than Jim. She says that’s not true*
Warlock: This dialogue sucks.
*Bobbie is enraged and says the place is haunted*
Warlock: The entire movie is overdubbed.
*Louie (Thomas Perez) and Jon yell at each other. They drop by Bobbie’s place*
Warlock: This is TERRIBLE.
*Jon says Louie suffers from borderline retardation*
*Jon says Mike (Dusty Mitchell) and Ken (Scott Allen Luke) are waiting for them at the cemetery. Bobbie sees a jump scare shot of Jim before walking out*
Warlock: Ok that was almost cool.
*Jon, Bobbie and Louie introduce themselves to Mike and Kelly (Tami Badalamenti). Ken shows up and Jon doesn’t like him. They all visits Jim’s grave. Bobbie tells Jon he isn’t sleeping well*
Warlock: This dialogue is terrible.
*Bobbie makes Jon promise not to tell anyone as he reveals that he thinks Jim’s spirit is still with him. Ken overhears him and tells him to go see a psychic (Michael Kott). Jon “He was better off calling the Ghostbusters”
*Jon tells Mike that Bobbie is seeing ghosts. Bobbie calls him an asshole. He tells the whole group about his nightmares. Jon insults him and Mike punches him across the face. Jon is busted open as the clown kills him in the car*
*Mike and Bobbie tells Jim stories and everyone laughs*
Warlock: Least we’re getting SOME character development.
America: Mike kind of looks like Randy Orton a little bit.
*Val sees something and runs. A note on the window in blood reads “Soon”
Warlock: Try explaining that.
*Wallstreet shakes his head and begins reading the New York Times*
Wallstreet: This is complete crap.
*The group finds Jon in his car dead. Kelly screams. Ken callsthe cops as Louie cries*
America: They probably won’t explain this.
*Bobbie tries to write Jon’s eulogy but a voice keeps whispering “Bobbie”*
Warlock: At least the soundtrack is creepy.
*Bobbie dreams of a clown with candlelight. He finds Val who turns into a demon clown. Bobbie uppercuts her with a toaster. Bobbie “You;re toast!”
*Bobbie wakes up again. The screen fades to black*
Warlock: Great, double hallucination.
*At Jon’s funeral, everyone weeps as the director (James Brust) delivers the prayer. Bobbie volunteers to say a few words. After the eulogy, the group bands together and say they’re going to hunt the killer down. They need to talk to the psychic first*
Warlock: So much for the one man struggle.
*Bobbie plays pool as Val complains about the psychic he’s bringing in. Val says there IS a presence in the house. She didn’t want to upset Bobbie by telling him*
Warlock: There’s more to this than meets the eye.
*Val says she had a nightmare that all the friends were killed and Bobbie is last. This isn’t the first time she dreamt of him dying either*
America: What took you so long to tell him?
*The psychic shows up and ‘feels’ the flashback of Jim dying. He’s wearing a cape*
Warlock: Is he wearing a cape?
America: Looks like it.
*Ken: “I believe we spoke on the phone”
Warlock: No, they spoke through a water bottle.
*The psychic feels the presence and sees the clown holding the candle in front of it. Psychic says there’s more to this because a presence this powerful shouldn’t be staying here. They investigate where Jim died and the psychic feels the evil spirit. Meanwhile Louie plays pool with Mike. Kelly asks why Val isn’t joining them. Louie “My point is, the bitch is weird!”
Warlock and America: Heh.
*Ken wonders why they know nothing about Val, where she came from, her friends, etc. Mike regrets fighting with Jon before he died. Louie says it wasn’t his fault. Kelly asks if Jim’s spirit is in the house*
Warlock: Well, if nothing else, SOME form of development.
*The group sans Bobbie takes a shot in salute of Jim. Another shot glass appears and the group freaks out*
*Bobbie tells the Psychic that he saw a clown in his dreams. Bobbie says Jim broke the doll clown’s feet and Bobbie found the clown doll next to his body after he was found dead. Bobbie goes to show the Psychic the clown doll but its gone. A voice tells Val to kill Bobbie first, slowly*
*Mike tries to hold a seance. He puts two pieces of paper down, one saying yes and the other says no. He asks if Jim can hear them, the shot glass moves on its own to yes. Ken asks if Jim understands, the shot glass moves to yes. Ken asks Jim if he knows who did this, the shot glass moves to yes. Ken “Is the murderer someone we know?” The shot glass moves to yes. Meanwhile Bobbie tells the Psychic about the dream Val had. Psychic says there’s something wrong and to call Val immediately. He calls her but she has no service*
*Wallstreet shakes his head and starts reading Forbes Magazine. Val gets out of her car and a country hick gives her a lift. Ken asks if the murderer is in the house. No answer. Ken asks if Jim is still there. The shot glass moves to no. They figure out they’re not talking to Jim. Ken asks if the spirit is a friend and the glass slams on no before smashing through the overhead light, cutting Ken’s eyes with glass. Louie walks out to smoke a joint*
America: Up….he’s next.
Warlock: Good call.
*Louie “Mike is that you?”
America: Not quite.
*Louie is tripping until he’s killed by something. Meanwhile Bobbie removes the glass from Ken’s head with tweezers*
America: They really should be going to a doctor.
Warlock: He’s really had better days.
*Bobbie asks where Louie is, Mike says he went outside. Bobbie says to go out and get Louie. Psychic says not to go anywhere. Nobody has any cell service and the landline is down. Mike says he’s going outside.Suddenly Louie bangs on the door covered in blood. He’s dragged away and killed by a clown. Psychic “Keep the window closed. Its gone, for now” Mike smells a rat and yells at the Psychic. Bobbie asks what to do now, meanwhile Val is still with country hick. Country Hick punches her in the face and its revealed he was the beggar earlier. He’s under orders to babysit her. She then does some kind of evil magic to kill the dude and exit the car*
Warlock: Ok now I’m lost.
America: Uh huh.
*Meanwhile Bobbie wants to get Ken to the hospital, the Psychic says not to go anywhere. Psychic says its time to contact Jim. Meanwhile Val sticks her thumb out on the side of the road*
America: That didn’t work the last time.
*A woman (Sherry Wendt) gives Val a lift. Woman says she loves to read. The woman asks what Val is reading. Val answers witchcraft. Woman “Witchcraft is nothing but a path to the grave.”
America: What happened to not judging?
Warlock: Oh great, she hitched a ride with a Jehovah’s Witness.
*Meanwhile Psychic says as long as the circle isn’t broken, they can find Jim. If they break the circle, the evil spirit can get them. The woman has to stop for gas*
America: Why do I have a feeling something’s going to happen here?
*Woman comes back to car and she’s gone. Woman “I pray you find peace”
Warlock: Well at least she didn’t get killed.
*Mike and Bobbie go to get candles as Bobbie starts to hear voices. Bobbie goes upstairs as the drawer opens itself. Bobbie finds Val’s black magic book. Bobbie figures that Val was the killer the whole time. Bobbie staggers to the others and says he knows who the killer is. He says its Val and he collapses. Ken starts tripping as Kelly admits she gave him 4 vicodin. Mike “I don’t know what’s worse” Psychic reads the book and says its full of spells. The map inside shows that Val has found a way to cheat death and gain eternal life. Val continues to run home while staring at her watch*
*Mike says that Val couldn’t have killed them. Psychic says he’s only half right. He says the evil spirit needs a human form. Mike says its not human. Psychic says it doesn’t have to be human, human, just human form. Mike says its the clown, Ken says its the clown doll. Meanwhile Bobbie outside finds Jim who says Val isn’t the killer. Jim says he didn’t lead her to the book. He says Val holds the answers and to trust no one. Finally Bobbie wakes up to Mike and Kelly. The Psychic is in the other room meditating. Meanwhile Ken is posessed by the clown. He stabs Kelly and Mike cracks his neck “Let’s go you zombie motherfucker” Ken drops Mike and and Bobbie stabs him from behind. Ken falls as Mike says “You killed Ken.” Bobbie “I’m a bastard”
*Psychic says by killing Ken, the spirit has been released. Mike opens the front door and the clown is outside. He shuts the door and admits the Psychic was right. Meanwhile the two guys that followed Val earlier (Michael Dacka, Ryan Badalmenti) jump out the car and prepare to help Val*
Warlock: That was a quick face turn, by the way one of the dudes is Kelly’s brother in real life.
*The clown kills both of the dudes and Val pulls out her clown doll. The clown disappears*
America: What the hell?
*Psychic: “Clever girl.” The Psychic turns heel and freezes Mike and Bobbie to the wall. Val walks in and confronts the Psychic. Psychic says she was his best student. Psychic says she can’t be out as Mike asks what’s going on. Psychic says its time to explain. We get a flashback of Val drinking Psychic’s blood. Psychic tells Val to capture a demonic spirit and the doll will help control the spirit. Psychic says a demon can go through the gateway but a mortal soul can send the demon back to hell. Psychic says the only way to become immortal is to kill a loved one. Psychic says 4 years from today the spell will take place. Back in real time, Psychic says Val is the reason he’s there. He says her friends are his now. Psychic summons the clown and wipes out everyone. He tells the clown to prepare and watch out for the doll*
Warlock: Went from confusing to asinine.
*Bobbie, Mike, Kelly and Val are chained up. Val “There’s so many things we need to talk about”
Warlock: No shit.
*Val says the clown doll is the key. Val reveals its not the doll but what is inside. Its Jim’s soul. Psychic “Grant me the strength my master. It is time!” Val “Whatever happens, know that I love you.” Bobbie “I love you too.”
*Psychic tells the clown to kill Bobbie first. The clown stabs Bobbie but Val summons the clown doll to stab Psychic. The group breaks free but Psychic stabs and kills Kelly as the clown snaps Mike’s neck. Val uses the clown doll to ward off the clown. The clown doll vanishes and Val explains everything. She left him 4 years earlier because she made a deal with the Psychic. She put a spell on the clown doll to protect him and the Psychic came for him, but killed Jim instead. Jim’s soul was transferred to the clown doll. Bobbie wakes up to the Psychic dressed as a doctor. The doctor says this was all a dream. He’s been in a coma for a year. The nurse (Susie Grant) puts him under with a sedative. He wakes up with the nurse taking her clothes off. Bobbie “I must be dreaming”
America: Oh god.
*The nurse mounts Bobbie and turns into a clown, suddenly Bobbie wakes up again. The nurse is normal. Bobbie asks to see Val and she walks in. Bobbie says he’s been in a dream world and tells Val about his dream. Val says he has quite the imagination. Suddenly the psychic appears and Val kills him. She says she didn’t need to kill Bobbie, just the Psychic to be set free. She says they’re free as the movie ends with the Psychic’s eyes opening*
Warlock: At least its over.
Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: Huh? I wasn’t paying attention.
Mr. America’s assessment: I give it a 2, that was BAD.
The Warlock’s assessment: That was pretty bad. I liked the nudity and a few of the lines gave me a chuckle. I give it a 2.
Final Grade: 2 out of 10 – Abomination
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was completely pathetic. I feel dumber for watching that. What do you guys think?
*Warlock turns and there’s a clown sitting in the recliner*
Warlock: Dammit Wallstreet, if you’re gonna try to scare us at least you could have popped up from behind the recliner or something.
America: Yeah really brother, not fooling us dude.
*The toilet flushes*
Warlock: Wait, what?
*Mr. Wallstreet walks out of the bathroom.*
Wallstreet: Fooling you how?
*Warlock and America look at each other*
Warlock: But if he’s there…
*Warlock and America turn to the clown in the recliner. It smiles at them*
America. Wallstreet and Warlock: WOAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
*The three of them run over each other trying to get out of the lair*
Clown: Have a pleasant evening.