PREVIOUSLY ON WARLOCK’S MOVIE REALM
*Neyzor Blades and The Warlock ate watching From Russia With Love. James Bond and Kerim’s son check into the Istanbul hotel and the concierge says room number 32 is ready.*
“Warlock: Room 32 huh?
Neyz: Yeah, why?
*Warlock looks at his unwatched movie shelf with Room 33 sitting on it*
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket, gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Happy New Years Eve. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight is movie number 2 or 6 in the final movie pack. Room 33.
*Mr. America puts the dvd in the player then sits on the left side of the couch*
America: What happened to rooms 1-32?
Warlock: Vanished into thin air. A Roller Derby team stumbles upon a haunted insane asylum.
*Mr. Wallstreet is sitting in the recliner wearing his standard suit*
Wallstreet: A roller derby team? That’s original for once.
*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*
Warlock: Its time for Room 33.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A group of friends on a road trip seek shelter at a mental institution in the woods, only to discover that the building is the home of a mysterious young girl named Roxy whose unsettling presence serves as a foreshadow of doom.”
America: Its a mental institution, that should be your first hint that something’s wrong.
*Movie opens with terribly animated credits with grainy stock footage and garage band song*
Warlock: This doesn’t look good already.
*Nelson (Ace Gibson), Beard Guy, Blonde Girl and Brunette girl give bad dialogue and Nelson says they need to get some sleep*
America: I’ll give you a hint, you’ll soon be lost.
*A man and woman crash their car into a tree. The van with Nelson pulls up to them. Beard Guy is named Stewart (Adam Key) says they may be rapists or slashers*
Warlock: Based on Hell’s Highway, its not that far fetched.
America: The front end of the car doesn’t even look damaged.
*Blonde guy knocks on the window*
America: I need help!!!
*Brunette Girl: Are you ok?”
America: Oh yeah, it was self imposed, chick dig scars right?
*Car DOES have damage*
America: That’s better.
*Nelson tells Blonde Girl they’re going to a Roller Derby. Blonde Guy’s girlfriend is unimpressed. Blonde Guy says thanks for the lift*
Warlock: Still don’t have any names yet apart from Stewart.
*Stewart drives to a sign that says “Road Closed* on a chain link fence. Blonde Girl tells him to turn around. He says he can’t because he’s almost out of gas. The last town was 90 miles back the other way*
America: What the hell is wrong with you? You know you’re running out of gas and you don’t stop to get fuel? I want his driving privileges revoked the rest of the film.
Wallstreet: Or he should be the first to die.
America: That sounds better.
*Natasha (Nicole Dionne) puts on her skates and goes the other way, the rest of the group hops the fence. Stewart introduces himself to Chad (Chad Michael Collins) and Allie (Austin Highsmith). Stewart introduces Nelson, Barbie (Kim Manning) and Sarah (Nina Hauser). They’re a roller derby team, Stewart is the equipment manager and Nelson is the coach*
Warlock: Finally some names.
*Allie says there are no elk in this part of the pacific northwest*
America: Mrs Smarty Pants.
*Nelson “Any signs of life?”
America: No, its a creepy looking asylum.
*Nelson: “I think we should go now”
Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
America: “Yeah let’s go back”
Wallstreet: “Good idea, let’s go”
All: THE END!
*Sarah breaks the glass on the door and everyone but Nelson enters. He says he’ll stay in the van*
Warlock: He’s the only smart one
America: I call that breaking and entering.
Wallstreet: The damages are going to cost them.
*Group inside checks out the creepy place*
Warlock: I’d love it if Nelson stayed outside the whole movie no matter what.
America: Yeah, he hears screaming and says “Nope, still not going in.”
*Sarah and Barbie insult Allie. Barbie and Chad walk out. Nelson “Finally let’s go.” Barbie “We’re staying the night” Nelson is pissed*
America: I hope he lives, only smart one.
*Stewart films Allie from behind and she tells him she hates being filmed. Meanwhile she catches up to Sarah with a bat*
America: I like how she wasted no time in arming herself.
Warlock: Unlike other movies, they’re not all idiots. One wants no part of the place and another armed herself.
*Barbie and Chad get supplies from the van and as they leave, the camera closes up on the van’s overhead light still on*
America: Battery’s gonna die, good job nincompoop.
*Barbie and Chad go inside, Nelson joins them*
Warlock: No no no no…awwww
Wallstreet: He’s done.
*Allie checks out the records office. She tells Sarah that this was a psychiatric hospital, not a retirement home. Sarah says she heard an urban legend that this place cut people up for body parts*
Warlock: So THIS is the fear chamber?
*Sarah opens a morgue slab and a white rat comes out*
Warlock: Its Doris from Home Alone 3!
*Roxy (Olivia Leigh Schwarzentraub) runs at Sarah with a shovel, screams, swings and misses*
America: Steeeeeeerike 1
*Roxy drops the shovel and walks away*
*Roxy hides under the sink. Sarah freaks out*
America: Relax, she’s not Randy Orton.
*Allie tries to sweet talk Roxy as the rest of the group show up. Stewart films everything. Roxy says “She kills people” Allie: “Who did this?” Roxy “He killed them” Nelson “I told you staying here was a bad idea*
Warlock: Will someone listen to him?
*Natasha lays in the middle of the road*
America: That’s one way to become roadkill.
*Natasha walks up to a preacher (Taras Los) who’s eyes go black. Allie screams and says “She’s dead”. The group decides to split up to look around*
*Deputy Hawkins (Richard Courtney) drives up to Chad’s car and THEN puts the cherries on. He calls for backup when the preacher in black walks up to him. Suddenly Nelson hears screaming from a distance*
Warlock: At least he TRIED to call for backup.
*Barbie and Sarah hits the lights on the circuit breakers*
America: Why didn’t she put all of them on?
*Meanwhile back in the van, Nelson spots the preacher in the mirror, gets out and he’s not there*
America: Whatever you do, don’t investigate.
Warlock: Too late.
*Allie slips a candy bar to Roxy. She tells Allie her name. Allie says “Its gonna be ok”
Warlock: No its not.
*Chad and Stewart catch up to Sarah and Barbie. Nelson runs in and says he has a bad feeling about this. Stewart wires the circuit breaker to get the surveillance cameras and establishes himself as a complete pervert in the process*
America: For such a big place, why are there only four consoles?
*Nelson wanders around with a lead pipe and shouts at air. Meanwhile Barbie asks Chad how long he’s been with Allie. Chad says they’re not REALLY together because she’s having a lot of problems. Barbie says the problem can be solved with a good hookup. Chad leaves to go find Natasha and Barbie calls him a pussy*
Warlock: Faithful so far, but I see where this is going.
*Allie asks Roxy what happened. “Did somebody hurt you?
America: Uh, do you SEE the scars on her arms?
*Roxy answers in a man’s voice that no one can help her. They’ll all die. Allie runs away. Meanwhile Stewart watches Sarah strip to her thong*
*Sarah puts on her roller derby outfit as Chad and Allie talk. Allie says she heard a male voice.*
Wallstreet: That should have been a sign, get the hell out of here.
America: There’s been numerous signs.
*Stewart spots the preacher and calls the group in. Everyone walks in and Stewart says to go get Sarah. Nelson does but Sarah is skeptical. She calls everyone chicken shits and leaves*
Warlock: Her and Nelson are the only two smart ones.
*Sarah skates out and yells at the air to show itself. Nothing appears and Sarah storms back in. Nelson notices Roxy is gone. Barbie and Chad go to investigate. Allie grabs a flashlight and goes to find Roxy. Everyone goes searching*
Wallstreet: I have an idea, run for your livesssss!!
*Stewart opens a morgue slab as Allie checks the staff lockers. A cat jumps out*
Warlock: Awww der smittens.
*Nelson spots preacher on the cameras. Chad finds Roxy as he and Barbie chase after her. Roxy runs outside as Stewart says to leave her alone. Stewart goes back to the cameras, Nelson has to watch to door. Barbie goes on her own. Chad and Allie run out to catch Roxy. Meanwhile Sarah skates around with a bat in her hands*
Wallstreet: Well the best defense is the best offense.
*Stewart talks to himself*
America: He’s trying to think HAPPY thoughts!
*Nelson catches up with Barbie and says this whole situation is stupid*
Warlock: I agree.
*Barbie asks if Nelson is afraid. He says “Yes, I’d rather be afraid than dead”
Warlock: Once again, best character in the movie.
America: I wanna see him live.
*Barbie goes one way, Nelson the other*
America: Splitting up…I hate it.
*Nelson trips over the dead, eyeless body of Natasha. Camera cuts to Allie and Chad running through the woods*
Warlock: Where’s Jason Voorhees?
*Chad kisses Allie with the explanation that its for if they don’t make it. She says she doesn’t expect to die*
*Nelson walks up to Stewart. “I hate the woods, let’s leave it at that.” Stewart: “What?” Nelson “Natasha’s dead, her eyes were gone” Stewart: “Shit.”
Warlock: Anyone want to leave now??
*Allie and Chad find Roxy amongst a campsite with dead bodies, everyone’s eyes are cut out. Barbie runs up and finds the bodies. Chad, Allie, Barbie. Roxy run in and say they have to go now. Nelson reveals Natasha is dead too. Everyone runs outside and prepares to leave*
America: Should have done this a while ago.
*Sarah yells at everyone and is convinced Roxy is the killer. Stewart can’t get the van started*
America: We called it.
*Allie says fighting won’t help. Barbie says she has an idea…split up. Nelson says its a bad idea*
America: I love this guy!
*Barbie and Nelson go off together. Sarah, Roxy, Allie Stewart and Chad go back inside. Barbie and Nelson pull up on Deputy Hawkins’ cruiser and no one’s there*
Wallstreet: At least they found a car with gas in it.
*There’s blood all over the cruiser. Barbie says she doesn’t like this. They find the gun covered in blood. Nelson picks up the gun*
Warlock: Oh, they’ll blame the black guy.
*Barbie says not to be stupid to Nelson. He goes in the woods and finds the preacher. He tells him not to move. Preacher turns around and has no eyes. He walks around a tree and when Nelson turns the corner, he’s gone……until he appears right next to him. Preacher screams and then Roxy screams. She covers herself up as Chad runs in*
Warlock: There goes Nelson.
*Barbie grabs the shotgun and spots Preacher in the backseat. She pumps a round and blows the window out, but Preacher is gone*
America: Should have taken that first.
Warlock: I don’t think that was going to help.
*Stewart and Allie share bonding moments*
Warlock: At least they’re attempting character development.
*Stewart asks her out if they live. She walks away*
*Sarah says she has to pee. Chad wants to go with her and follows her. Stewart runs over and shuts the door behind them*
Warlock: What was the point of that?
*Sarah walks outside and spots something. She swings the bat and kacks Barbie in the head*
Warlock: I don’t think she’s getting up
America: That’s either a very serious concussion or she’s dead.
*Allie finds a perscription bottle as Sarah makes out with Chad outside. Sarah goes down on him as Barbie is still out cold*
America: That’s one way to distract him.
*Chad runs in and Allie notices something off about him*
America: She’s onto you.
*Sarah skates around with her helmet on, banging lockers with her bat*
America: Attacking lockers isn’t going to help.
*Allie tells Stewart and Chad that its driving her crazy. Stewart says its her only therapy. Allie walks off*
America: Well she did just knock her teammate out cold.
*Allie confronts Sarah and says she’s driving them all crazy. Sarah tells Allie to control her boyfriend. Chad runs in and says Roxy is freaking out. Allie “For the record, he’s not my boyfriend”. Roxy throws boxes around and says “He’s here…..Room 33”
Wallstreet: She said the name of the movie.
*Sarah tells Stewart that Allie and Chad could be in on it. Allie tells Chad that Room 33 was for the seriously psycho patients. Sarah puts her normal clothes on and stops in front of Chad*
Wallstreet: Ready for another?
*Sarah walks away and Chad just sits there. Allie finds a sign that says “Quiet Please”
Warlock: They mean us?
America: I hope not.
*Allie finds Room 33. Has to remove a barrier to climb in*
Wallstreet: Maybe it was barricaded for a reason!
Warlock: She may has to wrestle a xenomorph.
*Allie finds the confidential records*
America: Horrible filing system, just saying.
*Allie looks at the classified files*
Wallstreet: Its a hospital, not the government
*Allie finds that Project 7 was to test subjects with LSD*
*Allie finds a picture of a young Roxy (Rachel Hamilton) next to Preacher. Meanwhile Stewart finds someone trying to prop up Barbie. The group runs out and she’s still breathing. They put her on a gurney*
America: Why is Sarah so paranoid? Its not like it was intentional and I doubt Barbie even saw it coming.
Warlock: Not only that, all she has to say was “My bad, I did it, it was an accident”
*Sarah and Chad go exploring. The Stranger (Ned Liebl) wanders around*
Warlock: That’s the guy trying to pop up Barbie.
*Chad runs up and pushes Stewart by accident. Stranger continues to wander around. Sarah sees him, camera zooms in on the bat*
Warlock: Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage with that?
*Sarah sneaks up behind Stranger and knocks him cold with one swing*
*Chad and Stewart tie up the Stranger. Chad and Stewart ask Allie what to do? Stewart then figures out to switch the batteries from Chad’s car with the van’s*
Warlock: I thought different cars had different batteries?
America: If the voltage matches, it works.
*Chad and Stewart find the eyeless corpse of Nelson as they hear tires screeching. All of a sudden a random Hillbilly (Hollywood Heard) shows up and shoots Chad dead with a shotgun*
Warlock: Well that was pointless.
*Sarah apologizes to Barbie’s body as Stranger starts screaming for help. Allie walks up to him and he asks to be untied. His name is Martin and he’s looking for someone. He says he’s looking for a relative of his that recently escaped from a psychiatric facility. She asks if its Roxy and he says her name is Rachel. He says that Roxy is just another one of her personalities. Allie asks if she’s connected to Room 33, Martin faces goes cold. “How did you know that?” He reveals Roxy’s father ran the place until he and two others were murdered. Martin implies that she killed them all. 5 years ago she escaped an asylum and killed 3 others. Martin says she claimed her dead father climbed out of her brain to protect her. Allie unties Martin and they run downstairs to Nintendo sounding music*
Warlock: What a mouthful.
America: We have 10 minutes to bring this to a conclusion.
*Martin and Allie find Roxy/Rachel. The male voice answers “Hello Martin.” Martin “I want to speak with Rachel.” A child’svoice answers. Roxy calls out for her father. “Daddy protects me.”
Warlock: This movie just got fucked.
*Preacher appears out of nowhere, the real name is Steven. Steven “Hello Martin.” Martin “Steven, you’re dead!” Steven “Not anymore.” Steven screams and Allie runs away*
Warlock: I’m trying to figure out how any of this is happening and I doubt we’re gonna find out.
*Sarah walks up with a bat. Allie screams to look out. Sarah spots Steven coming and goes to confront him. Sarah swings and misses as Steven punches her eyes out. The ghost of Steven disappears*
Wallstreet: What a waste of beauty.
*Allie follows where Steven went. He appears on the staircase and disappears*
America: You’re being led somewhere. Better follow along.
*Allie finds Roxy who also disappears. Allie makes it to the roof of the building where Roxy goes to the edge. Roxy “I have to make it stop!” She jumps….splat*
Warlock: I give that dive a 6
*Two men in suits take Stewart’s statement. Barbie is being carted off. Allie is rocking back and forth, apparently possessed*
Wallstreet: I think we’re just as confused now as when we first started
Warlock: No explanation of the random hillbilly or how Stewart got away, no explanation of how a ghost is wandering around……good god.
Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: Whatever happened to good movie writers? 5 out of 10
Mr. America’s assessment: Ughhhh, I’ll give it a……3 out of 10
The Warlock’s assessment: I’ll give it a 3. Plot was decent for the most part, the characters were actually developed and smart. Too much went wrong though.
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10: Very poor
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Once again a movie tries to be good but ultimately fell short. Some of the characters were smart, the setting was creepy but there was too much garbage holding it back. That about wraps up Room 33, have a….
America: Aren’t you forgetting something?
*America points to the clock, 12:01 AM*
Warlock:….HAPPY NEW YEAR!
*Mr. Wallstreet emerges from the bathroom in a party hat, blowing on a streamer and runs in a circle. Mr. America removes his cammo hat and puts on a party hat. He pops open a nearby bottle of rum and pours 3 glasses. Warlock dons a party hat and everyone clinks their glasses together.
America and Wallstreet: *sings*Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mindddddddddd.
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening and happy new year!