The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a Boston Celtics #13 Delonte West jersey, jeans and sneakers. He’s holding a bottle of Barq’s root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and then walks into the lair*
Warlock: Tonight we begin the last 4 pack…
*Mr. America and Mr. Wallstreet both stand up and cheer*
America: The torture is almost over.
*Wallstreet sits back down in the recliner, he’s wearing a standard suit. America is on the left side of the couch putting the dvd in. He’s also in standard attire*
Warlock: Movie number 1 or 5, depending how you look at it is Curtains. A slasher film from Canada that was filmed in 1980 but wasn’t released until 1983.
America: Is Curtains the final act? Is there an intermission? Should I piss now or wait?
Warlock: Very funny.
*Warlock sits on the right side of the couch*
Warlock: Let’s get this party started with Curtains.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Six young actresses auditioning for a movie role at a remote mansion are targeted by a mysterious masked murderer.”
Wallstreet: What else is new? Another masked murderer.
America: Take a number.
*Movie opens with 80’s graphics and credits*
Warlock: Simple and to the point, I like the sound of that.
America: This is definitely going to be a slasher.
*Movie opens with Samantha Sherwood (Samantha Eggar) acting a scene, the director Jonathan Stryker (John Vernon) is unimpressed. She asks what he thinks. He doesn’t answer*
America: You blew it.
*Samantha and Stryker visit Dr. Pendleton (Calvin Butler) who’s a fan of hers. Apparently Samantha is being committed in preparation for the role of Audra, a movie she’s going to be performing in. She attacks Stryker and the orderlies strap a straight jacket on her*
Warlock: Do the dislocating shoulder trick!
*Pendleton “I think you should leave.” Jonathan wants one last word with her. They hug and reveal their plot. Later on, Samantha hangs out with the happy home inmates (Theresa Tova, Janice Nicholsen, Patricia Carroll Brown, Julie Massie, Angela Carroll, Mary Durkin, Elaine Crosley, Anna Migliarese, Jenna Louise, Suzanne Russel, Katya Ladan, Frances Gunn, Sheila Currie, Kay Griffin, Virginia Leight, Janelle Hutchinson, Bunty Webb)*
America: How are they going to explain this?
*Jonathan visits Samantha who’s increasingly angry. She watches a movie of herself with everyone laughing at her*
Warlock: I’m sure it’ll be explained.
*Montage of Samantha actually going crazy after she reads that casting is underway for her role as Audra*
Warlock: Wow, what a dick.
*Patti O’Connor (Lynne Griffin) does standup comedy as Brooke Parsons (Linda Thorson) wants the role as well. Meanwhile Samantha has escaped from the asylum. Samantha burns the profile shots of all 6 girls auditioning for the role in a fire. A mysterious friend (Daisy White) helped her escape. Meanwhile Amanda Teuther (Deborah Burgess) is in her apartment alone preparing for bed wearing a Drew Pearson Cowboys jersey. She reads the script over a glass of wine as a masked burglar stalks her. The masked burglar is actually her husband Peter (Booth Savage) role playing to spice up the sex life*
Warlock: I’ll give credit for that.
*Amanda drives down the highway and spots a doll in the middle of the road*
America: That is a creepy ass doll.
Warlock: ITS ANNABELLE LOOK OUT!
*The doll comes alive and grabs Amanda. Someone gets in the car and runs her over….only for her to wake up, it was a nightmare all along. She asks for Peter but he’s not there. A masked killer stabs and kills Amanda for real*
Wallstreet: And who the hell was that?
America: I wanna know why the killer looks like a troll.
*We’re introduced to the other women Laurian Summers (Anne Ditchburn) and Tara DiMello (Sandee Curie). Patti stops for gas and the 12 year old attendant (Richie Pierce) checks her out with her noticing. He redeems himself and she drives off smiling*
Warlock: He’s gonna go jerk off now.
*Laurian, Patti, Tara, Brooke and Christie Burns (Lesleh Donaldson) are together. Brooke says she’d kill for the part. Tara said she’d fuck for the part. Patti said she’d sell her mother into slavery. Stryker “That shouldn’t be necessary, but I’ll keep in mind.” He introduces his henchman Matthew (Michael Wincott). Samantha walks in uninvited. Matthew and Tara fuck in a jacuzzi*
Warlock: This is not the worst movie of all time.
*Stryker sneaks up on Samantha and she confronts him. Stryker admits he used her to buy the rights to Audra*
Warlock: What a heel
*Patti does an x-rated puppet show*
Warlock, America and Wallstreet: Hahahahahaha
America: Alright, I vote the stuffed dog is the best supporting actor.
Wallstreet: I second that.
Warlock: Wait a minute, I didn’t get a vote.
America: It doesn’t matter you’re overruled.
*Christie tries to bond but Patti and Brooke laugh her off. Christie leaves as Brooke and Patti watch Tara in the jacuzzi. Stryker and Samantha yell at each other as Christie listens to her. Stryker “What you heard was a scene for a play I wrote many years ago.”
Wallstreet: A likely story!
*Stryker leads Christie into a bedroom as Samantha plots. The killer prepares by sharpening a sickle. Stryker bangs Christie (unseen) and leaves. Samantha is pissed, Christie is sad*
Warlock: Poor baby.
America: What’s her problem?
Warlock: I think he just took advantage of her.
*Christie goes to a small pond to ice skate as Matthew looks on*
Warlock: She’s got a boom box.
*Christie plays a horrible 70’s soft rock song as she figure skates*
Warlock: Why couldn’t have it been “I Was Made For Lovin You”
America: That would have been cool.
Wallstreet: Would have bankrupted the movie paying royalties.
*The boom box is turned off and Christie goes to investigate*
Warlock: Thank you.
*She spots a hand in the ice*
America: The hell?
*Its the doll from earlier*
Warlock: THAT was going to be my vote for best supporting actor.
America: Nope, overruled.
*Christie stands the doll up when a figure behind her slowmotion skates. Someone wearing a mask pulls a sickle out and chases Christie still holding the doll. She screams*
Warlock: Why is she holding the doll? Throw it at her.
*The killer decapitates the doll then stabs Christie. Christie swings the doll at the killer and escapes into the woods. A minute and a half later, the killer finishes the job*
Warlock: Took forever but finally.
*The four remaining actresses wonder where Christie is and Stryker says she left on her own. He got a note under his door. Brooke is skeptical and Samantha storms in. She says she wants the part. Stryker tells her to take center stage. Stryker creepily asks her to be ugly for the group*
Warlock: I know what he means.
*Stryker throws the killer’s mask at her and makes her put it on. Stryker tells her to seduce him without touching or speaking. Stryker rips the mask off and points her face toward a mirror “This is a mask too.”
Warlock: That’s powerful.
*The real killer spots Matthew drinking and driving on a snow mobile*
*Stryker kicks a stool over to Patti. She sits in it. She starts doing her comedy routine and Stryker walks around her. She explains she’s nervous*
Warlock: I think its funny.
*Stryker says she’s talented and she goes on a hellatious rant. After she screams she says “Are you enjoying yourself?” Stryker “I’m enjoying a little bit of Audra.” He walks away, Patti “You bastard.”
Warlock: Nice character development.
*Stryker asks what Samantha is up to and where the mask is. She doesn’t know. Brooke is reading the script when she hears a noise*
America: You maybe next.
Wallstreet: You will be next!
*Brooke surprises herself in the mirror*
*Laurian unbuttons the blouse of Tara, exposes her breast and nervously goes to grope her. Stryker pops up “No no no! You’re a man! Act like one”
Warlock: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I was about to say.
*Brooke goes to put nail polish on but hears a noise. She finds Christie’s head in the toilet and screams. She runs to Stryker, Laurian and Tara. Stryker doesn’t believe her. Stryker opens the toilet and there’s nothing in there.*
Warlock: Ughhh, needs to be cleaned but there’s nothing in there.
*Stryker uses the paranoid Brooke’s vulnerability to get it on with her. Meanwhile Patti and Tara chat amongst themselves about what’s going on*
Warlock: Can we progress the story now?
*Samantha walks in on Stryker smoking in bed next to Brooke*
Warlock: This was before AIDS.
*Samantha has flashbacks of Stryker’s voice and smashes the mirror*
Wallstreet: Oh gosh, seven years bad luck.
*Laurian dances by herself as Tara wanders around. Wallstreet whistles along to the piano theme Laurian is dancing to. She is stabbed and killed by the killer*
America: So much for her.
*Someone walks upstairs carrying a gun. Tara looks around Stryker’s office. Brooke asks Stryker what Audra is like. The gunman shoots both Stryker and Brooke dead, both falling out the window. Tara freaks out and runs outside*
Warlock: That leaves her Patti and Samantha.
*Tara runs to her car covered in snow. She goes to start her car and it won’t start*
Warlock: How unusual.
*Tara shouts for Matthew, the camera shows him stabbed and drowned in the jacuzzi*
Warlock: I don’t think he’s going to help.
America: The suspense is NOT killing me.
*Tara wanders around the shed and finds a movie set. She opens the door of a taxi and it falls off*
America: Good job.
*Tara finds a tombstone with Audra on it*
Wallstreet: Oh its nothing, just a grave with Audra on it.
*Killer jumps out and whiffs on a tackle attempt*
Warlock: Tavon Wilson would have made that one.
*Killer collects itself and continues to stalk Tara. Tara fools the killer by placing her coat on a mannequin. She dropkicks the killer down*
Wallstreet: Its still breathing….its still alive.
America: Should have killed it right there.
*The killer pops up, Tara whacks it a bunch of times with a board*
America: Hacksaw Jim Duggan would be proud.
*Tara wades through a bunch of mannequins hanging by the neck*
Warlock: Why are they all hung?
America: Someone had way too much time on their hands.
*Tara spots the real body of Laurian hanging and makes a run for it*
Warlock: Look, curtains.
Wallstreet: Hence, the name of the movie!
*Tara hides in the air vent and waits for the killer to leave*
America: Not gonna work.
*Tara is dragged into the shaft and hacked to death*
America: Yup, called that one.
*Patti pops the cork on a champagne bottle and is startled by Samantha into dropping the bottle. She pops open another one and they discuss what Audra would have done. Samantha then tells Patti how she got committed and what she learned in there. Samantha says Stryker was fond of disciples. She tells Patti that Stryker is dead. She tells Patti to forget about Audra. Samantha says she killed Stryker. Patti pulls a knife and says the others are dead too. Patti stabs and kills Samantha. Next frame shows Patti as an inmate at the asylum performing as Audra. End credits*
America: You mean to tell me none of that ever happened?
Warlock: Nope. its implied she got locked up for killing everyone.
Wallstreet: At least its over.
Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: This movie should have ended sooner. It dragged too long. 3 out of 10
Mr.America: Ughhh….this was absolutely stupid. I’m gonna go take a number 2, that’s what I think about it.
The Warlock’s assessment: I liked it, it was just too slow. It was a really an hour long movie that got stretched to 89 minutes and the ending was kind of lame. I give it a 4.5 out of 10
Final Grade: 3 out of 10: Garbage
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That could have been great but it was very confusing. All in all it wasn’t too bad but it was horribly paced. That wraps up another craptadtic adventure. Join us next time for the end of the 8 packs.
Wallstreet: I thought this was a four pack.
Warlock: YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN!
Wallstreet: Ok, ok.
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.