*The Warlock is on the right side of the couch reading Mad Magazine. Mr. Wallstreet is on the laptop*
Wallstreet: If you don’t want to start the next 4 pack, we could always watch one of the Reaction and Review movies. You think Emer would mind?
Warlock: More than likely.
Wallstreet: Hold on.
*Wallstreet looks up and down*
Wallstreet: What about Kickassia?
Warlock: Not interested.
Wallstreet: What about Violent Shit?
Warlock: Don’t need any garbage from Germany.
Wallstreet: What about A Serbian Film?
Warlock: Don’t need any garbage from Serbia.
Wallstreet: What about Boku No Pico?
Warlock: HELL no!
Wallstreet: Tokyo Gore Police?
Warlock: Don’t need anything from Japan. We have enough crap in the States.
Wallstreet: Collision Course?
Warlock: Isn’t that the buddy cop movie?
Wallstreet: I don’t know, just reading a list here.
Warlock: Hmmmm, maybe it won’t be so bad. Put it on the list.
Wallstreet: Ordering it now.
*3 days later. The Warlock opens the door to his lair wearing a white t-shirt, sneakers, black leather jacket, gargoyle shades and blue jeans*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock makes the building rumble before walking inside*
Warlock: Tonight we blatantly steal a movie that’s been done someone else. Collision Course was a 1989 Buddy-Cop movie that tried to take Lethal Weapon and Tango & Cash to a new level.
*Mr America is sitting on the left side of the couch wearing standard attire putting the dvd into the player*
Mr. America: But it….failed.
*Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner wearing his standard suit*
Wallstreet: Hey it could be good, you never know.
Warlock: That’s the spirit!
*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s see if Collision Course sucks or not.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A Japanese investigator and a Detroit cop team up to track down a stolen prototype turbocharger.”
America: A what?
*Movie begins with a car crash and opening credits*
America: Boooooo, that was horrible. A sound effect?
*Tony Costas (Jay Leno) drives around and we get an aerial view of Detroit set to Runnin’ by The Whispers*
America: This view SUCKS!
*Costats challenges two black guys (Greg Wayne Elam and Chuck Cooper) to a drag race. Suddenly the cops show up and pull Costas over and not the drag racers. Officer Bell (Sharon O’Brian) asks for his license and registration, he pulls out his badge. He says he’s been working on the bust for months. He then uses detective talk to steal Bell’s phone number. The other officer (Bruce Kirkpatrick) protests*
Warlock: Wow, what an asshole.
*Investigator Fujitsuka Natsuo (Pat Morita) walks into Kitao’s (Soon-Tek Oh) office. Kitao says Oshima (Danny Kamekona) stole a turbocharger in Detroit and Natsuo will go catch him*
Warlock: Hey that’s Danny Kamekona, he and Pat Morita were together in Karate Kid part 2.
*Oshima drives to the docks to find Philip Madras (Chris Sarandon). Kosnic (Randall “Tex” Cobb) headbutts him against a car driven by Scully (Tom Noonan). Kosnic ties up Oshima and Scully says Madras gave him power of attorney*
Warlock: Tom Noonan represent!
*Kosnic punches out Oshima. They lift him up using a crane. Scully says give him the prototype or they drop him. Oshima has a heart attack and dies while in the air. Kosnic “He’s dead.” Scully “Nah he’s playing possum”
Wallstreet: Watch, he pops up and beats the crap out of them.
*Kosnic laughs as Scully figures out he’s dead. Madras shows up and tells them both to shut up. He says to find the prototype or else*
Warlock: Lot of good actors in this.
*A crane dropping Oshima’s car with him inside it drops the car into the crusher. The junkyard worker Mac (Jack Poggi) protests and Scully shoots him with an M-79*
Wallstreet: What the?
Warlock: An M-79, nice!
*We get a montage of Detroit’s street life with Natsuo riding in a taxi cab*
Wallstreet: Must be the red light district.
*Shortcut (Ernie Hudson) leads Costas up the stairs of a tenement building. They barge in on a dude only Shortcut forgot the warrant. The dude says he’s guilty and to arrest him. Costas then pulls out the real warrant and he stops laughing*
Warlock: Hahaha faked him out.
*Homicide detective says Mac was shot with a Gyrojet rocketgun*
Warlock: Now they’re making up shit.
*Dingman (Al Waxman) says Oshima was killed by drunk racist autoworkers but Costas isn’t buying it*
Warlock: That’s lousy detective work.
*Natsuo investigates Oshima’s hotel room and finds a film cannister*
America: I found a clueeeee!
*Natsuo finds the blueprint of the prototype but then hides as Costas runs in to investigate*
*Costas goes to leave then shuts the door. Holds up his gun and catches Natsuo. He turns the lights on and off to annoy Costas*
*Natsuo kicks Costas and runs for it. Costas calls security and tells them to hold anyone that looks different*
America: Wow, my how times have changed.
Wallstreet: Political correctness in the 1980’s was nonexistent.
*Costas rides an elevator as Natsuo rides in the opposite one. Costas welcomes everyone off the elevator as Natsuo is disguised as a garment bag*
Warlock: How could he even see?
America: Who knows.
*Costas kicks a luggage suitcase that latches into the revolving door, trapping Natsuo*
*Costas goes to book Natsuo. Costas goes up to Dingman “Remember the dead Japanese guy we found?” Dingman “Yeah, is this the guy?” Costas “No you pinhead!”
Warlock: Wow…….how stupid can you be?
America: How did he make it through the academy?
*Dingman tells Costas to stay off the case. Lieutenant Ryerson (John Hancock) is intrigued. Ryerson yells at Dingman to question to prisoner. Ryerson says Costas is in Robbery so stick to Robbery. Meanwhile Dingman says he talks some Jap. “Toyota!”
Warlock: They’d never get away with this dialogue now.
*Natsuo identifies himself as a Tokyo police officer. “Read my rips!”
*Dingman brings Natsuo into Ryerson’s office and says Costas just started an international incident. Kitao calls and Dingman says he called Tokyo to confirm the story. Kitao speaks Japanese but Ryerson can’t handle it so he hands the phone to Natso. Kitao shouts in Japanese “STUPID! You were supposed to find Oshima, not get yourself arrested!” Natsuo talks in Japanese and Costas provides subtitles. Ryerson “Will you shut up?”
Wallstreet and Warlock: Hahahahaha
*Kitao orders him to back off and not to tell them anything, Natsuo hangs up on him. Natsuo explains how Oshima embezzled money and Costas insults him. Ryerson throws him out. Costas tells Shortcut to dig up dirt on Oshima and Natsuo. Shortcut says if he gets fired and loses his pension, the wife and kids move in with Costas. Costas says his wife is apiece of ass. Shortcut “A man’s wife is sacred!”
*Costas does a stakeout outside the hotel but is awoke by construction. Costas follows him all over town to a cheesy, catchy 80’s stock music. Natsuo drops off the film canister and is told the pictures wll be ready in an hour. Costas confronts the picture lady and asks for the film and her home phone number. She says the film will be ready in an hour. Natsuo leaves in a purple cab*
America: Yeah that won’t be hard to miss.
*Natsuo notices Costas is following him and leaves the cab and gets in another one*
*Mr Jarryd (Dennis Holahan) says he’s going to mass-produce the Jarryd Starburst. The car of the future is revealed to a round of applause*
*Jarryd sees a picture of an Asian man and says he’ll be out of a job*
*Jarryd confronts Madras who tells him the deal is off because of Oshima’s threat. Jarryd says he can get the police on the phone if Madras to back off. Scully shows up and points a gun at him. Madras says Jarryd is out and he’s just a puppet. Madras says Scully will be watching over him at Jarryd Motors*
Warlock: There’s your movie heels.
*Natsuo is charged 14 dollars by picture lady. He says she has a $15 dollar smile and tells her to keep the change. Meanwhile Costas is disguised behind her and take the pictures. Costas then follows Natsuo to Jarryd Motors. Natsuo rides in on a 4-wheeler as Costas tells the guard (Frank Patton) to let him in. Once inside another guard (Richard Gant) tells him where to look for the secret room*
Warlock: Goes from incompetent guard to George Washington Duke in one year.
*Natsuo uses an old computer to look up the prototype. Costas goes to arrest him and Natsuo says Oshima wasn’t embezzling. Costas says he’ll find the man that shot his friend. While riding, they spot a robbery and Costas cuffs him to the steering wheel as he chases off after the mugger (James E Carter)
America: You lost him, good job.
*Natsuo wipes out the mugger with a trash can lid and cuffs him. Natsuo says they’re partners now. Costas says he’s gone one chance to prove himself*
*Costas and Natsuo share bonding moments with corny jokes while drinking. Natsuo “BANZAI!” Costas “BANZAI!”*
Warlock: This is silly.
*Natsuo “I tell you shit. I tell you ALL the shit”
*Natsuo tells his story but Costas misses it. Costas slaps Natsuo around and asks about Oshima. Natsuo passes out in an old KFC box and Costas can’t wake him.He wakes up on the floor as Natsuo has the whole place tidied up. Costas “Where are we?” Natsuo says Jarryd Motors is the place they need to go. Natsuo says Costas needs a wife and Costas sits him on his lap and says they need to live together first*
Wallstreet: I give you a 5 second headstart!
*Costas and Natsuo drive past run down and blown up buildings and say Detroit’s gone to shit*
Warlock: Sad part is, ITS STILL LIKE THAT. Its been 26 years since the movie came out, all that rubble you see is probably still there.
America: Doesn’t help the city went bankrupt.
*Costas says its the Japenese fault for taking over the auto industry*
Warlock: The aftermath of Gung Ho with Michael Keaton.
*Natsuo “You blame all Japanese for Detroit.” Costas “No, just blame you…and ourselves for getting fat and letting it happen”
Warlock: Good point.
*Natsuo and Costas check out the car expo and get rejected by the car announcer girl (Claudia Abel)*
*Natsuo drops Oshima’s name and Mr. Jarryd acts stunned. Scully shows up and gives Natsuo a purposely hard handshake. Natsuo says “owner of company should not be treated like piece of shit. We should follow tall, skinny fellow* Costas “Where did you pick up that language?”
America: Gee I wonder where.
*Natsuo and Costas follow Scully and Scully spots them. He calls Madras and he tells Scully to play it cool and don’t do anything. Natsuo and Costas follow him to a bowling alley after Scully pulls a u-turn. The bowling alley patrons confront him about the Japanese taking over America. Kosnic starts a brawl*
Warlock: This is highly unentertaining.
*Natsuo is cornered by Kosnic and Natsuo says “Karate!” Kosnic laughs “Karate this” and shoves him into a wooden fence*
Warlock: Daniel-San can’t save him now.
*Natsuo drops bowling ball on Kosnic’s foot and crawls away. Costas “I found the only guy from Japan that doesn’t know karate.” Natsuo “That’s not true. My brother doesn’t know it either.”
*Natsuo is honored that Costas tried to save him. He tells him Oshima stole the turbocharger and wanted to make a deal with Jarryd. Costas calls Shortcut and Shortcut says Sully is bad news and runs a survivalist camp. They find his address and come up to the door. Natsuo loves how the house looks. He asks if they need a warrant and Costas says “No, probable cause.” They barge in and the alarm goes off. Natsuo says they need to hurry before someone calls the cops. Costas says “No, when someone hears an alarm they say “Turn that shit off!” Sure enough, 2 seconds later someone outside shouts “Turn that shit off.” Costas and Natsuo both wave to the irate patron*
Warlock and Wallstreet: Hahahaha
*Natsuo and Costas stumble upon the assault rifle collection. Natsuo “Holy shit-to!”
*Sully drives home and sees the house broken into. Natsuo steals a grenade and Scully calls Madras. Madras tells him to get rid of the murder weapon. Costas finds the gyrojet gun blueprint. Natsuo finds the gun and the ammo. Scully reaches into his trunk and pulls out a bazooka. He blows the house away just as Natsuo and Costas escape just in time. Scully puts on a bulletproof vest and fires an assault shotgun at them. Costas hands the gyrojet to Natsuo and says cover him. Natsuo says they don’t use guns. Costas tags Scully and says he got him. Scully is unfazed*
Warlock: Did he not SEE him wearing a vest?
*Scully chases them onto a train that stops. Natsuo takes the shipping manifest off a nearby crate and wraps it around the grenade. Scully shoots at them with a machine gun. Costas tosses out the gyrojet gun and says he’s got the plans for the turbocharger. Costas takes the pin out and tosses the grenade out. Scully stands over it…KABOOM! Natsuo “Now your friend avenged”
Warlock: So much for Scully.
*Natsuo hits the recall button on Scully’s car phone and finds the number going to the Free Clinic. Costas and Natsuo go to the Free Clinic where Philip Madras is giving a speech, Costas recognizes him. Kosnic spots the duo and they spot him. Costas taunts Madras about his criminal activity until he and Natsuo are hauled off by the cops. Kitao shouts at Natsuo as Costas is relieved of his badge. He tells Ryerson the gun is his. Meanwhile Ryerson has Natsuo arrested. Costas slips Natsuo a key and Dingman hauls Natsuo away. Natsuo says he has to go to the bathroom where he makes his escape. Costas is outside waiting for him. They drive off and Kosnic follows them. Natsuo looks at the pictures and says they’re nothing but family pictures. Then as Natsuo dances on the dance floor at a club, Costas takes a look and spots something. He goes and tells Natsuo that the picture was taken in Detroit, not Tokyo. They go back to the photo lady (Angela Leslie) and they figure out the picture was taken at a local street gang’s hideout. Costas and Natsuo make their way to the hideous. Costas says the prototype is in there. Natsuo says they have probable cause to get into the building*
Warlock: He’s learning.
*Kosnic waits outside and radios Madras. They confront a mechanic (Akira Sana) who tell him Oshima had been there. Meanwhile Madras and his men show up and ask the mechanic where the prototype is. Mechanic says the prototype is in Oshima’s car. Madras goes to shoot the mechanic but Natsuo dumps a cage on him. Costas shoots and kills Kosnic as he and Natsuo take off on a motorbike. A really bad chase scene commences and Madras plows through a fruit stand. They commandeer an old lady’s car*
America: Don’t worry they’re on wholesale.
*Natsuo and Costas drive through a truck and crash*
Warlock: That chase scene ended with a bang.
*Bloodied Natsuo and Costas escape the car but Madras shoots Costas in the leg*
Warlock: They shot Jay Leno!
America: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
*Madras goes to run over Natsuo but he yells screams and dropkicks through the windshield, killing Madras. Costas limps and pulls Natsuo off before the car explodes*
America: Knew that was coming.
Warlock: Anybody got any marshmellows.
*At the hospital, Natsuo says if Jarryd had any values he’d commit suicide. Costas says in America you hire the best lawyer you can find. As a gift, Costas gets a package from Bell. Costas hands it to Natsuo, its the prototype. Costas bows to Natsuo who gives Costas the arm and the elbow*
Warlock: Another catchy tune.
Wallstreet’s assessment: I love this movie! I give it an 8 out of 10
America’s assessment: I’ll give it a 6.5
Warlock’s assessment: I’ll give it a 6. I thought it was going to be worse but it wasn’t. It was incredibly cheesy but it did have a point. The buddy cop thing was played to death at this point.
Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10: Very good
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well I’m pleasantly surprised. I thought it was going to be extra cheesy and silly, and it was but it had good enough moments to make it worth watching. Not the greatest but not the worst either. Well that about wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pl…
*Wallstreet butts in*
Wallstreet: We doing Salo, the 120 days of Sodom?
*Warlock stares blankly at him*
*Wallstreet puts his hands up*
Wallstreet: Ok, ok.
Warlock: *turns to the camera* Have a pleasant evening.