*The Warlock is on a Skype call with The Mysterious Benefactor*
Warlock: We still got one four pack to go but that’s not until Mr. Wallstreet gets back from Florida. We need something for America and I to tie us over.
TMB: I got something for you two, one of my favorites. Also, something you’ve always wanted to see.
Warlock: How do you know that?
TMB: Because I told you about it when we were kids.
Warlock: There were a lot of movies I wanted to see back then.
TMB: Yeah, and this one was tops. I’ll send it to you.
*3 days later The Warlock is standing outside of his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, gargoyle shades, white sneakers and blue jeans. He waits for a package from Darnell the Deliveryman. Darnell shows up and throws it at him in disgust before leaving*
Warlock: Nice to see you too…jerk.
*Warlock walks into his lair, Mr. America is in the recliner wearing his standard attire*
America: Wallstreet’s still in Florida, what are we watching today?
Warlock: Not the next 4 pack. We’ve been sent a movie that supposedly I wanted years ago.
America: What is it?
Warlock: Let’s find out.
*Warlock opens the package, goes bug eyed and drops it on the floor. He collapses next to it*
America: For god’s sake man, it can’t be that bad.
*America gets up and picks up the open package. The movie Arcade comes out*
America: What is this?
Warlock: Arcade…..I don’t believe it….Arcade.
America: What’s so special about this?
Warlock: When I was 7 years old this movie came out and I’ve always wanted to see it. Never got a chance to see it. I’ve been after this for 20 years. Its supposed to be about a video game come to life.
*America puts the DVD into the player then sits back in the recliner. Warlock gathers himself and sits on the right side of the couch*
Warlock: 20 years of hype, let’s see if this delivers.
America: If you say so
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A virtual reality game begins taking over the minds of teenagers.”
America: So like cell phones of today?
*Opening graphic reads Full Moon Entertainment*
Warlock: Hey! Full Moon! We got a chance this won’t suck.
*Opening credits have no music, just strobe effect*
America: That could be a good thing or a bad thing.
*Music sounds demonic. Based on original idea by Charles Band*
Warlock: Ok now we’re getting somewhere.
*Alex (Megan Ward): I never believed in heaven, but I learned to believe in hell when mom sent me there.*
*Mrs Weaver (Dorothy Dells) tells Alex that her grades are slipping and its been a year since her mother passed. It was revealed her mother killed herself*
Warlock: Wow, tough life.
*Alex meets up with Stilts (Seth Green) who says he’s fucked up because he wants to be*
Warlock: Seth Green in the house!
*Alex and her bf Greg (Bryan Dattirlo) share a kiss*
Warlock: So touching.
*Greg and Alex take a polaroid selfie*
Warlock: Selfie of the early 90’s.
*The picture reveal nothing*
Warlock:What the hell?
*Greg, Stilts, Nick (Peter Billingsley) and nerdy turd head off to the boadwark arcade Dante’s Inferno*
Warlock: Better than disco inferno. By the way, that’s Ralphie from A Christmas Story.
America: Oh that’s great its in some weird industrial basement. Good call on Ralphie
*Glasses kid says virtual reality is the wave of the future*
America: You kidding me? Its been 22 years since this movie came out and we’re still way off from that being developed.
*Big tough guy picks on Stilts who’s half his size. Stilts runs into him head first*
America: What did he expect to do with that?
Mr Finster (Don Stark) breaks them apart, slaps Stilts across the face and big tough guy laughs*
Warlock: Its Bob from That 70’s Show
*Big tough guy insults Arcade (Jonathan Fuller) and Mr. Difford (John De Lancie) says “oooh scary”
Warlock: Its Q from Star Trek!
*Difford introduces Arcade and says the crowd is going to be the market research. Nicks asks how Arcade is different. Difford says its secret is the AI. Nick says he’s the best. Nick asks if he dies, is it for real or game? Difford doesn’t answer. He plugs Nick in and its gametime*
America: Oh boy.
*Really bad CGI Arcade face says “I am the future!”
Warlock: Could have had better CGI.
*Laurie (AJ Langer) askd what Arcade is doing. Difford says its memorizing his features. Arcade warns Nick to keep it moving or he sends in the screamer. More bad CGI*
Warlock: Is it like Doom?
America: Kind of.
*Nick gets a rush as a big yellow ball of energy gets him. Nick steps out “You got to try this.” Greg wants next game. Difford “Let’s see if you’re tougher than your friend.” Difford invites the mass to free console versions of the game leaving Greg by himself*
America: Oh they left him alone.
Warlock: Something’s going to screw up.
*Difford says Arcade will be released within the month. Arcade “This is my world, you’re apart of my world. Greg screams and Arcade gets him. “Welcome…Greg.” Alex checks on him and he’s gone*
America: I thought his mind was supposed to be taken over, not fucking take the body over.
*Alex asks Stacy (Alexandria Byrne) where Greg is. She doesn’t know. The others assume he left. Outside Alex is concerned and Nick says everything’s ok.*
Warlock: This is ridiculous, the guy fuckin disappeared.
*Alex goes home*
Warlock: That’s actually a nice car.
*Alex’s father Burt (Todd Starks) is passed out on the couch. She asked if Greg called, he groggily says no*
Warlock: Real winner that one.
*Alex looks at her picture collage of herself and her mother (Sharon Farrell) before calling Greg*
America: So this is supposed to be top of the line home gaming console, it looks like its inside a shoebox. No plastic wrap, no great logo. Just wow..
Warlock: Its a prototype.
America: So? It still should have protection. It explains why its trying to kill people, it arrives broke!
*Alex plugs in and Arcade says Greg is in there and he won Greg’s soul. He challenges Alex to join them. In game world,the players wear all black with black helmets. She lasts about 30 seconds before she quits and Arcade taunts her. Its now past midnight even though she plugged in 5 minutes ago. She calls Greg;s house and his mom says he’s not home. Arcade says he’s never coming home. She calls Nick and he says its her problem. Arcade “He’s in here bitch!”
Warlock: So far Arcade is the best character in the movie.
*Alex pulls the plug on the game and hears her mom’s voice. She walks to Nick’s house who’s plugged in and playing Arcade. She climbs through the window. Nick says he can feel life as Alex is scared about Greg. Alex “Something’s happened to him”
Warlock: Nooooooo, really?
*Nick reluctantly shuts the game off. Alex says Arcade said her name and that Greg was in there. Nick doesn’t believe her.*
Warlock: They never believe it.
*Nick calls Alex paranoid and Alex says he’s just like her father. Alex says the game is alive but Nick is skeptical. Alex says to call Stilts before she leaves. He gets a busy signal*
*Laurie also has a bus signal. Alex says to try the nerdy turd named Benz (Brandon Rane) also a busy signal. Alex wonders how all 3 of them could be busy. Nick is still skeptical*
Warlock: He’ll find out shortly.
*Next morning Stilts and Nick have locker room talk before Alex shows up. Greg, Benz and Laurie are nowhere to be found. Big tough guy is named DeLoache (BJ Barie) and he’s gone too. Alex says they need to find everyone. Nick is still skeptical. Nick and Alex says they’ll look for them as Stilts taunts them. Tells Stilts not to watch any tv*
America: Hey that’s a very valid question, but I have the shoot first and ask questions later approach when it comes to monsters.
*Nick pulls up to Laurie’s house and tells Alex to wait there, Alex refuses. Nobody answers the door so they go around back*
America: Hey you forgot your sunglasses!
*Nick and Alex make it around back*
America: You are so lucky they don’t have a mean dog.
*Laurie is in front of the static tv. Alex smashes the window with a stick*
Warlock: Oh beautiful, breaking and entering.
*Nick asks “What the fuck?” as Laurie is all fucked up. Alex goes to shut the game off and Laurie freaks completely out. Alex sees Greg in the TV and Arcade taunts him. Nick sees it too. “Alex if you don’t play the game by my rules, I’ll come play in your world.”
Warlock: Now you get it Nick?
*Laurie has somewhat of an orgasm as a weird bright light knocks her down. A weird wind pushes Alex and Nick out the door*
Warlock: Nobody in the neighborhood sees this?
*Nick takes a coatrack and smashes the tv with it. Laurie speaks in Arcade’s voice and then drops. Nick says to split and Alex says not without Laurie. They turn around and she’s gone*
America: Good job, now they have kidnapping and breaking and entering.
*Alex says they need to go find whoever designed the game. They find Difford’s office. The receptionist (David Sederholm) stonewalls them but Nick threatens with a juicy lawwsuit and the receptionist tells Difford to get out there now*
Warlock: Love how the game developers are conveniently in town and not in Japan or the other side of the country.
*Difford comes out and Alex says the game is possessed. He brings the duo into his office. He says lets go meet the developer, Albert (Norbert Weisser). He’s just as insane as Laurie was. Difford leaves as Albert asks what’s wrong. Albert lets it slip that the game changes the rules. Albert takes them inside the game and how its played. Alex asks how to beat it and Albert says you need the 6 keys to open Arcade’s heart to escape his brain. Albert says no one’s been able to do it. Albert says you can’t stop the screamer, if he gets you…you’re dead*
Warlock: Awww, isn’t that too bad?
*Albert tells them how to play the game. Albert says he programmed it using human brain cells. Alex says that’s how it came alive. Nick says they’re going to beat it. Albert says its just a game, just push the escape button. Alex “What if the escape button doesn’t work?”
Warlock: Yeah, valid question.
*Alex asks where Nick where he wants to play the game, he doesn’t answer*
America: She’s talking to you Nick!
*Nick says Dante’s Inferno. That’s where it started and that’s where it will end*
Warlock: Cheesy but at least its consistent.
*Nick tries to start it, it won’t work. Alex “Is it plugged in?”
Warlock: Yeah that might help.
*Nick puts money in for himself, Alex says she wants to play too. Nick says she needs to run”
America: Either she’s really crappy and a human shield, or she’s good and ya beat the game. Either way you can’t lose.
*Arcade taunts Alex using her past to taunt her. They enter the game slowly*
America: Get up, you’re wasting time!
*Nick and Alex walk along slowly*
America: They’re taking a lot longer than 55 seconds.
*Nick and Alex find the green key*
Warlock: That was too easy.
*Nick opens the door and it leads outside. Alex says press on. Really bad CGI pyramids show up. Nick spots the yellow light and runs. He’s bleeding for real. Suddenly Benz screams for help in an open construction site*
Warlock: That looks like the abandoned construction site from Dollman.
America: You maybe right actually
*Benz sinks in a hole when Alex could have easily saved him*
Warlock: What was that, she had him?
*Alex spots her mother and then a giant CGI monster “kills” Nick. She drops down the hole Benz sank in. Meanwhile in the real world Albert has saved Nick. Nick tells Albert to get Alex out of there and he says he can’t, she’s on her own*
Warlock: Here you go America, she’s gonna have to win it.
*Laurie and Stilts are the boatmen. They tell her a riddle*
America: This is so stupid.
*Alex outsmarts Stilts and gets the key to level 3. Alex asks Laurie what happened and she breaks character to say she lost. Meanwhile and absolutely random young boy (Humberto Ortiz) shows up and Alex gets a free life for saving him. They enter the city of the truth*
Warlock: That was ridiculous.
*Alex “There’s a monster here, we’re gonna have to kill him before we leave.”
Warlock: Good grief
*Level 5 has a big, bad CGI chase scene leading to Alex getting to level 6 with the kid. She shouts where Arcade is and the boy turns into him. Nick “Jesus christ the kid is Arcade. Albert, do something you asshole!” Arcade reveals the little boy was the donor that donated his brain cells after his mother murdered him. Arcade was created out of that and now Alex’s soul is his. She grabs the mechanical heart and she gets shocked*
Warlock: How shocking.
*Alex wakes up wearing all white in her house*
Warlock: Something’s up.
*Alex walks up to her mother who’s alive*
America: Remember? Final level is real world?
*Alex says she had the worst nightmare and says she dreamt she was dead. Mom says she is. She then shoots herself in the head and comes back to life to say she’s going to take Alex to heaven. Alex is shot in the head and Arcade says “Game over, you failed!” Arcade taunts Alex until Alex uses the free life she had picked up when she got zapped. Arcade screams “Nooo! I play by my rules.” Alex throws the mechanical heart into Arcade which apparently destroys him. Alex wakes up and Nick, Albert, Greg are there. She hugs Greg. Stilts, Laurie and Benz leave with them as well. Greg asks Alex how she did it. Nick says it a long story. Alex asks if they all made it out, maybe Arcade did too. They walk off as Albert stands and ponders*
Warlock: This can’t be the end…something’s gonna happen.
*Greg drops Alex off at her house. She turns and sees Arcade standing there. “Right here bitch! Kiss reality goodbye!”
America’s assessment: I’ll give it a 4. It actually had an interesting and cohesive plot.
Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 5. A list actors saved it from being a complete turd. Technology wasn’t there just yet.
Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10: Below Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: 20 years of hype does not deliver. It had the actors, it had the plot but the technology wasn’t there yet. Charles Band was onto something but he was 6 years too soon. Still, the movie isn’t a waste of time and it does have its moments.
America: If that’s what you waited 20 years for, you have some seriously bad taste in movies.
Warlock: Who asked you? Anyway that about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Hopefully next time will be good. Have a pleasant evening.