69. Elf (2003)

Elf 2003 720p BluRay DTS x264-ESiR

*When we last left off The Warlock had been visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future. He got a grim view of what his future looked like if he didn’t change his ways.  Dressed as Scrooge himself, he hopped into his car and was on his way to see Neyzor Blades. He pulls up outside her residence in his 1958 Plymouth Fury and runs out. Hes wearing a black, buttoned trench coat, scarf, dress pants, dress shoes and a large top hat. He’s also carring a cane. He walks up to the door smiling and knocks on the door. He changes his expression when she opens it.

Warlock: Neyz I demand to be let in!

Neyz: Go away Warlock I don’t need your bullshit today. Its Christmas.

*Warlock giggles then turns serious*

Warlock: Now see here young lady. You will open this door at once!

Neyz: Oh for the love of…

*Neyz appears in the doorway in her pajamas and her jaw drops when she sees him*

Neyz: What the hell are you wearing?

Warlock: That’s not important. Can I come in?

Neyz: You look ridiculous, sure, why not.

*Neyz allows Warlock inside. He enters Neyz’ residence removes his scarf and top hat and smiles while walking behind her. She turns and his face grows serious*

Warlock: Now hear this. On this spirited day I say we shall watch a movie together.

Neyz: Fine! If it’ll get you to leave me alone I’ll watch your damn movie.

Warlock: Splendid! Now I demand you to put in Elf immediately!

Neyz: Oh I demand you to kiss my…wait, what?

Warlock: You heard me. Put in Elf immediately!

Neyz: Did you just say…

*Warlock cracks a smile and holds up the Elf dvd*

Warlock: Yes…Merry Christmas my dear.

*He opens his arms and she hugs him close*

Neyz: Oh honey. I thought you didn’t care.

Warlock: Let’s just say I had an….interesting night to say the least. Anyway lets snuggles.

*Neyz puts the dvd in her player as Warlock sheds his coat, hat, cane and scard as they cram onto her couch. He holds her close as she pushes play*

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “After inadvertently wreaking havoc on the elf community due to his ungainly size, a man raised as an elf at the North Pole is sent to the U.S. in search of his true identity”

Neyz: Sounds like my life.

 

*Movie opens with Papa Elf (Bob Newhart) says we don’t know a lot about elves*

Warlock: Good call Bob.

 

*Elves set tree on fire and make toys*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahaha

 

*Papa Elf “They tried using gnomes and trolls but the gnomes drank too much and the trolls weren’t toilet trained*

Warlock: Bahahahaha

 

*Papa Elf says 30 years ago the story began. Opening credits*

Warlock: Cuts off the run time, good.

 

*Nun puts baby Buddy in his crib when Santa (Ed Asner) shows up*

Warlock: Heyyyyy Ed Asner!

Neyz: Who?

Warlock: Nevermind.

 

*Elves dance around like morons as Santa says they’ve had a successful year. Santa notices one of the babies from the orphanage had escaped his crib and snuck in his sack. Santa left Papa Elf with the task of raising Buddy (Will Ferrell).  Buddy towers over everyone in Elf class*

Neyz: That’s like me in class. I’m taller than everyone.

 

*Papa Elf says less people believe in Santa because the rumor is the parents put the presents under the tree. Papa shows off the Kringle 3000 super sleigh*

Warlock: I’ll drive that.

 

*Papa says Buddy had some drawbacks as a human being in an Elf’s world. Ming Ming (Peter Billingsley) tells him he’s over 900 short on making Etch and Sketch’s. Ming Ming tells him he’s special and Buddy goes sad face. Next frame has him opening Jack in the Box’s*

Neyz: That’s your job, quality control.

Warlock: I wonder if Jack Attack is in there?

 

 

*Buddy overhears Ming Ming saying he’s a human. He has a nightmare montage before running outside to cgi snowflakes*

Warlock: Look at the cgi snowflakes.

Neyz: He could use some cgi snowflakes here.

 

*Buddy retreats to the toilet where Papa tells him to come out. Papa tells him his father Walter (James Caan) gave him up when his mother Susan (Jane Bradbury) passed away. He tells Buddy his father lives in NYC. He runs into Leon the Snowman (Leon Redbone)*

Warlock: That’s Leon Redbone…..Walking Stick.

Neyz: I thought it was Burl Ives.

Warlock: Yeah, 40 years ago.

 

*Santa tells Buddy not to go to peep shows in New York City*

Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Santa tells Buddy that Walter is on the naughty list*

Neyz: An asshole!

 

*Papa Elf wishes Buddy well on his journey to New York*

Neyz: Awww he’s sad.

 

*Buddy walks through central park and a raccoon hisses at him before jumping on him*

Warlock: They that aggressive?

 

*Montage of Buddy dressed as an Elf  walking around New York. He sees a sign on the door that says “world’s greatest cup of coffee”, runs into the coffee shop and congratulates the confused staff*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Buddy runs in a circle around a revolving door then pukes in a nearby garbage can*

Warlock: We’ve all done that before.

 

*Walter works in the Empire State Building*

Warlock: Yeah, sure.

 

*A gentleman gets in an elevator and Buddy presses all the buttons*

Warlock: Poor guy.

 

*Buddy walks in and tells the secretary he’s here to see Walter. She lets him in and he says “DAD!” Walter naturally shrugs him off*

Warlock: Yeah this is going to end well.

 

*Buddy mentions his mother was Susan Welles and Walter has him thrown out of the building*

Warlock: Jerk

 

*Buddy is run over by a taxi on his way to Gimbel’s*

Neyz: They don’t stop for shit in New York

Warlock: No they don’t, I’ve been there.

 

*Buddy is confused by an escalator and shouts at someone in a bathroom stall*

Warlock: Some people don’t like that.

 

*Gimbel’s Manager (Faizon Love) mistakes Buddy for an employee. The Manager says Santa will be here and Buddy shouts in excitement*

Warlock: Hahahaha

Neyz: That’s Lady T in a nutshell.

 

*Buddy meets Jovie (Zooey Deschanel) who blows him off*

Warlock: She’s the only actress I know who is cast as someone who hates everybody in all her movies.

 

*The lights go off in Gimbels and Buddy spends the whole night turning the place into a Christmas wonderland*

Warlock: I like the jazz soundtrack.

 

*Walter’s wife Emily (Mary Steenburgen) and son Michael (Daniel Tay) ask what’s wrong with him. Walter goes to his room and looks at his old yearbooks of him and Susan*

Warlock: Good development.

 

*Buddy hears Jovie singing in the shower and Buddy joins in. Jovie yellsat him*

Neyz and Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Walter walks by Gimbel’s and sees Buddy sleeping in the window*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Buddy is thrown out of the building by the security team as Gimbel’s Manager is shocked at what Buddy did*

Warlock: Haha!

 

*Jovie says she was here early because her water got shut off. Buddy says he was here all night setting up. Manager is ecstatic and Buddy tells Jovie she has the most beautiful singing voice*

 

*Gimbel’s Santa (Artie Lang) waves to the crowd but Buddy quickly recognizes that he’s not the real Santa. He sits a kid on his lap and Buddy says not to trust him because he’s a liar*

Warlock: LIAR!

 

*Buddy rips off his beard and he gets tackled and wrestled to the ground as the kids scream. Artie chases Buddy around until he’s tackled by the Manager*

Warlock: He was an offensive lineman in The Replacements

 

*Walter opens a box from Buddy and is confused when he sees the negligee Buddy got him*

Warlock: Everytime I see James Caan open a package, all I think about is The Godfather. If only Tessio was over his shoulder saying Santa Clause sleeps with the penguins.

 

*Secretary barges in and says the police are on line one. We cut to jail where Buddy sits by himself. Walter bails him out and Buddy is ecstatic. Walter thinks its a set up and Buddy plays it off as genuine. They go see a doctor (Jon Favreau) and Buddy eats cotton balls*

Neyz: He’s so weird.

Warlock: Heh, Jon directed this movie. He was in The Replacements too.

 

*Buddy takes a blood test. Then he sits outside and eats cotton with another kid. The doctor comes out and says Buddy IS his son.  Walter can’t believe it. Doctor tells him he should take him home.  Emily is supportive but Walter says he thinks he’s an elf. Buddy has the place decorated and then has a very awkward dinner with Emily, Walter and Michael. Walter looks peeved*

Warlock: Look at James Caan’s face! Baaaahhahahahaa.

 

*Emily says he should stay permanently and Walter doesn’t want him too. Buddy belches for a good 20 seconds and Michael calls him weird. Later on Buddy wants Walter to tuck him in. He says he loves him and Walter doesn’t say it back. Next morning he makes Emily spaghetti and maple syrup for breakfast. Walter tells him he needs a new outfit and Buddy strips right in front of Emily. She screams*

Warlock: I’d scream too.

 

*Buddy calls Walter and then eats a bowl of a sugar concoction*

Warlock: Just looking at that makes me want to take an insulin shot.

 

*Fulton (Michael Lerner) walks in and says the book that Walter foolishly published with no ending tanked badly and he wants a new book by Christmas Eve*

Warlock: That’s what he gets for publishing an unfinished book.

 

*Buddy chases Michael home from school and annoys the crap out of him*

Neyz: Haha

 

*Michael and Buddy are ambushed by a horde of snowball throwing thugs. Buddy then fast motion machine guns snowballs at the thugs until they all scatter. Michael “Where did you say you were from?”

Warlock: Straight Outta North Pole.

 

*Michael says Walter only cares about money, not them or anyone else. Michael and Buddy hit up Gimbel’s wear he sees Jovie. Michael tells him to ask him out*

Warlock: Sad part is he’s getting love advice from a kid.

 

*The Manager is now playing Santa. He asks Jovie out and she says she just had her lunch break but she’s free on Thursday. Buddy celebrates and then sets up a massive Christmas tree that doesn’t fit. Walter “What the hell’s that?”

Warlock: Andre the Giant’s Christmas tree.

 

*Emily “They were just having fun.” Walter “Felony is fun.”  Emily then confronts Walter about his neglect of Michael and he brushes it off. Emily convinces Walter to take Buddy to work with him. Next morning Walter shows up with Buddy dressed in the exact same suit he is*

Warlock: How is he wearing the exact same suit? He’s a good 5 inches taller than him. Walter’s clothes wouldn’t fit!

Neyz: Its only a movie.

 

*Buddy says hi to Fransisco (Oscar Goncalves) and Sarah. Deborah the secretary (Amy Sedaris) smiles at him. Buddy sips coffee and doesn’t like it. Buddy annoys Walter who then convinces him to go visit the mailroom. The mailroom is a decrepit factory and Buddy doesn’t like it*

Warlock: Yeah, looks about right.

 

*Walter is convinced by Morris (Andy Richter) and Eugene (Kyle Gass) to have Miles Finch (Peter Dinklage) write his next book*

 

*Buddy  drinks Irish coffee with his new friend (Mark Acheson) he meets in the mailroom and philosophizes about life. They have a tickle fight until we cut to Walter’s office. Miles asks for a private limo to take him to the office tomorrow. Meanwhile in the mailroom Buddy is table dancing to Whoomp Der It Is by Tag Team*

Warlock: Woomp der it is!!!

 

*Warlock gets up and starts dancing, Neyz facepalms*

Neyz: Staaaaaaaap it!

 

*Buddy and Jovie go on their date, Buddy is dressed in a coat and tie. He takes her for the “world’s best cup of coffee”, running in the revolving door and looks at the Christmas tree in Rockefeller center*

Warlock: Didn’t we just see that tree?

Neyz: No, what do you mean?

Warlock: Yeah, we….wait…..oh yeah. Yeah you’re right.

Neyz: You’re weird.

 

*Buddy and Jovie kiss as Miles Finch makes his appearance in Walter’s office. Miles takes the bribe Walter hands him and they talk business. Eugene and others pitch really stupid ideas but Miles cut them off. Before Miles can give his idea, Buddy runs in and says he’s in love. Buddy “I didn’t know we had elves working here.” Miles “Hey jackweed, I get more action in a week than you do in your life.” Buddy calls him elf and Miles gets enraged and beats him up. Miles walks out and Walter screams at Buddy to get out of his life. Buddy leaves dejected*

Neyz: That’s so mean.

 

*Eugene and Morris find Miles’ notebook that he left behind and tell Walter that they should use his idea for a book. Walter tells them to hop to it. Meanwhile a sad Buddy leaves a sad note as he runs away*

Neyz: Awwww

 

*Back in Fulton’s office, Walter is in a meeting trying to pitch the idea to Fulton. Michael runs in and says Buddy is gone and Walter has to choose between his job and his son. Walter says “Up yours” and double fist bumps Michael. Fulton screams at him that he’s finished”

Neyz: Nnnnennn?

Warlock: Huh?

 

*Walter and Michael look for Buddy as Santa comes to visit Buddy from the North Pole. Michael spots the sleigh as Buddy meets Santa in Central Park. Santa says his sleigh broke down and he needs Buddy’s help. All of a sudden we cut to Jovie watching the news and sees Buddy in his elf suit. She gets up and leaves as Buddy and Walter stumble upon Santa’s engine. Buddy runs up and Michael hugs him. Walter apologizes for being a jerk and doesn’t want him to leave. Buddy hugs him and brings the two to Santa’s sleigh. Buddy installs the engine back as Walter and Michael are dumbstruck. Michael asks if Santa is the real Santa and Santa points out the gift he wanted. The sleigh begins to raise and Santa says his sleigh flies on Christmas spirit. Michael says to get cameras in here and Santa says if the world saw him, the spirit and legend would be ruined. All of a sudden Santa spots the central park Rangers on their way. Walter comes up with a plan to disguise himself as Santa so the real one can get away. Michael then runs off with Santa’s book and tells the camera crew what kids want for Christmas. The sleigh begins to raise but Buddy can’t finish. Jovie and Emily find Michael and Walter. Buddy is in the back of Santa’s sleigh as he rides away from the Rangers. Buddy asks why they are chasing them. Santa “I put them on the naughty list, they’ve never forgiven me”

Warlock: Heh! They’re still on it.

 

*Jovie starts singing to try to inspire the crowd. Nobody moves until Emily starts singing badly. Michael joins in and finally the crowd joins in*

Neyz: None of them can sing.

 

*Buddy gets the engine going and Santa makes it in the air. Suddenly the engine blows and they crash. Suddenly the entire NYC sings and the sleigh rises again in front of the singing crowd. Buddy waves to Emily and rides back to the North Pole with Santa. We get an overlap of what happens after. Walter opened his own publishing firm and his first book was written by Buddy, an autobiography of sorts. Buddy and Jovie bring their newborn baby to Papa Elf as Leon Redbone sings*

Neyz: This guy…

 

*End credits*

 

 

Neyzor Blades’ assessment: Its alright. It was good. 7 out of 10

Warlock’s assessment: Cheesy, corny, silly, sometimes funny. Love Peter Dinklage, love James Caan. I give it a 6 out of 10. Its more of a kids movie

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10, very good.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was decent. It was a kids movie so I can’t judge it as I normally would. Its worth a look if you get a chance to see it. Its nothing compared to Home Alone or Miracle on 34th Street but what the hell, it doesn’t suck. Well that about wraps up another….

*Neyz cuts him off*

Neyz: Aren’t you forgetting something?

Warlock: Oh yes.

*Warlock opens his arms*

Warlock: God bless us…everyone.

Neyz: No not that. I see you brought a second dvd.

Warlock: Oh yes, now that Elf is over I thought we could watch…*holds up the dvd box*…Santa’s Slay!

Neyz: What?? You promised we didn’t have to!

Warlock:……I LIED!!!!!

*Neyz starts cursing and whacking him with his own cane as he laughs and looks at the camera*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening and a Merry Christmas!

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