68. Home Alone 3 (1997)

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*When we last left off, The Warlock had been visited by the Ghost of Christmas Present. He was shown by Ghost how everyone was better off without him and showed him the life he and Neyzor Blades could have had had he not wasted time, money and years on garbage movies. He’s back to reality wearing ridiculous, white 19th century tent pajamas and a white sleeping cap. He’s got an incoming Skype call*

Warlock: Now what?

*Warlock answers the call. Its the Mysterious Benefactor wearing a legimately cool 16th century cape, cloak, hood and demonic looking spiked shoulder pads*

Warlock: You?

TMB: Shut up and listen. I’m the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Warlock: You though?

TMB: Were you expecting Lady T?

Warlock: Good point, what do you want?

TMB: I’m here to show you what the future holds if you keep watching shitty movies.

Warlock: I’m gonna stop you right there. If you’re going to lead me to my own grave, it won’t work. Everybody dies eventually and you of all people know I’m not afraid of death.

TMB: Just shut the fuck up!

*Warlock goes quiet*

TMB: That’s not what I’m going to show you. I’m going to show you something much worse.

Warlock: You mean Wallstreet, America and the others full of pain and suffering?

TMB: The opposite actually. They go on to lead happy lives without you. No, asshole, this is YOUR future. Go press play on your dvd player.

*Warlock gets up and goes to turn the tv on and hit the play button*

Warlock: Unlike those two bozos I’m not gonna flap my arms like an idiot.

*Warlock turns the tv on and presses play on the player. An outside shot of the lair is on screen only the place is in shambles. Front porch destroyed, gutters hanging off, paint dissipating. A haggard looking Warlock walks out. His hair is unwashed and filthy, his beard is frizzy and unkempt. His white tshirt is ripped and stained, his jacket is gone. His shades are missing a lens and his jeans look like they haven’t been cleaned in months. His shoes are tattered. Present Warlock is shocked*

Warlock: What…the FUCK…is THAT?

TMB: That…is your future. After driving away all your friends and loved ones, you live alone and abandoned. Watching shitty movies for a rapidly dwindling audience. Without Wallstreet and America, the fans left in droves. You said you’re not afraid of death, I give you a fate worse than death.

Warlock: Wait, I’m not even old. I expected this to be the future future.

TMB: That’s the point. At the rate you’re going it won’t take that long for you to reach this point.

Warlock: At least Christine looks pristine in my driveway.

TMB: Of course. You barely leave the house. You’re not driving her around to fuck it up.

*Future Warlock opens his arms on screen*

Warlock: Welcone to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock musters a meek flash in his palm before it quickly flames out. Present Warlock shakes his head watching*

Warlock: I cant even do THAT?

TMB: Shut up and watch.

*Future Warlock enters the dilapidated lair. All the walls are bare except for odd cracks and bullet holes. All the memorabilia and good furnature are gone. The carpet is gone. His entire movie collection is gone as well except for a small cupboard. Theres empty pizza boxes and soda cans everywhere. He goes to his nearly bare cupboard and pulls out a movie*

Warlock: Tonights film I will sell after watching, is Home Alone 3. For some reason the major domos decided a third movie was in order without featuring anyone in the original two movies. The results are…well…lets find out.*

*Future Warlock trudges through the trash to the dvd player as Present Warlock looks on*

Warlock: Give me a break. Im not going to be THAT desperate for money. I sold the rug too? It can’t be that I sell everything off…right?

*TMB doesnt answer. Future Warlock presses play and sits in a cheap ass plastic chair in front of the tv.*

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Alex Pruitt, a young boy of nine living in Chicago, fend off thieves who seek a top-secret chip in his toy car to support a North Korean terrorist organization’s next deed”

Warlock: John Hughes wrote this? It sounds terrible!

 

*Movie opens with the Home Alone theme and the opening credits*

Warlock: Well at least it has this.

 

*We get a graphic of Hong Kong. The mob boss (James Saito) says the chip is worth 5 million dollars. Petr Beaupre (Olek Krupa) asks why the large price and the boss says whoever controls the chip could control China*

Warlock: Wow, talk about a difference from the first two movies.

 

*Cooper hands Petr the chip and walks off with his money. Petr has Alice Ribbons (Rya Kihlstedt) to hide it in an RC car*

Warlock: Yeah, no one will ever expect to look in there.

 

*Petr, Alice Ribbons, Burton Jernigan (Lenny von Dohlen) and Earl Unger (David Thornton) walking though the San Fransisco airport*

Warlock: Look at these bad hombres. Where’s Dirty Harry when you need him?

 

*Alice drops the bag off into baggage check. Once they get to the other side, a woman takes the bag as an identical bag comes out. Alice picks up the wrong bag as the quartet walks out. They walk 10 feet before Alice realizes they have the wrong bag*

Warlock: They’re smarter than I thought. They got 10 feet before realizing it. Marv and Harry would have been long gone.

 

*The quartet figure the bag has gone to Chicago. Unger is pissed*

Warlock: Sucks for you buddy.

 

*Alice spots the lady carrying the bag but they can’t catch her as she leaves in a taxi*

Warlock: This seems very cheesy.

 

*Jernigan takes a photo of the cab’s license. They wait outside Taxi Service to interrogate the cab driver*

Warlock: Ok, this is gonna piss me off. These guys look like high tech trained armed robbers, not the garden variety burglars from the first two movies. Part of the charm of Marv and Harry were the fact they were dumb and had great back and forth chemistry. These guys have all the personality of a trout so far and you mean to tell me a child is going to outsmart them? I’m 8 minutes into the movie and I’m already dreading the next hour and 34 minutes.

 

*The cab driver (Richard Hamilton) tells the crooks where he dropped off Mrs Hess (Marian Seldes), what the house looked like and there was no snow on the ground. We cut to 8 year old Alex Pruitt (Alex Linz) shoveling Mrs Hess walkway and getting yelled at for not doing it sooner. She says she doesn’t want to be known as someone who stiffs people on jobs so she hands him the RC car. She said she left her bread at the airport and brought this home instead*

Warlock: Don’t you love getting expensive gifts instead of 5 dollars for a shovel job?

 

*As soon as Alex leaves, the crooks pulls up and says there are 14 houses on the block that all look alike. Petr says they’ll check all of them during the day because no one is home during the day. Next scene shows Alex using technology to feed his fish*

Warlock: At least they’re explaining he’s a little Doc Brown.

 

*Alex looks at himself in the mirror and sees a red spot on his head. He then pulls up his shirt and he has red spots all over him*

Warlock: Oh sure, now FOUR high tech burglars are going to be foiled by a kid with Chicken Pox?

 

*Karen Pruitt (Havliand Morris) complaining about working weekends. Jack Pruitt (Kevin Kilner) is doing the same. Alex strips down on his way up the stairs and we’re introduced to his sister Molly (Scarlett Johansson) and brother Stan (Seth Smith). Molly is writing test answers on her shoes and Stan squishes Alex’ pet mantis with a basketball as his parrot (Darren T Knaus) tells him not to*

Warlock: Not exactly Buzz and the tarantula. By the way Black Widow is a CHEATER!

 

*Alex screams and everyone makes fun of him when its revealed he has chicken pox. He chills with his mouse Doris as everyone else has to leave for school and work the next day except Karen*

Warlock: They’re trying to set him up as the black sheep but I don’t even think Kevin McCallister’s relatives would have been THAT viscous if Kevin had the chicken pox.’

 

*Alex in bed pulls out a real looking gun that shoots darts. His mother comes upstairs and Alex uses the RC car to tell her to fetch him some juice*

Warlock: What a wuss. When I had the chicken pox I played a little league game two days after I found out.

 

*Alice in disguise buys a house on the street where Alex and Mrs. Hess live*

Warlock: So these crooks are loaded too. Again, zero charm coming after the first two movies.

 

*Alex uses his scientific skills to shut Mrs Hess tv off and then change the channel to a Jamie Foxx music video. Meanwhile Petr pulls up and his crew is scoping out the houses. Unger steals someone’s dog*

Warlock: What a heel….a dog thief.

 

*Karen gets called into work and tells her boss to stick it for making her come in with a sick child at home*

Warlock: Alright, there’s some compassion. I can build on that.

 

*Karen says goodbye to Alex who blows the plot by saying crooks can hit during the day*

Warlock: Wow, and John Hughes wrote that?

 

*Petr uses gadget technology to break into a house. Kevin uses his telescope to spot Alice walking the dog. Alex brings his telescope to the attic where he sports one of the crooks in a jogging suit checking the places out.  Alex spots Petr robbing a house across the street. Alex quickly runs and calls the cops*

Warlock: Yeah, watch, now no one will be there and it’ll establish him as the boy who cried wolf.

 

*The crooks make their getaway as Karen comes back home. Soon after the police arrive. Alex says he knew something was afoot when he saw the woman with Johnny Allen’s dog. The police kick the door in and only a dog greets them*

Warlock: Ha…ha

 

*The cop tells Alex false alarms are no joking matter and Alex says he saw the driver, the lookout and the van but no one believes him*

Warlock: The Ice Cream Man Police would put out an APB on the van, the dog and anyone in a jogging outfit.

 

*Karen yells at him that she has to replace the door and Alex stands his ground. Meanwhile in some sort of headquarters, Agent Stuckey (Christopher Curry) and the feds identify the four crooks and say they have got to find the chip. Meanwhile the crooks figure out someone had them made and they have to find out who it was. Next day the father has to leave before his mom. He almost walks out with no pants on*

Warlock: Alex should have let him just walk out like that.

 

*Unger hobbles around outside disguised badly as an old man. Alex spots him and shuts the attic windows. Mrs. Hess leaves her house and Alex spots Alice jogging by. He then notices Petr in the Hess house. He runs and calls the cops. Repeat 5 minutes ago only this time Petr is still in the house. The cops literally smash all the doors off the hinges as Petr hides in the woodwork.  Another false alarm and this time the police captain (Baxter Harris) has to tell Alex not to call the cops anymore.*

Warlock: See, what did I tell ya.

 

*The brother and sister taunt Alex mercilessly as he goes to his room.  He ignores them and Alex ponders what the crooks’ pattern is and what they’re looking for. Alex says he’s on his own to catch the crooks since no one believes him. Next say Karen nearly runs over Alice jogging with Johnny Allen’s dog. Alex then sets up a command center in the attic as the crooks strike on day 3. Alex uses the RC car with a camcorder attached to catch the crooks in the act. Both Unger and Alice spot the rc car. Alex uses the car to bag Petr in the act. Petr sneaks up on the car and scares Alex off his stool. Petr says he’s being spotted and his team freaks out. Petr knocks laundry on the car and Alex quickly uses his long range tv remote to turn the tv on. Then he uses the parrot to leave a voicemail*

Warlock: The animals in this movie are out-acting the humans.

 

*The parrot sings Bad Bad Leroy Brown as the car makes its getaway only it crashes outside the house. Mrs. Hess spots Unger disguised as the old man running and Jernigan slips on ice, crashing into a shed. Petr grabs the car and the camcorder. The others join him. Petr says he’ll deal with the woman in the house and tells Alice to get the chip and go*

Warlock: Wonderful, the movie is over. They have the chip, now scram! Vamoose!

 

*Alice picks up the car and Alex floors it, knocking Alice over and hightailing it away. Petr pulls a gun on the answering machine. Unger and Jernigan scramble to get the car. Unger jumps and slides on the mud but can’t catch the car*

Warlock: He’s out sliding into home.

 

*Jernigan goes to run over the RC car and misses it completely. Alice and Petr run into each other as Jernigan speeds around the neighborhood. He crashes into Unger and he calls Jernigan a nitwit*

Warlock: I would ask why nobody sees him, but there’s no one home.

 

*Alex flies the car over Jernigan’s head and it comes back to Alex. Back in Alex’s room, he finds the camcorder has no tape. He wonders why they’re still after the car when he opens up the car and the chip falls out. He takes a magnifying glass to the chip. He calls the army recruiting station and tells the recruiter the serial number on the chip so he can call someone who knows about it. Meanwhile the crooks lick their wounds and watch film from the tape. They passive aggressively insult each other*

Warlock: Once again, they have all the personality of a trout.

 

*Alice says it has to be a kid and Petr says the Pruitt house is at the center of it. The mob boss calls Petr and says if they don’t get the chip within 24 hours, the crew is dead meat. At the Pruitt dinner, Karen gets a call from Alice disguised as a neighbor and she unknowingly gives his position away. Alex tries to stop the call and tell his mom but no one believes him. Later on in his bed, he says he’s gonna have to fight them off. He gives a speech to himself*

Warlock: CHEESY!

 

*We get a montage set to Oingo Boingo of Alex setting traps and such to use the next day. The parrot demands two crackers as a bribe*

Warlock: There ya go Mysterious Benefactor, there’s your damn Oingo Boingo.

 

*Petr watches the weather channel and a huge snowstorm is expected to hit soon. Alex tucks his sleeping mom in as Alice walks the stolen dog the following day*

Warlock: How cheesy.

 

*Alex blows a dog whistle to distract the dog. Alex says he has to free the hostages. Alex continues using the dog whistle and eventually the dog wraps up Alice and drags her 30 feet through the bushes. The dog runs back to Alex and Alex sets him free. Alice bends over and rips her pants*

Warlock: Finally something good.

 

*Agent Stuckey gets a call from the recruiting station about the chip and says they’re on their way to Chicago. Meanwhile Alex has to rewire one of his traps when it almost decks his mother. Karen says Mrs Clovis was supposed to drop by, Alex says he let her have it*

Warlock: The one time I’ve chuckled this whole movie.

 

*Karen blows a kiss to Alex as she heads to work. Alex says its just him and Doris now when Parrot says “Let’s get ready to rumble!”

Warlock: An 8 year old with the chicken pox, a rat and a parrot against four highly trained criminals……riiiiight.

 

*Another montage of Alex setting up traps in the snow with really bad 90’s rock*

Warlock: Ugh, late 90’s kiddy rock. I hated it then and I hate it now.

 

*Karen calls Mrs. Hess to check on Alex and she says fine but no cooking. Hess complains to have to baby-sit and Petr/Alice confronts her. Alice brings Mrs. Hess into her house and closes the door, Hess is scared*

Warlock: Well that takes care of her.

 

*Unger and Jernigan both get electrocuted, Unger rips his pants as well*

Warlock: So silly…not as funny as the Marv skeleton

 

*Unger slides on the marble mat and goes face first into the door. Unger nonchalantly tells Petr the place is booby trapped. Petr spots a dumbbell trap and cuts the chord, the hope chest falls out the window and takes them both out. Meanwhile Alice ties up Mrs Hess and leaves the door open*

Warlock: Hess would have joined them.

 

*Jernigan wakes up and walks into a fish-hook and the dumbbell comes down and wipes out Petr and Unger again. Petr organizes a plan, they’ll go through all four sides of the house. Alex’s traps beat them up again and again. Unger gags*

Warlock: The second time I’ve chuckled.

 

*Jernigan gets cut up with a lawnmower, only his hair is cut*

Warlock: That’s bullshit, that would have killed him and tore his face to bits.

 

*Petr enters the house with a shotgun and opens the closet only for the boxing glove to nail him in the gonads. He lands ass first on the shotgun and it goes off*

Warlock: Got it in both ends.

 

*Unger enters the house through the window and gets stuck in glue. Jernigan uses a ladder to get to the attack but he falls through the floor and lands on a portopotty*

Warlock: Gross.

 

*Petr gets up and HIS pants are ripped as well*

Warlock: The writer has a thing for ripped pants apparently.

 

*Alice cartwheels onto the back porch only to fall through the hole. Petr lands on top of her and his gun goes off. Unger’s gun goes off and the septic tank empties on his head. The four regroup in the basement and laugh at each other*

Warlock: I’ve chuckled a third time.

 

*The phone goes off and they all pull their guns. Alex tells his mom not to come home and the crooks hear him. Petr calls him a brave little fellow as he grabs the spray painted dart gun instead of his real gun. Alex retreats upstairs and unleashes Doris. The crooks follow and Unger figures he’s in the closet. Unger opens the door and nothing is in there. Alex is hiding in the bag of laundry in the door*

Warlock: The bag would have ripped.

 

*Agent Stuckey and the police ransack the local school looking for Alex. He tells Karen, Stan and Molly that Alex is in trouble. Suddenly Stan and Molly turn face and demand Stuckey tell them what’s going on. Stuckey spills the beans*

Warlock: Oh yeah, NOW they turn face? Give me a break.

 

*Parrot is singing in the shower and Unger follows the sound. Jernigan and Alice follow a lead into Molly’s room. Doris enters the crotch of Jernigan’s ripped suit. Unger finds the naked lady poster in the shower and the Parrot lands on Unger’s gun. Meanwhile Alice spots Doris in the crotchhole and tells Jernigan not to move. They repeat the tarantula scene from the first movie only Alice nails Jernigan in the gonads*

Warlock: Bahahaha, finally I laughed.

 

*Parrot tells Alex to run for it as he packs up Doris. Unger makes a beeline for him but is wiped out by Alice. Jernigan “You smacked my winkie”

Warlock: TERRIBLE dialogue.

 

*Alice and Jernigan head to the attic as Alex throws the real gun in the trash. Alex runs out of the house and insults the team. Alex holds up the chip and Alice tells both Unger and Jernigan to jump off the trampoline. They jump right through it and land in the pool below. They’re frozen. Meanwhile Alice gets in the dumbwaiter and falls all the way to the concrete floor. Meanwhile Alex wakes up Mrs. Hess and puts his little jacket on her to keep him warm. Alex spots the windows open and Petr sneaks up on him. Petr rips the car apart and tells Alex to give him the chip.  Petr pulls out the dart gun and Alex says that’s not his gun. Petr shoots the dart onto a mirror. Alex pulls out another gun and says THIS is his gun. Petr runs away and Alex shoots bubbles out of it*

Warlock: Clever

 

*Alex leads Mrs. Hess into her house. Alex calls her a pretty tough old bird and she calls him a sweet young man. Meanwhile the feds show up in squad cars and snowplows which wipes out Petr’s van. Karen and the kids get home as well. The cops find Unger and Jernigan and tell them to freeze. Unger “You gotta be kidding me” Alex runs into Karen’s arms. Stan and Molly call him a hero. Alex hands the chip to Agent Stuckey and says Petr got away. Stuckey says he’s been after Petr for years.  The cops haul off Alice, Jernigan and Unger as Petr is hiding in a a nearby igloo. Parrot shows up on the rc car and taunts Petr before lighting the fireworks*

Warlock: We’re supposed to believe a parrot is that smart and he didn’t die in that?

 

*Jack arrives home as Mrs Hess said she had the chicken pox when Herbert Hoover was in the white house. Jack brings him an RC car as the crooks all get their mugshots taken, they all have the chicken pox. End credits*

Warlock: Thank god its over.

 

Warlock’s assessment: That was a piece of garbage. The soundtrack was weak, the bandits had zero personality, the traps were elaborate but after two movies, they get old real quick. The dialogue was corny and it didn’t have the same feel as the first two movies. We’re supposed to believe an 8 year old could defeat 4 smart crooks rather than 2 dumb burglars? Give me a break. I give this pile a 4 out of 10

Final Grade: 4 out of 10: Bad

 

*Warlock stands from the chair and arches his aching back*

Warlock: Well that about wraps up another craptastic adventure…possibly my last adventure. Unless you folks can help me out. Buy this movie off me please? 10 dollars, how cheap is that? No? How about 5 bucks? 3 bucks..A DOLLAR! Anything will do!

*Future Warlock continues to ramble as the room fades to black. When the lights resume Present Warlock shakes his head*

Warlock: Alright alright, you convinced me. No more shitty movies. Ok? Ok?

*Warlock looks around. Hes not in the lair he knew but the dilapidated one on TV. He’s no longer dressed in the ridiculous pajamas but is now looking like the homeless version he saw of himself. He kicks the plastic chair in front of the tv and it snaps in half*

Warlock: No…..NOOOOO…NOOOOOOOOOO!! This can’t be. Tell me its not true! I can’t go out like this!

*TMB laughs on the laptop on the kitchen table*

Warlock: Shut up…Shut Up! SHUT UPPP!!

*Warlock goes to shoot a fireball at the computer but only a small flicker emerges*

TMB: Lose something Warlock?

*Warlock holds his head with both hands* NEYZ IM SORRY! WALLSTREET! AMERICA! LADY T..I’M SO SORRY!  Dont let me end up like this…dont..dont…

*Warlock sobs and falls to the floor, hitting his head. He opens his eyes and he sees the carpet. He jumps up in his bedroom surprised and happy. He’s dressed in the t-shirt and Celtics pajamas he originally went to bed in. He jumps for joy as his bed is normal. He runs out to the viewing room and everything is in place. All the pictures, furnature, memorabilia and extensive movie collection is intact. He runs around the room yelling*

Warlock: Yes! Yes! I’M BACK!  I’m not a homeless bum! Its Christmas morning! I didn’t miss it! Wait…it is Christmas right?

*Warlock frantically skype calls Dr Taylor Ahern and asks if its Christmas morning. Taylor answers and says yes, the sharks are hibernating. Warlock hangs up and runs in a circle celebrating. He then stops*

Warlock: Oh my god…Neyz. I have to see her. Its not too late.

*Warlock runs to his bedroom where an outfit is hanging on a coathanger outside the closet. Warlock looks at it*

Warlock: You gotta be fuckin kidding me.

*There’s a note on the clothes that says “You’re welcome. TMB” Warlock shakes his head*

Warlock: Oh well.

*Next frame shows Warlock dressed in a black trench coat, scarf, dress pants, black socks and dress shoes. Hes wearing a large top hat and has a cane in his hand*

Warlock: Alright, time to see Neyz.

*He grabs the dvd Elf off his shelf and a second movie then runs out the door. He hops in his red 1958 Plymouth Fury, starts it up and drives away*

 

TO BE CONCLUDED

 

 

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