*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, gargoyle shades, white t-shirt, sneakers and blue jeans. He’s holding a cheeseburger sub*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock takes a bite out of his sub and gives a thumbs up before walking inside*
Warlock: Movie number 4 in our four/eight pack is FEEDING GROUNDS. You guys hungry?
*Mr. America is on the left side of the couch wearing standard attire. He’s holding a bacon cheeseburger*
America: Way ahead of you.
*Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner wearing a yellow Zuit suit, red tie, brown shoes and is reading USA Today*
Wallstreet: No thanks, I’m good.
Warlock: Wussy. Anyway let’s not waste time shall we?
*Warlock sits on the right side of the couch*
Warlock: Let’s turn this place into FEEDING GROUNDS!
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A young group of friends head out to a cabin in the desert. Something has landed in the desert and it needs to eat.”
America: Didn’t we just see this shit the other day?
*Movie begins with a bowl of beans on the grounf*
Warlock: We’re 5 seconds into the movie and the bowl of beans is already the best supporting actor.
America: HARDLY! What’s it going to support? All its going to do is sit there and stink out the place.
*Cowboy Hat dude stands against a dude’s car. One of the girls pulls a knife on the guy and tells him to screw*
America: The guy’s a douche but pulling a knife on him is a little harsh.
*The two girls are driving and the camera shows a book The Book of Lesbian Sexuality.*
Warlock: Well that answers that.
*The two girls pull over. Knife girl is named Rachel (Rebecca Gannon). Tanktop girl is named Cameron (Estrella Tamez) and she proposes to her. Rachel screams yes*
Warlock: Normally this would be romantic.
*Rachel and Cameron get it on in the desert*
Warlock: Once again, like The Craving, we forgo legit character development for straight up sex.
*Later on during the night Rachel and Cameron scream at each other. Rachel is in serious pain but then Cameron is too. Both of them pull over and puke*
Wallstreet: This is hot….
*Cowboy Guy shows up and all we hear are slurping sounds as the opening credits roll*
Wallstreet: This is terrible already.
*Police Sarge yells at his Deputy. Both of them come off as assholes*
Warlock: Nope, don’t care about either of these guys.
*Sarge steals the wedding ring as he investigates the SUV. Deputy asks if he searched the area. Sarge says he’ll do it again. He puts his hand to his head and looks around*
Wallstreet: Ok he redeemed himself.
*Cops drive away*
Warlock: That’s awful police work
Wallstreet: Awful acting.
*Stoner Guy, Tough Dude and Other Guy wonder where Marcus (Jamie Gannon) is with a really really bad cover of Jet’s Are You Gonna Be My Girl playing*
Warlock: Jet should sue.
*Stoner Guy checks the oil on the car in a really bad Mexican accent. Tough Guy says Stephano (Alex Ballar) better deliver some hotties or else*
Warlock: Get your own women then.
*Stephano and Leather Jacket Guy show up. Tough Guy is named Odus (Rudy Makupson) Stoner Guy thanks Odus and Odus flips him off*
Wallstreet: Look at all the trash. These guys are pigs.
*Odus looks at a picture of a girl while Leather Jacket Guy tosses and turns in the front seat. Stephano has black fingernail paint*
Warlock: Can we get some development or some jokes please?
*Blonde girl introduces Cindy (Candise Lakota) Mary (Kiralee Hayashi) and her cousin Rhonda (Kathryn Ely). Stoner Guy is named Jay (Philip Ferenchick). Leather Jacket Dude is Marcus.*
Warlock: Finally getting some names.
*Marcus is passed out on a slide. Cindy kicks him awake and he calls her a stupid bitch. He recognizes her from his youth. He asks her what she’s doing out here and she says she wants to be an actress*
Warlock: Now the movie writer is starting to get it. Give us a reason to care.
*Mary calls her sister and tells her to get out of the cabin. Meanwhile Jay counts four cars on the side of the road with no one in them. They pull up to a sign that says Doom Desert*
Wallstreet: Yeah let’s go there.
Warlock: Hey you, google maps.
Warlock: Well we’re waiting.
Wallstreet: No, there’s no Doom Desert.
*Blonde girl screams and says she saw a lizard. Mary goes on a National Geographic rant to scare her. Meanwhile Rhonda looks like she’s trying to fur trap it*
Warlock: I think I got the names mixed up.
*Marcus, Stephano, Blonde Girl and Cindy get stoned together as something growls behind them*
Warlock: Nobody hears that behind them?
*Jay and Rhonda/Mary talk to each other in the car until Stephano cock blocks him. Stephano offers a joint to Odus, he refuses*
Warlock: So he doesn’t smoke?
*Something slurps as Marcus and Cindy walk and talk together*
Warlock: At least they’re attempting to develop.
*Marcus says he’s always wanted to get with Cindy. They share a kiss*
Warlco: Awww isn’t that sweet.
*Marcus says he has enough acid to make them laugh their asses off*
*Rhonda walks up to Odus and says “Don’t worry, I don’t like you.” Odus “Good because I don’t give out mercy fucks anymore.” Mary/Rhonda says her cousin uses her. Odus says he’s a deadbeat dad and it sucks. His ex girlfriends moving back to Australia with his daughter the following day*
Warlock: See! THAT’S how you do it. You create character to garner sympathy. Finally the writers are getting it.
*Rhonda looks at the picture of Odus’ daughter and says she’s adorable. All of a sudden Rhonda/Mary check out a huge pile of dung and wonder what animal left it*
Warlock: Can’t be good.
*Mary does cartwheels by herself. Suddenly Cindy and Marcus are “infected” while tripping on acid*
Warlock: There’s your first victims.
*Mary walks around and screams. Stephano, Jay and Blonde Girl find an ear. Jay stops Stephano from poking it with a stick*
Wallstreet: This is ridiculous.
*Mary says they need to get out of there*
America: Yayyyy, smartest character in the movie.
*Jay tells everyone to get in the cars, he’ll find Marcus and Cindy. Jay runs up and finds them as the camera shows a human nose in a pile of dung*
*Jay carries Marcus to the guys car, Cindy goes back with the girls. The plan is go to the cabin and call the police*
Warlock: Sounds like a plan.
America: What do you really think?
Warlock: They’re fucked.
*The unknown creature hides under Jay’s car as the two cars leave. Marcus and Cindy are tripping as Mary still berates them. Jay tries to tell her not to reason with someone in their condition, but she presses on*
Warlock: Good grief.
*In car number two, Rhonda complains of her neck hurting. Odus is passed out. Blonde Girl and Stephano are in the back. The two cars pull over*
America: Maybe…you’re lost!
*Odus insults Marcus as Cindy tells them to stop. Odus calls him a junkie and he’ll always be one. Marcus says he just stepped over the line and its go time*
Warlock: Yeah fight, yeah yeah fight!
*After the brawl is broken up, its revealed the four of them were in a band until Marcus moved on with a better band. Odus claimed Marcus ruined it for them. Rhonda films it all. Cindy complains of a stomach pain as Odus takes a walk*
America: Where are these people going?
*By process of elimination, Blonde Girl is Britney (Joy Gray). Cindy does a 90 second long interpretive dance*
Warlock: Cut down the run time.
America: Is interpretive dance hour over yet?
*Odus gets pissed off the finds a bunch of human remains. Suddenly the whole group finds the remains*
Wallstreet: Whatever it is, it must burrow.
*Camera focuses on an ear*
Warlock: Hey did you hear that?
*Rhonda takes pictures of the remains*
America: Enough with the camera!
Warlock: Hey now, she’s doing CSI’s job.
*The two groups get in their cars and drive away*
Warlock: Well at least they’re doing the right thing by getting out of there.
*We get really random, and unnecessary radio commentary*
Warlock: You know, instead of this worthless crap, you can show the two groups discussing the situation.
*Mary asks if Jay is ok*
Warlock: They just found a bunch of dead bodies, what do you think he’s gonna say?
*Jay and Stephano get out. Jay’s car died. Mary notices a car up ahead. She says maybe there’s still gas in it*
*Stephano complains that he’s getting a fever, Jay says he is too. A sick looking Odus and Rhonda open the hood and find goop everywhere*
Warlock: Everybody is infected. So wait, this outer space alien infects everyone with an airborne virus?
America: No I think the thing stung them all to infect them.
*Odus pulls up and says he fixed it, the ignition fuse was busted. Odus cuts the fuel line of the abandoned car and uses water bottles to bottle up the fuel*
Warlock: That was a brilliant move.
*Everyone starts getting mad at each other*
Wallstreet: They’re becoming rabid.
*Cindy barfs everywhere. Mary says to get her to a hospital*
Warlock: She’s the only smart one.
*The two cars drive until nightfall*
Warlock: 31 minutes left and we have a body count of ZERO since the opening scene.
*Stephano notices Marcus looking near death. The next morning they pull over*
Warlock: Weren’t they supposed to be going to a cabin?
*All eight get out of their cars looking like shit. Rhonda’s car won’t start. Odus attacks Jay. Cindy looks like zombie. Britney says they’re going to find keys. Marcus looks like a zombie too*
America: They’re having a lot more than a bad trip right now.
*Marcus spots the creature but Stephano doesn’t see it. Meanwhile everyone searches for the keys Jay threw away. Cindy hears the slurping*
Warlock: Can someone die already?
*Something pounds on Rhonda’s car. We cut away to Marcus noticing there’s no one in Rhonda’s car. He staggers over and finds something but doesn’t say anything at first. He calls over everyone and collapses. He’s holding Cindy’s scalp. Marcus is unresponsive. Britney goes to Rhonda’s car and Cindy is gone. Odus leaves Marcus’ body and Marcus is dragged away. Mary is the only one unaffected*
Warlock: Hey wait, Mary is the only one who doesn’t look like shit.
*Stephano hugs Britney to the ground as Jay asks why Mary isn’t sick. She says “They know I won’t eat them.”
*Odus and Rhonda share bonding moments*
Warlock: This movie is so schizophenic.
*Stephano waves to Britney and Jay says they need to stay together. Britney says the aliens are after them. Stephano grabs a tire iron and demands Britney get out of the car. Britney “They got you.” Mary says “Hey guys, the more you fight, the quicker they’ll come”
*Stephano: “I see you, I see you, I see you!”
America: We see you too.
*Stephano pukes up green shit and runs away. Jay goes to run after him but Odus holds him back saying he’s already dead*
America: Are we going to see these aliens at any point in time?
Warlock: We got 18 minutes.
*Odus, Rhonda, Britney, Jay and Mary cram into one car and sit there. Jay starts twitching around as something lands on the roof of their car. Jay opens the door and pukes everywhere. He runs away as well. Mary gets out of the car and looks around. Jay sits by himself and Mary finds him. They cry in each others arms. Jay “I really like you. I’m not a vegan. I only said that because I wanted you to like you.” He confesses his sins*
America: Sob sob sob…boohoo
Warlock: This movie is TRYING to be good but its holding itself back.
*Mary leaves Jay just sitting there. He gets up, throws his hat down and walks away. He then takes his shirt off as Mary walks away. He then strips to his underwear and screams*
America: What are you doing?
*Jay collapses as a huge growl is heard*
*Odus pulls Mary up but Rhonda says the car won’t protect them. Finally they hear a loud growl. Mary walks off, Odus takes off after her. Britney won’t let Rhonda back in*
Warlock: What, did she lock them all out as soon as they left?
*Mary, Odus and Rhonda walk off leaving Britney in the car. At nightfall, Odus hits thr ground. Odus and Rhonda see a light. Mary says its their cars. They walked in a circle*
Warlock: Sucks to be them right now.
*Britney by herself is being stalked by something outside the car. We catch a glimpse of the alien. It has one big eyeball and mouth full of sharp teeth*
Warlock: Only took this long to reveal itself.
Wallstreet: Its time.
*Britney says hi to the alien*
America: Are you seriously saying hi to these things?
*Britney invites the alien in and it attacks. Odus and Rhonda hear a noise and start crying*
America: Damn she’s dumb.
Warlock: 8 minutes, we’re almost there.
*Rhonda pukes as clumsy editing reveals city lights in the background*
Wallstreet: Heh, you can see the city in the background.
*Rhonda walks away an then screams “Noooooooo”. Odus laughs and coughs. Mary picks up Odus who spots another pile of dung. Odus starts freaking completely out. He says when he went hunting with his dad, his dad rubbed shit on him and said it would mask his scent*
Warlock: I see where they’re going with this.
*Mary looks away, when she looks back, Odus is gone*
Warlock: What the hell?
America: *sings* Allll byyyy myyyysellfffffff
*Car headlights are turned on. Mary spots the creature and we fade to black*
Warlock: No big fight?
*The two cops Rob (Chic Daniel) and Ernest (Marcus O’Leary) find the two cars. Ernest speaks the wrong police code*
America: That is not the finetic alphabet asshole!
*Camera shows a human nose*
Warlock: You smell that?
*Mary pops up out of a pile of dung and says “Got anything to drink?”
Warlock: Yup, that’s what I thought.
Wallstreet: Oh gosh, thank you.
Wallstreet: It took two people to write a terrible script.
Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: A very disappointing movie. Terrible script, they even screwed up the credits as the music just cut off. 2 out of 10
Mr. America’s assessment: We clinched a playoff spot, I could care less about the movie. 2 out of 10
The Warlock’s assessment: Ugh, this movie reminds me of Legion of the Dead. There were elements I liked and you can see where the movie tried to be good but too much was holding it back. The editing was lousy, some of the script was garbage but for the most part everyone did their best with what they were given. It tried to be good but ultimately failed. 4 out of 10
Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Train Wreck
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well I just lost my appetite. That movie could have been good but bad writing, editing and certain parts ruined it.
*Warlock throws his sub in the trash*
America: Yeah really, this movie was so bad I need mouthwash.
*America puts down his cheeseburger. He and Warlock walk out*
Wallstreet: Mind if I eat?
*Wallstreet pulls out a PBJ from his coat pocket*
Wallstreet: Have a pleasant evening.