60. Hell’s Highway (2002)

Hell-Highway-2001-1

*The Warlock, Mr. America and Mr. Wallstreet are driving down a dark highway in the dead of the night. The Warlock is driving his 1958 Plymouth Fury, Mr. America rides shotgun with Wallstreet crammed in the middle. Highway to Hell by AC/DC is on the radio*

Wallstreet: Exactly why are we all the way out here?

Warlock: To meet an old friend.

America: Don’t worry, I came prepared.

*America is in his standard attire and he pulls out his carbine rifle. He locks and loads it*

Warlock: That’s really not going to help.

*Wallstreet is in his standard suit*

Wallstreet: I don’t like it. Who are we meeting out here in this wasteland?

Warlock: I’ll show you.

*Warlock pulls over, turns off the radio, reaches under his seat and pulls out a portable dvd player*

America: What’s with that?

Warlock: Wallstreet keeps asking so I may as well tell you. We’re on a very particular highway right now featured in the movie I have loaded here.

Wallstreet: What movie?

Warlock: Hell’s Highway.

Wallstreet: Wait…what?

*Warlock presses the play button*

America: I got a bad feeling about this.

Warlock: Movie number 3 out of our 4 pack.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A sexy homicidal hitchhicker, calling herself Lucinda, commits acts of gory mayhem against unsuspecting people who pick her up off the road to help her out”

America: *sighs*

Wallstreet: This is ridiculous

 

*Movie opens with Lucinda (Phoebe Dollar) telling a story with a camera recording scenery as a car moves. Apparently Lucinda made a deal with the devil. Opening credits*

Warlock: I can tell right now this is not going to be filmed or lit well.

America: What kind of story was that?

 

*Camera shows Man driving and it comes close*

America: Camera guy look out!

Warlock: *Makes crash noises*

 

*Airplane flies by*

America: *Hops out of his seat* C-5! It has a military airplane in it, automatically better than the last movoe!”

Warlock: Get a hold of yourself.

 

*Man covers up a knife as he pulls over to pick up Lucinda. She asks to hitch a ride, he says get in. She wants to go to the nearest gas station. The boom mic picks up feedback*

America: Is he eating the mic?

Warlock: Whoever edited this did a HORRIBLE job.

 

*She takes a swig of water and she runs away coughing. He brings his knife with him as he walks after her.  He stabs her in the stomach, she bleeds and spits out fake blood. He kills her*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Man puts collar on (Joe Haggerty), he’s a preacher. He then buries Lucinda*

America: Unless they give a valid reason why he did it, this is a really bad priest.

Warlock: Well it was implied that she was a demon. Plus she drank holy water and gagged.

 

*Preacher hears Lucinda’s voice saying time to die. He takes his glasses off. Lucinda then pops up wearing face paint and bashes Preacher’s head in*

Warlock: So instead of special effects that would make her look like a cool demon, she’s wearing facepaint. KISS looks more demonic than she does. This movie blows already.

 

*Hat Guy is filming the road trip he and his friends are on. He introduces Monique (Beverly Lynne) who exposes her breasts*

Warlock: Ok this is not the worst movie of all time.

America: Told you it was better than the last one.

Warlock: I don’t think so.

 

*The driver is Chris (Jonathan Gray)*

America: Hi Chris!

 

*Chris chugs a beer as we hear train alarm bells but there’s no tracks in sight*

Warlock: There were no tracks.

 

*Hat Guy introduces his girl Sarah (Kiren David). They film each other kissing. Chris wants more beer*

Warlock: These characters suck.

America: Pretty sure something else will kill these guys.

 

*Chris spots Lucinda hitchhiking and Hat Guy wants to pick her up. Both Monique and Sarah say hell no*

Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

America: “That’s how horror movies start. Let’s not pick her up”

Wallstreet: “I guess you’re right, let’s keep going”

All 3 of them: THE END!

 

*The car pulls over and run over flowers in the process. Lucinda piles in. Monique empties out a trash bag on roadside crosses*

America: What class acts we have here.

Wallstreet: Have some respect!!!

 

*Lucinda wants something to drink. She starts sensually rubbing a beer bottle on herself. Chris and Hat Guy watch, Sarah slaps Hat Guy*

America: They had to drag the scene out that long? Needless!

 

*Sarah spots Preacher’s car and Lucinda tells them to step on it and drop her off at the next gas station. She wants a hit of the marijuana pipe*

Warlock: Pretty weak high.

 

*Someone ask what is with all the crosses on the road. Lucinda says this is The Devil’s Highway because of all the fatalities on this road.  She tells a story of how the pioneers got trapped and turned to cannibalism. Native Americans are convinced there’s an angry spirit and won’t go near it. Lucinda calls it her home*

America: So they name it the Devil’s Highway. People get trapped and turned to cannibalism. There’s death, destruction and mayhem…..and they throw in an angry spirit?

Warlock: How much more shit can we pile on here?

 

*Hat Guy: “I wanna know how much booze and drugs we can consume”

Warlock: This dialogue is TERRIBLE.

 

*Chris asks if Ralph (Brian C Donnelly) is the biggest dork she’s ever seen. Lucinda says Ralph never made it to the beach because she killed them. Chris “Yeah, she killed them.” Lucinda “Some of them didn’t die right away. I tortured them for hours.” Lucinda “Now its your turn to die.” Chris, Sarah and Monique try to kick her out but she pulls out a six shooter and holds it to Sarah. She tells Chris to keep driving. She fires 3 slugs into the front seat, missing Monique by an inch. Lucinda says she wants more crosses for the road. She then licks her hand and starts fingering Sarah*

Warlock: This…would be erotic….as a snuff film.

 

*Lucinda “I’m gonna shove this gun up your pussy and pull the trigger*

Warlock: Wow…..

 

*Hat Guy grabs the gun, wrestles it from her and tosses her out of the car. Chris floors it. “So long bitch!”

Warlock: Now if this was filmed better, that scene would have been cool.

 

*Monique yells at Chris for picking her up. Meanwhile Lucinda gets up and walks away. Suddenly the car pulls over by train tracks. The four get out of the car*

Warlock: I’d keep driving if I were them.

 

*Hat Guy is named Eric (Hank Horner). Chris asks if Lucinda really did kill his brother. They pull over and call the police. Suddenly Sarah has a dream of Lucinda raping her*

Warlock: Like I said, if this was edited better it would work.

 

*Jack (Ron Jeremy) picks up Lucinda. Apparently Sarah is telepathically linked*

Warlock: It really is Ron Jeremy.

 

*Jack says he’s in the movie business and its filled with scum. Lucinda asks if she could be a star. Jack chuckles and says he has a part she could be perfect for. She gives him a handjob*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*She pulls her knife and cuts his dick off. She grabs his wallet and bails from the car. Jack plows into a gas station. We get stock footage from another movie of a gas station blowing up*

Warlock: Once again, badly edited but would have been cool.

 

*Sarah tells Chris to pull over. She runs away with the others following her. She finds a camcorder on a rock. Its Ralph’s camcorder*

America: Let me guess, its a video of them dying.

 

*Sarah asks if Lucinda really did kill them. Chris gets a page from his brother. Sarah says it could be Lucinda with Ralph’s phone*

Warlock: Wow this movie is old.

 

*Eric says they’re going to have fun*

America: No you’re not!

 

*Lucinda does indeed have Ralph’s phone and she stalks the quartet. Scene shifts to nightfall. Chris says instead of staying in a motel they should camp out on the highway*

Warlock: Yeah great logic, you narrowly escape the demented bitch and now you want to camp out and give her a chance to catch you?

 

*Chris uses a chainsaw to cut a piece of wood*

Warlock: Where’d he get the chainsaw?

 

*Sarah asks if he’s going to cut down the whole forest*

America: WHAT? They’re in the desert! What forest???

 

*Eric tries to mack on Sarah but she rejects him*

Warlock: She was just raped dude, what’s the matter with you?

Wallstreet: He sucks with a chainsaw.

 

*Chris brings the chainsaw into his tent. Monique tells him to get rid of it*

Warlock: The chainsaw is going to win Best Supporting Actor

America: What? No!

Warlock: You got an alternative?

America: Yeah, the log that beat the chainsaw since it didn’t break.

Warlock: Good point. The log it is.

 

*Useless sex scene between Chris and Monique as Eric and Sarah remain dormant. Monique can’t get a rise out of Chris because he’s worried about his brother. Monique tells him that Sarah is freaked out and not to worry about her. Meanwhile Eric and Sarah hear them as the others act terribly*

Warlock: That’s terrible.

 

*Chris finds his brother’s camera, Monique tells him to put it down and get busy. He resumes plowing her doggy style but they show zero emotion*

Warlock: This is almost as bad as Capitol Conspiracy.

America: Badly acted, but at least he’s actually fucking her.

 

*Sarah wakes up in front of the fire*

Warlock: Wait a minute, there was no fire earlier.

 

*Sarah picks up a lantern and sees a figure through the haze. She hears moaning. A demon (Brandon Ellison) pops up and wrestles with her. A really bad claymation bat opens its arms as Sarah wakes up*

Warlock: Oh boy, tentacle porn.

America: I told you, a nightmare.

 

*Eric asks Sarah if she’s alright. She apologizes for the night before. They spot a hitchhiker and ask if they should pick her up. Sarah freaks out because its Lucinda. Lucinda pulls out a knife and throws it, the CGI shows it hurling through the air and hitting Monique’s seat*

Warlock: WOAH WOAH WOAH! The car was coming staight at her, there’s no way she got it through the window where she was standing. She’d need Magneto metal movement to make it curve.

 

*Lucinda grabs a shovel and runs toward the car. Chris floors it and runs Lucinda over, spilling her body parts everywhere*

Warlock: Now that was cool.

 

*Eric tells Chris to move the body off the road. Chris asks why. Eric says a truck may flatten her. Chris “Good”

Warlock: Yeah really.

 

*Chris says to get out of there. Eric pulls out two cellphones from Lucinda’s pockets and puts them in his pocket. They all get back in the car and drive off, pulling Lucinda’s intestines and dragging the top half of her headless corpse*

Warlock: That is actually a cool, gory graphic.

America: I’m waiting for a Statey to show up and pull them over.

 

*Monique spots Lucinda’s head and screams. The head falls and is crushed by the car, the intestine snaps off and the torso goes flying. Monique is splattered with blood*

Warlock: Once again, cool.

 

*Chris and Eric argue about what to do next. Sarah and Monique say let’s go home, Chris says to move on. Eric pulls out Ralph’s cell phone and says Chris’ brother is dead.  Eric hits redial and we get a close up of Chris’ face and then pager*

Warlock: This is not a western.

America: Yeah, there’s no duel with cells and beepers.

 

*We get an uneccesary shot of a cgi satelite MST3K style to drag the scene out as Chris’ beeper goes off*

Warlock: They did that just to drag the scene out since the run time is 70 minutes.

 

*Eric argues that Lucinda had the batteries to the video camera and the cell phone. They watch the tape*

Warlock: Wonderful.

 

*Ralph and Sharon introduce Carla (Jennifer) and Julie (Jackie Johnson). The four of them walk along the highway. The quartet sits around a lantern and Sharon wants a resurrection. They call for the demon that caused all this mayhem. Suddenly Lucinda appears and shoots everyone but Julie dead. Finally Julie is shot dead. Lucinda tells the story of how a pioneer killed himself to save his wife. The wife prayed for the devil for help, the devil answered her prayer. The devil spared her from suffering so she can collect souls for him*

Warlock: Well that makes sense.

 

*Suddenly Lucinda appears with facepaint and the chainsaw revving. Chris literally just stands there as Lucinda cuts his hand off….only problem is the saw missed it by a mile*

America: Hahahahahaa look, the saw wasn’t even close. The arm just fell off on its own.

Wallstreet: The arm was so scared it just fell off.

Warlock: Why did he just stand there?

 

*Eric picks up Chris’ body, puts it in front, loads Monique and Sarah in the back and naturally the car won’t start*

Wallstreet: Naturally.

 

*Lucinda revs a chainsaw for a good 30 seconds*

America: Ok we get it, you’re wielding a chainsaw, can we move on now?

 

*Eric: Where the fuck are the cops?”

Warlock: Good question.

 

*Sarah figures out that Lucinda is the devil. Monique says they’re in hell already. Sarah wants to know what Sharon was saying to raise the spirits. Monique says Chris is going to die but Eric says he’s gonna be ok*

Warlock: Yeah, just a flesh wound

Wallsteet: You don’t need all your intestines.

 

*Eric says Chris is going to make it. Scene shifts to the 3 of them looking at Chris’ dead body on the ground. Eric says he;ll come back for Chris, Monique says they won’t. Eric slaps Sarah and asks if anyone has anything positive to say*

Warlock: How can you be positive at a time like this??

 

*Lucinda appears with her gun and chases everybody around. They stop after a while. Eric “She’s gone”

America: Nope, too easy.

 

*Lucinda impales Monique with the chainsaw and revs it. Another Lucinda then shoots Eric in the eye. “I can’t see anything”

Warlock: Wow….

 

*Sarah wrestles with Lucinda 2 and blows her away with her own gun. Lucinda 1 says you need a devil to beat the devil. Sarah runs away in slow motion as Lucinda taunts her. Sarah then realizes that she really is in hell since the train she heard earlier smashed up her car. All of a sudden a dude in a gas mask blows away Lucinda with a shotgun*

America: How are they gonna explain this?

 

*Another dude in a gas mask puts her to sleep with ether. Suddenly we see Sarah being wheeled into a room with guns everywhere. Dr Sullivan (Garrett Clancy) says she’s in a military hospital in the Mojave Desert. She’s handcuffed for her own protection. Sullivan says her friends are all dead. He says the woman who attacked them was cloned. The women she saw were all clones. Sullivan says Lucinda 1 was killed by the Priest. Lucinda 2 killed him. Lucinda 2 and 3 killed Ralph’s crew. Chris ran over and killed Lucinda 2. Sarah killed Lucinda 3. They killed Lucinda 4 and put an end to the experiment.  Sullivan says its terrible that it has to end this way. Sullivan says if they let her go, there would be an investigation. Sullivan says she’s going to be cloned instead. Sullivan “We won’t make the same mistake twice.” The real Lucinda is actually Nurse Polonia. Suddenly a shotgun blast takes out an orderly. Lucinda 4 walks in and says “Hi mom” before blowing the whole room up with a shotgun blast. The outside hospital is actually a toy building with toy trucks outside*

Warlock: Oh my god those were toy trucks.

America: Wow…low budget.

 

*The End*

America: Oh my.

Wallstreet: Finally

 

Mr. Wallstreet’s Assessment: It was a bad ending with bad acting to a bad movie. I forgot what else I was going to say. 3 out of 10

Mr. America’s Assessment: You had ONE job! Anyway, really bad editing from shot to shot. Pretty crappy movie. However, at least it was fast paced. More importantly, I saw two legitimate non CGI airplanes! I give this a WHOLE…WHOPPING…THREEEEE!  3 out of 10

The Warlock: I liked certain aspects of it, but it was such a low budget, heaping pile of garbage. I really wanted to like it but the horrible special effects, CGI and horrendous editing ruined it. Monique couldn’t act and the lighting/camera was awful. I give it a 4.5 out of 10 for the brief nudity, decent storyline, some cool gore effects, the rape scene and Phoebe Dollar for being gorgeous.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Abysmal

 

*Bonus*

America: They probably wasted the entire budget on Ron Jeremy.

Wallstreet: Look, there’s a credit for Indian research. They just gave credit to someone who probably just went to a library, pulled out a book about Indians and read it.

Wallstreet: So wait, the director got burnt during shooting. Someone told him to go to the hospital. The first hospital threw him out because he didn’t have insurance. The second one treated him. So they decided to put all this in the credits?

America: I give the credits 10 out of 10 for the first time and pretty much the only time, for keeping me entertained instead of taking a piss break at the end.

Wallstreet: I tell you this director must be living in utter poverty if he doesn’t have insurance.

Warlock: Of course, I can afford a better budget than this!

 

*After the movie is over, Warlock shuts the portable DVD player off*

Warlock: So there ya go, that’s why we’re here.

Wallstreet: Because of some god-awful pile of trash?

America: You know this isn’t real right?

Warlock: That’s what you think.

America: I think I have to take a piss, that’s what I think.

*America gets out of the car and walks away to take a leak. Wallstreet also gets out to stretch his legs. Warlock gets out on the driver’s side and walks off*

America: Can’t believe we’re out here.

*Once America is finished he hears a voice from behind*

Lucinda: Hey there.

*America jumps but then calms down when he sees her looking gorgeous in tight jean shorts*

America: Oh hey…what are you doing out here?

Lucinda: I call this…home

*Lucinda starts feeling up on him, America likes it at first*

America: Hey now…hey….

*America quickly realizes its Lucinda just as she pulls a knife*

America: Hey….HEY WOAH!

*America ducks as she takes a swing and beats a hasty retreat back to the car where he dives in and shuts the door. Wallstreet walks over and Warlock is still nowhere to be found*

Wallstreet: The heck was that?

*Suddenly Lucinda runs up to him with the knife*

Lucinda: You look like you have some money on you….good.

Wallstreet: Hey aren’t you….

*Lucinda takes a swing with her knife and Wallstreet barely moves out of the way*

Wallstreet: Gahhhh!

*Lucinda chases Wallstreet around the car, America rolls the window down and aims his rifle*

America: Wallstreet stop running, I can’t get a clean shot!

*Wallstreet continues to move*

Wallstreet: And get my head taken off? AH!

*Wallstreet ducks again*

Lucinda: You’re already dead, you just don’t know it yet!

*Suddenly a voice from behind*

Warlock: Hey!

*Lucinda turns around and Warlock walks toward her. Her expression totally changes*

Lucinda: YOU!

*Warlock flicks his right hand and a flame emits from it*

Warlock: Hey Lou….long time no see

*She drops the knife, walks up to him and he puts his arm around her. She smiles but the others inside the car are skeptical*

America: What are you doing Warlock, fry her!

Wallstreet: Wait, he knows her?

*She wraps her arms around his neck, place their foreheads together and they walk off*

Wallstreet: Am I missing something?

*Suddenly a loud noise is heard*

America: Wait….I’ve heard that noise.

Wallstreet: Isn’t that the noise from The Craving?

*Wallstreet and America look at each other and roll the window up. America clutches the rifle*

America: So much for a pleasant evening.

 

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