*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket and gargoyle shades, white sneakers and blue jeans. He’s holding a wine glass of Barq’s rootbeer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates before entering the lair*
Warlock: Tonight is movie number 2 of the 4 pack. Its called Sheltered. A house with a tortured past and 2 brothers.
*Mr. America is sitting on the left side of the couch shaking his head. He’s wearing standard attire*
Mr. America: Sounds ridiculous.
*Mr Wallstreet is sitting in the recliner also wearing standard attire*
Wallstreet: The first movie had a bunch of people trapped, now this one. Anyone notice a pattern here?
*Warlock takes his seat on the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get this out of the way. Its time for Sheltered!
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Awkward, but friendly and handsome bartender Joey allows a group of vacationers to seek refuge in his house on the eve of a big storm. The vacationers soon discover that there’s a crazed killer in their midst, but unfortunately are trapped inside the house by the fierce storm that’s raging outside.”
America: Trapped by a fierce storm? How bad could the storm be? It better be a tsunami, tornado or Category 5 hurricane!
Wallstreet: There’s no excuse for that!
*Movie opens with sounds of a rainstorm but no picture for a good 15 seconds. Then 20 seconds of blur*
Warlock: We’re almost a minute into it and I see….nothing.
*Weird montage of Young Joey (Sterling Beaumon) standing in front of a fountain*
America: They better explain that.
*Really bad opening song plays as radio feedback hypes up the hurricane*
Warlock: You know what else had a hurricane? Dead Clowns. I got a bad feeling about this.
*Red Head Girl asks Brunette Girl if she’s ok. She’s “taking it all in”
*Aviators Guy says they’re tourists. Red Head Girl says otherwise. Blonde Girl looks displeased. Brunette Girl “The clouds are incredible.” Earring Guy makes a bad joke.*
Wallstreet: Just laugh with them. Haaahaha.
*Two surfers stick their thumbs out. The van stops to pick them up. Neither of them know where they are. Cody (Nick Stabile) and Wyatt (Scott Damian) introduce themselves. Blonde Girl is Susan (Allison Dunbar). Earring Guy is Todd (Jonathan Frappier). Brunette girl is Jen (Stacia Crawford). Read Head Girl is Denise (Tricia Small). They all smoke weed in the van and stop off at a bar*
Warlock: They’re going for the typical party hardies,..but they’re all like 40.
*Joey (Gerald Downey) was unprepared for visitors as he kicks a hidden, dead body underneath the bar*
Warlock: Heh, this is already fucked up.
*Billy (Manoel Hudec) walks in and stares at Joey. Hits the bar.*
Warlock: What’s the point of that?
*Denise orders 6 hurricanes*
*Jen says hi to Billy and he blows her off. Jen says the drink is perfect, Joey smiles at her*
Wallstreet: This bartender’s tapped.
America: I don’t think that’s the bartender, I think he killed the bartender.
Warlock: Hmmm, didn’t think of that.
*Joey offers them shelter, Susan and the surfers insult him and walk out. Jen and Denise follow suit leaving just Billy at the bar. Billy asks where Mason (Matt Lake) is*
America: If Mason is the dead guy, imagine the casting call for that. “Just lay there and play dead.”
*Jen walks in, the car won’t start*
Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
Wallstreet: “Oh wait, its started, nevermind. Take care!”
America: THE END!
*She accepts Joey’s offer for shelter. Two patrons (Marc Whitehead and Bo Keister) walk in and demand drinks. Joey tells Billy to show the crew to his house. Joey waits for everyone to leave and he kills both men with a baseball bat*
Wallstreet: There’s your killer.
*Billy lets Cody,Wyatt, Jen, Denise and Todd in. The place is covered in plastic. Wyatt goes to pop a bottle but Joey walks in. He tells everyone to take their shoes off*
Warlock: Damn neat freak.
*Jen eyeballs Joey as Billy walks around aimlessly until he finds a gun and puts it in his pants*
America: They’re smitten, he’s snooping.
*Denise starts dancing*
Wallstreet: Can you imagine us like that when we’re 40?
*Joey heads upstairs as Jen asks Billy about Joey. Billy says he’s crazy, and not in a good way. Billy leads Jen to a bedroom. Plastic is on everything*
Wallstreet: There’s plastic on everything.
Warlock: Easier to get rid of stains.
*Joey is covered in blood and he and Jen both strip down in respective bathrooms. No nudity though*
*Wyatt, Cody, Todd, Denise and Susan are all trashed. Billy spies on Jen stripping. Jen catches him and Billy threatens her*
America: You are not helping your case right now.
*Wyatt says Susan has picked the right time to lose her hurricane cherry*
Warlock: Yes I get it.
*Billy sits next to Susan and continues to act like a creep. Wyatt asks what his story is and Billy says “something.”
Warlock: Once again, very little development.
*Jen lays down and thinks of Joey with a horrible country song playing*
Warlock: Ughh, this music sucks.
*Jen imagines Joey all over her as he opens the door*
America: Ever heard of knocking?
*Joey starts kissing up on Jen. They start getting more passionate*
America: Well these two didn’t wait very long.
*A dude in a raincoat looks on as Jen wakes up, it was all a daydream*
America: Damn you movie! You misled us!
*Jen opens the door and Joey is there. She says he’s making her shy. Denise calls her hot*
Warlock: Wow, nice dialogue.
*Denise hands Jen a condom and sends her back to Joey*
Warlock: Quick thinking Denise.
*A glass shatters as Joey says he grew up in the house. He reaches for the gun but its not there. Jen “What is it?”
America: There’s an insane guest, with a gun!
*Joey and Jen investigate broken glass as they discover Christie (Heather Loschiavo). Her hand is all cut up. She claims she’s here for Billy. Billy tells her she should not have come. Joey tells Christie to take her shoes off*
Warlock: God damn germaphobe.
*Joey tells Billy to control his breathing. Joey “What’s the matter with you?” Billy “I don’t like this house and I don’t like you being in this house.”
Warlock: They could be brothers.
*Christie staggers around dancing like a junkie with her thong out*
Warlock: I’m not gonna complain.
*Christie tells Billy to explain to the house. Billy grabs her and tells her to shut up. He slaps her and Wyatt shoves him. They go nose to nose as Joey walks in and screams “HEY!” while holding a knife. He then smiles, holds up the knife and says “Any food allergies I need to know about?”
Wallstreet and America: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Warlock: Line of the movie right there.
*Christie strips to her underwear in front of Jen. Jen asks what happened in this house. Christie says Billy isn’t the one to watch out for. Christie tries to seduce Jen with her eyes but Jen resists. Joey then talks to himself while preparing shrimp*
Warlock: I don’t think the shrimp are going to answer.
America: Ok, we get it, you’re crazy nutzo, let’s keep this moving.
*Denise starts making out with Cody as Todd gives color commentary*
*Billy wanders around aimlessly as Wyatt calls him a fucking punk*
The bowl of shrimp cooks on its own*
America: Trying to turn the shrimp into rubber?
Warlock: There’s a problem at the rubber shrimp factory?
*Christie puts money in her bra. She answers the door and its Joey. He doesn’t say anything, he just knocks her out with a right hook*
Warlock: 7–8—9—10 you’re out!
*Christie wakes up in the bath with Joey looking down at her. Meanwhile downstairs Billy tells Susan and Cody to get a room. Wyatt pops up mad. Billy says peace and they both take swigs of booze*
Warlock: Not very macho.
*Joey grabs a straight razor and cuts Christie’s wrists. He has another clean shirt ready outside the bath after he kills her*
Warlock: At least he came prepared.
*Susan calls Billy an asshole and jumps up on Wyatt. Billy asks Jen to dance and she walks off. She looks for Joey*
Warlock: He’s busy.
*Jen steps in blood. She hallucinates that Hack (Paul Sampson) is there for her. She runs into Joey and calms down. Todd comes in and asks for a bag of chips to make out with*
America: So this movie has a guy that doesn’t get any either.
*Joey admits he’s not a bartender but he inherited a bar. His mother (Brigitte Baker) taught him to cook. The lights go dim. Jen “Do you think this house was haunted?”
*Billy says a couple was murdered here by a madman. The parents were murdered while the kids hid upstairs. The lights go dead as Cody continues to kiss up on Diane. Billy gets a closeup until the lights go on*
Warlock: Todd says “Fixed the lamp!”
*Billy walks upstairs as Joey and Jen serve food. Cody and Diane make it to the basement. He admits he’s scared*
America: At least he admits it.
*Billy looks for Christie and finds her dead in the bathroom with her wrists cut*
Warlock: So much for her.
*Billy sits and ponders as Susan does a striptease for Wyatt and Todd. Jen and Joey talk as Cody and Diane make out*
Warlock: 35 minutes left. I can see the light, we’re getting there.
*Joey tells Jen he’s into her but Jen is uncomfortable*
Warlock: This dialogue is atrocious.
*Cody gets philosophical with Diane*
America: Ughhh, get on with it.
*Billy stares down Joey and they go to talk alone upstairs. Jen and Susan eavesdrop. Jen goes after them. Billy points to Christie “What the fuck is this?” Jen and Susan knock on the door. Susan opens the door and screams. Todd and Wyatt run upstairs. Todd freaks out but Joey tells everyone to calm down. Wyatt blames Billy and Billy walks away. Wyatt puts a finger in his chest and Billy headbutts him, breaking Wyatt’s noise. Billy pulls a gun on Wyatt and Joey tries to talk him out of it. Billy points it at Joey as Cody and Wyatt jump him. The gun goes off and tags Joey in the ear.Wyatt punches Billy out and taunts him. Jen notices Joey is hit but he says he’s never felt better*
Warlock: Well that escalated quickly.
Wallstreet: That was pretty tense.
*Meanwhile Diane and Cody get it on in the basement. Todd freaks out as he drags Billy around. Todd calls Wyatt Professor Plum*
*Todd continues to freak out as Jen says she’s going to give Wyatt some ice. Meanwhile Joey tries in vain to scrub his shirt*
America: That was my last clean shirt!
*Warlock and America discuss who’s been killed so far*
America: 2 randoms that walked into the bar, druggie girlfriend and the original bartender
Warlock: Nobody from the main group.
*Todd says he’s going out for help. Jen “The whole town is evacuated.” Todd “My bowels are evactuated*
Warlock and America: Hahaha
*Todd leaves and Susan asks “What about us?”
America: To be determined.
*Wyatt continues to bleed profusely from the nose*
Warlock: Anyone want to get him a rag or some noseplugs?
*Joey gets up and says to go find Diane and Cody. He puts a gun on table and tells Jen to keep watch over Billy. Billy was tied up by Wyatt*
Warlock: He’s not going anywhere.
*Jen has more hallucinations. Only she sees Young Joey cleaning up the blood next to his father (Matthew Murray)
America: How is she reliving HIS memories?
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Joey leads Susan to another room in the house. Finally Joey has enough and tells her to shut up. Joey “You hear that?”
America: Hear what?
*Susan investigates but Joey snaps her neck from behind*
Warlock: Well that was…random.
*Billy asks Jen where Joey is as a country song plays*
Warlock: The soundtrack doesn’t fit at all.
*Joey walks downstairs with a wrench as Todd makes it to the bar. He finds the 3 dead bodies and freaks out*
Warlock: Be a good boy and call the police instead of say “Oh shit oh shit!”
*Jen asks Billy if he loved Christie. He laughs. Wyatt asks what’s so funny. Billy says she was a junkie and a dealer but he didn’t kill her. Jen “Did you kill your parents?” Billy “Come again?”
Wallstreet: She keeps getting visions.
*Joey hacks up Cody with a wrench as Diane screams. Billy says to ask his brother. Diane gets away and kicks Joey away. She runs into the living room screaming and Joey tackles her. Billy says to untie him but Wyatt just stands there. Joey stabs and kills Diane. Wyatt goes for the gun but Joey stabs his hand. Todd runs in and says Joey is the killer. Joey congratulates Todd and shoots Wyatt in the head. Joey punches down Todd as Jen can’t get the knife out. Joey stabs and kills Todd with a window payne. Jen runs up and stabs Joey. He tells her “You hear them too? I knew there was a reason why I like you.” He kisses her and she moves out of the way. Joey looks around “Christ what a mess!”
*Joey writhers about in pain as Billy shows up with a red hot poker. Billy “I can’t let you do this anymore.” Joey “Let me? Hahahahaa” Billy “What did he say to you?” Joey “You were here, what do you think he said?” Billy “I heard him kill mom and dad. What did he say to you?” Joey “What he said isn’t as important as what I heard.” Billy goes to stab Joey but Joey shoots him down*
America: And we’re down to two.
Wallstreet: What a mess in here.
Warlock: Just like that everybody’s dead.
Wallstreet: Yes it was quite sudden.
*Joey staggers up the steps as Jen hides in the closet. We get a flashback of Hack telling Young Joey “its ok”. We get a back and forth of Joey withering in pain as Young Joey and Hack talk. They can both hear voices. Hack says its a beautiful gift. Hack explains he killed the parents because “they were unhappy, and I helped them” Jen is in the closet hallucinating that Young Billy (Kyle Kissler) is shushing her. Hack says Billy isn’t happy there and needs help. Young Joey nods his head as Hack grabs his gun. He tells Young Joey he’ll show him how to use it. Young Joey shoots Hack in the back as modern day Joey slumps on the bed. Jen exists the closet and Joey springs to life, grabbing her by the wrist. He says he really enjoyed getting to know her. She slugs him and she runs off. Joey “You can outrun me, but you can’t outrun them!”
Warlock: I ran so far awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
*Joey points the gun at Jen and tells her to stay. She says she can’t. Joey “We want you to stay.” All of a sudden Billy runs up and stabs Joey in the back with the red hot poker. Joey “Faith is a mythical bird.” Billy “Go now!” Jen runs out of the house as Billy holds Joey. He dies in Billy’s hands. Jen runs around outside hearing voices*
America: What the hell is this?
*Jen stands in front of the fountain*
America: So does this mean she hears voices too and will be the next killer?
*Billy cries and slumps to the floor*
Wallstreet: He should be dead.
*Jen stands in the rain as the credits roll*
Wallstreet: Oh finally…
Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: Oh gosh….so glad its over. I give it a 5!
Mr. America’s assessment: A FIVE! I can’t believe you gave that pile a 5. I give it a 2.5.
The Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 4. It had its moments, but it was crap for the most part. The ending had us all silent which means it was interesting.
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10….Crap
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That movie had its moments and was certainly better than The Craving, but that’s not saying much. That’s like having to pee rather than desperately holding your anus while making sure you don’t crap yourself.
America: Did not need that image.
Warlock: Who asked you? Anyway that concludes movie number 2 out of the 4 pack. Hopefully we’ll have better luck with the next two. Have a pleasant evening.