58. The Craving (2008)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair wearing an “I survived Sharknado” t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers, black leather jacket and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire from his wrist down the street then enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight we begin the first of the double 4 pack…otherwise known as the next 8 pack.

*Mr. America is sitting on the left side of the couch wearing standard attire*

Mr. America: Haven’t we gone through enough torture with 16 movies already?

*Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner also wearing a standard suit*

Mr. Wallstreet: Hey now, remember our motto. We do these movies

Warlock and America: So they don’t have to.

Wallstreet: Yes, that’s right. On with it!

*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get this misery started. The first movie is called The Craving. Monsters in the desert apparently.

Mr. America: Ohhhhh fun.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A group of college students embarking on a cross country road trip to the Burning Man Festival find themselves stranded in desert. Come nightfall a vicious predatory monster comes out”

Mr. America:  I’ve really gotten hungry for this one.

Mr. Wallstreet: I’m not hungry at all.

 

*Biscuits and Gravy Productions*

Warlock: What the hell is that?

 

*Opening credits*

Wallstreet: Oh god, is this the quality of the movie?

Warlock: If so, this is gonna suck.

 

*Some dude with a hammer pounds nails until he drops his hammer*

Warlock: What was the purpose of that?

 

*Girl with short hair and tattoo walks beside another woman*

Warlock: I’ll take the girl with the tattoo, America can take the other.

 

*Man with dog (Howard Rice) leaves his dog outside. Man with hammer drives up and steals the dog*

Warlock: Good thing Neyzor Blades isn’t here to see this.

 

*Dude’s car won’t start, Man walks outside and can’t find dog*

America: I’d love to see him get foiled.

 

*Dude drives away with the dog*

America: Staring at the man doesn’t help your inconspicuousness

 

*Dude carves Pinhead from Puppet Master as the dog won’t stop barking. Some kind of monster shows up and kills the dog*

Wallstreet: Doggy is no more.

America: I really don’t like this guy.

 

*2 girls and a guy play strip poker. Brunette girl takes her bra off*

Warlock: This is NOT the worst movie of all time.

 

*Blonde girl makes out with musclehead guy. Cowboy hat guy calls the Driver a punkass and pops some pills with a Monster*

America: Good product placement.

 

*Driver passive aggressively yells at the others because he’s the odd man out*

America: Alright now, if the car starts rocking, don’t worry its not your shocks.

 

*Cowboy guy bangs Brunette girl while Muscle Guy bangs Blonde girl, Driver has to listen to them*

Warlock: Poor guy.

 

*Drive opens the vans to the crew naked*

Warlock: Hahaha, he exposed them,

 

*Driver tells Troy (Anselm Clinard) aka Musclehead to pump the gas*

Warlock: Well at least we got one name.

 

*Blonde girl asks Brunette girl why she hasn’t dumped Cowboy Guy. She answers because of his cock*

Wallstreet: Good lord.

 

*Cowboy Guy literally feels up EVERYTHING in the convenience store. Driver asks for directions while Cowboy Guy drops a bushel of junk food on the counter*

America: Oh boy, munchies fuel!

 

*Dude With Hammer checks out Blonde Girl bent over*

Warlock: Woah! Pause for research.

America: Too late.

Warlock: Dammit!

 

*Blonde Girl says to Troy that Brian is a pain in the ass*

Warlock: Oh boy, a small attempt at character development.

 

*Howard the Store Clerk (Jonny Jenks) confronts crew with a shotgun. He asks where his dog is. The Ranger (Jason Kehler) tells Howard to put the gun away. Howard runs off*

America: Shoot him!

 

*Ranger taunts the crew about the Burning Man Festival*

America: Whatever you say Deputy Dooright

 

*Troy calls shotgun*

America: Was that dude supposed to be ironic by calling shotgun?

 

*Cowboy Guy, Brunette Girl and Blonde Girl eat. Blonde Girl yells at them while reading the ingredients*

America: Yodels are good, shaddup.

 

*Cowboy Guy is playing some handheld game when the van bumps around. Driver says they’re taking a shortcut to save two hours*

America: Famous last words.

 

*Driver calls the Blonde Girl “Jeannie” (Lesley Patterson). Jeannie asks if this is the way, why is no one here?*

America: You’re early!

 

*Extra long shots of the van driving*

Warlock: If nothing else, it kills the run time.

 

*Driver hits a pot-hole, Troy figures out they’re lost. Troy calls Driver by the name Brian (Grayson Berry). Troy is pissed off and tells Brian to turn around*

Wallstreet: These kids are stupid.

 

*Brian spots a random house and says to head over there*

Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

America: “Hey why don’t we turn around and forget the house?”

Wallstreet: “Sure, let’s turn back.”

All: THE END!

 

*Dude with Hammer spots the van coming his way*

America: “The van from the gas stop, they’re on to me! Now I’m gonna have to kill em!”

 

*By process of elimination, Cowboy Guy is named Scotty (Jesse C Boyd) and Brunette Girl is Diane (Wallis Herst) and Dude With Hammer is Larry (Curtis Krick). Larry shoots at the van with a shotgun*

America: I told ya, they’re on to me! Gonna have to shoot em.

 

*Larry’s blast takes out the radiator and the tire, the van tips over*

America: I’m sorry, but hitting the tire doesn’t mean the van will automatically tip over!

 

*Scotty’s leg is crushed. Troy says to leave him here as the rest leave to find help*

Wallstreet: Sucks for him, put him up against a tree.

Warlock: Wow, what friends.

 

*Troy says to grab a tire iron and confront Larry*

America: Just make sure its concealed. Don’t just run at him with it when he’s got a gun.

Warlock: Nah, I’d love to see these clowns run at him  screaming with flashlights, tire irons and Yodel boxes with Scotty yelling CHARGE!

 

*Brian kicks a can by accident, giving away his position*

Warlock: Stealth fail.

Wallstreet: You fool!

 

*Troy runs in and trips over Howard’s dog. They scope the place out*

Wallstreet: There is a certain level of intelligence with this man.

America: Or lack thereof.

 

*Troy walks out holding the iron like a cross*

Warlock: Yeah, hold it like a cross, maybe it’ll scare him.

America: For a dogkapper, he’s really good at hiding.

 

*Larry knocks Troy out with the butt end of the shotgun. Brian charges and grabs the shotgun, Larry shoves him down. Brian blows him away with the shotgun, he’s not dead yet”

Wallstreet: That was an interesting twist.

 

*Jeannie and Diane run in. They notice Larry moaning. Diane “What did you do?”*

America: What do you think he just did?

Warlock: First degree self defense.

Wallstreet: In this state that’s 20 years.

 

*Diane, Jeannie and Troy place Larry down. Larry “You are so screwed.” He laughs and then coughs. He dies*

Warlock and Mr. America: Ehhhhhhhhhh

 

*Troy wakes up*

America: Need an advil?

 

*The crew carries Scotty in the house, he’s screaming the whole way*

Warlock: They never showed us his leg, was it shot or crushed?

 

*Scotty: “You shot him?” turns to his right “Ahhhhh!!”

Warlock, America and Wallstreet: Hahahahahaha

 

*Troy figures out to find Larry’s keys to his truck. Scotty gives directions*

Warlock: Talk about backseat driver.

 

*Diane runs in and shakes her head*

America: Nothing!

 

*Scotty says Larry didn’t live here, there’s not enough living space. He says Larry was there to get high*

Warlock: Half right.

America: Who’s starting the truck?

 

*Everyone points fingers at each other to blame for getting into this mess*

America: On today’s Blame Game!

Warlock: Pointing fingers aren’t gonna get us anywhere…STEVE!

 

*Jeannie says to pitch tents and sleep*

Warlock: I would have ran for it.

 

*Jeannie goes on a run by herself*

Wallstreet: She may be our first victim

Warlock: And I could care less.

America: I love how they’re lost in an area they don’t now, so what does she decide to do? I’m gonna go venture out running!

Wallstreet: Brilliant!

 

*Monster is on its way. Jeannie points a flashlight*

Wallstreet: If I were her I’d turn it off.

 

*Meanwhile Scotty moans by a fire as Diane and Brian play camping. Troy asks what the plan is.”

Warlock: Don’t die.

 

*Scotty goes to roll a joint, Troy calls him a moron*

Warlock: These guys are not developed at all, I don’t  care if they die.

 

*Scotty and Diane fuck while Jeannie runs into Troy. She says she was being chased by a skunk*

Warlock: Wow, she’s alive.

America: What kind of skunks have YOU seen that make that noise?

 

*Jeannie tries to calm Brian down. Brian “I’ve never even fired a gun before”

America: Well there’s a first for everything.

 

*Brian says shooting Larry was the biggest rush of his life*

Warlock: Whoever wrote this needs to be beaten with a textbook.

 

*Troy lays next to Jeannie, she rolls her eyes*

America: Not interested.

 

*Jeannie tells Troy to hold her. They make out*

Warlock: Very interested.

 

*Troy and Jeannie get it on*

Warlock: This is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in terms of character development. Take away the monster and it would make a good porno.

 

*Brian has a dream that he’s banging Jeannie only she’s got all her clothes on. She finally strips her top off and turns into Larry who rings out the shirt and blood comes out*

Warlock: Ok, I get the symbolism, just a little badly done.

 

*Brian wakes up in the van*

Warlock: Halfway done, there’s a light at the end of this tunnel

America: There was a light?

 

*Monster makes noises as Jeannie and Troy continue to go at it. Troy tells her to ignore it. Then he hears it. “What is it?”

America: Critters!

Warlock: Tremors!

 

*Troy shouts for Scotty and asks what the sound is. Scotty says coyotes*

Warlock: I’ve never heard a coyote make that sound. It sounds like an angry seagull.

America: In the desert?

Warlock: That’s the ironic part.

 

*Troy goes to investigates the noise while Scotty and Diane continue to go at it*

Warlock: This is so awful. We have no character development at all. No background on anyone, no “I have a kid at home” no reason to care about anybody.

 

*The monster attacks Troy as Scotty and Diane limp to the van. Jeannie watches Troy getting eaten. Brian pulls her away and Troy continues to scream*

Wallstreet: That didn’t even look like a wolf, that looked like some kind of troll thing.

 

*Brian grabs the shotgun and says he’s going after it. He stands in front of the tent. The monster gets away and Brian fires the gun around, hitting the van instead. Brian grabs Howard’s dog and makes a run for it with Jeannie, Diane and Scotty. Whatever is out there smells bad*

Warlock: This movie stinks just as bad.

 

*Brian fires the gun around again*

Warlock: Stop wasting ammo

 

*Everyone but Diane thinks it smells bad. She laughs and falls to the ground*

Warlock: She’s high off her ass, now it makes sense.

 

*Brian and Jeannie pound nails into the wall to keep the monster out*

Warlock:  Yeah that’ll work…not.

 

*The monster crashes through the wall and steals Larry’s dead body*

Warlock: He’s already dead, he don’t matter.

America: Collateral damage.

 

*Diane continues to laugh her ass off as Scotty moans, Dog whimpers and Jeannie cries*

Warlock: This is giving me a headache.

 

*Jeannie “Its gone”

America: Heh, for now!

Warlock: 40 minutes left, ughhhh.

 

*Jeannie: We should see what’s left of…..”

Warlock: Don’t finish that sentence.

 

*They all walk outside, its daylight. Brian “We’re safe in the daylight.” Jeannie “How do you know?” Brian “I don’t.”

Warlock: This dialogue sucks.

 

*Diane plows through the yodels*

Warlock: Munchiemania.

 

*Brian pulls back the tent and gags at the sight of Troy split in half, he’s dead*

Warlock: Well at least we know he’s dead now.

 

*Brian says he’s gonna run for it. Jeannie says he’s the reason they’re stuck. Brian says its Troy’s fault. Jeannie slaps him. Brian says he’ll be back at sundown. Jeannie takes the gun and points it at him*

Warlock: More terrible scenes. How are we supposed to feel sorry for any of these people?

 

*Diane tells him to take water. Brian says he has enough*

Warlock: This is turning into Deadfall Trail

Wallstreet: My god you’re right.

 

*Jeannie digs a hole as Brian walks off*

Warlock: He was never seen again.

 

*Jeannie and Diane bury Troy’s body. Jeannie keeps saying “come on, come on!” Jeannie then says something totally unintelligibly”

Warlock: This dialogue is terrible!!!

 

*Scotty twitches around and Diane tries to cater to him but he wants to be left alone. Scotty’s eyes turn red like Larry’s were in the beginning of the movie*

Warlock: He’s infected!

 

*Jeannie tries to drive away but can’t get the truck started. Diane wants to help get the truck started*

Warlock: I’m guessing it didn’t work.

 

*Brian continues to backpack across the desert. He sees nothing for miles but more desert. A dude on a moped rides around and doesn’t hear Brian screaming*

Warlock: That would have been too easy.

 

*Jeannie and Diane can’t get the truck started*

Warlock: 30 minutes to go. 2/3 of the way there.

 

*Jeannie yells at Diane, pulls her out of the truck and shoves her down. Diane gets up and yells at her*

Warlock: Still don’t care about these people.

 

*Diane asks what they’re going to do. Jeannie says get ready*

America: For what?

Wallstreet: Another siege.

America: The last time was hardly a siege.

 

*Diane and Jeannie discuss why Larry wanted to lure the monster*

Warlock: At least they’re talking about it.

America: Oh boy we have a road sign.

 

*Night falls as Jeannie and Diane tend to Scotty who hasn’t moved. They play cards*

Warlock: Go fish.

America: Draw

 

*The monster makes its sound as the girls play cards*

America: Its baaaaaaaaaack

Warlock: They playing bridge?

America: No its war!

 

*The monster pounds on the door. Jeannie tosses Diane the gun. She says when she opens the door, shoot it*

Warlock: That’s not bad strategy. One way or another this ends. Either she misses and they die, or they hit it and win.

 

*Jeannie opens the door, its Ranger. Diane fires but misses. Ranger “Does everyone have a shotgun??”

Warlock: Haha

 

*Ranger says his bike conked out and he wanted Larry to give him a ride. They hear the creature and Ranger asks what’s going on. They give a terrible explanation. Diane says the monster gets them high*

Warlock: What??? Are you kidding me?

 

*Jeannie tells Ranger Brian went for help. Ranger asks where Troy is, Jeannie says he’s dead.  Ranger says he’s gonna go after his bike. He says he’ll be back by morning.”

America: I don’t believe you.

 

*Monster goes to attack, Ranger shuts the door*

Wallstreet: On second thought, I think I’ll stay here.

Warlock: 19 minutes to go.

 

*Monster smashes through and takes the dog, Ranger says he’s got a shot. Jeannie says they only have two shots left. Scotty jumps on Ranger to stop him.  Scotty peeks his head out and the monster eats his face off, he’s dead*

Warlock: Nice effect.

 

*Ranger: We’ve gotta get outta here.”

Warlock: No shit.

 

*Ranger and Jeannie go to start Larry’s truck. Larry then goes to the van instead. His eyes are bloodshot red*

Warlock: He’s infected.

 

*Larry gags Jeannie and goes to rape her*

Wallstreet: Wouldn’t be anything new to her.

 

*Larry thinks better of it. Instead he cuffs her to the side of the van, cuts her with a knife and licks the blood off*

Wallstreet: Blerghhhh

 

*Jeannie calmly tells Diane to bar the door as Ranger hides in the van*

Warlock: She should be screaming.

 

*The monster makes its way as Diane can’t bar the door*

Wallstreet: You incompetent woman!

 

*Monster feeds on Jeannie as Ranger exits the van, monster is still feeding. Ranger walks off into the cabin. He flicks a lighter*

Warlock: Yeah this won’t end well.

 

*Diane fakes out Ranger and stabs Ranger in the ankle with a screwdriver*

America: Your turn to get screwed.

 

*Ranger limps after Diane who runs outside*

Wallstreet: She may be the unlikely hero.

 

*Diane nails Ranger with a board. He falls backwards, knocking over a lantern and dropping his lighter. The place ignites. Diane sees Jeannie cut in half*

Wallstreet: That’s hot.

America: Gives a new meaning to the term “eating her out.”

 

*Brian shows up out of nowhere and asks where Jeannie is*

Wallstreet: You really wanna know?

America: Take a look!

 

*Diane is in hysterics as Brian investigates. Ranger jumps up from behind and snatches Diane. He leads her away with a knife*

America: The former deputy dooright, now the deputy doowrong.

 

*The cabin goes up in flames*

Wallstreet: Now that’s a fire.

America: Somebody get me marshmellows.

Warlock: Who wants to sing?

 

*Brian holds then last shell of the shotgun, jumps off the roof of the cabin and tackles Ranger. He hurts himself and the Ranger picks up the gun and points it at Brian. CLICK! Brian never loaded the shell*

Warlock: Brilliant!

 

*Brian and Diane take off on Ranger’s non-broken bike. Monster chases them*

Wallstreet: He left a full meal to go after them.

America: He’s in the mood for fast food!

 

*Brian fires the last shell at the monster as the scene fades to black*

Warlock: Great, a cliffhanger?

 

*Man with dog has a new dog. He ties him up in the old spot. Diane staggers to the dog, infected. Fade to black, end credits*

Warlock: Thank god!

 

*Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: Ohhhh, this reminded me a lot of Friday the 13th.

Mr. America and The Warlock: WHAT?????

Mr. Wallstreet: I mean that the hottest girls don’t get killed. 3 out of 10

Mr. America’s assessment:  I give it a 3 as well.

The Warlock’s assessment: That was one of the worst piles of crap I’ve ever seen. I’ll give it a 2. One point for nudity and one for very brief actual thinking.

Final Grade: 2.5 – Abysmal

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was god awful. If this is what the rest of the pack will be about, we may as well just shoot ourselves.

Wallstreet: Have some pride man! We do it…

Warlock: So they don’t have to.

Wallstreet: Yes, on to the next one!

America: I’m with Warlock.

*America pulls out his carbine rifle*

America: Goodbye cruel world.

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

*America pulls the trigger, a flag with BANG written on it comes out*

 

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