*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock doesn’t do any tricks, he just walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight’s film is something I usually wouldn’t do. Since I made Neyzor Blades sit through Evil Bong 3….
Neyz: Yeah, thanks a lot….that was awful.
Warlock: ….I promised to make it up to her. Tonight’s movie is Mr. Wrong, a 1996 romantic comedy starring Ellen Degeneres and Bill Pullman.
Neyz: I’ve never heard of this movie.
Warlock: I have and its….
Neyz: What? WHAT?
*Warlock takes his seat*
Warlock: its…time to watch the movie. So let’s get started with Mr. Wrong
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A single and lonely woman finds the seemingly perfect man to date, but soon regrets it when his deranged and possessive other personality emerges and worst still, she cannot convince anyone else of his Jekyll/Hyde true nature.”
Neyz: This sounds interesting.
*Opening graphic Touchstone Pictures*
Neyz: Oh my god, I miss it!
Warlock: The entrance logo?
*Opening song sounds weird*
Warlock: The opening song sounds like a mash up between Disney and NFL Films.
*Movie begins in Mexico where a 3 legged dog aids a janitor push a broom*
Neyz: Awwww its a babies.
*Two Mexican cops (Hector Elias) talk about Martha Alston (Ellen DeGeneres) while saying Whitman Crawford (Bill Pullman) is in the hospital*
Neyz: Oozing Machismo.
*The cops ask what happened.*
Warlock: So this story is told in a flashback.
*Martha is at her sister Annie’s (Hope Davis) wedding. Martha tells her mom (Polly Holiday) that she no plans of getting married. Her father (Peter White) asks if she’s seeing someone.*
*Jane (Ellen Cleghorne) tells Martha say men should say what’s wrong with them on the first date.*
Neyz: Yeah really.
*Aunt Belinda (Jenny Turnham) says Martha will be next. Martha tells Jane she’s drunk*
Warlock: Ha…there’s a slight chuckle.
*Jane: “Yeah marriage is hell.”
Neyz: Yeah Warlock.
*Voiceover Martha says she met Whitman on Valentne’s Day*
Warlock: Usually that would be a good thing.
*News show has Dick Braxton (Robert Goulet) as a co-host*
Warlock: Heh, its Robert Goulet.
*Walter (John Livingston) gives Martha a flower*
*Walter hits on Ellen and hugs her too long. He tells her that neither of them have plans for Valentine’s Day*
Warlock: Way to make her feel lousy.
*Martha rejects Walter to go on a blind date with some guy they don’t even name. He asks to french kiss her at the door. She blankly looks at him and says goodnight.*
*Martha watches a bunch of romance stuff on TV in her pjs*
Warlock: Is this what single people go through?
*Martha hits up the bar and goes to put “I’m so Lonesome I Could Cry” by Chris Isaak on the jukebox. She drops a quarter and Whitman Crawford puts his own quarter in and chooses the song. Whitman smiles at her as she rambles*
Neyz: Awkward sandwhich right now.
*Whitman: “Are you lonesome?”
Neyz: And that’s when I killed him your honor.
*They awkwardly slow dance*
Neyz: Excuse me while I sleep.
*Whitman: “Let’s go get coffee and Moo Goo Gai Pan”
Neyz: Chinese food.
*Martha tells Whitman that she’s shy and don’t feel at ease around new people.”
Neyz: That’s true.
*Whitman leads Martha to a view of the ocean. He says “You have to trust what you can’t believe.”
Neyz: You have to trust the piece of cheese.
*Martha tells him she’s not looking for anything serious. They kiss passionately*
Neyz: This is moving so slow.
*Martha: “I think I’m going to faint”
Neyz: No, she’s gonna fart.
*Martha tells Whitman the only romance she ever had when she was young, was a clown that had knocked on her window who had the wrong address of a party he was supposed to be at.*
Warlock: Clown hour.
Neyz: Sad life.
*Whitman drives her home. Next frame Martha tells her parents what she did on Valentine’s Day. Her parents perk up*
*The parents want to meet Whitman. Martha brags to her sister who is ecstatic*
Neyz: This is not one of Ellen’s best pictures.
Warlock: You’re saying it only 20 minutes into the movie?
Warlock: We still got an hour to go.
*Whitman says his only serious relationship was with his ex Inga (Joan Cusack). Martha says she’s never really been in love.*
Warlock: 30 and never been in love, what a loser.
*Whitman and Martha strip each other at Whitman’s place.*
Warlock: Wow, they have zero chemistry. Pullman’s being the hunk but she’s stonefacing everything.
Neyz: She’s a lesbian.
Warlock: Yeah now we know that, this was BEFORE she came out. Now it makes all the sense in the world.
*Whitman throws his boot which ricochets off the wall*
Warlock: How sad is THAT is the funniest part of the whole movie?
*Whitman wants to read Martha poetry in bed. The Three Fingered Dawn*
Warlock: What the hell is a 3 fingered dawn?
Neyz: He’s so fucking weird I can’t even look at it.
Warlock: He sounds like he’s drunk.
*Whitman rambles on with his ‘poetry’*
Warlock: What the hell is this bullshit?
Neyz: Her face is my face right now. That’s like you reading Toilet Hazzard to me.
*Martha thanks him for the poetry and they share a kiss*
Warlock: Good god I can write better than that.
*Martha’s phone rings and Inga tells her to stay away from her man. Martha pours V8 all over the floor*
Warlock: Wow, Joan Cusack as a heel.
*Walter asks Martha if she’d like to see a Richard Burton movie marathon later that night*
Warlock: If Where Eagles Dare is playing, I’m in.
Neyz: He’s not asking you.
*Walter is visibly miffed that Whitman sent her dozens of roses*
Warlock: Tough break kid.
*Jane walks in and goes apeshit at the flowers.Martha asks her if she’shad problems with ex-girlfriends. She says no. Next frame Whitman meets Annie and Mrs. Alston. Annie’s husband Stuart (Briant Wells) talks investments with Whitman.*
Neyz: I can’t handle this movie. The cake came from Stop and Shop.
*Whitman admits he was only acting in front of her family. Martha asks him to be himself. He passive aggressively turns heel*
Warlock: That was the worst heel turn ever.
*Whitman’s idea of fun is stealing cheap beer*
Warlock: You could have at least stolen the good stuff.
*Whitman slips a can in the back of Martha’s pants and she tries to play it off by sashaying around the convenience store.*
Neyz: That is so dumb.
*Whitman calls the shopkeeper Homes, the keeper looks at him angry*
Neyz: He’s gonna get shot.
*The keeper chases Martha out of the store with a bat when the beer can falls out of her jacket. He then cracks open a beer while he’s driving*
Warlock: Good ol drinking and driving.
*Whitman smashes a can of beer over his head and throws it at a bum on the street who falls over. Whitman: HE SHOOTS HE SCORES!
Warlock: Haha ok, that was funny.
*Jane says her boyfriend likes monster trucks and calls her breasts bazoongas.*
*Martha walks outside and Whitman has a new car. Whitman drives Martha to meet his mother (Joan Plowright) as the maid Consuela (Camille Saviola) looks on. Mrs Crawford checks her out and says she has good birthing hips.*
*Martha finds a pillow that has Whitman’s quote on it…only its by Tommy LaSorda*
Neyz: Who’s that?
Warlock: He was the manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers in the 1980’s.
*Martha plays a bad game of charades where she has to imitate Madame Bovary*
Warlock: This is supposed to be funny.
*Whitman gives his mom an extra long awkward hug and Martha gives her an equally awkward kiss on the cheek*
Warlock: This is seriously stupid.
*Whitman rocks out to Hold The Line by Toto*
Neyz: Best song of the movie.
*Martha wants to talk with Whitman at a coffee shop where she breaks up with him using salt and pepper shakers.*
Warlock: That was the worst breakup explanation ever.
*Whitman asks her to jump off a cliff with him*
Warlock: I’ll take him up on the offer if it means the movie ends.
*Whitman literally breaks his own finger because he loves her*
Warlock: We don’t even get to see it?
Neyz: He’s mutilating himself.
*Martha escapes to her house where Inga confronts her. Her accomplice Bob (Brad William Henke) throws her on the couch in friendly manner. Inga threatens her by putting gum in her hair. Bob apologizes for taking some Snapples from the fridge*
Warlock: What a friendly burglar.
*Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen plays as Martha gets a bevy of gifts from Whitman. She literally throws everything off her desk and Walter walks in*
Warlock: Hey save the football for me.
*Martha agrees to house-sit for her parents. While she’s there she looks at a photo album of the family before turning the lights off. During the night Whitman knocks on her window dressed as a clown*
*Martha argues with Whitman The Clown who’s on stilts. He eventually falls down which causes a dog to bark*
Warlock: That’s the best part of the movie so far,him falling down.
*Martha calls the cops on Whitman, Inga and Bob.They don’t believe her*
Warlock: Even the cops don’t believe it.
*Martha pulls up to her house but the front porch and steps are loaded with gifts from Whitman*
Neyz: What the hell is that?
*Martha hires a private eye named Jack Tramonte (Dean Stockwell) to follow Whitman.*
Warlock: Ever see Quantam Leap?
*Martha goes to the opera with Walter. Walter gives away the ending of the opera by saying it mirrors her life.*
Warlock: She has even less chemistry with him as she does with Bill Pullman.
*Walter hits the souvenir stand as Whitman shows up behind her in a white tux and black bow tie.*
Warlock: Not even Mr. Wallstreet would wear that.
*Whitman humps the air which causes Martha to faint. The security guard escorts Whitman out of the building*
Warlock: Ok, that was funny.
*According to Jack, Whitman gets 50 grand a month from a trust fund. He lived with his mother until 6 months before. Inga once tried to assassinate Stevie Nicks. Martha freaks out*
Warlock: She can go her own way.
*Martha asks Jack to tell Whitman to go away. He insinuates that he’ll kill him. Martha says not to break his spinal chord, just make him go away*
Warlock: Don’t go away mad, just go away.
*Martha walks outside to get the paper all paranoid. A flower delivery guy (Gilbert B Combs) drives by and it freaks her out. Martha shows up to work with a bunch of monkeys jumping around. Apparently someone forged her signature to tell show guests to fuck off. Dick Braxton fires her and Martha drives off angry*
Warlock: He ruins her life and everyone thinks he’s the man of her dreams.
Neyz: Look at her face.
*Martha runs to her parents who are on their way to a cruise paid for by Whitman. She says she’ll go to Mexico with them and she drives back to her apartment. She runs outside and Jack is waiting for him. She calls him a dick and yells at him. He slaps her and hypes up how great Whitman is. Jack has been paid off by Whitman and he tries to kidnap Martha. She whacks him with a giant sock and tries to run away. She runs into the street and gets ran over by a truck.*
Warlock: The End?
Neyz: Not quite.
*Annie is there at the hospital. Martha wakes up with a ring on her finger and Whitman calls Annie sis. He then sings “I Wanna Know What Love Is” by Foreigner*
Neyz: I wanna puke.
*Later on that night Martha rips out her IV, sneaks her clothes on while Whitman snores away in a chair. Martha escapes out the window and jumps in a car. Its Bob and Inga. She makes Bob pull her hair against Bob’s will.*
Warlock: Who’s more insane, Whitman or these two?
*Inga ties Martha to a stone slab. She squirts maple syrup on Martha and goes to dump ants on her…but they’re dead. Inga goes to cut her heart out with the world’s smallest pocket knife. Whitman shows up with a Winchester rifle and says in a Western accent that Inga should put down the knife. She refuses and Whitman shoots her in the arm before blowing the smoke out of the rifle. Bob stands over Martha with the karate kid crane technique and Whitman says “Don’t make me shoot you too Bob!” Bob “Ah okay. Bob and Inga walk away*
Warlock: We’ve gone from a hideous romantic comedy to the world’s worst Western.
*Whitman carries Martha to an RV. He says its their RV. Inside are Nicole (Victoria Elena Flores) and Cody (Jonathan Hernandez). Whitman says they’re Consuela’s kids.*
Warlock: He kidnapped children and now her.
*Whitman says they’re going to be married in Mexico. She tries to get the kids off the RV but they both pull guns on her*
Warlock: Holy shit they’ve gone straight outta Compton.
*Whitman drives to Mexico with the kids who shoot each other with their guns….water guns that is*
*Whitman reveals he put on the wrong song on the jukebox when he first met her.*
Warlock: Wow, the plot revealed?
*Whitman reveals he drugged her and she starts tweaking. Whitman plays along. Says she’ll love him as a ghost.*
Warlock: Ironically, Bill Pullman was in Casper the year before.
*Nicole walks in with her gun. Martha tells her to go find a lizard*
Warlock: The dialogue is astounding.
*Martha calls Walter who’s playing Tetris on Gameboy. She tells him to get a gun and meet him at Los Cabos. He says Whitman told him she may try something like that.*
Warlock: Wow, this is like Fight Club only dumb and years before.
*Martha walks outside the RV where a goat walks by as Nicole is ready to lead her down the isle to the church*
Warlock: That goat won best supporting actor.
*Martha’s parents are in the front row along with Mrs Crawford and Jack. The Priest (Frank Lugo) goes into the ceremony. Whitman says “I do”, Martha stalls until Walter walks in with a gun. He slow motion runs down the isle until he trips and falls, landing on his head. The gun flies through the air and Martha catches it. She demands Nicole drops her gun and Nicole squirts her in the mouth.*
Warlock: Bang you’re dead!
*Martha fires a round that unintentionally makes Mrs Crawford stop her foot tapping. She kicks Whitman in the shin and she says she wants her life back. She tells him its over and he finally gets it. He goes to give her a hug and she shoots him.*
Warlock: Bye bye Bill.
*Martha lights up a smoke and tells the rest of the story to the cops. The cops go to take her into custody and load her back into a cruiser. Walter commandeers it and drives away…after he had already slashed the tires of the other cruisers*
*Martha says he can’t do this because she shot Whitman. Walter speaks in a really bad John Wayne voice that she didn’t shoot him. She missed completely and it was Inga with a sniper rifle that tagged him. Martha asks how he knows this, he said Bob told him. Sure enough, Bob meets up with Walter and tells them to head west on a horse. Bob says goodbye as Martha kisses Walter. Martha makes Walter get on the horse as she throws the ring away. She walks beside the horse as a graphic read that Martha and Walter made it across the border. Inga ordered Bob to marry her and now have an exotic pet store in Albuquerque. Whitman recovered, got on his boat and sailed home*
*The End, end credits*
Warlock: We MADE ITT!!!!!!!
Neyz: About time.
Neyzor Blades’ assessment: Kill me. Not her best work, not his best work. 3 out of 10.
Warlock’s assessment: That was seriously stupid. The script was terrible and Pullman had to pretty much carry Ellen through the movie. It makes perfect sense that she came out of the closet because they had zero chemistry. She didn’t have any with John Livingston either. The soundtrack was good and it was a Hollywood production so no sense squawking about the camera work. I give it a 4 out of 10 and do not recommend it.
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10….Garbage
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: I’ve heard of romantic comedies….THAT was not it.
Neyz: I think I may barf now.
Warlock: That about wraps up another craptastic adventure. There you go Neyz, we’re now even for Evil Bong 3.
Neyz: EVEN? This was just as bad as that! This is hardly even.
Warlock: I figured…
Neyz: You figured? WAIT..YOU KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO SUCK???
*Neyz continues to rant and rave as Warlock covers his ears*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.