*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a white t-shirt and sneakers, blue jeans, black leather jacket and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of Barq’s root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates and does a 360 in the air before walking into the lair*
Warlock: Most people right now are in theaters watching Creed, or SPECTRE, or Peanuts. Others are watching blu rays of Avatar, The Avengers, Zombieland or other great, great movies. Others can pop in DVD’s of The Terminator, American Pie and Lethal Weapon……not us.
*Mr. America is siting on the right side of the couch. He’s wearing his standard camo gear. He’s tapping his foot impatiently*
America: Yeah….we don’t get to watch good movies. Noooo, can’t have that. We have to watch garbage. Tell the folks what we’re watching.
Warlock: Tonight…..instead of good movies, we watch OOGA BOOGA!
*Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner wearing his usual suit. His arms are folded and he’s tapping his foot as well.*
Warlock: Yes. Ooga Booga.
America: Good god.
*Warlock takes his seat*
Warlock: Now look fellas, you know the deal.We watch the movies..
America and Wallstreet: *Together* So they don’t have to.
Warlock: That’s the spirit! So without further delay, lets get started with Ooga Booga.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Ooga Booga follows an innocent African American medical student who is brutally murdered by dirty cops, but his soul is magically transferred into an action figure named Ooga Booga.”
Wallstreet: I like it
America: Not to be confused with Ooga Chaka.
Warlock: HOOKED ON A FEEEEEELING….wait.
America: This movie is one feeling you don’t want to be hooked on.
*Full Moon Features*
America: Better than that damn bridge from the 8-pack*
*Tribal theme opening*
Wallstreet: Called that one.
America: What hair!
*Opening credits pretty much have still pictures from the upcoming movie*
Warlock: I’ll try to pretend I didn’t see that.
*Movie opens with crappy public access show with kids screaming for Hambo (Chance A Readen) while Peggy Suey (Amber Strausser) is mad. Hambo is reading Playboy and drinking. Director (Gregory Blair) barges in and asks what’s he doing*
America: What do you think he’s doing? I’m still waiting to see how this plays into the story.
Warlock: The movie just started, just wait a minute.
*Hambo makes his appearance and motorboats Peggy Suey*
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Little girl punches Hambo in the dick. Hambo: Owwwww my wiener!”
Warlock and America: Hahahahhaa.
*Director yells cut and fires Hambo. He calls Hambo a butthole.*
Warlock: Wow, wonderful dialogue.
*Hambo pukes all over the ground. Kids go ewwwww*
*Devin (Wade F Wilson) walks in the door and says its over to Donna (Ciarra Carter). She thinks they’re breaking up but he says he’s passed medical school. He horribly acts before macking on her*
Warlock: That’s terrible acting.
*Devin says you have to put down the X-Box, gold teeth and restitution and make something of yourself.*
Warlock: Al Sharpton would be appalled.
*Devin and Donna mack each other on the couch but he answers his ringing phone*
America: Don’t do it!
*Hambo calls Devin to get over there now.*
Warlock: How would THEY be friends?
America: What? Head…hurting!
*Devin says he’s Hambo’s only friend*
America: You’re going to pass on HER…for HIM???
Wallstreet: Logic, or lack thereof…is astounding.
*Devin says she won’t regret this*
America: I don’t believe you.
*Hambo looks at his action figures before Devin walks in. Hambo says he’s been fired. Devin tries to give him a pep talk. Hambo says his only fans are Devin and Spider from a strip joint. Hambo says he’s useless but will dust off his Bad-Ass Dolls idea. Hambo shows off the action figures*
America: So this was their way to showcase product placement ads 20 minutes into the movie.
*Hambo shows off his dolls…a redneck named Joe Cracker. A hooker named Crack Whore. An asian named The Gook. A gay man as The Butt Pirate. Then Ooga Booga*
America: So racist.
Wallstreet: That’s amazing.
*Hambo hands Devin a 16 inch Ooga Booga doll and says its a prototype. Hambo sends him away and looks over his doll collection. He says they’re going to make him rich*
Warlock: I don’t believe him.
America: Neither do I.
*Devin drops by a convenience store and the Clerk (Kyle Quesnoy) tells him the Slurpees are in the back.*
*Devin says “If this thing electrocutes me…I’m gonna be so pissed.”
Warlock: Terrible acting.
*3 white gang members Zero (Patrick Holder), Skeez (Maddox) and Boner (Tom Massmann) rob the store and the Clerk nonchalantly opens the register. Skeez shoots him in the head*
America: The guy took a round to the head, he’s not getting up.
Wallstreet: The guy was an ass anyway.
*Devin calls the police and Officer White (Gregory Niebel) and Officer Benny (Corey MacIntosh) go to arrest him. White makes racist remarks and throws him against the Slushie machine. Devin calls him a crooked bastard and Benny tries to play the voice of reason. The slushy machine goes off and White shoots Devin dead. Benny calls him a redneck sonovabitch. White says if he goes down, Benny goes with him. He asks if he’s dead then puts a round in Devin’s head with Benny’s gun*
Warlock: Well there are the heels for the movie.
*Benny and White leave as the electric Slushy machine transfers the soul of Devin into Ooga Booga*
Wallstreet: We have a circuit.
Warlock: I’ll never look at 7-11 the same again.
*Ooga Booga (Bob Ramos) gets up and leaves*
America: That’s a shocker.
*Judge Marks (Stacy Keach) says case closed. He tells Benny and White that they’d be in jail with the coons and spics if White didn’t steal the security camera footage. Benny says he didn’t take the tape. Marks says it doesn’t matter, just keep it hidden. Marks tells White to be invisible and stay out of trouble*
Warlock: Wouldn’t be much of a movie if he did.
*Donna watches on TV the cover-up of Devin’s murder and says somehow she’ll bring justice to his name. All of a sudden the window blows open.*
America: Is that Ooga Booga?
Wallstreet: Must be!
*Ooga Booga chases Donna around*
Wallstreet and America: Hahahahaha
*Zero and his buddies have the tape…only they rip it up and smoke it*
America: I don’t get these guys.
*Donna walks out of the bathroom with a plunger and a curling iron. America and Wallstreet make Ooga Booga noises*
*Ooga Booga uses his spear to etch the name “Devin” into the coffee table. Donna asks if Devin sent him. Ooga says he IS Devin. She faints*
America: Ok, that’s pretty fair.
*Donna wakes up on the couch with a towel on her head. She sees Ooga Booga*
America: Hello! Wakey wakey!
*Donna asks if he’s there to kill her. Ooga shakes his head no.*
Warlock: Miscommunication earlier.
*Booga points to the paper of White and Benny being cleared of murder. Warlock nods along with Ooga Booga. She asks how he became Ooga Booga, he shrugs*
America: I dunnooooo
Warlock: Ya got me.
America: I know one thing he can do that he’s got down to a science….
*America and Wallstreet start flailing their arms*: Oooganoogaboogaooogaabooga!
Warlock: Will you stop! I’ll have you taken out of here!
*Ooga Booga smokes a joint and offers it to Donna*
Warlock: Neyzor Blades will love that.
*Angry Neighbor (Dallas James) barges into Donna’s apartment as Ooga Booga listens to a boom box and smokes. Neighbor “I knew this place was going to pot when I saw you jungle bunnies moving in here.”
Wallstreet and Warlock: Ohhhhhh
*Neighbor makes several racist comments and calls out Devin. Ooga Booga hides behind the curtain. Neighbor opens it and Booga scares him down. Ooga then stabs him in the forehead*
America: Honey, please explain this dead body in your apartment.
*A homeless bum (Charles Hutchins) asks Donna for money. She then runs into Zero and his gang. They mug her with a knife. Skeez holds her as Boner laughs. Boner then rapes her in the alley way*
Warlock: No Ooga Booga?
America: What gives??
*Ooga Booga is chilling on the couch as Donna staggers in. She hands the keys to Ooga as the screen fades*
Warlock: Time for vengeance.
*Donna showers naked and Ooga Booga looks on, jacking it*
Warlock: This is not the worst movie of all time.
Wallstreet: He’s cranking one out! Listen to him!
America: Pause for important research.
*They pause with Donna standing there naked*
America: Want to make sure we don’t miss anything.
Warlock: Yes, we don’t want anything to slip through her crack…errr the cracks.
Wallstreet: Oh come on guys.
*Ooga finishes as the screen fades*
America: Is he going for round 2?
Warlock: Give him a few hours.
*Marks calls White into his chambers. Marks says they have business to attend to. Marks tells White to watch over the local meth lab. White says he’ll check it out. Marks: “Damn right you will, now git!”
*Donna comes out of the shower and rations with Ooga that White is dirty and do some investigation of their own.*
America: So far you haven’t done shit!
*White walks up to Zero’s trailer park. Sign on door “Office, do not ring bell if I’m watching my shows!!”
*Mrs Allardyce (Karen Black) answers the door. White hits on her and follows her inside*
Warlock: She must have died just after this movie. It was released the year she passed.
America: How old is she here?
Warlock: 74 at the time.
*Allardyce says he’s Officer White from the tv show. White: “Brains AND beauty!”
America: Oh god.
*Allardyce: A tv show in my house!”
America: If this is a tv show let me know when its cancelled.
*Allardyce offers him some velvet crumb cake and says to stay a while*
Wallstreet: At this point I’d be running out the door.
*White says he’s there for information. He’s looking for Skeez. Allardyce says he must be undercover. She says Skeez’ place smells like a wet gorilla*
*Skeez, Zero and Boner party with Skank (Siri)*
Warlock: Hey its Siri.
*White barges in with Zero cooking up meth right in front of here. White says he’s here on business. White tells him to pick up the pace with the drugs and hooking. White pulls Zero by the noise*
Wallstreet: Moe Howard does that.
*Boner says White jacks people up. Boner: “He’s the smartest one in the bunch.” Skeez “No more screwups, we’ll sell drugs and hookers!”
Warlock: The acting is ABYSMAL!
*White says if they screw up, Judge Marks will find others to increase revenue.*
Warlock: Alright this is taking too long, can we progress now?
*White goes and gets some action from Siri*
*Meanwhile Donna walks down the street carrying a large bag*
America: Are you hiding Ooga Booga?
Warlock: Nooooo, can’t be!
America: The bag doesn’t seem roomy.
Warlock: That bag won best supporting actor!
*Donna says wait and see*
America: See? He’s in the bag. He can’t see anything.
*Allardyce lets Donna in to use her phone. Donna opens the bag and uses the phone. Allardyce hopes Officer White is on tonight. Allardyce starts grilling Donna. Ooga Booga escapes the bag and sees racist memorabilia and sees red. He steals the master key to all trailers. Allardyce says White killed Devin on tv and brought him to justice. She throws Donna out and Donna says now what? Ooga Booga hides among the stuffed animals*
Warlock: Ripping off ET much?
*Booga goes “obehaabeehshsshshs” and chases after Allardyce around the trailer with an Ooga Booga theme song*
Warlock: This is awful yet hilarious.
*Booga pops up next to her and cuts her eye out*
America: She didn’t see that one coming.
Warlock: I see what you did there.
*Outside Donna says good work to Ooga Booga as she hears White making his exit from Skeez’s trailer. Meanwhile Zero dances with Skank. A knock on the door has Skeez mad. He answers and its Donna.*
Warlock: He’s got a confederate flag on the door. Another one of those “keel da white man” movies.
*Donna says she needs a minute to prepare herself. She opens the bag with Ooga Booga. Zero is skeptical. Ooga Booga pops up and his eyes glow red. Donna shoots Boner in the head and Zero in the chest. She’s out of ammo and Skeez pulls a knife on her. Skeez asks what that thing was and Donna says its her boyfriend. She knees Skeez in the gonads and Ooga Booga drops the meth cooker on Skeez, melting his face*
Warlock: There’s your horrible death, Wallstreet.
Wallstreet: Boner and Zero got off easy.
America: Too easy.
*Back at Devin’s apartment, Donna laments letting White get away*
America: You didn’t do shit to stop him, what do you mean let him get away?
Wallstreet: You failed!!
*Donna asks how they can get to White, Ooga stabs the picture of Benny. Donna: “Maybe we should pay this little piggy a visit.”
*Donna asks where her wallet is. Officer White walks into Skeez’s apartment and finds everybody dead.*
America: Well your profits are definitely cut into now.
Wallstreet: Look, Zero is still breathing
Warlock: HORRIBLE acting!
*White asks what happened rhetorically*
America: Well they’re not gonna answer.
*White finds Donna’s wallet and walks out.*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*White puts Donna’s wallet in front of Marks. White asks what to do about her. Marks yells at him and tells him to remove her from this world. White: “With pleasure.”
Warlock: Final showdown?
Wallstreet: Its coming!
*Benny walks into his apartment and sees Donna. Benny recognizes her. Benny “I don’t want any trouble.” Ooga raises his spear at him. Benny squeals and blames White. Benny: “He’d kill me if I ever squealed. I have a wife and children.”
*Donna finds a picture of Benny’s wife and kids, they’re black. He says he’s a horrible cop but a good man.”
Warlock: Oh boy, a face turn.
*Benny says White will be coming after her. The camera closes on Ooga Booga and she says “Let him come after me.”
Warlock and Wallstreet make Ooga noises
*Donna walks into her apartment and White is there, pistol whipping her down. He goes to kill Donna but Ooga pops up. He makes Ooga Booga noises and chases White around.*
*Donna whacks White over the head with a fire extinguisher. She goes to shoot him and he says that Judge Marks is the mastermind. Ooga spears White in the ear and Donna puts an apple in his mouth. Ooga slides the spear all the way into White’s brain, killing him*
Warlock: Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Wallstreet: Now for the king pin.
*Donna asks if the business is finished. Ooga shrugs. Donna: “I love you Devin” and she kisses him*
Warlock: Awwww, puppet porn.
*Next frame is in Judge Marks’ chambers. He’s on the phone with someone and he can’t locate White. He smells something and says its “skunk weed.”
Warlock: Sgt Stedenko’s back.
*Marks taunts Ooga Booga and Ooga spears him in the eye, killing him*
Wallstreet: That’s his signature way of killing people isn’t it?
Warlock: An eye for an eye.
*Donna reads the paper that says “Judge Murder Still Unsolved”
Warlock: Dancer murdered, Prancer held for questioning.
*Donna gets a suitcase. She opens it and its full of cash. Its from Hambo, he’s struck it rich in China with the bad-ass dolls. This is his thank you to Devin.*
Warlock: Great, she’s set for life. Yay!
*Credits roll for about 5 seconds before we go back to the scene where Donna kisses Ooga only he speaks. “Wanna know why they call me finger puppet?”
Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: The last 30 minutes was great but the whole movie was kind of a snooze. It was kind of boring. I give it a 5 out of 10
Mr. America’s assessment: OOHGEBASHEAGAGEHSAHAGAAHHAAA!!!! 3 out of 10
The Warlock’s assessment: I had a blast actually. I didn’t take it seriously so I wasn’t disappointed. It made me laugh from beginning to end and I thought the bad guys got their comeuppance accordingly. I give it a 6 out of 10.
Final Grade: 4.5 – Below Average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Now that’s more like it. I had a lot of fun and it was interesting to say the least. Its not a movie to take seriously and I sure didn’t. Well that about wraps up….
*All of a sudden the lights dim*
Warlock: I didn’t do it!
*All of a sudden Ooga Booga pops up from behind the couch doing his ooga booga noises. Warlock, America and Wallstreet look at each other. Instead of getting scared, they join in*
*Ooga runs in a circle and they all follow him in the circle*
*Ooga runs out with Wallstreet and America. Warlock turns to the camera*
Warlock: OEHEGAGAGAOEAGAGGAOOOGABOOAHGGA! *translated: Have a pleasant evening*
*Bonus edit. A few days later The Warlock’s father The Grand Wizard had this to say*
Grand Wizard: So wait…a man is killed by the cops so he transfers his soul into a doll? Sound familiar?
Warlock: What do you mean?
Grand Wizard: Sounds like Child’s Play to me.
Warlock: Sonovabitch…they stole the whole idea.