50. Rabid Grannies (1988)

index

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black Men’s Warehouse suit with white undershirt, black tie, black shoes and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire from his wrist, makes the building rumble, dims the lights and levitates off the ground before entering the lair*

Warlock: Tonight is a special night. It’s our 50th episode special here at the Realm.

*Mr. America is wearing a black Joseph A Bank suit, white undershirt, black shoes, black tie and aviator shades. He’s sitting on the right side of the couch*

America: Has it really been 50?

Warlock: No, 49, tonight is the 50th.

America: Noooooo, ya dont say!

*Mr. Wallstreet is wearing a black Nehru suit, white undershirt, black dress shoes,  black Oakley shades and a black tie. He’s sitting in the recliner reading USA Today*

Mr. Wallstreet: So what ARE we doing for the 50th episode?

Warlock: Glad you asked. Tonight we are doing Rabid Grannies.

Mr. Wallstreet: Rabid….Grannies.

Mr. America: You have got to be kidding me.

Warlock: Its a Troma film.

Mr. America: Oh ok.

Wallstreet: Wait, what’s that?

Warlock: Troma films were known for their outstanding special effects. If nothing else, it should be entertaining to look at.

Wallstreet: Ohhhhh.

*Warlock takes his seat on the left side of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get this party started, Rabid Grannies.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “When given a demonic present by their black sheep nephew two kindly old grannies are transformed into demons who proceed to gorily knock-off their greedy relatives.”

America: I got nothing.

 

*Troma opening sequence*

Warlock: If nothing else, it has the Troma opening.

 

*Movie opens with grainy opening credits*

Wallstreet: This should be interesting.

 

*Father Percival (Robert Du Bois) tells Reverand Father (Raymond Lescot) that he needs to leave the monastery to see his aunts Victoria (Anne-Marie Fox) and Elizabeth (Danielle Draven) for their birthday*

Warlock: So they’re twins?

 

*Movie immediately cuts to large mansion with elegant music*

America: I feel as though I should be at a fancy table setting drinking tea and having crumpets.

 

*Victoria and Elizabeth tell the taxi driver (Le Pepe) not to drink too much*

Warlock: Oh jesus, its dubbed in English. This really is a French movie.

 

*One of the grannies gives a bottle of hooch to a blind man*

Warlock: Made his night, that’s for sure.

 

*Montage showing the two old ladies going to church and telling Radu (Sebastian Radovitch) they’ll be late for tea*

Warlock: Can’t have that.

 

*Ms Barnstable (Paule Herreman) yells at Alice (Patricia Davia) to pluck the pheasants. They gossip about how people around town are talking shit about the grannies*

America: They’re LIARS!

 

*Barnstable says she can talk and pluck at the same time*

America: Its called multi-tasking!

 

*Fred (Guy Van Reit) and wife drive toward mansion. They establish themselves as spoiled heels.*

Warlock: Here’s your villains.

Wallstreet: He’s speaking English with overdubbed voice.

 

*Two whiny kids bitch about who’s eating cookies*

America: Learn to shareeeee! Greedy little bastards.

Wallstreet: What would King Solomon do? He’d cut the bear in half!

 

*The father steals the cookies, eats one and drives off*

Warlock: That’s the worst car I’ve ever seen.

 

*Dude in Suit shows off a toy tank.*

Wallstreet: I like his tie, perfect knot.

America: Ooooh its a tiger tank!

 

*Bertha (Florine Elslande) rides bike to party*

America: The camera is so unstable I can’t tell if its just making it look like random jerkiness or just really bad editing.

Warlock: I’ll say option A.

 

*Mr. Hairdo (Michel Lombet) in a Ferrari runs over Bertha*

Warlock: Wow what an asshole.

America: Bike lady, meet Mr. Hairdo.

 

*Erika and her girlfriend drive to the party. One says she’d rather be in bed while putting her hand on the other’s knee*

Wallstreet: Progressive for 1988.

 

*Fred calls Mr. Hairdo an imbecile as he cuts off Fred. Fred beeps at him and calls him a little shit*

Wallstreet and America: Haahhaahahaha

 

*Erika (Bobette Jouret) calls Mr. Hairdo by the name Roger*

Warlock: Finally we got a name.

 

*Radu carries Fred, the two lesbians and Roger’s bags*

Wallstreet: That tie is horrible.

America: For once I agree with Wallstreet, that tie is garbage.

 

*Radu tells Roger his room is at the end of the corridor. Roger: Ok, Radu…thanks.”

Warlock: That’s either really bad dubbing or funny dialogue.

 

*Roger hits on the lesbian. She rejects him. He wants to buy her from Erika. She slaps him.*

America: You deserved that.

 

*She calls him a poor excuse for a man. He backs her up, exposes her breast and they start going at*

Warlock: This is not the worst movie of all time.

 

*She strips to her underwear and the scene cuts*

Warlock: Awwww come on.

America: I thought she was lesbian.

Wallstreet: I guess not.

 

*Father Percival is seated in the middle of the two brats*

Warlock: Poor dude.

 

*Barnstable and Alice look over a lobster*

Warlock: Its saying “get out of my face. Gahhh!”

 

*Bald dude laughs hysterically as Fred’s wife tells him to shut up without saying so*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Helen (Catherine Aymerie) looks elegant*

Warlock: Her outfit costs as much as Fred’s grocery bill.

 

*Erika yells at her girlfriend*

America: She’s on to you.

 

*Percival goes to stab the little boy on the hand. Elizabeth stops him*

Warlock: That would have been fucking AWESOME if he did that.

America: He would have deserved it.

 

*Alice is too chicken to go answer the gate. Barnstable calls her a stupid twit*

Wallstreet: Move it!

 

*Alice walks to the gate*

America: I’ll give Alice that, it is pretty dark.

 

*Alice confronts Woman (Cindy Rimoe). Woman: “Open this gateeeeee”

America: Open this gate or I shall continue to stare blankly!

 

*Creepy woman hands Alice a box and says to give it to the Remington sisters*

Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

America: “Nah, we’re all set. Keep the box.”

Wallstreet: THE END!

 

*Barnstable asks what’s in the box, a time bomb?*

Warlock: HAAAHAHAHAHAHA.

 

*Fred’s drunk wife admits she married Fred.*

America: She’s had a little bit TOOOO much to drink.

 

*Fred takes the wine glass away*

Wallstreet: That’s enough for you.

 

*Erika calls her girlfriend a little whore*

Warlock: I gotta side with her there.

 

*Bertha says the box is sickening*

Warlock: They haven’t even opened it yet.

 

*The table guests asks and ponder who delivered the present. Bald guy laughs again*

Warlock: Wowwww

 

*Elizabeth and Victoria open their presents while everyone else looks bored to tears.*

Wallstreet: Oh gosh.

 

*Victoria: Here’s to another 20 years! Fred’s wife: God help us”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Victoria reads the letter and its from their nephew Christopher. Everyone at the table yells how much Christopher sucks. Bald Guy is named John (Elie Lison). Roger tells the lesbian that Christopher was a satanist and a cult leader*

Warlock: Well now it all makes sense.

 

*Grannies open Christopher’s box and its a wooden box. They open it and there’s nothing in it.*

Wallstreet: What was in the box?

Warlock: Nothing.

 

*Radu brings out the cake, they all sing. The kids blow out the candles*

America: Yayyyy.

 

*Fred’s wife is named Jessica (Francoise Loureaux) and she sings as the box secretes a smoke*

Wallstreet: You call that singing?

 

*The two grannies take a sip of their wines and they start looking pissed.*

America: What a grimacing face!

 

*Barnstable tells Radu to check on the horses. Tells Alice to bring in the laundry. Radu checks on the horse Wendy*

America: Hi Wendy.

Warlock: Alright, who’s best supporting actor, the candlestick on the table or Wendy the horse?

Wallstreet: Wendy the horse.

America: I go candlestick.

Warlock: Oh boy, a draw. My vote comes later.

 

*Little girl tells her mom she has to go to the toilet. The grannies look comatose*

Wallstreet: Look at them!

 

*John and Bertha sing as Elizabeth sprouts a claw out of her finger*

Warlock: There’s your Troma special effects.

 

*Elizabeth and Victoria turn into monsters (Joelle Morane and Suzane Vanina). Victoria eats Erika.*

Warlock: Wow, a little early to wipe out everybody.

Wallstreet: We’re only 36 minutes into it.

America: They’re not gonna just sit there and go “Ok, I’ll just stay here and get eaten.”

 

*Everybody scatters and runs away. Alice is thrown out a window into the car. Barnstable loves it. Percival runs upstairs*

Wallstreet: What an idiot, he should be running out the door.

 

*Elizabeth runs into the kitchen where Barnstable and Radu are having chow.*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Most of the group have barricaded themselves in their rooms. John: “Listen lesbian, shut the hell up!!!”

Warlock and America: HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA!!

Wallstreet: That would be hate speech today.

America: PC Police would have a field day with this guy.

 

*Percival knocks on John’s door. They won’t let him in. Percival “I wouldn’t be answering your questions if they were behind me!” They let him in. John’s wife is named Helen (Catherine Aymerie) Percival “John you can shove your confessions up your bum!”

Wallstreet and Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Fred tells Bertha to stop crying. He doesn’t believe the grannies are real. He walks out the door to prove it*

America: You’re dead.

 

*Loud screams are heard, Fred runs back in all scratched up. Fred: “They exist”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Jessica and Roger walk down the hall together. A full moon is shown*

Warlock: No, the Full Moon is the NEXT movie.

 

*Roger: We’ve got to get outta here.”

America: That’s an understatement.

 

*Jessica says she’s got Fred’s car. Roger says let’s go. Jessica asks about the others”

America: Leave them for dead.

Wallstreet: Nevermind them, you two will be the sole recipients of the will.

 

*Victoria spouts claws as Jessica and Roger split up. Next scene shows them going underground*

Warlock: That was really shoddy editing.

 

*A hand comes out of the water*

Warlock: Kick it! Field goal!

 

*Roger and Jessica make it to Fred’s car as Victoria chases them. Fred drives off but Victoria holds on.*

Warlock: Swerve you idiots!

 

*Victoria kills Roger by snapping his neck and taunts Jessica. Victoria wants Jessica to sing….bitch*

Warlock: Heh.

 

*Jessica sings Happy Birthday and Victoria says she can go. Jessica gets out of the car and limps for it. Victoria then drives into Jessica and crushes her against a gate*

Warlock: 3 down, a host to go.

 

*John yells at Percival to perform an exorcism. John calls him a worm instead of doing something. Percival: “The inquisition was not my fault”*

Warlock: I gotta side with him on that one.

 

*Helen figures out little Suzie (Caroline Braeckman) is still in the toilet. Suzie walks down the hallway, Elizabeth calls out to her. Suzie trips and falls. She walks into an old playroom, Suzie “Can I play here?” Elizabeth “Of course, if you give me a kiss first.”

America: Don’t do it!

 

*Elizabeth sits Suzie on the lap. Suzie “Can I play with you?” Elizabeth “You’re already playinggggg”

Wallstreet: I think its only the adults they’re after, not the little girl.

Warlock: I highly doubt that.

 

*John yells at Helen for being a Remington as the lesbian tells them both to shut up and go look for Suzie*

Warlock: Good point.

 

*Helen: I don’t know what’s happening. We’re all going crazy!”

Warlock: Going?

 

*John says the rest should go, he’ll stay and keep watch.”

Warlock: What a coward!

America: You idiot.

 

*Percival freaks out and tells her not to go. Helen calls him a selfish, phony bastard and holds a dagger to his dick. Tells him he’s going after her father, if he tries to stop him she’ll knife his two holy orbs*

Warlock: So far she’s the best character in the movie.

 

*Percival is yelled at by Lesbian as her, Helen and the son leave Percival and John behind*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Helen, lesbian and the son look up the stairs as a foot is thrown down the stairs. She makes it to the top and finds the two grannies holding a legless, lifeless Suzie. The camera does a 360*

Warlock: I’m getting sea-sick.

America: I’m getting dizzy.

 

*The boy is finally named Gilbert (Richard Cotica). Helen has him in her arms when another Gilbert appears. Apparently Elizabeth transformed into a Gilbert clone and then bites Helen’s fingers off*

Warlock: So now they can transform??

Wallstreet: This makes no sense.

 

*Lesbian slaps Helen and makes it inside another room with the real Gilbert. Elizabeth says she’s going to cut up John. Someone disguises their voice as John to fool Lesbian. She knows better. An insane Helen laughs at the screaming. Lesbian grabs a cross off the wall, opens the door and only Victoria and Elizabeth are there. Victoria tries to come through the door and Gilbert throws holy water on her. Victoria says that only works in the movies. Lesbian stabs Victoria in the eye with the cross*

Warlock: Told you this had good special effects.

 

*John says he’s going after his wife and kids, he calls Percival a wuss. He leaves as Percival barricades himself in, the last one left.*

Warlock: “Ah well, at least I have some humanity left”

 

*Meanwhile a drunk Fred and Bertha yell at each other as Dude in Suit tells him he’s trash. Fred laments that he’s out of booze. John knocks on the door, he comes in. John “I’m glad to see you.” Fred “My ass.”

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*John goes to strangle Fred and Dude in Suit holds him back. Dude guesses they’re the only four left alive.*

Warlock: I’m going to guess that the Dude in Suit is named Harvey (Jacques Mayer) and the lesbian is Rachel (Francoise Moens).

 

*Harvey says to split up*

America: Never works….

 

*Harvey and Fred go to check the basement. John and Bertha check the kitchen. John and Bertha find the corpse of Barnstable as Radu is still alive. Bertha screams as John picks Radu up*

Warlock: One down, one alive.

Wallstreet: Of the original kitchen crew, only one survives.

 

*Fred says we won’t find anyone alive*

America: What a shock.

 

*Fred compares their situation to the fly and the spider*

Warlock: Little late for philsophy here, there’s only 22 minutes left.

 

*Fred says he’s going to go through the small gate. Harvey says he’s too fat to get through*

Wallstreet: What a meal he’ll be.

 

*Harvey tries to pull Fred out, they insult each other*

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Elizabeth and Victoria hear them and make their way to the basement. Harvey tells Fred the spiders have arrived and he hides behind a wall. Grannies eat Fred as Harvey throws up. He stands and screams. He calls them gargoyles and threatens to kill them. He runs up the stairs, grabs a shotgun and an M-16*

America: I like how he came prepared.

Warlock: He’s gone straight outta compton.

 

*He goes berserk with a shotgun on the furnature and porcelain*

Warlock: Shooting the scenery is not going to help.

 

*He corners Victoria and unloads about 12 rounds into her, no effect. He uses the gun butt to knock her down*

America: What a sweep.

 

*Elizabeth walks out wearing a suit of armor*

Warlock: hahahaha

 

*Harvey unloads into Elizabeth but has no effect. She cuts his arm, and legs all off and sends him down the stairs. Percival cries in his room. John, Bertha and Radu stumble upon Harvey. John says to destroy the box. Radu says the box was their punishment for being leeches all these years. Radu says its his destiny to die here.  Victoria throws a liver, Radu slips on it and goes head first through the window. Bertha says to stop and look at Elizabeth and Victoria and how happy they are. John says he has an idea and walks away.*

Warlock: They’re pretty calm about this.

 

*Percival finally walks outside and is confronted by the grannies. Victoria hands the M-16 to him and they say they like his style. Tell him to shoot himself and make it quick. “Be strong once in your boring life!”

Warlock: Hah!

 

*Percival shoots and kills himself. Victoria says to Elizabeth “Ha! I won!”

Wallstreet: Who’s left?

Warlock: Gilbert, Rachel, Helen, John and Bertha I believe

 

*John picks up the box and says to head the chapel.*

Warlock: At least he’s got a plan.

 

*Victoria causes an earthquake. John hands Bertha the box and tells her to head to the chapel. Victoria literally snaps him in half*

Warlock: Ohhh yeahhhhh

Wallstreet: That was cool.

 

*Bertha bangs on the door but Rachel says to let her in. Rachel finally lets her in just in time. Bertha asks for a crucifix.  Bertha starts banging on the box with the cross. Smoke emits from it. Finally Bertha smashes it to pieces and Victoria turns back to normal.*

Warlock: WHAT????

Wallstreet: How do you explain this? You killed half your family.

Warlock: That’s the biggest bait and switch I’ve ever seen. Here comes the big head explosion….and its gone.

 

*A police inspector (Jonathan Rambert) gets their grannies statement. Meanwhile Helen is hauled off screaming. Gilbert and Rachel talk by the creek. Helen in the ambulance fidgets around.*

Wallstreet: She’s crazy.

Warlock: Wow, so the grannies live at the end, that’s amazing.

 

*Movie ends with Bertha turning into a demon and attacking the cab driver*

Warlock: So Suzie is dead?

America: Yeah.

 

*End credits with an upbeat 80’s theme*

Wallstreet: Heh. Do do doooo

Warlock: By the way guys, my vote for best supporting actor is….WENDY THE HORSE!

America: Boooooooo.

Wallstreet: Yay I win!

America: You have no idea how much light the candle shed on this production.

 

Mr. Wallstreet’s Assessment: I thought this movie was ahead of its time when it comes to gore and horror. I give it a 4 out of 10

Mr. America’s Assessment: Hmmm…I’m going to agree with Wallstreet on this one. Its pretty simple with a straightforward plot. It was quick to develop in the first 10 minutes. Pretty interesting gore and kill scenes. 4 out of 10.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I agree with both of you, only I won’t be so harsh with the number. I give it a 6 out of 10 because the dialogue was corny and hilarious on top of everything.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10…..Average

 

Bonus:

America: I feel bad for the hired help in this movie

Warlock: I’m not touching that Help Wanted sign after this.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was fun. Troma films were usually gory and gruesome and this one delivered. It lived up to its billing as hilariously stupid and fun. Definitely so bad its good. Well that wraps up the 50th episode special. Hopefully the next 50 will be just as entertaining.

America: You call Spirit Hunter or Watch Me entertaining?

Warlock: Shaddup….have a pleasant evening.

 

 

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