*The Warlock opens the door to his lair dressed as Scorpion from Mortal Kombat*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots a spear to the camera and pulls it in*
Warlock: GET OVER HEREEEE!!!
*Warlock enters the lair and Neyzor Blades is in the recliner reading MAD Magazine and whistling the Andy Griffith theme*
Warlock: Thanks for paying attention. Tonight’s fighting flick will be American Ninja 2: The Confrontation. The sequel to the first movie.
Neyz: Oh lovely.
*Warlock takes a seat on the couch*
Warlock: Joining us for a post-movie conference live via satelite will be the Grand Master of Martial Arts, Jon Blaze.
Neyz: Him again?
Warlock: Prepare yourselves, its American Ninja 2.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “On a remote Caribbean island, Army Ranger Joe Armstrong investigates the disappearance of several marines, which leads him to The Lion, a super-criminal who has kidnapped a local scientist and mass-produced an army of mutant Ninja warriors.”
Neyz: Actually sounds kind of interesting
*Opening credits are shown with a high speed motorcycle race*
Neyz: The soundtrack is less than par.
*The 3 bikers are 3 preppy looking men, one of them is named Tommy (Jonathan Pienaar). They walk into a bar. Some tough looking men in fatigues go in after them. A pier six brawl breaks out.*
Neyz: Pow…zap…biff! What the hell is going on here?
*Tommy stands in the corner as the tough guys wipe out the two other marines. The leader bangs on the door and two black ninjas come out and take the two marines away.*
Warlock: Oh god, these clowns again? I thought Joe finished them off in the first movie.
*Hiding behind a pinball machine watching everything is a boy named Toto (Elmo Fillis)*
Warlock: Watch out for tilt!
*Meanwhile a plane lands and out comes a bunch of people then Joe (Michael Dudikoff) and Jackson (Steve James) step off*
Neyz: I feel I’m on Gulla Gulla Island with this music
*Two Carribean officers notify someone on the phone that Joe and Curtis are there.*
Neyz: So they notify the army over a bar brawl?
*Tommy and Charlie (Larry Poindexter) pick up Jackson and Armstrong. They’re expecting marines but Joe and Curtis are Army Rangers*
Warlock: Guess they’ve been promoted since the last movie.
Neyz: Who would ever trust these goons?
*The foursome go for a drive. Charlie says the car is on loan from his commanding officer Wild Bill (Jeff Celentano). Jackson: “I know that I’m not gonna like it here.” All of a sudden some girls in bikinis show up. “I think I’m gonna like it here.”
Warlock: Hahaha tune changer.
*Tommy gives them the cold shoulder but Charlie says not to mind him. They go up to the base where they run into Toto. Everyone introduces each other. Next frame a portly lieutenant leads Jackson and Armstrong into Bill’s office. He’s wearing a Hawaiian vest and shorts throwing a ball around. Bill says marines are assigned to protect the embassy. The casual clothing is supposed to throw off any suspicious locals. He says 4 marines are missing and Toto told him that 2 “giant men in strange black suits” were kidnapping his men. Jackson and Joe look at each other.*
Neyz: Oh no, not again.
*Bill says that he called Washington for help and they sent Jackson and Armstrong. The C.O. dismisses them and Charlie invites them to go water skiing. Jackson “Yeah why not?”*
Warlock: Hey Neyz, want to go water skiing?
*Back at the boat, Charlie introduces Charlie, Toto and Bert (Gavin van den Berg). Charlie “Bert’s sister is soooo fine!” Joe extends his hand but Bert gives him the cold shoulder. Jackson: “Our fanclub is beginning to grow”*
Warlock: So he’s more mad at Joe for no reason than Charlie saying his sister is hot.
Neyz: Priorities man.
*Jackson, Charlie, Joe, Tommy and Bert steer a boat and Charlie says to take it to shore. Bert wants to go to a certain island. Charlie: “Aren’t you still married?” Bert “Just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.”
Neyz: Don’t even think about it.
*Tommy waits till everyone falls asleep and then cuts the motor line. Charlie says to swim for it but Joe is suspicious.*
Neyz: I smell a rat.
*Bert, Tommy and Charlie take apart the motor and Charlie can’t find anything wrong. Bert wants to swim again and Joe doesn’t like it. He tells Jackson keep in mind on Taylor.*
Neyz: Keep an eye on Taylor he’s doing some shady gay shit!
*Joe reconnects the motor and looks around, suddenly the black ninjas appear.*
Neyz: Them again!
*Joe makes a run for it but is caught by the ninjas. He fights his way free but the ninjas make a human ladder to chase after him.*
Warlock: That’s pretty cool.
Neyz: I don’t give a shit.
*The leader of the ninjas pounds his fist and one of them throws a spear at Joe, who catches it and impales another charging ninja. Another one bullrushes him against a rock as an archer aims to fire. Joe ducks and the archer shoots his own man. Joe beats up the rest of the ninjas as Jackson goes back to look for him. Sure enough he’s attacked by ninjas as well. Jackson beats the crap out of them. Joe fights off yet another group of ninjas including catching an arrow out of mid-air and heaving a samurai dagger 100 feet in the air to nail the archer.*
Warlock: Once again, realistic goes right out the window.
*Joe and Curtis outrun yet ANOTHER group of ninjas and make it back to the boat*
Warlock: How many of these clowns are there?
*The ninja leader, Tojo Ken (Mike Stone) looks on as Joe gets away.*
Warlock: We will meet againnnnnnnnnn!
*Back at Bill’s office, he doesn’t believe Joe’s story about the ninjas. The sergeant laughs at them and Bill sends them all away except Joe and Curtis. Bill says he doesn’t buy it but Jackson says they have a lead. Bill tells them they have one week to solve the mystery. Outside the sarge gives them an earful and Charlie asks what’s going on. Meanwhile Tommy is on the phone with someone who tells him to watch for Joe because he’s a ninja. He wants Joe dead.*
Warlock: Doesn’t mess around huh?
*Tommy sneaks up on Joe in the middle of the night and tells him to meet the blind beggar tomorrow. Next day Joe rides his motorbike over to the Blind Beggar Bar where the other marines were kidnapped. Joe tries the front door but its locked. He looks in the alley where the seedy patrons from the beginning of the movie gang up on him. Joe beats the crap out of all of them and enters the bar. A really crappy song is playing.*
Neyz: This soundtrack sucks.
*Joe asks the ugly looking bartender where Tommy is. She tells him upstairs. Joe heads upstairs to Tommy’s room and Tommy meets him. Joe says he knows Tommy tried to set him up and Tommy says he has no choice. Suddenly the 7 seedy patrons barge in. Tommy hides in the corner.*
Warlock: 7 against 1…not very good odds.
Neyz: He’s a ninja right?
Warlock: Yeah, not good for the 7.
*Joe beats the crap out of the seven who attack him one by one.*
Warlock: Yeah, let’s not gang up on him, let’s go at him one at a time.
*Tommy makes a run for him but Joe catches him. Joe makes him spill the beans. Tommy says he’s under orders from Leo The Lion (Gary Conway) or else he’ll kill Tommy’s wife. Tommy says Leo owns the island and he made his money big time selling drugs. Tommy hears a noise and two ninjas spear him to death.*
Warlock: *Fake death* Ehhhhhhhhhh
*Back at the office, Joe gives Wild Bill his report that Tommy’s wife was taken to the island. Inspector Singh (Bill Curry) asks if he was involved in a drug trade. Bill: “Ninjas? Drug lords? This is beginning to get on my tits!”
Neyz: So is this movie.
*Next frame shows a tuba band playing a tune at an outdoor party. Joe, Sarge, Curtis, Charley and Wild Bill show up in their dress uniforms. They split up and Jackson goes and hits on a woman (Nava Halimi). Leo “The Lion” Burke shows up with Tojo in tow, Joe recognizes Leo. All of a sudden, Singh claims Joe killed Tommy and is wanted for questioning. Then Alicia Sanborn (Michelle Bottes) runs up and slaps Leo, claiming to Sir Smith (Dennis Folbiggie) and Inspector Singh that Leo is a murdering drug dealer. Naturally no one believes her and she’s whisked away. Wild Bill tells Curtis and Joe to go get the girl. Curtis “Lets kick some ass.”
Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene?
*Charlie drives off with Joe and Curtis after the car carrying Alicia. She’s taken to the Blind Beggar Bar. The trio enter the bar and the 7 thugs from before want to rumble. Alicia cries out for help and Joe goes after her. Curtis is surrounded but taunts them. “C’mon…C’mon ya midgets, come on!”*
Warlock and Neyz: Hahahaha
*Jackson and Charlie go to down on the thugs until all the thugs and even a woman pounce on him. He throws them all off with a bowling ball sound effect and shouts “SURPRISE!”*
Warlock: What the fuck was that?
*Alicia makes a run for it and Joe wipes out the guys leading her away. Meanwhile Jackson almost singlehandedly takes out the rest of the thugs. Charlie ducks as two ladies toss beer bottles at him with a Carribean soundtrack.*
Neyz: What the fuck is this carnival music?
*Jackson and Joe knock out a few more patrons as Charlie hops behind the bar, whacks one of the thugs with a beer bottle and pours a shot for a hot blonde woman sitting at the bar. She smashes a bottle over his head. Charlie “Guess that means lunch is out of the question.”
Warlock: This guy’s my hero.
*Charlie and Jackson team up to knock someone out as Alicia makes a run for it. Joe spots Tojo coming in and they lock eyes before Joe leaves. Tojo wipes out one of the patrons just for the heck of it.*
Warlock: Once again….we will meet againnnnnn!
*The trio run to Charlie’s car which is being taken apart by local thieves. They scare off the robbers and drive back to the ball. Sir Smith, Sarge, Singh, Wild Bill and Leo look on. Joe hides to avoid being detected and Jackson tells Singh that he disappeared. The Sarge spots Joe hiding but Wild Bill silences him and shoves him in the car. Jackson is handed the hot woman’s number before he gets in the car with the others.*
Warlock: He’s my hero too.
*Tojo reports back to Leo that Joe is an American ninja. Leo tells Singh and Tojo to go catch him, he wants him alive. Back in Wild Bill’s office, they go over a battle plan as Joe says he knows who to ask to find Alicia. He grabs Toto and he leads him to her.
Warlock: Carribean amphibian, he likes to hop in the tropical sea. Carribean amphibian…..sorry.
*Toto asks for 3 dollars for his information.*
Warlock: Haha, a fantastic day for capitalism.
*Alicia confronts Joe with a shotgun but Joe says he’s one of the good guys. She says come on in but Joe is ambushed by a black ninja out of nowhere. Joe impales him with a dagger as another ninja attacks. Joe wipes him out too and snaps his neck. A third ninja throws a star and just misses Joe’s head. Joe snaps his leg and steals the star. Another ninja spits a dart and nails Joe in the hand. Joe eats the dart and chucks the star at him, killing him.*
Warlock: Did he just eat the dart?
Neyz: looks like it.
*Joe sets another ninja on fire and has a stickfight with yet another one. After dispatching that one, he grabs Alicia when a whole herd of ninjas come his way. Toto drives around the corner, Joe and Alicia hop in. A ninja hops on the truck but Joe knocks him off. Tojo looks on and signals a respect sign. Back in the truck, Toto asks for 3 dollars again.*
Warlock: He’s going to be rich by the end of this movie.
*Joe introduces himself to Alicia. He says he’s heading for Blackbeard Island, Alicia says he’s going the wrong way. He u-turns back toward the ninjas where one of them back flips on the truck. Toto bites his hand and Joe knocks him off. The ninja tosses a grappling hook and holds on…..and is dragged 2 miles. He finally climbs up the FRONT of the car, smashes the window and climbs in. Joe, Alicia and Toto bail out and the truck crashes into a gas station, causing a giant explosion*
*Joe tells Toto to go get help, Toto demands money and Joe tells him he’ll pay later. Meanwhile Singh, Tojo, Smith and Leo go over a plan to get back to the island. Back to Alicia and Joe, Alicia claims her father (Ralph Draper)was working on a cure for cancer when Leo bought the lab and used it to genetically enhance super soldiers.*
Warlock: Least they explained where all the ninjas came from.
*Meanwhile back in Wild Bill’s office, he gathers the marines and Jackson is irate because they don’t have the go-ahead to infiltrate Blackbeard Island. Wild Bill says Joe and Alicia are on their own until they get the go-ahead to charge.*
*Meanwhile Leo gives a speech to Smith, Professor Sanborn, Tojo, Singh and a group of henchmen. Leo shows off his group of at least 50 superninjas. They perform kata with a drum beat*
Neyz: I like the sound of this thing.
*Finally, Alicia and Joe arrive at the Island by speedboat. Back to the ninjas still performing kata before back to Alicia and Joe infiltrating. The ninjas continue to show off their dart shooting, star throwing, swordsmanship and other skills before Tojo arrives in uniform. Meanwhile Joe makes a makeshift fence-cutter and cuts his way into the training ground.*
*Joe is attacked by two ninjas and he subdues both of them. Tojo then goes to town on his own men, establishing himself as the best of the best.*
Warlock: Great strategy, wipe out your own men. Just less guys Joe has to deal with.
*Smith asks what are they, Leo says they’re miracles. Meanwhile back at Wild Bill’s office, Jackson finally tells Sarge to stick it and says he’s going after them. He asks who’s with him and Charlie stands up. Joe and Alicia are in disguise as ninjas as they infiltrate the lab. Alicia spots her father and says he looks sick.*
Neyz: Because he’s in this movie.
*Professor Sanborn gives the lowdown on how the ninjas are created. He shows off holding containers featuring the captured marines from earlier in the movie. Two other ninjas lead the Professor away. Alicia and Joe go after them and Joe wipes them all out. Alicia reveals herself to the father. Professor says forget about him, go save the marines. Joe tells Alicia to get her father to safety, he’ll go after the marines.*
Warlock: A man of the people.
*Joe sits down and has a flashback of Shinyuki (John Fujioka) teaching him the ways of the ninja. He meditates for a minute before cutting to Wild Bill’s men. EVERYONE is in on the rescue except the Sarge.*
Warlock: I hope he gets knocked out by the end of the movie.
*Joe wipes out more ninjas and rescues the 4 kidnapped marines. They arm themselves and prepare for a raid.*
Warlock: Its going to be 50 against 5.
*Joe and the others unknowingly walk into the training area where up above, Leo and his cohorts welcome them. Alicia and the Professor are captured as well. Leo says he wants Joe alive, the rest can go. The 5 hold their own as Wild Bill’s men storm the island with Jackson dressed as the ultimate badass. Smith questions how the normal marines are beating the superninjas until right on cue, two of the marines are slashed. Meanwhile Wild Bill’s men storm the base. Charlie tosses grenades all over the place and Jackson shoots everything in sight. Leo tells Tojo to finish off Joe while he makes his escape with Smith and Singh. Professor Sanborn says he must do something and tells Alicia to stay behind. Meanwhile Wild Bill’s men shoot up the place. Wild Bill arrests Smith but Singh runs away.*
Warlock: What, no comeuppance?
*Professor Sanborn destroys the superninja program and tells Leo to stick it. He blows himself, Leo and the whole room up.*
Warlock: Poor Alicia.
*Joe and Tojo sit and meditate together as a sign of respect and then sword fight. Meanwhile Jackson beats the crap out of ninjas with his own martial art skills.*
Warlock: Once again Steve James is the better fighter but gets the shaft.
*Jackson snaps a ninjas neck and tells him to stay down. Meanwhile Tojo is losing the fight so he grabs a shotgun and starts firing away. Joe avoids the blasts and Tojo resumes with the sword.*
Neyz: So why is Tojo continuing to fight. He must realize Leo’s plan is screwed.
Warlock: Its about honor. To defeat a superior opponent is very honorable. Joe realizes it.
*Joe finally kills Tojo and smiles up at Alicia. Wild Bill’s men show up and the two remaining captured marines run up to them*
Warlock: Little late fellas.
*Wild Bill throws a going away party for Jackson and Armstrong. Wild Bill calls them over and says “For army, you’re not half bad. If you want to join the marines I can pull some strings.” Joe: “I don’t know about Jackson sir, but I think I’ve got other plans.” Jackson also respectfully declines and goes back to the lady from earlier. The sarge finally acknowledges Joe and shakes his hand. Jackson kisses the lady and Charlie says its time to go. Joe goes to leave but Toto pulls him aside and says he owes him 5 bucks. Joe pulls out a swiss army knife and hands it to him, it cost 5 dollars from a street vendor. End credits*
Neyzor Blades assessment: Booooooooooooring. 3 out of 10
Warlock’s assessment: Not as unrealistic as the first but still a little corny. The action was decent and the storyline didn’t have as many holes as the first movie. I think this one is superior but not by much, 5.5 out of 10.
Final grade: 4.5 out of 10, below average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: And now joining us live via satelite is the Grand Master of Martial Arts, Jon Blaze. Jon can you hear me?
*The dvd menu fades and Jon Blaze is in full ninja gear complete with double swords. He’s sitting in the middle of a Chinese tea chamber sipping tea*
Jon: Yes Warlock, its great to be back. What can I do for you?
Warlock: I just finished American Ninja 2: The Confrontation. What can you tell us about Joe being a ninja master.
Jon: I think its ridiculous.
Warlock: Do you think in real life Joe stood half a chance with Tojo?
Jon: Not a chance. If you see during the sword fight Tojo was holding his sword too low. A true ninja master would have it higher, it was obvious Joe was supposed to win.
Warlock: Well, not much of a movie if Tojo won.
Jon: Well if Tojo did kill Joe, he would have had to commit hara-kiri with all those marines around. He never would have made it out alive.
Warlock: How does one perform hara kiri?
Jon: Well its simple. You sit like this *he sits*. You get a dagger *he pulls one out* and then you….
Warlock: *cuts him off* WOAH WOAH WOAH! Don’t actually do it!
Jon: *stops halfway to his stomach* Do I look like an idiot? Its a demonstration you fool.
Warlock: Give me a heart attack why don’t you? Anyway thanks for your time.
Jon: Farewell my friend.
*Warlock and Jon bow their heads as the feed fades*
Warlock: Well that wraps up another craptastic adventure.
*Warlock spots Renee and uses his magic to bring her close to him*
Warlock: COME HERE!!!!
*Warlock looks at the camera*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.