*3 days earlier*
*The Warlock is on a skype chat talking to the mysterious benefactor*
Warlock: We’re just about finished with the 8 pack. The last movie left is Demonic Toys 2.
Warlock: That is a great idea. Perfect payback for all we’ve been through.
Warlock: If you can find a movie that’s unspeakably evil that my team can’t sit through, I’ll salute you. I told you the Patriots are winning the Superbowl. Yeah they lost to Denver, but they’re still 10-1.
Warlock: Thanks for the Puppets by the way.
The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket and gargoyle shades along with blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a wine glass of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire from his wrist down the street and runs inside before anyone notices*
Warlock: Tonight is the 8th and final movie of the 8 pack.
*Mr. America is clutching his carbine rifle. He’s wearing his standard attire*
America: I know they’re here…I know it. They’re always after us.
Warlock: Relax, we have nothing to worry about this time.
*Mr. Wallstreet pops up from behind the recliner and looks around, he’s also in his standard attire*
Wallstreet: That’s what you said the last time and I nearly got my head blown off by Six Shooter.
Warlock: In case you haven’t guessed, tonight’s movie is Desmonic Toys 2: Personal Demons.
*America barrell rolls behind the couch and pops up aiming his rifle at the dlor*
America: Denonic Toys? Where? I’m ready!
Warlock: Relax! Following the movie we will have a live satellite chat with Professor Nate Average. The man who sent us most of the Dollman and Demonic Toys movies.
Wallstreet: Him again!!?
Warlock: Will you stop?
*They all take their seats*
Warlock: So let’s finish this 8 pack with a bang, Demonic Toys 2: Personal Demons.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A group of people on a world wide search for oddities find themselves trapped in a nine hundred year old Italian castle when they accidentally unleash the Demonic Toys.”
Wallstreet: That sounds interesting.
America: How did they end up in a castle in the first place?
*Opening credits are shown with someone picking up goop and guts to put together Oopsy Daisy.*
Wallstreet: So Oopsy Daisy’s a Frankenstein’s monster now?
Warlock: I guess this is the direct sequel to Dollman vs Demonic Toys since Daisy wasn’t blown apart by the Puppets.
*Black attache case is opened with a bunch of money in it*
Wallstreet: There we go!
*Butterfield (Leslie Jordan) and Caitlin (Alli Kinzel) are outside waiting for Dr. Lorca (Michael Citriniti). He pulls up with Lauraline (Elizabeth Bell). *Butterfield “I will not be toyed with!”
Warlock: Ha…ha ha…ha ha.
Wallstreet: No pun intended.
*David (Lane Compton) is apparently Dr. Lorca’s son. Caitlin says he’s come from America to look over the transfer. She wants to know if the toy they found is authentic.*
Warlock: Very authentic.
*Lilith (Selene Luna) the midget exits the van as well. Finally Eric (William Marquart) drops the box of Demonic Toys. Lorca calls him an idiot. Butterfield asks why he’s there, Lorca wants priceless oddities.*
Warlock: At least they’re explaining everything.
*The 7 people enter the castle and Caitlin gives a run down of the castle. The original owner was a witch who practiced black magic. Lauraline: “You’re one hell of a Realtor.”
*Selene: This place is far from empty.”
Wallstreet: She’s like a midget.
Warlock: She IS a midget, open your eyes!
*Eric looks down at Oopsy Daisy and picks up Jack Attack. He tries to get him to come out but he doesn’t”
Warlock: Kid got lucky.
*Caitlin says the paintings on the wall are said to contain hidden demons*
Warlock: I swear old painters had a lot more imagination.
*David and Caitlin share bonding moments as Lauraline insults her, Caitlin puts her in her place as Butterfield mimics her*
America: Good, good riddance.
*Caitlin opens a box and Divoletto is inside. Buttefield says its the world’s oldest toy. They try to get it to move on its own, but doesn’t”
Warlock: Too early in the movie.
*America: “HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!”
Warlock: “Meh, this things a piece of junk. Let’s pack up and go home.”
All: THE END!
*Divoletto moves on its on after Lauraline makes fun of her. Eric then runs in and says their cars are gone.*
Warlock: He is a lousy security guard.
*Lilith talks to Divoletto, puts her hand on it and feels the history of him in a montage*
Wallstreet: Time to run!!
*The group laments the loss of their cars. They ask what they can do. Caitlin says they could all stay there for the night.”
Warlock: “Fuck this I’m outta here.”
Wallstreet: “I’ll walk to Rome.”
*Lilith cries as she closes the box with Divoletto*
Wallstreet: We must bury this and never speak of it again!
*Lorca and Lauraline enter a room with Eric carrying her bags.*
Wallstreet: She’s a gold digger.
*Divoletto comes alive and starts laughing*
America: Oh yay, gibberish!
Warlock: Ok, so apparently this thing was the original Demonic Toy.
*Lauraline emerges in red lingerie and puts on a show for Lorca as Eric looks on while lighting a fire.*
America: She’s too inconsistent. What is your thought process lady?
*Divoletto looks over Teddy, Jack and someone else.*
America: Teddy looks like a skunk now.
Wallstreet: What have they done?
Warlock: “Wake up you bums!”
*Divoletto wakes up Daisy and Jack Attack. Meanwhile Lauraline sends Lorca off for some wine*
Warlock: Watch, she’s gonna make out with Eric.
*Lauraline says kissing him sucks and makes out with Eric*
Warlock: I called that a mile away.
*Eric brought along a fake Divoletto. Their plan is to switch the dolls and sell the real one, leaving Lorca in the dust.*
Warlock: Sounds like a plan.
*Daisy: “Rise and shine shitheads!” Meanhile David “My dad was married to Lauraline before he passed away.” Caitlin is sorry to hear that.
Warlock: Oh boy, character development.
*Caitlin asks where the scars on Lorca’s face came from. David says he got in a fight with a rival competitor. Meanwhile Daisy and the Toys sneak up. Caitlin “What was that?” Daisy “You guys shut the fuck up!”
Warlock and Wallstreet: Hahahahaha
*Eric goes to switch the dolls “Daisy: Walk on your tippietoes fuckface!”
America and Wallstreet: Hahahahaha
*Lilith wants to have a seance with Dr. Lorca and they start suspecting something. Lilith wants everyone to meet in the main hall at midnight*
Warlock: Livin…after midnight.
America: Rockin…till the dawn.
*Eric goes to switch the toys. Suddenly Divoletto comes alive. The door suddenly won’t open.*
Warlock: Who locked him in?
*Jack, Daisy and Divoletto laugh at Eric until he’s brutally attacked. Meanwhile David reveals he knows about Eric and Lauraline. Back at the attack, they kill Eric and say to make an alter*
Warlock: Least the Toys are consistent killers.
*Lilith walks into the main hall and opens the box containing the fake Divoletto. She suspects funny business. Meanwhile Caitlin, Butterfield and David take a tour of the place. Butterfield “This place smells like piss!”
*Butterfield: I’m cold….I’m hunry*
America: You’re whiny.
*They stumble upon a torture chamber. David says the original owner was a whacko. Legend has it, she died during one of her treatments. Dr. Lorca walks in and invited everyone for a seance. Dr. Lorca wants to speak with David alone. Lorca threatens David to do what he says or else. Daisy hidden tells Divoletto “You’re with us or against us, guido”
*Butterfield spots a staircase and wonders where it leads. Caitlin asks if he wants to find out, he declines.*
Warlock: Smart man!
*Caitlin and David walk down the staircase as Butterfield says he cracks himself up.*
America: You make me shake my head!
*Meanwhile Lilith is preparing for her seance. Butterfield wanders the halls as one of the toys says “yahoooooo”
*Lilith pulls out the fake doll and asks why she can’t read it. A quick montage shows it being painted to make it look real. Suddenly the room begins to shake. Caitlin and David continue to walk downstairs. Dr. Lorca hits the fridge for the wine*
Warlock: Make a sandwich while you’re at it!
*Lorca puts a gold dagger in his coat pocket*
Wallstreet: Yes, that will be necessary.
*The spirt of Fiora, the original castle owner possesses Lilith. Meanwhile Lauraline texts Eric and asks where the hell he is. Lorca enters sand says “Right here!”*
Wallstreet: I do empathize with her.
Warlock: I don’t.
*Butterfield starts looting the place in a very fruity manner. He struts away with pink pajamas*
*David and Caitlin explore a cave. Caitlin asks if David is chicken.*
Wallstreet and America make chicken noises: Buck buckkkkkk!
*David and Caitlin are attacked by cgi bats*
Warlock: That’s horrible cgi. Doesn’t even look natural.
*Caitlin and David find the “portal to hell” underneath the castle. Caitlin says she dug up Divoletto down here*
Wallstreet: I thought she didn’t know what was down here.
Warlock: Yeah, good call.
*David finds a pot and Caitlin finds an ancient book.*
Wallstreet: Its the book of the dead!
*Caitlin says its an exorcist journal.The cgi bats chirp around*
Warlock: Those damn cgi bats again.
*Meanwhile Butterfield is wearing the pink pajamas and goes to shut the light when the door opens. He closes the door as the Toys show up. Butterfield hides under the covers. He screams as Divoletto and Daisy use the swords on the wall to decapitate him*
Warlock: Oh yeah!!!
Wallstreet: So much for the trip to Rome.
*Caitlin reveals the castle owner was being treated for possession. David calls her pretty smart. Meanwhile Divoletto, Jack and Daisy plan to attack the doctor next. Meanwhile Lorca and Lauraline smoke in bed as Lauraline fake moans. Lorca says to get dressed and visit Lilith. Lauraline doesn’t want to go. Lorca says he’ll go alone making some bad puns in the process:
Wallstreet: She’s next.
*Caitlin and David join Lorca and Lilith at the table. Lilith goes into her mumbo jumbo*
Warlock: So nobody notices that Butterfield and Eric are not with them?
*Lilith has white eyes and is now possessed by Fiora (the original owner). Lilith says to destroy the pots to release her demon. Lilith “I am Fioraaaaa”
Warlock: I knew it.
*A record player starts playing itself and Lilith starts squirming/dancing*
Warlock: This movie is losing me.
America: I gave up a while ago.
*Lauraline searches for Eric*
Wallstreet: Obviously she missed all the blood on the floor.
Lauraline finds the blood on the ground*
Warlock: No she didn’t.
*Meanwhile Lilith/Fiora continues to interpret dance. Daisy to Divoletto: “So you’re looking for a ghost, guido?” Finally Lilith crumbles*
America: Now that THAT’S over.
*Lauraline laments losing the doll, meanwhile Lilith returns to normal. Lorca wants to know everything. Lilith says the doll is a replica. Caitlin says that’s not possible. Daisy pops up and stabs David in the hand, calls him a stupid cracker.*
*Lauraline finds valuable jewels and nearly orgasms. Meanwhile Caitlin knocks down Divoletto as Lorca pulls a gun and shoots Daisy in the head*
Warlock: This can’t be over. That was too easy.
*Lauraline cranks open Jack Attack and he bites her face off. Meanwhile Lorca, David, Lilith and Caitlin run. Lorca then pulls a gun on them and turns heel. David then knocks him out and steals the gun*
Warlock: Not much of a heel turn.
*Lauraline runs into the others, pulls the gun off David’s belt and points it at him. Lorca begins to come to and pulls out his dragger. Lauraline blames Caitlin for digging up the doll. Lauraline reveals she killed David’s real father and he wrestles the gun away, shooting her dead*
Warlock: Bye bitch.
*Lorca runs up and Lilith points the derringer at Lorca but its only a 2 shot. He laughs and then chases them away. He finds an axe but Daisy attacks him. Daisy insults Lorca as he dies. Caitlin, Lilith and David run down to the cave. Suddenly Jack Attack pops up and grabs Caitlin. Caitlin bites his nose off. Divoletto attacks Lilith until she transforms into Fiora. Fiora whacks Divoletto and throws him down. David smashes Divoletto’s head in, releasing one of the demons. Even Jack and Daisy look on confused. The Demon itself (Ben Gunther) climbs out of the pit. David cuts Jack Attack’s head off with the shovel then takes out Oopsy Daisy as well. The Demon steals the essence of Fiora and escapes back down to hell.*
Warlock: Wow…what a mouthful.
*Next day Caitlin. David and Lilith leave the castle. David packs up the remains of the demomic toys in the crate*
Warlock: How are they going to explain that they came with 7 people and are leaving with 3?
*The trio leaves as the movie ends with the picture of Fiora whispering*
Warlock: That’s the ending?
Warlock: I love how when Divoletto cracked open the crate of the Demonic Toys, he forgot to wake up Teddy and Mr. Static.
Wallstreet’s Assessment: This movie should have been over in an hour. The storyline was pretty good and the setting was awesome but just dragged on. I give it a 5 out of 10
America’s assessment: You’re too kind. I give it a 2 out of 10.
Warlock: One’s too generous, the other is too harsh. I agree with Wallstreet that the storyline and setting were mostly good, but it had a lot of plot holes, a needless heel turn and the Demonic Toys really weren’t part of the main storyline as they just happening to be there. If the movie was titled Fiora’s Revenge without Daisy and Jack Attack running around, it could have been its own standalone movie. I give it a 3 out of 10
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10 – Garbage
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Thank god its over…and now joining us live from the basement of the toy factory, Professor Nate Average. Nate can you hear me?
*The dvd menu fades and Nate Average is on screen in the bowels of the building*
Nate: Barely, reception is pretty bad down here. Thanks for having me on the show Warlock.
Warlock: Always a pleasure. Did you find what I told you to look for?
Nate: That’s why I’m down here.
Warlock: What’s that behind you?
*Nate stumbles upon a pentagram on the floor made out of blood*
Nate: I believe I found it. You sure there are buried toys here?
*Wallstreet and America begin smirking*
Warlock: I wouldn’t say buried per se, but they’re there. Just hang tight.
*Suddenly the boiler room goes dark*
Nate: I think the power just blew
*Warlock smiles and nudges America who has begun to laugh. Warlock then pretends to be serious*
Warlock: Nate you’re breaking up. What’s going on in there?
*The boiler room glows red*
Nate: Guys, something weird is going on here?
Wallstreet: Nahhh, you’re fine.
America: Yeah, nothing to worry about!
Warlock: You’re breaking up. We’re out of here. Good luck with the Demonic Toys.
Nate: Demonic Toys? Wha..
*Warlock shuts off the tv screen*
Warlock: That will teach him not to put our lives in danger.
America: I was wondering when you’d get him back for that.
Warlock: There you go. With that…that’s the end of the 8 pack.
America: We made it!!!
*The doorbell rings*
Warlock: What the hell?
*the trio answer the door. Deliveryman Darnell thrusts a pen in Warlock’s face, nearly poking him in the eye and tells him to sign.*
America: Did Nate send you something?
Warlock: I don’t know. *He signs*
*Warlock inspects the box Darnell hands him*
Warlock: Its unmarked.
*Warlock opens the box and looks in*
*Warlock pulls out not one, but two movie packs*
Wallstreet: Lord, what have I done to deserve this?
*Warlock inspects the two packs*
Warlock: Its two 4-packs.
Wallstreet: Four plus four equals eight…NOOOO!!!!
*Wallstreet and America slump over and cry while Warlock starts kicking the air and throwing a tantrum*
*Watching on a monitor, the mysterious benefactor rubs his hands*
TMB: Have a pleasant evening.