44. Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys (2004)

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*3 Days Ago*

*Warlock is on a skype chat with The Mysterious Benefactor*

Warlock: Nate sent me Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys, I don’t know what you want me to do.

*pauses*

Warlock: Send it in the mail. You and your Troma films.

*pauses*

Warlock: Oh yeah, send those in the mail too. We’ll need them for the movie.

*Today*

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a Tunneler t-shirt, black leather jacket, white sneakers, blue jeans and black leather jacket. He’s holding a goblet of Dr. Pepper*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock dims the lights before entering the lair*

Warlock: Tonight’s film is a donation from Professor Nate Average, Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys.

*Mr. America pops up off the couch, he’s wearing white camo fatigues and hat, black combat boots, aviator shades and Blade t-shirt. Mr. Wallstreet also pops up off the recliner, he’s wearing blue jeans, multicolored sneakers and a Pinhead t-shirt*

America: DEMONIC TOYS??

Wallstreet: You said Puppet Master, you didn’t say anything about the Demonic Toys.

Warlock: Oh yeah…my bad.

*Wallstreet throws his hands up and America facepalms, both take a seat.*

America: We’re screwed.

Wallstreet: Another fight coming up.

*Warlock takes a seat on the couch*

Warlock: Don’t worry about that, I got it covered. So without further delay, let’s start Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A group of toymakers seek to use Andre Toulon’s formula, now in the hands of Toulon’s great-nephew Robert, to give life to a line of killer toys that they plan to unleash on Christmas Eve.”

Wallstreet: I’m mystified.

America: Just have to make some killer sales.

 

*Really lousy opening credits*

America: What a change of tone, nice Christmas tree and holiday music to doom and gloom dungeon holiday.

Warlock: Its like the Doink the Clown theme.

America: Today, apparently we have schizo credits.

 

*Graphic reads Toulon Doll Hospital*

Warlock: We got Doll Graveyard and now we got the Doll Hospital.

 

*Kids in tv commercial shills the Christmas Pals (Oopsy Daisy and Teddy) as Robert Toulon (Corey Feldman) bitches at them. His daughter Alex (Danielle Keaton) tells him to lighten up. He calls her mother a bitch*

Wallstreet: This guy is a dick.

 

*Jester, Six Shooter, Pinhead and Blade are on a table*

Warlock: Missing Leech Woman, Decapitron and Tunneler.

 

*Alex “Dad, are we weird?”

Warlock: Duhhhhh

Wallstreet: This is SCIENCE!

 

*A hidden camera in a ladybug from Sharpe Industries spies on Toulon. Graphic reads NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS EVE.  Julian (Nikolai Sotriov) and Erica Sharpe (Vanessa Angel) spy on Robert and Alex injecting Six Shooter with serum*

Wallstreet: They sound like a crime syndicate the way they were talking.

 

*Robert thinks he’s failed until Six Shooter comes to life. Alex and Robert celebrate as Erica laments. Erica “My father is dead, its my company now!”

Warlock: What a heel.

 

*Robert injects Blade, Jester and Pinhead with the serum. They spring to life. Robert introduces himself as the great grand-nephew of Andre Toulon. Alex shakes Pinheads hand as Robert talks about how the puppets battled the nazis.*

Warlock: We remember how THAT turned out.

 

*Six Shooter spazzes. Robert says he wants his guns loaded. Alex says “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Robert “Why not honey? I trust them, and you should too!”

America: What could go wrong?

 

*Erica: “I want those puppets!”

Warlock: Oh you’ll get them alright.

 

*Erica threatens Julian to bring her the puppets and the formula. Julian walks outside with two guys flanking him*

America: Oh boy he’s got goons with him.

Wallstreet: And this is a toy company.

America: They’re not just gonna toy with them.

 

*The two goons break into Toulon’s place*

Wallstreet: Let me guess, these two will be brutally killed?

Warlock: I hope so.

 

*Faceless goon picks up Blade who slashes his wrist. Pinhead jumps one of them as Robert wakes up. Faceless goon punches down Robert. A melee ensues and Six Shooter sets the place on fire with a missed shot.*

America: He’d make the A-Team proud.

 

*Julian tells the goons to abort while the fire claims the puppets.*

Wallstreet: Look at the smile on their faces.

 

*Alex calmly walks into the burning room and extinguishes the fire by herself.*

Warlock: Wait, they made it look like the place was about to go up.

 

*Alex puts out the puppets*

Warlock: Cough,..belghhhhh…we’re ok…pa-HA!

 

*Sgt Jessica Russell (Silvia Suvadova) pulls up in her cruiser, pulls her gun out and tells the Toulon’s to freeze*

Warlock: Got the wrong guys.

 

*Toulon: Puppets stop!  Jessica: Pardon?  Toulon: Puppet…SHOP! This is a puppet shop.”

America: Great recovery!

 

*Alex and Robert try to cover up the puppets. Roy: “We play with toys a lot”

America: Did she not see the hospital sign at the door?

Warlock: That’s some horrendous acting.

 

*Erica berates Julian for failing*

Warlock: She’s like a big, overgrown spoiled brat.

 

*Erica asks the receptionist Christina (Dessislava Maicheva) if she’s a virgin.”

Wallstreet: Oh my gosh.

Warlock: Gets right down to business.

 

*Erica, Christina and Julian enter the elevator*

America: Its a trap!

 

*Julian and Erica don’t say anything for a while*

America: What a talkative bunch.

 

*Julian and Erica lead Christina down the dungeon path. Erica: “There’s nothing to worry about!”

Warlock: Bullshit!

America: Liar!

 

*Christina: What is this place? Erica: “Its my personal playroom!”

Wallstreet: Heh!

 

*Christina is hesitant to open the Jack in the Box. Erica throws a tantrum*

America: Warlock you’re right.

 

*Jack Attack pops out as Oopsy Daisy and Teddy look on. Two druids leads Christina over to the Toys where Oopsy motorboats her*

Warlock: Ok that was funny.

 

*Robert shows Jessica his doll collection.*

Warlock: Least we’re getting some character development.

 

*Robert walks outside in the December chill in his underwear*

Warlock: My god man, put some clothes on.

 

*Robert tries to tell Jessica that the fire started as an accident so he doesn’t get arrested and keep Alex around since he never gets to see her. Jessica says she’ll treat it as a false alarm. Jessica gives him her card and says to call her if he needs anything. Robert “Oh I’d love to….gahh I mean I will.”

Wallstreet and Warlock: HAhahaha

America: Wow.

 

*Jessica tells Robert to put some pants on, he just now notices he’s not wearing any.”

America: You didn’t feel breezy dude?

Warlock There’s your love interest.

 

*The pantless Robert salutes Jessica. Alex gives him the business. Robert says she thinks he’s hot. Next frame shows Christina being strapped into an Iron Maiden*

Warlock: Well that went from 0 to 90 in to seconds.

 

*The Maiden kills Christina and her blood drains*

Wallstreet: Is Erica going to bathe in it?

 

*Erica uses the blood to summon Bael (Christopher Bergschneider) the demon God. The master plan is to use Toulon’s blood to take over the world using demonic toys. Erica wants the Puppets to serve her faithfully. Bael points to the Demonic Toys and asks what about them? Erica says she can’t trust them. Baby “Trust this!” Baby shits himself*

Warlock: HAhahahahahaha

Wallstreet: Clean that one!

 

*Erica wants the Puppets because of their loyalty. She wants Robert and Bael wants the daughter. Bael: “Take the father, but the child is mine.” He threatens to kill Erica and Julian if they fail.”

America: How heartwarming.

 

*Alex and Robert share bonding moments while putting the Puppets back together*

Warlock: So there’s only 3 Demonic Toys? No Mr. Static or Zombietoid? Then again half the puppets are missing. Right now its a 4 on 3 handicap match.

 

*The Puppets notice the ladybug camera and Robert ponts out that Erica gave it to her. The thing fries itself and Robert finds the camera inside.*

Warlock: Ruh roh!

 

*Julian tells Erica they can’t keep killing receptionists and Erica says in two days it won’t matter. Meanwhile back at the lab, Alex and Robert discover they’ve been spied on. Robert says he’d love to bring Jessica in this but he says he needs more evidence. Alex traces the serial number of the camera back to Sharpe Industries. Alex hacks into the system but the backtrace fries their computer. The puppets then drop dead. Robert reveals that he didn’t use enough blood in the serum because he’s a wuss.*

Warlock: So much for them.

 

*The news reporter (Jodi Nelson) claims the Christmas Pals are selling like hotcakes. Erica says to send another spybot. A van pulls up and another Ladybug is dispatched.”

America: Really? Another ladybug? They saw it the first time, they know its coming? Don’t send the same goddamn surveillance thing you did before!

Wallstreet: Word.

 

*Ladybug spies and there’s no one in the lab. Erica: They’re gone!”

Warlock: Duh! They were long gone!

 

*Julian reveals Erica’s father literally sold his soul to give Erica’s toys. Julian says if her father could see her now, he’d die in shame. Erica scoffs and says find the puppets or she’ll unleash demons on him. Julian “I remember when Sharpe Industries was supposed to make kids happy.” Erica: “Times have changed.”

Warlock: A face turn by Julian in the works?

Wallstreet: Possibly.

 

*Robert calls Jessica. “Jessica, its Robert.”  Jessica “Oh….hey, hello.”

Warlock: That’s so unprofessional.

 

*Jessica says she’s on her way to Sharpe Industries, Robert freaks out. He tells Alex that Jessica may be connected. Robert says he’s going to investigate, she needs to stay here and reanimate the Puppets. Next frame a Sharpe big rig drives past Robert’s car and into Sharpe Industries. Robert watches from the bushes.*

Warlock: That’s a great way to get arrested.

 

*Robert infiltrates by hiding under the truck as it pulls in*

America: This security guy sucks! How did he not see that?

 

*Robert casually walks into the warehouse*

Warlock: Nobody saw that???

America: Don’t mind meeeeeee.

 

*Robert inspects the hundreds of boxes as a ceremony offering toys to children run by Erica and Jessica. Jessica presents Erica with a Christmas Spirit award for the charity. Erica gives a speech saying they’ll be delivering toys all night until the sun comes up. Meanwhile Robert tries to infiltrate the warehouse*

America: Why the hell is he trying to hide in plain sight, he just walked by with no problem.

 

*Robert spies Julian pushing the Demonic Toys much to Oopsy Daisy’s chagrin. Daisy spots Robert and goes after him. Security guards shoot at Robert in plain view and miss. Daisy catches him and beats on him as Julian tells Daisy not to spill any blood.*

Warlock: Look out Robert!

 

*Security chases Robert into the ceremony and Jessica restains him. The Mayor (Velizar Binev) tells him he ruined the ceremony and has him arrested. Robert confronts Julian and Erica. “Liar…LIAR LIAR!”

America: Pants on fire!

 

*Jessica has Robert put in the squad car. Meanwhile Erica and Julian want the car followed. The Mayor cuts them off and wants to talk about Valentine’s Day.”

America: If she wins, there won’t be a Valentine’s Day.

 

*Jessica drives away, stops at Robert’s car then uncuffs Robert. He opens her toys donated by Erica and its an Oopsy Daisy, but inanimate. Robert digs himself a hole explaining himself to Jessica.She BADLY acts trying to convince him to go home to Alex. Jessica tells him to get lost. Robert hands Oopsy to Jessica “Have yourself…a MERRY..little Christmas.” Jessica: “I intend to drop by later to check on you.” Robert “I look FORWARD to that opportunity”

Warlock: That’s some of the worst flirting I’ve ever seen.

 

*Back at the Toulon residence, Robert tells Alex something weird is going on. Meanwhile Jessica drops by her sister’s house with presents for nieces and nephews. She ho ho ho’s.*

Warlock: Kind of a useless scene but it does show Jessica’s family values.

 

*Back at the lab, Toulon outfits the puppets with mecha-weapons before recognizing the goons’ symbol. Alex recognizes it as a symbol of the metal band Alter of Blood. Robert: “What are you doing listening to this kind of music?” Alex “I went through a phase after you and mom split up.”

Wallstreet: Uhhh

America: Huh?

 

*Alex figures out that Sharpe Industries are demon worshippers as Jessican pulls up to Toulon’s Doll Hospital*

America: Be careful of the spybug!

 

*There’s a sign on the door saying they’re closed. Jessica knocks on the door and says “Hello?”

Wallstreet: Read the sign.

America: There’s nobody in here.

 

*Jessica investigates the lab as Teddy and Daisy are there. Teddy gives away his position as Jack Attack pops up as Jessica shoots the box, not Jack. Jessica does manage to shoot Teddy and run away.*

Wallstreet: Baby is probably in the car.

 

*Jessica drives off with Daisy hanging on the back. It farts*

Warlock: Close enough Wallstreet.

 

*Robert wants Alex’s blood to upgrade the puppets, says virgin blood is stronger. Alex rolls her eyes and Robert’s face is priceless.*

Warlock: She’s probably our age.

 

*Jester’s arm is now a giant mace. Pinhead’s hands are now metal. Blade’s knife is now a dagger and Six Shooter now has lazer guns and a Terminator style face.*

Warlock: Six Shooter looks ridiculous.

Wallstreet: He looks like the Borg.

 

*Pinhead punches a pillow and it explodes. Jessica pulls up and Robert tries to make himself look presentable.*

Warlock and Wallstreet: Hahahaha

 

*Jessica runs in and says she believes Robert now, she saw the Demonic Toys. Six-Shooter nearly takes her head off with a lazer blast.*

Warlock: WOAH!

 

*Jessica “Your toys are alive too!” Robert “These aren’t toys, these are the Toulon puppets.” Pinhead shakes Jessica’s hand. Robert “They trust her.” Jessica “Tell me what’s going on?”

Warlock: Time to explain EVERYTHING!

Wallstreet: Where do I begin?

 

*Baby calls Erica from the Toulon residence*

Warlock: Do I dare ask how he knows how to operate a cell phone?

 

*Julian tries to talk Erica out of it but she wants to take over the world. Meanwhile Jessica is filled in and she’s very confused.

Wallstreet: Where’s German Soldier and Ooga Booga?

Warlock: They’re buried right now, they’re unavailable.

 

*Jessica tries to radio for backup but Daisy knocks her out and takes out the radio. Daisy “Lucky I’m in a hurry!”  Meanwhile Robert stops himself “This is going to take a while, I should pee!”  Robert runs off as Erica and Jack Attack kidnap Alex as the faceless goons steal the puppets. Robert runs out and Julian is there to greet him with Daisy. Daisy uses a rocket fart punch to knock out Robert.*

Wallstreet: BAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

*Robert wakes up in Erica’s office as the faceless goons lead Erica to the Iron Maiden. They strap her in as back in the office, Erica wants some hanky panky*

Warlock: Wow….

 

*Erica wants Robert to make the puppets obey her and Robert says hell no. Meanhile Jessica wakes up*

America: Have a good nap?

 

*Jessica runs to the Toulon’s house and realizes they’re not there*

Wallstreet: Get back in the car you incompetent old sow!

 

*The puppets try to break out as Erica wants to get it on with Robert, until she knees him in the nuts. She tells him that she offered the demon lord Bael his daughter’s blood. She wants Robert to get her pregnant so she can carry on the Toulon bloodline in her image.

Warlock: Sounds like a plan.

 

*Jessica walks up to Sharpe Industries. The security guy shoots at her from point blank range and misses completely. She shoots him dead.*

Warlock: Worst security guard EVER.

 

*Claudia (Angelina Hadjimitova) the new receptionist is led to the dungeon by Erica*

Warlock: Another one bites the dust.

 

*Robert tells the faceless goons they’re accessories to mass murder, they show off their tattoos. Robert “Oh, ok. Guess you don’t care.” Suddenly Six Shooter breaks free, the faceless goons shoot at him at point blank range…missing. Six Shooter kills them both.*

Warlock: They’re just as bad as that security guard.

 

*Julian walks in with Jack Attack and says he can’t lead Robert to Erica…but hands him the key to the elevator. He tells Robert that he’s the only hope. Suddenly Jack pops out and uses his newfound supersonic voice to explode Julian’s head and stun the puppets*

Warlock: Yup, we called that face turn, too bad he didn’t last long.

Wallstreet: His eyeballs exploded, cool.

 

*Jack Attack crawls after Robert but Blade cuts his tail off. Pinhead ties him to the box.*

Wallstreet: That’s their solution, try not to kill it.

Warlock: Not much of a solution.

 

*Jessica investigates the ground floor, pulls the elevator and Robert walks out. He walks back in with Jessica and the Puppets, uses the key and heads to the dungeon.*

Warlock: Well its 4 on 2 really. With Jack gone…its down to Teddy and Daisy against the Puppets.

 

*Erica has two more faceless goons drop Claudia into the pit and summons Bael….in a santa suit.*

Warlock: Come on…

 

*Robert, Jessica and the Puppets crash the party.  Bael reveals that the ancestor Jean-Paul Toulon sold his soul to Bael for the secrets of alchemy. When Bael came to collect, his soul was lost into an ancient oak in the black forrest. It was from the oak that Jean Paul’s son carved the first puppets.*

Warlock: Very confusing.

 

*Faceless goon takes down Robert as Jessica kills one of the druids.  Jack Attack makes his way into the dungeon as Blade and Teddy square off. Jessica and Six Shooter take out the other faceless goon. Jester uppercuts Jack Attack as Blade decapitates Teddy.  Robert gets beat up some more*

Wallstreet: This guy can’t fight for his life.

 

*Pinhead squishes Daisy’s head and sends him into the pit. Meanwhile Erica tries to manually run the Iron Maiden. Pinhead knocks out the other faceless goon as the first one shoots Pinhead. Meanwhile the sun rises and Bael claims Erica’s soul as his own since everything else is lost. Robert frees Alex as Jessica gathers Pinhead, who’s arm was blown off. Jessica “I’m sorry pinhead.”

Wallstreet: Its ok.

America: Just a flesh wound.

 

*Jessica, Alex and Robert walk outside in the daylight and complain of hunger.*

Warlock: At least they’re showing that they’re human.

 

*Jessica calls her sister and everything is alright. Robert “We did it!”

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Robert asks Jessica if she can cut out the part about the living puppets in her police report. Jessica says only if she can visit the puppets whenever she wants. Robert “You have unlimited visitation rights!”  They walk off singing jingle bells badly. Meanwhile Daisy pops up from the dungeon pit and says “Have a merry christmas my ass! And a crappy new year! End credits”

Wallstreet: Had to leave room for a sequel.

 

Wallstreet’s assessment: I thought the best characters in the movies were the Puppets. The Demonic Toys were funny. I give it a 5 out of 10.

America’s assessment:  I give it a 3.5 out of 10…not the worst out there, with some laughable moments.

Warlock’s assessment: Well that was a badly acted piece of crap. It had its moments but it pretty much was a stinker. I give it a 4.5 out of 10

Final Grade: 4 out of 10….Bad

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well another Puppet Master and Demonic Toys movie bites the dust and along with it, both franchises. How either one of them recovered after this nonsense I’ll never know. That about wraps up another…

*Suddenly the lights go out*

America: Damn you!

Warlock: It wasn’t me.

*The room glows red*

Wallstreet: Oh man, not again.

Warlock:Its ok, trust me.

*Suddenly the Demonic Toys appear from the ground. Teddy, Jack Attack and Oopsy Daisy*

Daisy: Time to die!

Warlock: Not this time.

*Warlock opens the door to his closet, Blade, Six Shooter, Jester and Pinhead run out*

Warlock: Get em guys!

*The Demonic Toys and Puppets brawl outside of the lair. Warlock pulls out his cell phone*

Wallstreet: What are you doing?

Warlock: I’m calling the police.

America: What are you gonna say?

Warlock: The Puppets and the Toys are going at it.

America: Are you crazy, they’ll never believe you?

Warlock: Not calling the local police.

*Warlock calls*

Police: How may we help you?

Warlock: We got the Puppets battling the Demonic Toys, send help!

Police: We’re on our way!

*Warlock hangs up, Wallstreet and America are dumbfounded*

Wallstreet: They believed you??

Warlock: I called the Ice Cream Man Police

America: Oh ok.

Wallstreet: Why didn’t you just say that?

*Wallstreet puts on Bloomberg, America wipes off his grenades*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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