42. Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of Bong (2011)

5422

*When we last left off, Mr. Wallstreet, Neyzor Blades and Lady T were “trapped” in Bong World as The Warlock and Mr. America faked out Eebie into thinking they weren’t going to rescue them. Instead, they were preparing the big rescue. Warlock has on his black leather jacket, t-shirt, gargoyle shades, white sneakers and blue jeans. He cracks his knuckles as Mr. America is loading up his carbine rifle. He’s got his white camo fatigues, vest, hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades.*

Warlock: Alright, ready to rock?

America: Yeah, that bitch is toast.

Warlock: Alright, so how did Wallstreet get in there?

America: I don’t remember Eebie being in the room.

Warlock I don’t remember him being a stoner either.

*Warlock looks on the wall*

Warlock: Ohhhh yeahhhh, now I remember.

America: What?

*Warlock puts his hand on the Dollman autographed picture and shuts his eyes. Suddenly he’s transported into Bong World.*

America: ……What???

*America walks over to the picture*

America: Huh?How??  Fuck it…

*America puts his hand on the picture, closes his eyes and he’s also transported into Bong World. When he gets there, all there is a movie theater type setting with Neyzor Blades sitting in the front row.*

Warlock: Wait, what are YOU doing here?

Neyz: I don’t know, one minute I’m with a hottie and the next minute I’m here.

America: Where is everyone else?

Neyz: No idea.

Warlock: Apparently we have to watch Evil Bong 3 before we can fight back?

America: Why the hell do we have to do that??

Warlock: I don’t know….but let’s watch.

*Warlock and America join Neyz in the front row*

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line: “An evil alien bong crashes on earth. Its intent: world domination. Our stoner heroes are sent to the alien bong planet and held captive by nude alien beauties. Their only hope to escape and save planet earth: Eebee, the original Evil Bong.”

America: Heh? I’m trying to figure out the logic. How’s she going to do anything if they left her behind in South America?

Warlock: They better explain that one.

 

*Shitty CGI has the Alien Bong (Circus Szalewski) shooting through space and crash landing on Earth*

Warlock: Wow this movie’s off to a bad start.

 

*The Killer (Irwin Keyes) is burying his dead wife that he murdered when Alien Bong crashes in front of him.  He goes to hit it with a shovel but instead picks it up. Killer: “This is the luckiest day of my life.”

Warlock: I don’t believe him.

 

*Killer walks away with it and we get the opening credits and the theme song at a Venice Beach, California boardwalk setting. Allistair (Peter Stickles) stumbles upon the meteorite.*

Warlock: That’s not the same actor is it?

America: No its not.

Warlock: Then again it wasn’t the same actor in the second movie as it was the first.

 

*Allistair investigates until Larnell (John Patrick Jordan) sneaks up on him dressed as a ninja. They talk about meteorites and aliens going back to 1947*

America: We’re going Roswell with this? Ughhhh

 

*Larnell admits he’s been living off the grid and he’s been training with a ninja master.*

Warlock: So all the logic from the second movie has gone right out the window.

America: This isn’t good.

 

*Killer walks into Bachman (Mitch Eakins)’s Smoke Shop. Killer: Hello? Is anybody here?”

Warlock: No.

 

*Killer wants to sell the Alien Bong to Bachman. Killer sticks his tongue out and its green*

Warlock: That’s gross.

 

*Brett (Brian Lloyd) shows up and calls Killer a jackoff*

Warlock: That’s lousy customer service.

Neyz: Yeah.

 

*Killer tries to sell off his machete and Brett tells him its a hemp shop, not a pawn shop.*

Warlock: Why not both?

 

*Killer takes his glove off and he’s covered in green. Bachman and Brett give him the finger on his way out.*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Brett tells Bachman not to touch the Alien Bong until they talk to Allistair. Brett calls up Allistair and Brett takes AB in the back for “product testing”

Neyz: I had that lamp.

America: Uhhhh

 

*Bachman takes a hit and the Bong calls him a worm. Says its going to take over the world.*

Neyz: YOU WORM!

America: For an Alien taking over the world, that is the worst plan ever.

 

*Bachman is transported into Alien Bong world with alien chicks*

America: Well that didn’t take long.

 

*Bachman says what they’re doing is painful*

America: It won’t end there.

 

*The girls go down on him and next frame shows Larnell, Allistair and Brett investigating the Alien Bong*

Neyz: What the hell song is this?

 

*Allistair: This bong is on unknown origin*

America: I could have told you that.

 

*Brett yells out for Bachman but he’s not there. Luann (Robin Sydney) walks in and she and Larnell insult each other. Luann asks if this is Brett’s store*

Warlock: Wow, what a moron.

 

*Larnell picks up a water pipe and offers it to Luann. Luann yells at him*

America: Look out she has an umbrella!

Neyz: Oh my god she’s so annoying.

America: I’d say something stronger than that.

 

*Larnell hands Brett the message Luann gave him and Brett instantly rips it up*

Warlock: Bahahahaha.

Neyz: This makes me wanna smoke.

 

*Rabbit (Sonny Carl Davis) walks in dressed in his minister’s clothes. He says he’s listening to a higher power but Larnell goes on a conspiracy theory.*

America: No, its “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.”

 

*Rabbit steals the Alien Bong as Brett, Larnell and Allistair discover the space fungus growing on the counter. Allistair goes to touch it but Brett stops him*

Warlock: You’d think it would be the other way around, Allistair stopping Brett.

America: Smarter than he looks.

 

*Rabbit in the back takes a hit from Alien Bong and AB yells at him for using cheap weed. Rabbit: “What is it with all you talking bongs?” Rabbit goes to pick it up. AB “Unhand me you worm!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Rabbit is transported into Alien Bong world.*

Neyz: I hate how its like rubber.

 

*Allistair, Brett and Larnell walk in just as Rabbit is transported. They wonder how they always find these things.*

Neyz: You’d think they would have learned the first time?

America: What kind of fun is that?

 

*Brett goes to destroy AB as AB insults them.*

Warlock: This Bong is right out of a Monty Python insult-a-thon*

 

*Brett points a black baseball bat at the growing fungus*

Warlock: He stole Sting’s bat!

 

*Brett asks how to defeat Alien Bong, Allistair says they may need Eebie (Michelle Mais). Larnell says Gramps (Jacob Witkin) has her. They need to find him*

Neyz: What the shit is this?

 

*Rabbit is confronted by Angel Chick and Devil Chick (Dena Koller and Lai Mai) as Bachman chills with a third (Chrissy Randall). Bachman says they’re using his sperm to populate. Rabbit figures out how disasterous that sounds*

America: For once Rabbit is right.

 

*Gramps walks in with Nurse Hookah (Christina DeRosa) and calls himself Dr. Weed. Brett: “What the shit?”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Gramps calls shakes his sunglasses at Allistair*

Neyz: Hahaha what is he doing?

 

*Nurse Hookah mimics everything Gramps says*

America: What the hell are you doing lady?

 

*Gramps and Nurse go to leave but Larnell stops him and tries to prove that there’s an alien invasion on the way. Alien Bong doesn’t move but Allistair shows off the fungus. Larnell says he’ll exchange the fungus for Eebie. Gramps: “I say this stinks. Like a sumo wrestler taking a dump on a burning tire.”

Neyz: Ewwwwww

 

*Gramps pulls out Eebie and removes the tape from her mouth. Eebie: “Tape on my mouth only pisses me off!”

Warlock: Wow….

 

*Eebie spots the boys. “Aw HELL no, not these white boys again.”

Warlock: These grown ass ignorant men.

 

*Eebie spots the fungus and loves it. Larnell pulls out the Alien Bong and asks what it is. Eebie calls him a piece of junk and AB comes alive to insult Eebie. Gramps asks what to do.*

America: That was a quick change of heart.

 

*Eebie: “I know nothing about that fucker, except he’s an asshole.” Nurse Hookah then puts Brett in a chokehold.*

Neyz: About time.

 

*Gramps says he’s not going into AB world and Allistair they’ll go in only if they bring Eebie. Eebie “Oh ho ho HELL no.” Gramps says they could take over the world if this is successful.”

Warlock: This is ridiculous.

 

*Gramps says he wouldn’t give up Eebie for Nurse Hookah. Hookah is visibly miffed.*

Neyz: Hmmmmmmmm

 

*Nurse Hookah still has Brett in a chokehold*

America: You have a bat, hit her with it!

 

*Alien Bong insults Eebie again.*

Neyz: Now they’re going to duke it out.

 

*Larnell takes a hit to enter Alien Bong world.*

Neyz: Why don’t they stay away from bongs altogether?

Warlock: There would be no movie.

 

*Allistair takes a hit to enter Alien Bong world leaving Gramps, Nurse and Brett outside. Gramps pushes Eebie into the AB*

Warlock: Wow what an asshole.

 

*Larnell throws random karate chops as Devil Chick works over Rabbit. Larnell discovers they’re jizz milking Rabbit. Larnell: “I am not touching that thing.”

Neyz: Blegghhhhh.

 

*Larnell leaves Rabbit as Allistair talks to a tape recorder. Allistair investigates his surroundings with TV Girl (Tara Spadaro) stares at him. He trips.*

America: They’re switching things up now. He tripped NOT running away from anything.

 

*Allistair sniffs the jizz and is disgusted*

Warlock: Blahhhhhhh

 

*Devil Chick starts hitting on Allistair and she throws the tape recorder down.*

America: I’m not complaining.

 

*Mwanwhile outside Gramps laughs at Brett. Alien Bong says he’s got Allistair. Brett: “What the fuck??” Gramps thinks AB wants to live among humans. AB says “Uhhhh…I guess.” Brett: “How much weed have you been smoking you stupid sack bag?”

Warlock: Hahahahaha.

 

*Hookah pretends to smoke the joint*

Neyz: She’s not even smoking it, that’s such a waste.

 

*Green Chick and Graffiti Chick (Nina Estes) has Bachman covered in fungus. Larnell and Eebie find him. Larnell “What happened?” Bachman “My whacker’s toast bro!” Eebie “So NOW you wanna hear from me? Oppressive cracker!”

Neyz: Yeah.

 

*TV Girl touches Larnell and he jumps. Bachman “Awwww shit monkeyyyy.” Larnell tells Eebie to watch Bachman as he heads off. Eebie “Idiot.” Larnell then finds Allistair being sucked dry as well.*

Neyz: Ewwwww. Why can’t he cut it with a sword?

Warlock: Do you see any swords around?

 

*Gramps laughs with Alien Bong. He says he’s not afraid because he’s convinced they’ll keep him alive. Brett says he’s an idiot.”

Warlock: Why do I have a feeling Brett’s going to save the day?

 

*Brett finally breaks free and knocks down Hookah with a bat*

America: What took you so long?

 

*Brett takes a hit to enter Alien Bong world*

Warlock: Nevermind.

 

*Brett finds Rabbit who’s been sucked dry but not covered in fungus. Brett “Come on you idiot.”

Neyz: Idiot is right.

 

*Brett and Rabbit find Bachman covered in fungus. Bachman: “Bro, things ain’t going so good.”

America: That’s a big understatement.

 

*Brett says he’s out of here as Bachman gets up and hobbles after him. They stumble upon Allistair being sucked dry. Brett smashes the containers of jizz and Brett freaks out.*

Neyz: Blerghhhhhhhhhhh

 

*Larnell runs up and Eebie joins him in front of everyone. Larnell goes to rip the jizz sucker off.*

America: I wouldn’t do that.

 

*Larnell beats up the Bong chicks.*

Warlock: Wow, so much of them.

 

*Larnell rips the device off*

America and Warlock: Owwwwwwwwww

 

*Allistair says they need Bachman to be the conduit between this world and real world. Larnell then does a light show with the Bong chicks*

Warlock: This is stupid.

America: I applaud the girls for keeping a straight face through this idiocy.

 

*Larnell lights up Bachman and he tries to blow himself out*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Larnell blows the weed smoke from Bachman onto the Bong chicks until they explode. In the real world Alien Bong freaks out. Back in Alien Bong world, Bachman tokes himself*

Neyz: When is this over?

 

*Bachman’s toke explodes Alien Bong as Gramps annd Hookah watch. Gramps: “That could have gone better.”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Back in the real world, everyone is back to normal. Larnell is hitting a pipe, Bachman and Allistair are playing a video game. Rabbit is reading and Brett steps out of the shower. He gets a call from Luann who brings him flowers. Larnell farts*

Neyz: Hahahaha what the?

 

*Luann wants Brett now , sexually*

America: Don’t do it!

 

*Larnell wishes he runs into Velicity (Amy Paffrath) and right on cue she shows up. Larnell and her share a kiss*

America: I know its the end of the movie and it doesn’t need to be explained, but how did she get here?

 

*Velicity says when Gramps went home, she stopped getting paid so she came home.*

Warlock: Good news for him.

 

*Brett walks out to a horny Luann and she calls him hot stuff.*

Neyz: Hahahahaha.

 

*Luann takes her dress off*

Warlock: This just got better.

 

*Brett takes his robe off and he has the fungus on him. Luann freaks out. Meanwhile Gramps is walking around the park with Nurse Hookah. The meteroite fungus has grown into a forrest of pot plants.*

Neyz: Nice CGI.

 

*Graphic: Coming soon: Evil Bong vs The Killer Crack Pipe*

Warlock: Don’t worry that was never made. Instead it was Gingerdead Man vs Evil Bong.

 

Neyzor Blades assessment: That was stupidest shit I’ve ever seen. 2 out of 10

America’s assessment: Ehhhhhhh. I will say after taking 3 hits of the franchise, this was the weakest high. It had SOME entertainment value but not much. 2 out of 10

Warlock’s assessment: I agree, out of the 3 movies this was by far the worst. It was hard to sit through and increasingly dumb. I give it a 4 out of 10.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10…..Abomination

 

*The trio rises from the theater seats. All of a sudden Lady T and Mr. Wallstreet walk down the isle.*

Wallstreet: Hey guys.

Warlock: Where were you?

Wallstreet: Well I was with some lovely young ladies but then I ended up here.

Neyz: How about you T, how are you?

T: Groovy.

Warlock: Guess its time to go now.

*The 5 of them appear to be transported out of Bong World. Warlock and America are back in the lair.*

Warlock: Where did the others go?

America: I don’t know.

*Warlock pulls out Eebie and takes it outside, then returns*

America: What did you do with that?

Warlock: Don’t ask.

America: So what do we do about the others?

Warlock: They’ll be fine.

*Warlock sits on the couch and reads a newspaper*

America: Yeah probably right.

*America cleans his carbine rifle. Meanwhile in Bong World, Neyzor Blades, Mr. Wallstreet and Lady T wonder why they’re still there. Eebie says she let the wrong dumbasses go by mistake, she wanted Warlock abd America.*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s