41. Evil Bong 2: King Bong (2009)

Evil Bong 2

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, “Sorrow Creek: We’re Cursed” t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass of Barq’s root beer*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates and flame emanates from his palm before he resumes walking into the lair. Mr. America is putting the DVD in the player. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots, dog tags and aviator shades*

Warlock: Tonight’s tale of budding terror is Evil Bong 2: King Bong…movie 7 of our 8 pack.

America: Budding? I see what you did there.

*Mr. Wallstreet is sitting in the recliner wearing a purple Joseph A Bank suit with a red undershirt, yellow tie and black wing tipped shoes.*

Mr. Wallstreet: We’ll be taking a hit if this movie sucks.

Warlock: It may or may not, but there’s only one way to find out.

*Warlock takes a seat on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: Without any further delay, its time for Evil Bong 2.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Stoners Larnell, Brett, and Bachman all suffer from severe delayed side effects from smoking grass from evil bong Ebee. The trio embark on a journey to the jungle in South America along with their nerdy straight-laced buddy Allistair and delivery guy Rabbit to find a cure for their various ailments.”

America: Well, that’s one long ass trip for a cure.

 

*Movie opens with a tribal theme and highlights from the first movie*

Warlock: Oh boy, stock footage.

America: Thanks for the history lesson.

 

*Opening credits have written by Charles Band but not edited by Dan Draven*

America: These credits are not making me feel any better

Warlock: This is going to be different.

 

*Larnell (John Patrick Jordan) is pacing around in his pajamas holding a baseball glove. He gets on a knock on the door and its Allistair (Brett Chukerman). Larnell admits he got kicked out of school for setting fire to it and Allistair is shocked*

America: Don’t act so surprised.

 

*Larnell says his book will be a bestseller like The Picasso Code*

Warlock: Hahhaha funny.

 

*Larnell says he’s called Allistair to talk about Bachman (Mitch Eakins) when he barges in. He claims he got fired and doesn’t know why. Allistair says he’s going for his second major. Bachman asks if he lost the first one.*

Warlock: Ha!

America: He’s a poet.

 

*Bachman faints in the middle of a sentence. Larnell says THAT’S the problem, he’s been falling asleep for no reason. Allistair says he may have narcolepsy. Larnell “We don’t mention Narc’s around here*

America: Heh.

 

*Larnell says wait till you see Brett (Brian Lloyd) and he appears at the door over 350 pounds. He says Luann (Robin Sydney) had to drive the car because he’s too fat to drive.*

Warlock: Haaaahahahhaha.

 

*Brett says he can’t stop eating, he goes to eat a 3 day old pizza with mold. Luann “Why don’t you eat the garbage while you’re at it.”

Warlock and America: Hahahaha.

 

*Bachman comes to and wonders who Brett is. He then recognizes him and makes fun of him, Brett slaps him upside the head. Allistair starts realizing they all have problems. Brett can’t stop eating, Bachman can’t stay awake and now Larnell can’t stop humping people. Brett: “You were dry humping Luann like a German shepard/Chihuahua combo”

Warlock: Wow….

 

*Larnell humps a skateboard and cums*

Warlock: I almost wasn’t able to eat through that.

 

*Allistair figures out that they need to investigate where the bong came from. Allistair calls the shipping company and says the shipper is on his way. Rabbit (Sonny Carl Davis) knocks on the door and Larnell questions him. Brett: “Will you two cockknockers shut the fuck up?”

Warlock: Cocknockers?

 

*Rabbit admits he remembers Eebie (Michele Mais) and that Jimbo from the first movie got it from South America. Next shows a funny Indiana Jones style map graphic where the plane stops in Amsterdam for a party. They finally head to South America’s”Amazon”*

Warlock: Wow….that was funny.

 

*Rabbit, Brett, Bachman, Brett, Larnell and Allistair wander around the jungle and spot a bunch of skulls on lances*

Warlock: Is Ooga Booga going to make an appearance?

America: Who knows?

 

*The boys freak out and nominate Allistair to do some exploring. Suddenly Velicity (Amy Paffrath) shows up. She says she’s here on scientific research. Allistair and Velicity make contact but then Bachman falls asleep. Next frame has everyone in Velicity’s hut and Brett is munching on grub stew*

Warlock: I don’t want to know.

 

*Larnell starts humping Brett’s rolls. Brett: “Get outta here perv.” Allistair asks about the evil bong. Larnell pulls out some pieces of Eebie and Brett yells at him for bringing it. Velicity says it was designed by an ancient tribe that used to live around here. Velicity says its the…Poontang Tribe*

Warlock: What the fuck?

America: Riiiiiight.

 

*Larnell has the biggest stiffy after Velicity mentions the Poontang Tribe. Brett and Bachman laugh at him.*

Warlock: Erection lasting longer than few hours?

 

*Rabbit and Larnell discovers the motherlode of weed when Grandpa (Jacob Witkin) shows up and yells at Larnell. Grandpa is up and walking and tells Larnell he’s walking on a need to know basis and Larnell doesn’t need to know. Grandpa says the stockpile of weed is for research. Velicity shows up and says Larnell and his friends can stay. Grandpa says they need to go by sundown. Rabbit: “You guys need Dr. Phil to the rescue.”

America: They’re gonna need more than Dr. Phil.

 

*Back at the hut, Velicity says the weed is for research. Rabbit says bullshit because its all packaged and ready to be sold. Velicity says the weed has magic powers, which is why Grandpa is up and around. Velicity says she’d love to try out the weed’s magic healing powers and Rabbit pulls out a package he stole while Grandpa isn’t looking. Suddenly Eebie comes alive and says she hasn’t smelled that since she’s been home.  Larnell puts the pieces away and Brett says let’s be guinea pigs*

Warlock: This isn’t so bad so far.

 

*Montage shows Brett, Bachman and Larnell smoking away while Velicity, Rabbit and Allistair look on*

America: They’re flying high.

 

*Larnell says Allistair and Velicity should make a good couple but Allistair says she wants Larnell. Brett backs up Allistair. Larnell: “What would she want with a skateboard humper like me?”

Warlock: Damn super weed.

 

*Allistair says the weed won’t work immediately, they need to get some sleep. Next frame shows Grandpa on the phone making a deal over the phone. Velicity shows up and Eebie starts talking. Velicity confronts Grandpa and he reveals he wants to make the best profit. He says he doesn’t give two shits about saving lives. Grandpa opens the Eebie remains and Eebie says the Poontang Tribe stole her man. Grandpa asks how she talks and Velicity says its the weed. Grandpa sends Velicity away and Eebie tells Grandpa to put her back together*

Warlock: Evil plot from evil bong.

 

*Back at the hut Rabbit says “I told ya so.” Rabbit walks away and Velicity smells a rat about him. Meanwhile Grandpa puts Eebie back together and Rabbit walks up to them.  Rabbit warns Grandpa about Eebie but then says he’ll work for him as a delivery guy. Grandpa “You do have a point.”

Warlock: What a heel.

 

*Meanwhile back at the hut, Brett is skinny again, Bachman is awake and Larnell’s stiffy is gone. Apparently they’re cured. Velicity offers everyone stew. Back at the hill, Grandpa and Rabbit discuss “his cut.” Rabbit says he’ll blackmail Grandpa if he’s not cut in. Suddenly Eebie says “You bitches need to step off.” Rabbit says don’t call him a bitch. Grandpa says she’s not talking about them. Suddenly the topless Poontang tribe appears.*

Warlock and America: Woahhhhh!!

Warlock: Pause for important research.

 

*Movie is paused*

Warlock: Yes, research.

America: I don’t care, I’m just enjoying the view.

 

*The tribe girls (Kat, Ariel X and Emilanna) hold Rabbit at spear point. They whack Grandpa and Eebie tells them to back off. Meanwhile back at the hut Larnell and Velicity thank each other while Bachman plays air drums in the background.*

Warlock: Hahahahha

America: I’ve heard of guitar, but that’s the first I’ve seen air drumming.

 

*Larnell tells Velicity he’s writing a book and they lean their heads together. They share a kiss as Grandpa wanders in. “God damn fuckholes!” Grandpa says the tribe took Eebie and Rabbit. The gang has to go after them. Next frame shows King Bong (Michael A Shepard) appears. Its a giant skull on top of a hill.*

Warlock: What the fuck is that?

America: Ehhh I’m going to say its another bong.

 

*King and Eebie go back and forth as the tribe girls lead Rabbit to King Bong. Rabbit takes a hit and King laughs maniacally. Eebie says he’s up to his old tricks. Meanwhile at the hut, Allistair rallies the troops and they’re off to rescue Rabbit*

Warlock: Give me a break.

 

*The gang walks up to King Bong. “Now where these muthafucka think they goin?”

Warlock: Hahahahhaa

America: I don’t think they’re going anywhere.

 

*Allistair figures out that if Eebie sucks their spirits only, King Bong sucks their whole being in. The gang must go in King Bong’s world to save Rabbit. Eebie tells them to destroy his symbol to destroy him. King Bong: “Oh see now I got to kill you bitch!” Allistair: “You’re not gonna stop us?” Eebie: “Hell no, this muthafucka deserves it!”*

America: These two bongs would make a marriage counselor rich.

 

*Bachman and Brett are the first two transported into King Bong’s world.  Bachman “Hooker central dude.” Brett and Bachman go up to two of the girls. King Bong “Yeah, touch up on her.” Brett and Bachman high five. King Bong “Not each other bitches! Touch HER!”

Warlock and America: Hahahahahahaha!

 

*Rabbit is with two tribal girls (August) as Allistair is the next to go in. Brett and Bachman feel up on the other girls. Allistair confronts Rabbit who motorboats one of the girls. Allistair says they have to get out of here and Rabbit doesn’t want to leave. Suddenly another tribal girl sneaks up on Allistair and knocks him down as the girls lead Rabbit away. Meanwhile Bachman and Brett feel up on the girls as King Bong narrates like a DJ. Suddenly Brett and Bachman are tied up and so is Rabbit. Brett “Don’;t you get it Uncle Fester, they’re going to kill you.” King Bong says they’re dead meat but it won’t hurt.*

Warlock: They’re doomed.

 

*Outside Eebie says to get in there before they’re all dead. Larnell gives a dipping kiss to Velicity as King Bong scoffs. As Larnell takes a hit, King Bong starts singing Rockwell’s Somebody’s Watching Me.”

Warlock: I always feel like…

Warlock and America: Somebody’s watching meeeeeeeeee

America: Can’t get no privacy

Warlock: Ohhooooohhhhh.

 

*Larnell is transported into Bong World and finds Allistair. They run off as back at King Bong, Rabbit starts freaking out. Suddenly the girls bring out a giant rolling paper. They roll Rabbit into it*

Warlock: They’re gonna smoke him…literally!

 

*Brett and Bachman: THEY’RE TURNING HIM INTO A GIANT DOOBIE!!*

Warlock: Hahaha that’s genius.

 

*King Bong shrinks Rabbit into a joint. He screams as Allistair sneaks up and frees Brett and Bachman. Larnell and Allistair sneak behind King Bong. Suddenly Allistair steals Rabbit away from the tribal girl and horrendously acts. He calmly asks “Are you alright?” Rabbit “I’m a fucking doobie!”

Warlock: That’s pretty bad acting.

America: What kind of question is that?

 

*Suddenly Brett and Bachman pop up and restrain the girls but one of them is smiling. Larnell then destroys King Bong’s medallion to destroy him. Outside, Larnell kisses Velicity as Allistair says its time go home. Larnell says he’s going to stick around with Velicity. Eebie tells them “Catch you stateside homies” Velicity and Larnell leave Eebie behind by herself. Eebie shouts to take her away as we shift back to Bachman’s apartment. Allistair says he doesn’t want another adventure like that. Bachman says he’s glad he got his job back. Bachman answers the door and its Luann. Brett walks out looking thin and Luann is shocked. She runs up and hugs him but Brett wants none of it. Brett says there’s one thing she can do to make up for her bad behavior. Suddenly another knock on the door, its Rabbit. He’s now an ordained minister and said he vowed to changes his ways. Bachman offers him a joint and Rabbit “Don’t mind if I do.” He smiles as the credits roll. King Bong narrates the credits*

Warlock: Now that’s a way to end it.

 

America’s assessment: I give it a 5. That was very entertaining.

Warlock’s assessment: I’m going to give it a 6. I was laughing from beginning to end and the storyline was easy to follow. There weren’t many plotholes and King Bong was HILARIOUS.  I actually recommend this.

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10….Above Average.

Bonus: King Bong “Ooooh what’s that smell? That right there is vagina juice! That’s the breakfast of champions baby!”

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: I’m shocked, that was the best of the 8 pack so far. It was very entertaining and……

America: Wait, where’s Wallstreet’s assessment?

Warlock: Yeah really. He didn’t say anything the whole movie, what’s the deal Wallstreet?

*They look around and he’s nowhere to be found*

Warlock: Where the hell is Wallstreet?

America: I was wondering why he didn’t say anything the whole movie.

*Warlock looks in the bathroom, he’s not there.*

America: Holy shit…

Warlock: What?

*Points to the tv screen*

America: Look!

*The dvd menu fades and on screen is Bong World. Neyzor Blades and Lady T are hitting the ganja with some male strippers while two girls are sitting on Mr. Wallstreet’s lap*

Warlock: You gotta be fucking…

Warlock and America: KIDDING ME!!??

*Eebie speaks*

Eebie: Yeahhhh dat’s right you jive ass muthafuckas. I got yo girls and yo homeboy. Watcha muthafuckas gonna do about it?

*Warlock and America look at each other shocked, then smile*

Warlock and America: NOTHING!!!!!!

*They go and sit down*

Eebie: Wait…wataya mean nothing? You sorry ass suckas not gonna rescue ya friends?

*Warlock starts reading a newspaper*

Warlock: Nope.

*America is cleaning his carbine rifle*

America: Sucks to be them.

Eebie: You pussies, I can’t believe that. I’ll get you yet. Ya hear me! I’ll..

*Warlock clicks the tv off.*

America: We’re going after them right?

Warlock: Of course, let’s let her stew about it first.

America: Good

*America loads up the rifle, Warlock turns to the camera*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

 

 

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