*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates into the lair and Mr. America shakes his head. America is wearing his standard camo gear, aviator shades and black combat boots*
America: Yeah just go higher, see what the ceiling fan does to you.
Warlock: How about no? Tonight’s debacle is Zombie Dearest, movie 6 of the 8 pack. Its about a failed comic who hires a zombie to be his audience as his wife freaks out.
*Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner wearing a green Nehru suit, yellow clogs and a blue tie*
Wallstreet: That sounds ridiculous.
Warlock: It is.
*Warlock sits on the right side of the couch*
Warlock: So without further adieu, let’s start Zombie Dearest.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “When failed comic Gus Lawton pushes his wife too far, he finds himself chasing her across the country to the abandoned farmhouse of her childhood.”
America: Its rated higher than Deadfall Trail, that’s not hard to do.
*Graphic reads Scream Clock Productions*
Warlock: What the hell is a Scream Clock?
Wallstreet: The alarm must be terribly painful.
*Monologue shows Gus (David Kemker) has him explaining how he slept with his wife Deborah’s (Shauna Black) sister Gwen (Wendy Jewell)*
Wallstreet: Damn she’s OLD!
*Guy uses a penis puppet to entertain his wife, not knowing there are 10 others in the room totally appalled*
Warlock, America and Wallstreet: HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
*Gus pleads with Deborah even though he admits to sniffing Gwen’s underwear*
America: Did you really think that line was going to work.
*Deborah leaves Gus and he repents as she drives away*
America: How’s that exhaust smell jerk?
Warlock: This is automatically not the worst movie of all time.
*Unusually long shot of Deborah driving*
America: Alright we get it, you’re driving. Let’s move on.
*Deborah stops by her Uncle Pete’s (Derek McGrath) place. He tells her the old house she grew up in is a fixer upper. She says she always wanted to come back*
America: Not under these terms she didn’t.
*Deborah randomly stares at the old house and walks in*
America: Ok we got stairs. We got a common area and hallucinations. We’re off to a great start! Yayyyy flashbacks.
*Montage of Deborah as a child*
Wallstreet: Alright, chicken pot pie!
*Deborah’s relative buries someone in the background, she freaks out*
Wallstreet: What the hell?
*Gus gives a sob story about how he’ll fix the place up*
Wallstreet: He doesn’t even work.
Warlock: I’m gonna fall asleep.
America: Not this early in the movie!
*Gus looks at mattress as the thunder strikes*
Warlock: Is he sleeping on the couch?
Wallstreet: No, she is.
America: Would you stop hearing things?
*Deborah freaks out and climbs in bed with Gus. They hear someone knocking. Gus: Who could it be, its 2:30?”
Wallstreet: Well go seeeeeee.
*Gus: It could be truckers. The difference between a deer rifle and a shotgun*
Warlock: Hahahaha what?
America: Yeah, a bunch of noise. That won’t alert them to your presence.
*Deborah leaves for a job interview at Shultheis Insurance*
Warlock: Is there such a place?
Wallstreet: Hell no.
*Donny (John Jarvis) says he wants a partner, someone he can trust.*
Warlock: He wants in her skirt.
America: You have ulterior motives, sir.
Wallstreet: She is a MARRIED woman.
*Montage of Gus painting and sanding*
Warlock: We’re gonna need a montage.
*Gus steps into the paint can*
Wallstreet: Clumsy oaf.
America: You are a klutz!
*Gus starts banging on the ceiling with his shoe. Mr. Wallstreet has had enough.*
Wallstreet: I can’t take it, this sucks. I’m outta here.
*Wallstreet leaves the lair*
*Deborah tries to flush a mouse down the toilet*
Warlock: What the hell am I watching?
*Gus picks a fight with Mr. Roeder (Paul O’Sullivan) because Roeder used the term retard*
Warlock: Social justice crackpot!
*Gus decides to dig up the septic tank himself.*
Warlock: Heave! Ho!
*Gus and Deborah wake up to a country song playing on the radio*
Warlock: Whyyyyyy don’t you love me anymore?
*Deborah runs into her office and heads right for the bathroom*
Warlock: That’s right, he’s digging up the septic tank, they can’t use the toilet.
America: Glad you’re paying attention.
*Gus digs until he smells something awful. He throws his shovel, looks toward the heavens and says “JUST ONE LITTLE BREAK, FOR GUS!”
America: It’ll be more than a little break soon.
*Zombie rises from the tomb Gus unknowingly uncovered*
*Gus runs inside and calls the police and they don’t believe that a zombie was uncovered*
Warlock: The Ice Cream Man Police would be over in two seconds.
*Gus talks to Zombie, his name is Quinto (David Sparrow)*
Warlock: Oh boy, a friendly zombie.
*Gus gets Quinto to dig as Donny checks out Deborah*
Warlock: Is there a point to any of this?
*Gus does a horrendous comedy act in front of Quinto*
*Deborah comes home to see Gus and Quinto*
America: Let’s see you try to explain this one.
*Gus and Deborah wake up to the scratching and knocking again*
Warlock: How many times are they going to do this?
*Next day Gus calls out for Quinto who appears from the woods*
Warlock: Was he hiding out there all night?
*Gus calls Deborah a racist for calling Quinto a zombie*
Warlock: That’s hilarious.
*During the night, Quinto brings a dead rabbit to Uncle Pete’s window. Pete freaks out and Quinto walks away*
America: That could have gone much worse.
*Gus and Deborah drive home and accidentally run over Qunto*
Warlock: Just walk it off buddy.
*Gus realizes its Quinto and says he’s ok. Deborah freaks out and says she never wants to see Gus again. He promises she won’t.*
Warlock: Wow, what a bitch.
America: Pretty much.
*Uncle Pete pokes at a turd with a stick*
Warlock: Hey look he’s poking a turd with a stick.
*Pete reveals he was apart of Quinto’s murder 30 years prior*
America: I hope they explain why the wife was driven crazy. What the hell did Quinto do?
*Gus sets up a romantic dinner with Deborah, she thanks him.*
Warlock: Watch, Quinto has on a butler’s uniform.
America: That’s what I’m waiting for.
*Gus and Deborah bounce each other around wearing headlights*
Warlock: What are they doing, playing hippity hop at the barber shop?
America: The hell?
*Quinto crashes the party and Gus throws him out of the building. Quinto bit him on the neck*
Warlock: That means he’s gonna turn right?
America: Should be.
*Deborah freaks out because her aunt told her that if you wish upon a dead man, he’ll come back to life. Gus then says he wasn’t bit, he just tripped*
Warlock: A likely story.
America: I don’t believe you.
*Deborah says to go to Uncle Pete’s. Gus tells her to go on ahead. She leaves. Gus: You’re coming back right?”
America: Hell no.
*Deborah runs to Uncle Pete’s and he’s sitting at his kitchen table with his pants around his ankles, talking to himself and drinking*
Warlock: Why is his pants down?
America: I really don’t want to know.
*Deborah walks into Donny’s house. He’s watching tv and eating popcorn*
America: Alright if this dude wants a relationship to happen, which he clearly does. This is your chance. Shit is going downhill, the husband just got bit. It doesn’t look like he’s gonna make it. This is your chance.
Warlock: You only got one shot, do not miss a chance to blow, this opportunity comes…
America: Once in a lifetime yo.
*Donny: “It sounds like he’s having an affair.” Deborah: “THAT I can deal with. This is different.”
Warlock: That’s pretty sad.
*Gus calls Pete and Pete says Deborah ain’t there. Gus figures out she’s with Donny.*
Warlock: Uh oh, ready for the big climax?
America: Nah, its too early.
*Gus is putting dirt back in the ground*
Warlock: Is he burying him or just covering up the hole?
America: I don’t know.
*Gus goes into his comedy act with no one around, trips and falls into the hole*
Warlock: What’s he doing?
America: I think he has a plan.
*Gus sets the box down in the barn and calls for Quinto. He’s right behind him. Gus tells him to help him set up a fence. Quinto tries to bite him and Gus whacks him a few times with a baseball bat. Gus admits that Quinto DID bite him. Gus tells him to get focused. Next frame Gus and Quinto are putting dirt back in the hole when Donny drives up with Deborah. Deborah says Quinto was the one fucking up their relationship, Donny thought it was him. She says he’s just a friend and Donny bitches about being friendzoned.*
Warlock: Oh, the dreaded friend zone. He’s screwed.
America: You had ONE chance!
*Donny gets out of the car. Gus asks what he’s doing there. Deborah asks what Quinto is doing there. The next frame shows Gus and Deborah have an argument inside while Donny and Qunto wrestle outside. Donny whacks him with a shovel and drives off unscathed.*
Warlock: The soundtrack doesn’t fit.
America: His getaway is a Prius of all vehicles.
*Reverand Harper (Ron Lea) pulls up to talk to Deborah. Apparently Donny was killed in a car crash. Harper says he was doing 160 miles an hour*
America: IN A PRIUS?????
Warlock: I HIGHLY doubt that.
*Harper tells Deborah SHE was listed as beneficiary by Donny. Gus puts his hand on her shoulder*
Warlock: He’s saying “I didn’t do it, I was here the whole time.”
*Gus lights a bunch of candles and says she got her wish. He says she wished for financial security and now she has it. Gus: Donny’s dead.”
*Deborah: Why am I not crying?”
Warlock: Because he’s NOTHINGGGGGGGGGG!!!
*Gus tries to tell Deborah everything’s going to be ok. She’s got money, he’s got his writing.*
America: Writing? He hasn’t written a thing since the movie started.
*Gus goes down on Deborah. She moans*
Warlock: Don’t talk with your mouth full.
*Quinto looks through the window and sees and hears Deborah saying to kill him*
Warlock: Poor Quinto.
*Quinto is halfway up a water tower hanging Christmas lights when Gus and Deborah team up to pull him down. They throw him back in his grave. They work together to rebury him. Next frame shows Gus at Donny’s funeral putting flyers for his barn comedy show on a bunch of cars*
Warlock: Haha what a dick.
*Next morning Gus and Deborah having morning coffee, they hear Quinto moaning and groaning. Deborah picks up a rifle on loan from Uncle Pete. She says she’s going to blow his head off, Gus refuses to clean up the mess. Deborah calls out for Quinto in the barn.*
America: Quinto isn’t home.
Warlock: Its probably Donny.
*Deborah corners Quinto but he’s holding a flower. Gus intervenes and pulls Quinto out of the barn. He hangs him in a silo of some kind*
America: That’s a silo or something.
*Deborah looks at Gus and Gus’s neck is splattered with blood. He’s slowly turning into a zombie but he tells her not to worry. Its his last chance to be funny.*
America: Youre fooling yourself.
*Next frame shows 17 people in the yard waiting for Gus’ comedy show. Deborah spots Quinto and says he’s dead meat. Gus says to take him out at intermission.*
Warlock: Yeah, that’s funny.
*Gus slowly turns during his comedy shows and Quinto laughs at everything he says.”
Warlock: This is actually kind of funny.
America: I’m laughing at him self destruction.
Warlock: Hear the cricket?
*Gus falls down and Deborah rushes to his aid. Claims he’s been bitten by Quinto. Gus stands up “Take my zombie please.” Everyone stands and cheers. Harper: “That was so funny hahahaha”
*Once everyone leaves Deborah says they have to take Gus to a hospital. Gus tells her to forget it because he’s dying. Deborah: This isn’t supposed to happen!”
America: Let me know how its working out for ya!
*Gus tells her to run and dies.*
Warlock and America: *Fake death* Ehhhhhh
*Gus comes to in 10 seconds and goes after Deborah. She runs around the house and he’s there*
America: How did he get there so fast?
Warlock: Speed of light.
America: He’s running faster than she is.
*Gus reaches through the window and smashes it trying to get to Deborah. She runs upstairs and finds Quinto feasting on Uncle Pete. Quinto tells her to get lost*
*Deborah tries to fake out Gus and Quinto but they’re not fooled. They find her in the closet. She puts his hand on his dick and wishes none of this ever happened. They go back to the beginning of the movie and Gus forgoes the penis puppet and walks out fully clothed. End credits*
America: THAT’S THE ENDING?
Warlock: Yup, we just imagined the whole thing.
America: I wish I imagined the whole thing.
Mr. America’s assessment: I’ll give it a 3, didn’t have crap production value but it wasn’t stellar. Acting was lackluster but seemed as though they tried. As weak as a story as it was, at least it was a cohesive story that makes sense.
The Warlock’s assessment: I’ll give it a 4 because parts of the movie were legitimately funny. Most of it was crap like you said but I give credit where its due.
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10: Bad
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that wraps up Zombie Dearest. It was a quirky movie that had its moments but had the unmistakable smell of crap. I don’t recommend it at all.
*Mr. Wallstreet comes back and moans and groans*
Warlock: What the hell?
America: OH SHIT HE’S A ZOMBIE!! KILL IT!
*America barrell rolls over the couch and gets his carbine rifle*
Wallstreet: Hey guys I was only kidding!
*America pops up and points the gun at Wallstreet*
Wallstreet: I WAS KIDDING, AHHHH!
*Wallstreet runs out of the lair and America chases after him*
America: YOU WON’T GET AWAY FROM ME ZOMBIE!
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.